Janis Joplin: "Piece of My Heart"
An Observation
[Content Note: Misogyny.]
This morning, I saw on social media another article (or maybe it was the same one as last time; who can tell—they are all the fucking same) written by a cookie-seeking straight white man and addressed to women who don't know how powerful we are. Because he is a Good GuyTM, he wanted to make sure that we know we are powerful.
Okay. Thanks.
The thing is, I don't need men to tell me that I'm powerful. What I need is for men to listen to me when I tell them that I am.
Because, in my experience, even men who want all the cookies, so many cookies, for telling me how powerful I am (or smart, or deserving, or whatever), aren't especially inclined to listen to me saying the same thing about myself, no less demonstrating that power (or intellect, or knowledge I am deserving, or whatever).
In fact, sometimes those gents are the most resistant to displays of the very characteristics they want cookies for assuring me I have.
The Make-Up Thread
Here is your semi-regular make-up thread, to discuss all things make-up.
Do you have a make-up product you'd recommend? Are you looking for the perfect foundation which has remained frustratingly elusive? Need or want to offer make-up tips? Searching for hypoallergenic products? Want to grouse about how you hate make-up? Want to gush about how you love it?
Whatever you like—have at it!
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I took this picture the other day because it was the first time I'd ever tried cutting my own hair. My beloved and trusted hairdresser is on maternity leave, and I was getting soooooo shaggy, so I wondered if I could just cut it myself—and luckily the answer was yes! (Phew!)
Anyway! The other thing going on in this picture is that it's the first time I'd tried out Maybelline's new "Brow Drama," which is essentially a tinted gel that helps you fill in and shape your brows.
I'd read some reviews that said it comes out of the container a little goopy, and I will tell you that's true—but I found it easy enough to smooth it through my brows.
Normally, I don't use any color on my brows; I just use a little clear brow gel to hold them in place. This worked nearly as well, but gave me a little color in addition to the hold, so I would recommend it if you're looking for something to try. At $7, it's not a huge investment to try it out.
What's up with you?
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Please note, as always, that advice should be not be offered to an individual person unless they solicit it. Further: This thread is open to everyone—women, men, genderqueer folks. People who are make-up experts, and people who are make-up newbies. Also, because there is a lot of racist language used in discussions of make-up, and in make-up names, please be aware to avoid turns of phrase that are alienating to women of color, like "nude" or "flesh tone" when referring to a peachy or beige color. I realize some recommended products may have names that use these words, so please be considerate about content noting for white supremacist (and/or Orientalist) product naming.
Primarily Speaking
Your move, Carly Fiorina!
BOOM: "Hillary Clinton on Monday attacked the crowded field of Republican presidential contenders for making her the focus of their campaigns. 'I think it's worth noting that Republicans seem to be talking only about me,' she told reporters after her first roundtable in New Hampshire, which took place at a family-owned wooden toy company in Keene. 'I don't know what they'd talk about if I weren't in the race.'" LOLOLOL.
I'm pretty sure they would be talking about same-sex wedding receptions fully 100% of the time.
This is very encouraging: "Earlier this week, Clinton brought on Maya Harris, along with Jake Sullivan and Ann O'Leary, to offer expertise on everything from foreign policy to international human rights. Before being hired by Clinton, Harris, who is the only one of the three who has not previously worked alongside Clinton, served as a dean at the Lincoln Law School of San Jose and worked as a senior fellow at the Center for American Progress. As a senior fellow, she emphasized the importance of the Black female vote, penning a paper titled, "Women of Color: A Growing Force in the American Electorate." (pdf) Using statistics that show that Black women are the most likely demographic to vote, she urged politicians to focus their efforts on women of color. 'Women are the country's largest voting bloc, and women of color are the fastest-growing segment of that group,' she wrote in her paper, arguing that politicians shouldn't go through a larger demographic to reach Black women specifically." Right on. My fervent hope is that Harris will be empowered and heard by the campaign.
HA HA COOOOOOOL: "Major news outlets—including Fox News, The Washington Post and the New York Times—have hammered out 'exclusive agreements' with the author of a forthcoming book about Hillary and Bill Clinton to pursue stories from the book, according to the New York Times's Amy Chozick. The book carries a long title—"Clinton Cash: The Untold Story of How and Why Foreign Governments and Businesses Helped Make Bill and Hillary Rich"—and comes from Peter Schweizer, a well-traveled writer. ...The publisher of "Clinton Cash" is HarperCollins, part of News Corp., which is the sister company of 21st Century Fox, the company that houses Fox News."
So a division of Rupert Murdoch's News Corp. options some garbage tell-all about speaking fees, and then multiple news outlets strike "exclusive" agreements (how does that work?), and then this shit will be reported as legit news. Awesome. And Hillary Clinton was mocked for saying there's a vast rightwing conspiracy. Welp.
Something something New York City Mayor Bill DeBlasio reportedly wants to be drafted to challenge Hillary Clinton whut?
The Koch Brothers have apparently picked Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker as their favorite potential contender for the Republican nomination. Sure. He seems like the biggest puppet in the clown car.
