[Content Note: Guns; gun affinity; gun violence; bullying.]
Hey, dipshits. It's me, Butch Pornstache, and I'm here as an official spokesman (or spokesWOMAN, ladies) of Straight White Conservative Maledom to talk some straight scoop at your asses on guns, gun ownership, and gun laws, because my stepmom Cheryl, who may as well be literally sipping latte when she insults America by drinking Corona Light (it's the "light" part I find offensive, not the Mexican part), is all ticked-off about America's love of totally legal high-powered assault weaponry in light of all these mass shootings, so I figured you'd be all ticked-off, too.
As usual, I find myself in the annoyifying position of having to choose between saying what I know is right and saying what I know will keep the dudes down at the gun range from pantsing the bejesus out of me—but, if there's one thing I've learned from my ex-wife/fiancée Tammy besides what a perfect mid-day snack string cheese is, it's that I really need to stop saying stupid shit I haven't thought about. If I'm gonna say stupid shit, it should be something I thought good and hard about and came to my own conclusions, not just repeating what I hear at swap meets and parking lot MMA fights.
Not that there's not a lot of good information at parking lot MMA fights. There is. But there's a lot of bullshit, too, man.
Anyways, I am literally a card-carrying member of the NRA, and I like guns a lot. Like, A LOT. I own a whole arsenal of them, which I keep in a secret locked-up hiding place that is not the rusty foot locker covered by a Star Wars sleeping bag behind my stepmom Cheryl's garage so don't even check there.
And as a card-carrying member of the NRA, I am very pro-NRA catch phrases, like: "The Second Amendment: America's Original Homeland Security" (HELL YEAH!) and: "NRA: Freedom's Frontline" (FUCK YEAH!) and "You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead hands" (actually, I'd probably just give you one of my guns before I'd die for it, because I have like a million).
The one slogan I don't really like, though, which is my best friend Dick Balzac's favorite, and he's always yelling it, as if people can't just READ IT on the bumpersticker of his minivan, is: "Guns don't kill people. People kill people."
Ted Nugent would totally hold me down and fart directly in my mouth for saying this, but that slogan is bullshit, man. I am no Professor of Mathematics at Counting University, but I ain't no fucking dummy, either. Ain't no way that little pissant in Colorado or that d-bag in Wisconsin coulda killed so many people without guns. I have tried working it out every which way possible—slingshot, katana, portable mini-trebuchet—and the numbers just don't add up.
I guess what I'm saying is: People kill people, but they can kill a lot more of them if they've got guns.
And it makes me REAL MAD that next time I'm at the gun range, some dill-hole is gonna pee in my Mountain Dew when I'm not looking just because I said that. But IT'S TRUE. I don't even know why those fuckfaces even try to deny it, when the WHOLE REASON WE LOVE GUNS is because they are amazing kill machines!
I mean, have you ever even WATCHED Top Shot? The whole show is just a bunch of gun enthusiasts jizzing in their pants about how awesome guns are! (With the occasional super boring episode about bows and arrows. NO THANK YOU!)
All's I'm saying is that I have way more fire power than I need to kill a deer. And, honestly? I usually just buy hamburger meat at Dinky's Superstore, anyway.
I also have way more fire power than I need stop a home invasion, especially since it's usually just my brother Buck trying to steal my weed and I ain't gonna shoot him again. (Lay off—the first time was an accident!) You know I hate like hell when I accidentally LEARN SOMETHING from you femifarts, but I have noticed, if I'm perfectly honest, that the people who are most likely to get hurt in this country (and maybe even the whole world!?) are not the people who are obsessed with the idea of people trying to hurt them.
There's a lot of dumbasses buying guns because they're scared for no good reason, instead of for the right reason to buy guns like I do—because they're cool and shit.
So, in summation: Guns do, in fact, kill people. You heard it here first.
Pornstache: Out.
P.S. Does anyone want to buy any guns? I need to sell them to pay for Tammy's and my re-wedding.
Guns and Shit
Seen
The saddest part about this decal, besides EVERYTHING, was that there was a toddler car seat in the back seat, surrounded by princess toys.
