Eddie Izzard Blogging: Sprechen Sie…? Edition

On the importance of bilingualism (Americans, take heed—it’s globalism, baby):

In Europe we have 200 languages. Two hundred languages! Just count them! I know you won’t! … And future generations of Europeans, I’m sorry Europeans, but we’re going to have to be bilingual. We are going to have to be, and English speakers hate this.

“Two languages in one head? No one can live at that speed! Good Lord, man! You’re asking the impossible!”

“But the Dutch speak four languages and smoke marijuana!”

“Yes, but they’re cheating! Everyone knows marijuana is a drug enhancement, that can help you in track and field, to come last in a team of eight million…eight million other runners who are all dead.”

I don’t know how the Dutch do it, but anyway – because we’re going to have to learn! And the reason we’re going to have to learn is, one, for being groovy, and just getting out there and doing it, but the second one, we just lose a lot of business, in Europe. In the rest of Europe. Because German people phone up and go, “Wir haben fünf millionen Deutschmark, für die Auto…”

“Just fuck off, willya mate?! [hangs up] I thought he was speaking German, I told him to go away! I said… I don’t know, something about fünf millionen Deutschmark and I told him to get knotted! We don’t want any of his Deustchy Markys. We do?! We do want that?! Oh, I’m terribly sorry! Oh fuck, redial.”

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