Well, Jeb Bush isn't even officially running yet, and already he is BLOWING IT BIG TIME on trying to navigate his connection to what is arguably the worst US presidency ever: "Jeb Bush declares his brother's failures 'irrelevant': The obvious problem with Bush's position is that it's factually wrong. If there's 'deep insecurity' in the world, much of it is the direct result of some of his brother's decisions—most notably a disastrous and unnecessary war in the Middle East that destabilized the region. If the Florida Republican genuinely believes his brother's wars aren't 'relevant' to today's national security challenges, Bush is badly confused about the basics of current events." Whoooooooops your terrible candidacy that isn't even official yet, Jeb Bush!
In other news: All the other Republican contenders are still terrible.
Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.
Question of the Day
Suggested by Shaker BigDots: "What tool or gadget do you find indispensable around the office or at your desk?"
Leaving aside my laptop and phone, my most valuable working tool has always been sticky notes. I scribble ideas and reminders and to-do lists on sticky notes all the time, and they are stuck all over my workspace. Always have been, whether I've been working in an office or at home.
Film Corner: Jurassic World
[Content Note: Misogyny; violence/animal attacks in both trailer and description.]
Below, the trailer for Jurassic World, the latest installment in the Jurassic Park franchise, coming to a theater near you later this year:
Video Description: Overhead tracking shot of a dinosaur enclosure on the island. Ominous music. Cut to Chris Pratt, a thin white young man dressed like Hipster Indiana Jones, in an enclosure with three raptors. They snarl at him. He holds out his hand, palm-forward, in a "stop gesture." They stop. In voiceover, he explains, "It's not about control." He says to the raptors: "Stand down." They stand in place, snarling. He holds his position firmly. In voiceover: "It's a relationship." The dinosaurs aren't happy about being held in place, but respect his manly power-gesture. In voiceover: "Based on respect."
Cut to Pratt, in a beige Henley shirt, talking to Bryce Dallas Howard, a thin white young woman with red hair, dressed in an all-white suit. "These animals are thinking, 'I gotta eat,'" he explains to her. Inserted footage of raptors running at night. "'I gotta hunt. I gotta—'" He bites his lower lip and pumps his fist forward, indicating sex. She rolls her eyes. "You gotta be able to relate to at least one of those things." Oh ho ho he is such a rapscallion! And she is so uptight! I bet he will needle her into loving him in no time!
Cut to a tracking shot over the theme park, which is full of tourists. Adventure music. In voiceover, Howard says, "Every time we've unveiled a new attraction, attendance has spiked." Montagery! People in a safari vehicle, with dinosaurs running alongside them. Kids viewing a dinosaur through a large log with a window in it. An audience watches a water show with a huge aquatic dinosaur that eats a shark, and everyone cheers. "That was awesome!" says one white tween boy to another.
In voiceover, Howard says, "Corporate felt genetic modification would up the wow factor." Montagery! A helicopter flying toward the island. Science-y tubes! Large eggs in incubators. Some kids in a clear plastic bubble on safari in the park. Cut to Pratt and Howard talking to each other. Pratt says, "They're dinosaurs. Wow enough." Cut to BD Wong, a thin middle-aged Asian man wearing a lab coat, who says, "She was designed to be bigger than the t-rex." Cut to Pratt running his hand along a stone wall scarred with huge talon scratches. "What happened to the sibling?" he asks. "She ate it," Howard replies. OH SHIT!
And thus the premise has been sufficiently set up, so that the trailer can launch into a series of scenes about EVERYTHING GOING HAYWIRE! Giant feet! Chris Pratt running away from giant feet! "We have an asset out of containment!" Howard yells into a mobile phone. Chris Pratt running! Vincent D'Onofrio makes a horrified face! Tourists running and screaming! Chris Pratt running and sliding!
Now slow it down, yo: Some military-type dudes creep through the jungle with big guns. Beep beep. "What is that?" Howard asks, in the control room from which she and Pratt and the other nerdz are watching the military hunt. Pratt: "Her tracking implant; she clawed it out." Howard: "How would it know to do that?" Pratt: "She remembered where they put it in."
Blood drips on one of the military-type dude's arms from above. He looks up and OH SHIT! Dinosaur screaming! Dinosaur grabbing people! Dinosaur dragging people! Cut to Pratt and Howard overlooking a field of dinosaur carcasses. Howard puts her hands to her mouth and gasps, "Oh god." Pratt snarls, "She's killing for sport."
MONTAGERY! Kids in the bubble getting attacked and screaming! Tourists running! "You got 20,000 people; you got no more boats!" Howard looking horrified. "You don't have enough guns!" Vincent D'Onofrio is being a real Debbie Downer! Shooting at a dinosaur with a huge devouring mouth is futile! CHOMP! "If we do this, we do this my way," says Pratt. Which means ON MOTORCYCLES!
More montagery! Motorcycles and raptors tear through the jungle at night. Helicopter! Shooting! "Light it up!" yells D'Onofrio. Grenade launcher! Explosion! Helicopter! Crashing glass. Screaming dinosaur. Flying dinosaurs. Running ladies' feet. Motorcycle. "They're communicating." OH SHIT! Screaming dinosaur. "We're talking about an animal here," Howard says. Attacking dinosaur. "A highly intelligent animal," Pratt says, leaning into HER FACE so she gets it, man. Screaming dinosaur. Chaos. Running tourists. Huge aquatic dinosaur leaping out of water to eat flying dinosaur. OH!!! SHIT!!!
Jurassic World. June 12.