"Thanks a shitload for driving me around in your douchemobile, DAD!"
Monday Blogaround
This blogaround brought to you by aggrieved puppies with personal space complaints.
Recommended Reading:
Eric: Second Fire in Five Weeks Burns Missouri Mosque
Anna: The White World of Sports: What Gabby Douglas' Vault into Olympic History Means [Content Note: The post at this link contains discussion of racism.]
Lisa: Photographic Coverage of Olympic Beach Volleyball [Content Note: The post at this link contains discussion and images of misogynistic objectification.]
Andy: Man Sets General Mills' Lawn on Fire in Anti-Gay Cheerio Protest
Tiseme: Get Tested or Get Out: School Forces Pregnancy Tests on Girls, Kicks out Students Who Refuse or Are Pregnant
noir180: For Whites Who Consider Being Allies But Find It Much Too Tuff
Sean: Higgs Papers Out
Atrios: Deep Thought
Leave your links and recommendations in comments...
Shit Chick-Fil-A Supporters Say
Shaker Taylor sent along this video he co-wrote, and it made me laugh for about ten biebillion hours. Per a note at YouTube, please note no money was actually spent at Chick-Fil-A in the making of this video.
[Full transcript below.]
Breaking Bad Open Thread
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK!!!
Last night's episode will be discussed in spoileriffic detail, so if you don't want any spoilers, please put on your porkpie hat and take a dip in the pool.
Top Five
Here is your topic: Top Five Jobs You'd Love to Try. Go!
Please feel welcome to share stories about why your Top Five picks are what they are, though a straight-up list is fine, too. Please refrain from negatively auditing other people's lists, because judgment discourages participation.
Ted Cruz: Intellectual Intellectual
[Content note: Islamophobia, homophobia]
You may have heard that Ted Cruz (who is horrible) recently won the GOP primary to replace Kay Bailey Hutchison of Texas in the Senate. You may also have heard of David Brooks (who is also horrible). Here are some things Cruz has said, juxtaposed with some things Brooks said last Friday on NPR.
Cruz: "Agenda 21 attempts to abolish 'unsustainable' environments, including golf courses, grazing pastures, and paved roads. It hopes to leave mother earth’s surface unscratched by mankind."
Brooks: "He will do and I think what a lot of these [recently elected Tea Party Congresspeople] will do, will put a very deep and pretty intellectually substantive and very Madisonian approach."
Cruz: "Sharia law is an enormous problem [in the United States]."
Brooks: "[These Tea Party Congresspeople] are going to be a very intellectually serious force with deep and firmly held sort of intellectual roots for a long time."
Cruz: "When the mayor of a city chooses twice to march in a parade celebrating gay pride, that's a statement. It's not a statement I believe in".
Brooks: "He's sort of a product of sort of the conservative, if you want to put it, Madisonian tradition, which is very, very small government, but a pretty deep intellectual tradition."
It's like James Madison said: "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Horatio."
I shit you not, were I not a regular Brooks watcher, I probably would have, in a state of shock and horror, driven my rusty 2002 Saturn into the Jell-O section of the local supermarket. Intellectual? For realz? That's when I decided to write this blog post.
A funny thing happened on my way to the Internet. I started doing some research (on the Internet, but that was a damn good line SO HUSH) on Ted Cruz. It turns out that pretty much everybody (by which I mean most conservative blowhards*) was proclaiming the, um, intellectualosity of Cruz's intellect.
Robert P. George, Cruz’s college advisor [AT PRINCETON] told the New York Times that the presumptative US Senator and budding conspiracy theorist was “intellectually and morally serious.” I grabbed this quote out of a NYT piece titled "A Republican Voice With Tea Party Mantle and Intellectual Heft."
I know you're wondering what Alan Dershowitz thinks. According to this National Review cover story, he recalls that “Cruz was off-the-charts brilliant.” Now you know.
I could go on, but nobody (and I mean nobody) wants to see me quote George Will.
