Zelda
Dudley
The Walking Thread
(Spoilers are lurching around undeadly herein. CN: Violence; self-harm.)
Previously on The Walking Dead: Clues to what will happen in this episode of The Walking Dead! Which is the season finale! Omagerd! WHO IS GOING TO DIE?! I hope it's the Governor, but I am pretty sure that the writers of The Walking Dead enjoy having a sociopathic murdering rape-monster around too much to kill him off. Whoops. So it'll prolly be Andrea. That is what I am thinking when this episode begins. Wheeeeeeeeeee!
We open with a first-person perspective on Governor Cyclops, from the viewpoint of someone he is torturing. And obviously a torture scene is the best time for a cool reversal prank, so it turns out not to be Andrea, as we expect, but Melvin Nerdly. He is in bad shape! By which I mean there is blood spatter on his face but no swelling or bruising. "We've got too many zombies to spare budget on Nerdly! Just throw some corn syrup on him and get working on the zombie who's carrying his own entrails in his hands!"—The Producers, probably.
Governor Cyclops takes Melvin Nerdly to see Andrea in the next room, at which point Andrea does this thing WHICH I HATE that lots of television shows and movies do, which is use their characters to provide totally unnatural exposition because they think their audience is fucking stupid, and of course I am referring to Andrea referring to something the Governor said while he was in the room next door, but prefacing it with a hastily delivered, "I overheard you talking and..." I AM AN ADULT HUMAN BEING WHO IS CAPABLE OF INFERRING THAT A CHARACTER WHO RESPONDS TO SOMETHING ANOTHER CHARACTER SAID IN ANOTHER ROOM OVERHEARD IT. Actors always seem to know this is a bullshit move, because the line is always delivered with wooden embarrassment, and this scene is no exception.
Anyway. Governor Cyclops tells Melvin Nerdly he's keeping Andrea alive because he'll need her for something, but then after some bloviating about how only kill-machines survive in the zombiepocalypse, he tells Melvin Nerdly to kill Andrea. Of course Melvin Nerdly tries to kill Governor Cyclops instead, who immediately slow-death guts him and then locks him in the room with Andrea, so he can devour her once he's zombified. On his way out, the Governor says, "In this life now, you kill or you die—or you die and you kill." Ask not what your zombified corpse can do for the Governor—ask what the Governor will do with your zombified corpse! (Put it in an aquarium FYI.)
Over at Grimes Jail, Grimes Gang is packing all their shit up, and we are probably meant to think they're leaving? But they are not leaving, because that would make sense. They are just making it LOOK LIKE they are leaving, obvs.
Carl the Hat is real mad at his dad, and I have lost track of why, but: A. It's probably all the reasons we are mad at him (e.g. stupid decisions, more stupid decisions); and B. Who cares.
Grimes observes to Hershel, "He's still a kid—it's easy to forget that." HA HA is it? Is it easy to forget that the tiny person wearing an oversized sheriff's hat is still a kid? I NEVER forget that! I never accidentally say, "That young adult man is so fucking annoying." I always say, "That kid is so fucking annoying." And so does everyone else.
Michonne finds Grimes so she can tell him she understands that he had to consider trading her to the Governor, because, yeah, it's definitely HER JOB to clear the air on THAT ONE. (Sheesh, Grimes, you are the fucking worst.) And then she tells him thanks for taking her in, and, to Grimes' credit, he's pretty honest about the fact that he's a dirtbag and it was Carl the Hat who made the decision in her favor.
I Write Letters
Dear Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWine,
I read on Saturday that you've written to HHS Secretary Sebelius that you think all employers should be allowed to "opt out" due to religious beliefs of having insurance that covers contraception for employees. I also saw that you've filed supporting briefs in not one but two lawsuits arguing the same idea. Let's review what you said, shall we?
DeWine said last night that requiring business owners to include prescriptions such as the morning-after pill, which critics say are abortive, as an employee insurance benefit could be a “direct contradiction” to the religious beliefs of some employers.Ok. Well. I spot two problems right off that I think, just maybe, you should be aware of.
“They’re being forced to provide insurance coverage that violates their religious beliefs,” DeWine said. “They’re being forced to provide insurance coverage for a form of abortion. To me, it’s a religious-freedom issue.”
1. PlanB & similar emergency contraceptives do not induce abortions. Regular birth control pills also do not cause abortions. Mifepristone and misoprostol are what are taken in medication abortions. So, you know, there's that.
2. Employers should NOT be allowed to decide, especially based on their chosen supernatural beliefs, what medications employees get to have covered by the insurance they are paying for. Employees shouldn't have their medical options inhibited by their boss's choice to believe in religious rules and/or straight up be willfully ignorant of basic facts. This? Not a hard concept to understand.