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You might have noticed I highlighted some words in my transcript! That is because I can't even remember the last time I heard "she" used five times in a movie trailer! Whooooooooops too bad it refers to a killer dinosaur!
Notice, at 1:11, the exchange between Pratt and Howard: Pratt: "Her tracking implant; she clawed it out." Howard: "How would it know to do that?" Pratt: "She remembered where they put it in." The dinosaur is "she" when Pratt (a man) is talking about her, and "it" when Howard (a woman) is talking about her. Huh.
So, basically, this is a story of a female beast brought into a manufactured world by people who want her to be polite and decorative and then murder her when she goes on a rage-filled rampage because she wants to be her whole self.
I gotta be honest: It kinda makes me root for the dinosaur.
The Monday Blogaround
This blogaround brought to you by cupcakes.
Recommended Reading:
Victoria and Rachel: [Content Note: Carcerality; dehumanization] The Case Against Using Derogatory Language to Describe People in Prison
Ragen: [CN: Fat hatred; body policing] Congress Trying to Suspend Civil Rights Protections at the Workplace
Diamond: [CN: Misogynoir; police brutality] Teen Girl Recovering After Being Shot by Minnesota Police
Sumitra: Stray Dog Who Followed Extreme Sports Team During Grueling Amazon Race Melts Internet Hearts
Chelsea: Hillary Clinton Perfected Her BlackBerry Stare on a Game Boy
Qimmah: Art Institute of Chicago Celebrates the 1960s 'Wall of Respect' Mural
Naveen: [CN: Homophobia; self-harm] Alison Bechdel's Graphic Novel Comes to Broadway in New Musical 'Fun Home'
Leave your links and recommendations in comments. Self-promotion welcome and encouraged!
Rage. Seethe. Boil.
[Content Note: Police brutality; misogynoir.]
The Chicago police officer who shot and killed Rekia Boyd in 2012 because he "thought for sure he was going to get shot," even though Boyd did not have a weapon, has been found not guilty:
In an unusual move, Judge Dennis Porter granted a defense motion for a directed verdict, meaning he found police officer Dante Servin not guilty without Servin even having to put on a defense.Emphasis mine. A judge who just let a police officer walk because he intentionally shot someone, without even requiring that officer defend himself, is lecturing people about "reasoned decisions."
Servin had been charged with involuntary manslaughter, reckless conduct and reckless discharge of a firearm — but Porter, in issuing his verdict, said Servin's conduct was "beyond reckless" in the March 2012 shooting of Rekia Boyd. Therefore, "it would be improper to allow the trial to continue given the total failure" to prove recklessness, which was key to all three charges. "The evidence does not support the charges on which the defendant is being tried."
The officer's decision to discharge his firearm, Porter said, "was an intentional act."
Porter seemed to know his decision would be controversial.
"This is not a place for emotion," he said before reading his verdict. "This is a place for reasoned decisions."
And is he seriously suggesting that "reckless" and "intentional" are mutually exclusive concepts? (He is.) Because they're not.
It appears that what he's doing here is saying that, because Servin's act was intentional, that means it doesn't meet Illinois' legal definition of reckless, which stipulates that Involuntary Manslaughter and Reckless Homicide are committed by a "person who unintentionally kills an individual without lawful justification." Basically, he's saying that a higher charge was warranted, and thus absolving him of the lesser charges.
I am without fucking words.
I am not surprised by the failure to hold a cop accountable for killing Rekia Boyd. But I am angry. Very, very angry.
And part of that anger is owed to the fact that this was so goddamned predictable.
Daily Dose of Cute
Ms. Olivia Twist.
As always, please feel welcome and encouraged to share pix of the fuzzy, feathered, or scaled members of your family in comments.
Quote of the Day
[Content Note: War on agency.]
"When you get in a focus group with people and you show them the entirely of the restrictions and exactly what's going on, there is total outrage—it's unlike anything I've ever seen in fifteen years of doing public opinion research."—Tresa Undem, a public opinion researcher for nonprofits, on using "a graph that gives people a visual representation of how many different abortion laws are in place in their state, and when those laws were passed" during focus groups, and how it reveals that, when people know what's actually happening to abortion access in the United States, there is none of the "closely divided" opinion an abortion about which we hear so much in the media.
You won't necessarily get meaningful results from asking Americans whether they're satisfied with the country's current abortion policies, or whether there should be more or fewer abortion restrictions in place, because people have no sense of the current landscape. There's a big information gap. Undem says that when she asks people in focus groups to tell her what laws currently govern abortion, most people don't know or are simply guessing. Most people say that abortion is easily accessible and covered by most insurance plans (it's not), and they have no idea what it actually costs (a lot). If you want to measure people's opinions about reality, Undem pointed out, you have to first inform them about what that reality is.There is much, much more at the link.
...Plus, questions about constitutional law may not be particularly relevant to most people. "Abortion has been legal for 40 years. So part of me wonders why we're still polling on legality," Undem told ThinkProgress. "I think a more accurate picture comes from when you're asking about what the public wants for someone who's decided to have an abortion."
That's one of the areas that Undem experimented with in the poll she recently conducted for Vox. She asked respondents a series of questions about what they believed a woman's abortion experience should look like. If a woman wanted to have an abortion, would they want her experience to be "comfortable," "supportive," "without pressure," "non-judgmental," "affordable," "informed by medically-accurate information," or "without added burdens"?