In case you have a short attention span:
Cruz: "Sharia law is an enormous problem [in the United States]."I don't really care if Cruz is "an intellectual" or not. He's a small-minded bigot. Of course, he could be a disingeous asshole who's only pretending to be a bigot in order to get elected and enact a disasterous agenda. That's certainly, um, impressive.
--
*It's still not Adam and Horatio.
Quote of the Day
"Hardware stuff."—Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, when asked by reporters what he bought at a hardware store during a campaign stop in New Hampshire.
Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney carries his purchases in a bucket as he leaves Bradley's Hardware in Wolfeboro, New Hampshire, Monday, Aug. 6, 2012. [AP Photo]Yikes.
[Via Amanda.]
Boy Scouts Abetted Child Abuse
[Content Note: Sexual violence; rape culture.]
See if this doesn't remind you of some other rapist-abetting organization you know:
Internal documents from the Boy Scouts of America reveal more than 125 cases in which men suspected of molestation allegedly continued to abuse Scouts, despite a blacklist meant to protect boys from sexual predators.Which naturally means continuing to reject gays and atheists. Ahem.
A Los Angeles Times review of more than 1,200 files from 1970 to 1991 found suspected abusers regularly remained in the organization after officials were first presented with sexual misconduct allegations.
Predators moved from troop to troop because of clerical errors, computer glitches or the Scouts' failure to check the blacklist, known as the "perversion files," the newspaper said.
In at least 50 cases, the Scouts expelled suspected abusers, only to discover they had re-entered the organization and were accused of molesting again.
In other cases, officials failed to document reports of abuse in the first place, letting offenders stay in the program until new allegations came to light, the Times reported.
One scoutmaster was expelled in 1970 for sexually assaulting a 14-year-old boy in Indiana. After being convicted of the crime, he went on to join two troops in Illinois between 1971 and 1988. He later admitted to molesting more than 100 boys, was convicted of the sexual assault of a Scout in 1989 and was sentenced to 100 years in prison, according to his file and court records.
In 1991, a Scout leader convicted of abusing a boy in Minnesota returned to his old troop shortly after getting out of jail.
In response to the Times' findings, the Scouts issued a statement that said in part:
"The Boy Scouts of America believes even a single instance of abuse is unacceptable, and we regret there have been times when the BSA's best efforts to protect children were insufficient. For that we are very sorry and extend our deepest sympathies to victims ... We are committed to the ongoing enhancement of our program, in line with evolving best practices for protecting youth."
The Boy Scouts of America is another organization that relies on the dangerous, foolish, self-aggrandizing, and rape culture upholding axiom that men who self-identify as straight Christians are Good People: The thing about sexual predators is that they're very good at insinuating themselves into environments with lots of potential victims by whom they will be trusted. For pedophiles, the nature of most mainstream American Christianity, of which the Boy Scouts of America is an outgrowth, with all its logically flawed but intractably calculated "Christian axiomatically = good" equations, creates a practical heaven on earth for them—a space in which they can move freely, grooming their unwitting targets right in front of their parents' noses, more trusted and less scrutinized than they would be in any other part of society.
They know that "I'm a Christian" is the secret passcode to unlimited trust around children.
As long as the Boy Scouts continue to privilege people on the basis of their religious identity instead of their actual character, children will not be safe in their care. That is the way it always goes.
Photos of the Day
The nerdz at NASA party hearty after the rover Curiosity makes its historic landing on Mars and begins beaming back photos from the planet's surface:
Congratulations!!! That is some truly, epically exciting stuff!
Oak Creek Shooting Updates
[Content Note: Eliminationist violence; racism.]
My original post is here. The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel has an excellent comprehensive report here. Additional recommended reading: Pam on how disturbingly good at this we're getting.
There is not a lot of news to share this morning. The police still have not released the name of the shooter, which I imagine (and hope) is because they are still trying to confirm his identity and contact his family, and not because they are inclined to protect a terrorist. The shooter has been identified as Wade Michael Page, a white supremacist who, according to the SPLC, had a "long involvement in the white-power music scene."
And the shooter is being considered a terrorist by the FBI. Although no "concrete link to a domestic terrorism group or hate group had been established" as of last night, there have been reports that the shooter has tattoos indicating he is a white supremacist. He also reportedly has a tattoo related to 9/11.
