"Well, I have enough money for the pizza, but how am I going to tip the delivery guy?"

Calling Gannon/Guckert... Calling Gannon/Guckert.... Hot Military Studs are ready for action.... over...

Army to Investigate Gay Porn Allegations

RALEIGH, N.C. - Army officials are investigating allegations that members of the celebrated 82nd Airborne Division appear on a gay pornography Web site, a spokeswoman said Friday.

Authorities at Fort Bragg have begun an inquiry into whether the paratroopers' actions violated the military conduct code.

Division spokeswoman Maj. Amy Hannah declined to say how many paratroopers are involved or identify their unit within the division. A defense official speaking on condition of anonymity said up to seven soldiers are involved.

Hannah said soldiers questioned will be allowed to seek legal assistance, but she declined to say if any one had been charged.

"Once the investigation is complete, the chain of command will take appropriate action," Hannah said.

Tubes of astroglide and plenty of tissues will be distributed.

Martha Rudd, an Army spokeswoman at the Pentagon, said soldiers accused of homosexual activity might be removed from their units, although she did not have specific information about the investigation of the 82nd. When asked if the soldiers involved had been moved out of barracks, Hannah declined to comment.

What a great phrase! "Accused of homosexual activity." So if they were on a straight porn site, I guess that would have been "conduct becoming." In other words, it's not about the porn, it's about "Teh Gay."

Heh... I said "coming."

"We are concerned about the privacy and rights of each trooper involved and that they are treated with dignity and respect," Hannah said.

*Insert the sound of Paul snorting and blowing a raspberry here* Yeah, that's why you're making sure to let everyone know this is a gay porn issue. Because their names will never leak out. Never never.

Maj. Todd Vician, a Defense Department spokesman in Washington, said the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy states that "homosexual orientation alone is not a bar to service, but homosexual conduct is incompatible with military service."

"We define homosexual conduct as homosexual acts or verbal or nonverbal communication that a member is homosexual," Vician said.

Especially when the conduct is totally HAWT. And what exactly is "nonverbal communication that a member is homosexual?" I guess when a soldier sashays to his tank, flitting a limp wrist.

The 82nd Airborne is one of the most celebrated units in the military. Its 15,000 troops are trained to deploy anywhere in the world within 18 hours.

There are so many possible jokes in that sentence, I don't know where to begin.

This is just another example of the absurdity of this "don't ask, don't tell" crap. I'm sure that if these guys were appearing in straight porn, the hysteria would be miniscule. It's that hot man-on-man action that makes it so titilating. And, you know, with that whole gay sheepherder thing that's making the news these days, it's big news, baby!

Cue Jay Leno's "I wish I knew how to quit you" jokes tonight.

And cue Ken Mehlman frantically clearing his browser history and caché.

(First I was afraid, I was petrified... kept thinking I could never cross-post without you by my side...)

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