A large majority of respondents — at least 69 percent — said "yes" for each of those descriptors, suggesting there's consensus about how Americans want women to be treated after they choose to seek an abortion.
Why "The Internet Is Terrible" Doesn't Console Me
[Content Note: Harassment; sexual violence; social anxiety; terrible bargain.]
One of the things about this job is that it comes with a lot of shit. And that shit is hard to talk about, not just because of my own personal hang-ups about burdening my friends with my problems, but also because very few people know what to say, even when I do talk about it. Unless you're in it, day after day, it's difficult to understand how bad it really gets.
I get that. I once went to a very nice and smart and clearly compassionate therapist and spent the entire session trying to explain what a blog is and what social media is and what the current shape of laws governing online harassment are, so she could even begin to wrap her head around what I'm dealing with. She took notes, and asked lots of questions about how the internet works. I never went back.
Because I get that it's hard to totally understand, I appreciate the friends I have who, upon seeing some public display of harassment, invite me to talk about it and just listen and offer what supportive words they can, without offering me futile suggestions on how to fix something I cannot fix. I value anger; it feels good when people get angry on my behalf, because it makes me feel like people give a shit, and because it validates my own anger. Those are great responses.
What is not a great response, though a frustratingly common one, especially from strangers who have seen one public snowflake of the avalanche I navigate every day, is some variation on: "The internet is terrible."
That might be a great response—validating, consolatory—for someone else, but it is not for me.
And I daresay I'm not alone in being a person who makes her living on the internet, who has community on the internet, and who thus finds a generalized denunciation of the internet to be more harmful than helpful.
Following are some reasons why "The internet is terrible" is a construction that doesn't work for me, based on my particular set of lived experiences. This is certainly not intended to be a comprehensive list of reasons why people might find it problematic, nor to suggest that everyone who may share some or all of these circumstances necessarily also finds it problematic. It's merely intended to provide some thoughts about why it shouldn't axiomatically be considered a statement of support, and how, in fact, it may serve to be precisely the opposite.
The Internet Is Made of People
The internet is not separate from culture, but a reflection of culture. It's not "the internet" that is terrible, but the terrible people who comprise a global community that inhabits the internet who are terrible.
And it's not the internet that makes them terrible: It takes a special sort of cultivated ignorance to imagine that the anonymity of the internet creates the urges that underlie bullying, rather than merely empowering bullies to be uglier, meaner, bolder than some of them would be face-to-face.
It's not like no random dude ever called me a fat cunt before I started a blog.
To lay the blame for harassment and abuse at the feet of "the internet" is to absolve people who exploit its nature. And further to redirect blame at me—because if the issue is really "the internet," then it's my fault for participating in the first place, and the only option for me is to disengage from it.
Blaming "the internet" and disappearing that it is people and their choices that make the internet what it is, is a way of distancing oneself from responsible participation. If the internet is inherently and immutably terrible, then none of us are obliged to hold harassers and abusers to account.
Which is really just a cowardly way of telling me: "You're on your own, kiddo." That doesn't feel supportive, for what I'll assume are obvious reasons.
I Contribute to the Internet
A universal pronouncement of how terrible the internet is always a "Swallow shit, or ruin the entire afternoon?" moment for me. Because here is how that goes:
Option A: "I am being threatened by scary people because of my job." "The internet is terrible." Long pause. "Well, my site is part of the internet." "I didn't mean your site!" "You may not have meant it, but if you're writing off the entire internet—" "Jesus, don't take it so personally. I'm just trying to be supportive!" "I know, and I'm trying to explain why that doesn't feel supportive to me." Exasperation and escalation, leading to the conclusion that I am even more terrible than the internet.
Option B: "I am being threatened by scary people because of my job." "The internet is terrible." "Uh-huh." "Hey, check out this YouTube video…"
Heads they win; tails I lose.
It's a shitty position in which to be put, to feel defensive about the very existence of my own work when I'm seeking support for the steep costs of my work.
And, the truth is, it's just as easy to say, "I'm angry people do that to you" as it is to say, "The internet is terrible." But the latter, unlike the former, doesn't necessitate even a momentary contemplation of the costs I, and other content providers, bear about which consumers of that content don't want to think.
All of which is to say nothing of the fact that the internet allowed me to build something from which I make my living when I was laid off during an employment crisis and could not find traditional work, and continues to allow me to make a living in a nontraditional way regardless of health issues that might have negatively impacted my ability to stay employed.
I Learn from the Internet
One of my major visceral reactions to the idea that the internet lacks value lies in my regard for the internet as an absolutely stupendous educational tool. No, the internet is not wholly terrible; there are parts of the internet that are amaaaaaaazing.
I have learned—and continue to learn—so much from resources available to me only through the internet. Not just fact and figures and news (although I cannot overestimate the value of those), but all the things I learn about other people and their lived experiences.
Communicating with and listening to people whose lives look fundamentally different from my own has made me a much more empathetic person than I was when I first got online. It is incredible to be able to connect with people in faraway—or near—places talk in their own voices about what's going on in their communities and in their lives.
I'm more sensitive to the needs and desires of other people; I'm far less judgmental about other people's choices; my language is more inclusive—all of this is because of the global community of which I can be a part courtesy of the internet.