On your site you say: "Every day in the Ohio Attorney General’s Office we are working to protect Ohio families. Everything we do here comes under that.”
Working to help businesses deny Ohio citizens, your constituents, necessary insurance coverage for basic medical needs is not, in fact, "working to protect Ohio families". If anything, it is the exact opposite.
So, Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWine: you can fuck right off.
With contempt,
Me.
P.S. In June I will be moving back to Ohio and thus become your constituent myself. This shall be such good times, amirite?
In The News
[Content note: Misogyny, homophobia, racism]
Pump Up The Jam:
Cindy McCain wants you to take this totally great survey! (Sample question: "Should the United State build a fence along the US/Mexico border to keep illegal people out of our country?")
This is a real thing in the world: A novel based on the mini-series The Bible.
Boston police went undercover on the Internet to stop the city's most dreaded scourge: DIY indie-rock shows. Hilarity unsued.
They Hate Us For Our Freedom, North Korean Edition.
Mind: BLOWN! Shapeshifting aliens are being employed by the Secret Service!
Misogyny is fab!
The Right basically shit their pants when Sunday's Google doodle featured Cesar Chavez.
There Goes My Newshole!
[Content note: transphobia]
The Hill :
The Health and Human Services Department said early Friday that it would accept public comments on whether to reexamine its decision not to cover sex changes.
But a spokesperson said Friday evening that the proposal has been withdrawn. HHS pulled information from its website Friday after various news media outlets reported on the issue.
Happy
Just to give you an idea of how this went down, check out the URL for that story: http://thehill.com/blogs/healthwatch/medicare/291063-hhs-board-to-consider-covering-sex-changes-under-medicare-medicaid [emphasis mine]
Charlton Heston got twelve hours on network TV. I got a news story that I had to share with its own retraction.
This leads me to a pair of observations for the Obama administration:
First: I don't know if you've heard this before, but HOLY MOTHER OF REAGAN YOU ASSHOLES ARE REALLY BAD AT THIS SHIT.
"All men should be feminists."
This is an actual true fact about me: John Legend's "If You're Out There" is one of my favorite songs. I could pretty much listen to this on a loop for the rest of my life:
[Lyrics here.]
And, another actual true fact, I am listening to the song right now as I share with you this story about John Legend:
Legend announced The Sound of Change Live [last week], a concert to raise funds and awareness for Chime for Change, a charity which raises funds to improve the lives of women worldwide.Well, you know that old saying—if Hillary Clinton AND John Legend say it, it must be true!
The gig will be at Twickenham Stadium, south London, on June 1 this year, and will feature performances from Florence & The Machine, Beyoncé, Ellie Goulding and BBC Sound of 2013 band, Haim. Producer and musician Timbaland will also be joining Legend on the line-up.
At a press conference for the event, Legend explained his commitment to the charity, which aims to promote and empower women internationally.
He said: "All men should be feminists. If men care about women's rights the world will be a better place." The singer, who has won nine Grammy awards and has collaborated with Kanye West, Jay-Z, Alicia Keys and The Roots, cited his mother as an inspiration.
Legend said: "We are better off when women are empowered – it leads to a better society."
Sounds Legit
[Content Note: Homophobia.]
Sue Everhart, chairwoman of the Georgia Republican Party, has a serious concern about the legalization of same-sex marriage:
[O]nce gay nuptials are legally permitted, there will be nothing to stop a straight person from exploiting the system in order to claim marital benefits.Sure. Because if there's one thing we know about different-sex marriage, it's that no one ever does it for reasons other than True Love Which Lasts Forever. And, as we all learned from the classic Gérard Depardieu vehicle Green Card, even in the RARE EVENT that a man and a woman who hate each other decide to get married for opportunistic reasons, true love will find them, anyway. LIKE IT OR NOT.
"You may be as straight as an arrow, and you may have a friend that is as straight as an arrow," Everhart said. "Say you had a great job with the government where you had this wonderful health plan. I mean, what would prohibit you from saying that you're gay, and y'all get married and still live as separate, but you get all the benefits? I just see so much abuse in this it's unreal. I believe a husband and a wife should be a man and a woman, the benefits should be for a man and a woman. There is no way that this is about equality. To me, it's all about a free ride."
It's science. Look it up.
Can we be sure the same thing will happen to two straight people pretending to be gay for healthcare benefits? I DON'T KNOW. Until Vincent Cassel makes an African-scored rom-com about it, we will probably NEVER KNOW.
