Prudish Paris

#1: I love that this is news. Even “news,” like with really dramatic air quotes. That it even is considered publishable because people will care just amuses me to no end—until I remember how we’re now a totalitarian dictatorship because people know more about some useless trust fund kid named Paris than some useless trust fund kid named George, and then I start to whimper and my body involuntarily begins to curl itself into the fetal position.

Paris Hilton has refused to pose naked in Playboy - despite having already bared all to the world in her leaked sex tape.

The sexy socialite - who unintentionally starred in X-rated home movie 'One Night In Paris' - says Hugh Hefner is desperate for her to feature in his famous magazine.

The 24-year-old beauty claims the magazine mogul has hounded her since she was a teenager.

She said: "They've asked me a million times. Hef has been after me since I was 17, and I got offered a lot of money.

#2: I love her reason for turning it down.

"I'll never do it. Why? Because I'm Paris Hilton."

#3: I love that the vague state of what I can only describe as a sort of fugue hovering somewhere between depression and mania brought on by the fact that this is “news” is immediately lifted by the realization that someone, somewhere, will have said something brilliantly bitchy about it. My savior, Michael K:

This has got to be the funniest thing I've ever read. We've all seen Parasite Hilton's coochie, breasts and asshole! I think I've even seen her uterus! But, Parasite has said that she would never pose in Playboy! Why?! That's basically free money! She gets nude anyway, she might as well get paid for it…

We've seen so much of this ho that she could pose inside/out and we still wouldn't be shocked.

Ahh, all better now. Except for the whole tyranny stuff, but even the string quartet on the Titanic probably took a smoke break now and then.