I've learned vast amounts about other people, and I've learned about myself. I am more content in my own skin because of the internet, where I encountered, for example, fat advocacy.
That is about as far from "terrible" as it gets.
I Am a Turtle
For me, one of the most precious advantages of the internet is that it keeps me connected. I don't mean the ability to keep up with the goings-on of old friends and distant relations—although that, too. I mean that it keeps me from disappearing.
I disappear easily, vanishing from social interaction like a retreating turtle into its shell—long stretches of desired lonesomeness during which I am perfectly content to be my only company. It's not because I love my friends any less, or because I'm depressed, or for any Important Reason at all, except that I am who I am, and that is someone who is very shy.
The first 13 years of my life, I was so painfully shy that I never laughed out loud at school, ever, which is difficult for friends made after that time to believe, because I laugh loudly and easily and often now. I still remember the first time I tried an out-loud laugh, hesitatingly and consciously, in Mr. Martz's social studies class, and Garth Miller looked at me from the next desk over with an expression one usually reserves for events like alien invasions and said, "I've never heard you laugh before!" Bless him, I had such a crush on him, and if he'd said it with less wonder and more judgment, I might never have laughed out loud again.
That is who I am, in the deepest roots of myself, the girl who had to summon the gumption to laugh out loud in class. And that is why it's so easy and so comfortable for me to disappear.
And disappearing, as I have a wont to do, was different before the internet. It read, quite understandably, like avoidance, when I stopped inviting people to socialize and picking up the phone. Even during a disappearance, I might still accept invitations and answer the phone to chat, but I stop reaching out. All of my limbs and my head and my tiny little triangular turtle tail get tucked inside the shell. And it isn't kind to be a friend who disappears without explanation, so I explain, as best "I am a shy turtle girl right now; no it isn't personal; no I am not depressed; no nothing is wrong I swear" can be explained, which I've found depends a lot on how inclined to turtliness the listener hirself is.
The internet has made disappearing easier, in the sense that I don't totally disappear. I can maintain the necessary indulgence of my introvert nature and still be the one doing the reaching out. Sometimes, it is during a disappearance that I write the most meaningful emails, have the most wonderful tumbling conversations via text, give my friends the biggest laugh by posting some elaborate Photoshopped monstrosity of their favorite things on their Facebook walls. Dispatches from the shell.
That is a life that feels real to me, and fuller than my life without the internet, which is a tool that helps me actively maintain relationships with my dear and deeply valued friends, in spite of the social anxiety that constantly invites me to retreat.
I find less need now to attend events during periods when my shyness and anxiety conspire to engulf me; I have fewer instances of sitting at the end of the bed, ostensibly deciding what to wear, but actually contemplating whether it is worth risking a panic attack in a crowded space in order to avoid having to make a call to a friend who would totally understand that I'm not coming. Not disappearing completely helps me engage in self-care.
Which is to say nothing about all the friendships I have made via the internet, not a few of which are with people who are shy in the same way I am. I value beyond measure my extroverted friends, but they can't totally relate to the part of me that does the disappearing act. It feels good to be understood intimately, by people who disappear, too.
It is a combination of in-person and online communication that lets me be who I am actually am.
That, I realize, it what gets under my skin about the diminishment of online communications and friendships as "not real"—because the internet has helped me become my realest self.
I Met My Husband on the Internet
Obviously, saying the internet is a wasteland is perhaps not the best thing to offer to a person who's met the most important person in her life via the internet, but it's not the slight to the origins of my relationship that particularly bothers me: It's the indifference to how the internet facilitated our safe meeting.
It's not just that we met at all, but also that we met safely.
Because we met online, there was a lot more hand-wringing among friends and family about Iain's and my first in-person meeting than there would have been had we met at a coffee shop and I'd agreed to go on a date with him. (Approximately: A metric fuckton of hand-wringing vs. none.) But, realistically, neither proposition was inherently less safe than the other.
I had good reason to trust Iain: We spoke on a daily basis for months before we met; I had his telephone number and address, to which I'd sent packages he'd received; he happily trekked to an internet cafe to speak with me via webcam when he didn't have one at home. What measures he could take to ensure I knew to whom I was speaking, he took, without my even having to ask. Before we met in person, I knew his parents' names, his friends' names, his pet's name, where he worked, his favorite books, his birthday... More, way more, than I ever knew about someone with whom I went on a first date.
And, once upon a time, a person I'd been dating for months, after meeting in a "real way," raped me.
It's not, of course, that internet meetings cannot lead to heartbreak and even danger. They certainly can. But so can relationships formed in person. Trust is not established sheerly by proximity.
All of the trust we built, we two people who each had our own reasons to want to establish deep trust with any potential partner, was made possible by the internet.
I Have Community on the Internet
To state the obvious, there is just a fuckload of cool shit on the internet. It's not all terrible. It's just silly to say that it is, really.
Let's be honest: Some of the worst things on the internet are heinous responses to some of the best things on the internet.
And among the many, many cool things on the internet is the potential for community.
Among my internet community are a number of terrific acquaintances, brilliant colleagues, and remarkable friends who make me feel like the luckiest person alive. I have made friends over the internet who are an integral part of my family of choice.