Obviously, I am not as imaginative as Chairwoman Everhart, so I can't imagine the fauxmopocalypse that she can. All I can imagine is making sure every human being has access to the same rights and benefits as individuals, so no one ever has to get married in order to access medical care, because I am super uncreative like that. Clearly, privileging different-sex couples and imagining they never get hitched for less-than storybook romantic reasons like benefits, access to military housing, political appearances, familial pressure, or because they want to have kids and, hey, this person seems good enough for some procreation that can't be delayed any longer, is a much more creative solution than my boring old scheme.
Anyway.
Lest you imagine that Everhart is just ridiculous and not also hateful:
Everhart also expressed a distaste for homosexuality, which she argued is unnatural.Um.
"Lord, I'm going to get in trouble over this, but it is not natural for two women or two men to be married," Everhart said. "If it was natural, they would have the equipment to have a sexual relationship."
Someone please send Ms. Everhart Dink Flamingo's entire back catalog—STAT. Mark it "educational materials."
Sunday Shuffle
Those are actually two separate (but related!) Decemberists songs, and I highly rec also listening to the non-acoustic, full-band versions: The Crane Wife 1 & 2, The Crane Wife 3.
How about you?
The Virtual Pub Is Open
[Explanations: lol your fat. pathetic anger bread. hey your gay.]
TFIF, Shakers!
Belly up to the bar,
and name your poison!
Programming Note
We're all going to take a recuperative long weekend, starting this evening. There will be a pub tonight, and there will be daily open threads, which we'll moderate, but no new content until next Tuesday.
I hope everyone has a nice weekend. See you soon!
Elementary
I can't believe there's no new Elementary again this week. How can you do this to me, CBS? Don't you understand that I cannot wait (I DON'T WANT TO WAIT!) until April 4 for a new episode? This is terrible. Your deeply unsatisfying schedule is causing me to make this face:
That is all.
[Here is a thread to talk about All Things Elementary for any Shakers who miss it, who just started watching it, who just got caught up, etc. Enjoy!]
An Observation
If there is one turn of phrase for which I'm known, well, it's probably Terrible Bargain. But if there's another phrase for which I'm known, it's: I'm not offended; I'm contemptuous.
For reasons that I probably don't need to explain to anyone who's been paying attention, I've lately been thinking about the ways in which accusations of anger (or fury, or rage, or whatever variations thereof) are used as discrediting strategies in the same way accusations of offense are.
And in the same way that marginalized people are accused of being offended, when what we are really are is contemptuous, marginalized people are frequently accused of being angry, when what we really are is frustrated.
Don't get me wrong: I have nothing against anger; to the contrary, I find anger can be useful, and necessary, and the root of progress.
But there are a lot of times I am accused of being angry (as if that's a bad thing) when I'm not actually angry—and I see that happening to a lot of marginalized people, especially women of every and any intersectional identity. We are dismissed out of hand as angry, when we are really frustrated—usually because we are being obliged to play games around having our lived experience audited with a validity prism being wielded by a privileged person who erroneously sees themselves as An Objective Arbiter, who is, in so doing, literally frustrating our ability to assert expertise on our own perceptions.
Frustration is not anger. (Although it certainly has the capacity to morph into anger, or coexist with it.) Frustration is "a feeling of dissatisfaction, often accompanied by anxiety or depression, resulting from unfulfilled needs or unresolved problems."
That is the thing I am feeling when I am most likely to be called angry. Overwhelming dissatisfaction as a result of the cyclical and systemic lack of being heard, respected, treated as an equal.
So, to the lexicon of useful phrases I add this: I'm not angry; I'm dissatisfied.
Get to Know a Contributor
Here are the Five Things You Need To Know about Melissa McEwanz:
1. She writes poetry. Lots of poetry. Like, mountains of it. If you could measure all her poetry, it would weigh more than a T. Rex. Almost all of it is about her first crush: Gil Gerard.
2. She has a tattoo of Falkor on her shoulder.
3. She once said "This is the greatest fanny back ever invented!" I'd explain that, but it's kind of complicated.
4. Her favourite Garbage Pail Kids card is Rappin' Ron.
5. Her go-to soundtrack album for sexy-times doing it is Monster Ballads:
Discussion Thread: My Song
You know how sometimes you hear a song, and you listen to the lyrics for the first time—which is maybe not even necessarily the first time you heard and enjoyed the song, but definitely the first time you really paid attention to the lyrics—and suddenly you're all, "OMG THIS SONG IS ABOUT ME!" by which you don't actually mean the song was written about you, individual human being, but that it feels like it could have been written about you, individual human being, because you relate so darn hard to those lyrics? Do you know that feeling? If you don't, skip this thread with my apologies that this does not have relevance to your life.
But if you DO know that feeling, then tell us: What is that song, or are those songs, for you?