My internet-made friend Mannion once wrote a pair of lovely posts about human connection and its being one of the great mysteries of the universe. Connection is one of my favorite topics; I could endlessly discuss the many ways that humans find to connect, and all the little intricacies of connection—what love feels like, how love between friends feels different than between lovers, coincidences of meeting, the strange things that happen among people of like minds and hearts. I love stories of meeting, of how great friendships and affairs and marriages came to be, because they are so often rich with mystery and providence, gilded with an intangible promise to abide, the inducement of which cannot be recognized.
My grandmother, who lived her life nearly in its entirety before the internet, was a passionate jigsaw-puzzler, with hundreds of the things crookedly lining overstuffed shelves in her cellar. I can't see a jigsaw puzzle without thinking of her, recalling the ever-present card table with a semi-completed puzzle on its top that she would carry from room to room. I have in my closet a 500-piece panorama of the skyline of New York City—the city she called home her whole life—that I bought her the Christmas just before she died. It's so many years ago now that the skyline still includes the World Trade Center, but when I look at the box, still in its wrapper, it's my grandmother that I miss.
Sometimes her puzzles would have an extra piece that didn't go anywhere; the puzzle would be done, but there would be this one odd piece. It was almost always a middle piece, instead of an edge, so it wasn't until the puzzle was complete that the odd piece out revealed itself. She kept these odd pieces, throwing them all into a faded old coffee canister, as if one day, perhaps, they'd all make a puzzle of their own.
I'm a bit of an odd puzzle piece. But I don't mind. My life has become a canister for collecting other odd puzzle pieces, and if we don't fit perfectly anywhere else, we are nonetheless joined by the inscrutability of how such odd pieces came to be. Among odd pieces, the awkwardness of not fitting anywhere else takes a new shape, a sort of sameness, a warm familiarity. Or so it seems to me.
In his posts, Mannion isn't necessarily talking about odd pieces, but he does mention a friend who he met online, which has a peculiar but wonderful way of connecting people, many of whom probably consider themselves odd pieces. "Before it happened to me," says Mannion, "even for a long time after, I'd have said it was impossible to become real friends with someone you never touched."
I was once as dubious as he was about the ability to forge friendships via the internet, also before it happened to me, but here I am, with a life full of friends made both offline and online across the course of my life. Some of my friends from childhood have become virtual friends with people I've met through blogging.
Last year, for my 40th birthday, a roomful of extraordinary people joined by their connection to me came together for a grand party. How each of us had first connected did not matter, in terms of the quality and ferocity of the connection. It only mattered insomuch as it was only the internet which ever could have delivered many of us into each other's lives.
The truth is that humans are adaptable creatures, and if you give them a new way to make a connection, even one that lacks a lens into precise circumstance or physical contact, they will find a way to make a connection. Not all of them. Surely there are people for whom falling in love with someone the way I did, before I ever even saw his picture, or forging a lasting friendship, is simply not possible, for one reason or another. Maybe such things are dependent on a transcendent imagination. Maybe they bloom in the soil of need.
Odd pieces tend to struggle with connection, which can be brutal—watching the beauty of connection lay itself across the faces of people to whom it comes so easily, over and over, and always just out of your reach. But the experience can be informative. Odd pieces uniquely appreciate connection, and thusly connect in a different way.
I was maybe six when I tried putting all my grandmother's odd puzzle pieces together. "If you stick those together," she told me, "they might not come apart, because they weren't designed to fit." She was right. They were tough to connect together, but even tougher to break apart again.
The internet is not terrible, not to me. There are terrible people on the internet, like there are terrible people everywhere. But without the internet, I would not have my work, my marriage, many of my friends. The first picture I ever saw of Dudley was on the internet; we filled out his adoption form online, with a greyhound rescue we found via the internet.
The internet is not so much a thing as it is a place. Bad things happen in places, and so do good things.
"The internet is terrible" is about as helpful to me as "boycott Indiana," for very much the same reasons. I don't want you to write it off, and claim that it's for my own good. I want you to help me fix it; I want you to see the things that are good, and the things that aren't; I want you to believe with me that it's possible to make it better.
I want it to be okay for me to expect more, and I want you to expect more, too.
In the News
Here is some stuff in the news today...
[Content Note: Drowning] The latest in an ongoing series of terrible migrant boat disasters in the Mediterranean: "Rescuers scrambled on Monday to reach two boats in distress in the Mediterranean even as the search continued for survivors of what it is feared will be one of the worst disasters involving migrants attempting the perilous crossing to Europe from Africa. Officials estimate that 700 people may have drowned after a ship carrying hundreds of migrants sank in the Mediterranean Sea on Saturday night, though that number could rise sharply. Bodies were seen floating in the water, and rescuers said that some remained trapped inside the vessel. Only 24 bodies had been recovered by Sunday evening." And there is still no viable plan from the EU about how to address this problem.
[CN: Police brutality; racism; death] Freddie Gray, a 25-year-old black man from Baltimore, died "one week after he was rushed to the hospital with spinal injuries following an encounter with four Baltimore police officers. Gray, who died Sunday morning at a University of Maryland trauma center, was stopped by Baltimore police officers on bike patrol April 12. Police have said Gray was running away from the officers when he was arrested and placed in a transport van. About 30 minutes later, Gray was rushed to the hospital in critical condition, according to police. Billy Murphy, an attorney for Gray's family, said Sunday that 80 percent of the man's spinal cord had been severed near his neck." What in the hell happened to Freddie Gray? And is anyone going to be held accountable for it?
[CN: Police brutality; domestic violence] And in another heinous example of how "Stand Your Ground" laws are only for privileged white men: An Alabama woman shot and wounded her estranged husband who entered her house with a gun. When her mother, who lived with the woman, called police, police arrived and found the woman still holding her shotgun and shot her. Luckily, she is expected to survive.
(Meanwhile, gun advocates want women to arm themselves to deter misogynistic violence. Yeah. That's going to work out great for women.)
[CN: Unlawful prosecution; death penalty] Holy hell: "The FBI has admitted 'errors' in evidence provided by its forensics laboratory to US courts to help secure convictions, including in death penalty cases, over more than 20 years. A report by the Office of the Inspector General (OIG) noted 'irregularities' in the hair analysis unit. ...Flawed forensics were used in at least 60 capital punishment cases, the OIG report found. Fourteen defendants were either executed or died in prison, says the Washington Post, which first reported the story at the weekend."
[CN: Misogyny] This Politico story on "The Secret History of Women in the Senate" opens with this anecdote: "Kay Hagan just wanted to swim. It was late 2008, and the Democrat was newly arrived on Capitol Hill as North Carolina's junior senator-elect. But Hagan was told that the Senate pool was males-only. Why? Because some of the male senators liked to swim naked." Good grief. Only 44 women have ever served in the US Senate, and it's pretty damn clear that most of the men who serve there would like the number to be zero.
[CN: Racism; misogyny] Woooooof: "Democrats' hunt for the white working-class male voter." Literally, this is the exact opposite of what Democrats should be doing. Stop pandering to white men, and start creating and advocating policy that will benefit poor women of color. (Pro-Tip: Any policy that will benefit poor women of color will ultimately benefit us all. The same cannot be said, at all, about policies designed specifically to benefit white men.)
[CN: Racism; police brutality; sexual violence] Would you like to read an interview with the amazing Toni Morrison? Well, here you go! Someday I want someone to be able to describe my voice as having "a faint suggestion of thunder." Damn.
This is interesting: "Space debris has become a matter of concern for space agencies. As per estimations, there are around 500,000 pieces of debris, including defunct parts of old satellites, rockets and spacecraft, of varying sizes like the size of a marble, or larger are orbiting Earth. ...Now, a team of researchers from Japan's Riken research institute have come up with a plan to get rid of this debris. ...After detecting the junk [using the infrared telescope of the European Space Agency's Extreme Universe Space Observatory], the proposed plan would be using a fiber-based laser system to shoot the debris items till the time they are eliminated from the orbit and destroy while re-entering into Earth's atmosphere."
[CN: Video will autoplay at link] Have y'all seen the new trailer for Batman v Superman? I don't think it looks very good. Check it out.
[CN: Video will autoplay at link] Haha j/k! Here's the real trailer. Which definitely stinks! I'd rather see a movie of that screaming pug.
Speaking of trailers: "Star Wars: The Force Awakens Trailer Viewed 88 Million Times In 24 Hours." Zoinks!
Paul Feig's all-female remake of Ghostbusters has already had its budget cut, because of course it has. $169 million to $154 million might not sound like a big deal, but that's 10% of the budget—gone.
[CN: Video will autoplay at link] And finally! Here is Cookie the Lionhead Rabbit being adorable. OMG.
Streaming Recommendations
I've been involved in a bunch of online and offline conversations lately where people were seeking and/or recommending TV shows available on streaming services, so I thought I'd open up a thread here on that subject.
Have you been watching anything lately via Netflix, or Amazon, or another streaming service that you'd recommend? Either an old show that's now available in its entirety, or a new show that's been produced specifically for streaming.
I just finished the first two seasons of Rita, a Danish show about the life of the titular character. I enjoyed it a whole lot, and, if you like shows like Nurse Jackie or The Good Wife, you might also enjoy Rita.
So, recommend away—and let's all bear in mind as we make and take recommendations that no show is perfect, we all like problematic things, and we all draw our lines in different places.
Primarily Speaking
[Content Note: Homophobia; guns; misogyny.]
Mitt Romney ain't the only one who can stand in front of flags, baby!
Senator Marco Rubio continues his awesome campaign of being awesome on same-sex marriage: "[I believe] the definition of the institution of marriage should be between one man and one woman. States have always regulated marriage. And if a state wants to have a different definition, you should petition the state legislature and have a political debate. I don't think courts should be making that decision, and I don't believe same-sex marriage is a Constitutional right. I also don't believe that your sexual preferences are a choice for the vast and enormous majority of people. In fact...I believe that sexual preference is something that people are born with." Well, who the fuck cares what you "believe," Senator? Your personal beliefs are irrelevant to a conversation about whether people should be given basic rights.
That's a pretty terrific example of a privileged person filtering marginalized people's experiences through a validity prism and then thinking that their personal views, skewed by unexamined privilege, are "facts," rather than just subjective opinions utterly without value.
Meanwhile, I love how the coverage of Republicans' views on same-sex marriage is being framed as whether they'd attend a same-sex wedding reception: Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has totes "attended a gay wedding reception." Oh goody for him WHO CARES.
I guess this is their hottt new way of saying they "hate the sin but love the sinner." Hiss spit.
And what a supercool voting base they have that "I definitely want to continue to deny same-sex couples their basic rights, but I am magnanimous enough to risk GAY COOTIES by going to one of their hedonistic soirees!" is something that will sound reasonable to many people, and the rest of them will be shitting mad because these candidates don't hate same-sex couples enough to refuse to even attend their wedding receptions.
COOL CANDIDATES! COOL VOTERS! COOL PARTY!
What is Senator Ted Cruz even talking about? "There are ridiculous arguments against gun control, perhaps the silliest of which is that the framers of the Constitution wanted to preserve the possibility, or even encourage the idea, of armed rebellion against the government. It's a particularly absurd argument when it comes from a member of Congress who is running for president. 'The Second Amendment to the Constitution isn't for just protecting hunting rights, and it's not only to safeguard your right to target practice,' said one of those people, Senator Ted Cruz of Texas. 'It is a Constitutional right to protect your children, your family, your home, our lives, and to serve as the ultimate check against governmental tyranny—for the protection of liberty.' So Mr. Cruz says people should own guns so they can shoot him if he gets out of hand as a senator or in the extremely unlikely event that he becomes president? Doing so, under any circumstances, would be a hideous crime and Mr. Cruz would be at the front of the line demanding that the shooter be executed."
This is, of course, among the many absurd arguments that come from people who hate government but want to be in charge of it.
Something something New Jersey Governor Chris Christie something something very unpopular.
I can't even: Ohio Governor John Kasich says he's waiting for a message from god before deciding whether to run for president. I'm guessing that "message from god" will come (or not come) in the form of a billionaire willing to finance his campaign.
In other potential candidate news, Senator Lindsey Graham says he's 91% sure he'll run for president. So precise! I want to see the math on that calculation! Show your work, Senator!
I will give Graham credit for being honest about why he will or won't run: "If I can raise the money, I'll do it."
No one give Lindsey Graham any money thank you.
Senator Rand Paul continues to demonstrate his respect for women in glorious ways [CN: video may autoplay at link]: "I'm starting to worry that when Hillary Clinton travels, there's gonna need to be two planes—one for her and her entourage, and one for her baggage." HAHAHAHAHA OMG THAT IS SO FUNNY because it plays two ways: Because Hillary Clinton has a lot of personal and professional "baggage," and because she's a woman and YOU KNOW HOW WOMEN ARE WITH ALL THEIR GODDAMN LUGGAGE! This fucking guy.
It's pretty cool how Clinton is basically the Republicans' #1 issue: Fuck climate change, screw the economy, LET'S SAY MEAN THINGS ABOUT HILLARY CLINTON! Genius move, geniuses.
And get this: Carly Fiorina "wants to block Hillary Rodham Clinton from playing the 'gender card' in the 2016 presidential race." LOL OMG I AM TAKING A NAP UNTIL NOVEMBER 9, 2016!!!
It's not just the Republicans, though, of course: Former Maryland Governor Martin O'Malley says he'd make a better president than Clinton because he's got executive experience: "I have 15 years of executive experience as a big-city mayor and as a governor."
I mean, this is real tired stuff. George W. Bush was a governor: That didn't make him a good president. This same charge was leveled against Barack Obama: His lack of executive experience hasn't made him a bad president. Just stop it. This is a garbage idea, Martin O'Malley. I know it, and you know it, so stop saying it. And start saying things that actually make a real case for your presidency. Cripes.
Here's just a real Reuters headline about Hillary Clinton: "Mission possible? Turning Hillary Clinton into a fresh face." And the accompanying story is even better, because its author gives Clinton totally trenchant advice like "Show some emotion" and "Keep Bill Clinton under control." GOOD GRIEF THIS IS JUST EMBARRASSING FOR YOU SHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.
The Virtual Pub Is Open
[Explanations: lol your fat. pathetic anger bread. hey your gay.]
TFIF, Shakers!
Belly up to the bar,
and name your poison!
Two-Minute Nostalgia Sublime
Carrie Underwood: "Good Girl"
This week's TMNS have been brought to you by Ladies of American Idol.
You're Embarrassing Yourselves
President Obama lets the Republicans have it over their absurd refusal to confirm Loretta Lynch as the next Attorney General:
President Obama on Friday vented his frustration over the delay in confirming his attorney general pick Loretta Lynch, calling the Senate's handling of her nomination "embarrassing."Emphasis mine. And what is the cause of the delay? Senate Republicans are holding up the vote on her nomination until the passage of "an unrelated human-trafficking bill that is stalled in the Senate," to which Senate Democrats object because of anti-abortion language inserted into the measure.
In his strongest comments to date on the delay, Obama chided the Senate for engaging in "political gamesmanship" by not bringing Lynch's nomination up for a vote.
"It's gone too far," Obama said during a press conference with Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi. "Enough. Enough. Call Loretta Lynch for a vote."
Lynch, a veteran federal prosecutor, is poised to become the first black female attorney general in U.S. history. But she has waited 160 days to be confirmed, longer than the previous seven attorney general nominees combined.
(That isn't the only problem with the legislation, but, unfortunately, it's the only piece to which Democrats are objecting.)
So Democrats won't pass a piece of anti-choice Republican legislation, and, in a fit of petulant pique, Republicans are blackmailing them by holding up Lynch's nomination.
These fucking jerks.