The shooter is described as a white male in his 40s who lives alone. He was also reportedly an Army veteran.
If indeed the shooter was an Army veteran and a white supremacist, the possibility of an incident exactly like this one has been a known concern for at least six years. Of course, when we as a nation are reluctant even to entertain the suggestion of reexamining our gun laws after a series of mass shootings, there's no way in hell we're ever going to have a meaningful referendum on how the US military's lax recruitment guidelines and culture of Christian Supremacy might be a goddamn problem.
The Sikh community wants and deserves to know how something like this could have happened. They deserve something better than another "lone crazy gunman" dismissal. We all deserve better than that. We are all part of the same nation, which is a nation clearly in serious crisis.
The son of the president of the temple, who died, was just interviewed on the Today Show, and, in response to a question from Matt Lauer, he said, which I'm paraphrasing from memory, "We are not Muslim, but I don't want even want to say that, because it is culturally insensitive. ... This is a melting pot, and we should all know more about one another, because we live together."
His grace and decency, and his urging people to expect more of each other and themselves, in response to this ignorant, violent ugliness, was truly extraordinary.
I'll update this post during the day if and when new information becomes available.
UPDATE 1: The suspect has been identified as Wade Michael Page. CBS reports: "According to sources in the U.S. Army, Page enlisted in April 1992 and given a less-than-honorable discharge in October 1998. He served at Fort Bliss, Texas, in the psychological operations unit in 1994, and was last stationed at Fort Bragg, North Carolina, attached to the psychological operations unit. The details of his discharge were not immediately clear." He served in the US Army for approximately six years.
So, Page left the service even before guidelines around white supremacy were eased and white power groups were encouraging members to enlist. This might be a good time for Congress to start taking that issue seriously, because he's going to become a martyr and a hero to men like him, which is a recipe for another Timothy McVeigh.
UPDATE 2: Police are seeking a "person of interest" in connection with the shooting, who may or may not be involved. The Journal Sentinel has an image of the person, a white man with a 9/11 tattoo, who used his cell phone to take "video of media, friends and relatives gathered by police in a parking lot near the Sikh temple in Oak Creek."
Bonus Weekend Cute
Sleepy dog is sleepy.
(Is it just me, or does her sleep-inducing drippy lip make it look like she was drawn by Matt Groening for this picture?)
Mass Shooting Reported at Sikh Temple in Oak Creek, Wisconsin
[Content Note: Eliminationist violence; racism.]
My friend Miller is in Oak Creek, Wisconsin this weekend, and heard a bunch of sirens awhile ago: A few blocks away, there has reportedly been a mass shooting at a Sikh temple.
Originally, this item was the only news I could find about it, and was reporting that 8 to 20 people had been shot. That number has since been revised to as many as 30 people, possibly including a police officer.
News is very sketchy at the moment, and I am desperately hoping it's not as bad as feared. There are no reports yet on fatalities, nor whether the shooter has been found.
According to this preliminary ABC News report, "a witness to the shooting told law enforcement the shooter was a white male, bald, with a heavy build."
Miller reports there may be a hostage situation, but she says they're getting lots of mixed reports in the area, too.
I am really sad, and I am really angry.
I'll update as soon as more information becomes available.
UPDATE 1: CNN reports "multiple bodies in the parking lot" visible from an aerial view. Again, I want to stress that there are no news of fatalities, so it may just be people who have been uncritically injured or are in shock. I'm hoping that is the case, and fearing that it is not.
UPDATE 2: CNN: "Two men have been admitted to Froedtert hospital, a hospital spokeswoman said. One is in critical condition in the surgical intensive care unit; the other has been sent to an operating room."
UPDATE 3: JSOnline confirms at least four people have been shot, including the president of the temple, Satwant Kaleka, who was taken to a hospital.
UPDATE 4: One of the witnesses being interviewed by WISN says the gunman tried to blow up the temple's kitchen. We Energies has shut off gas service to the building. There are still people inside the temple, including at least a dozen children. It is unclear whether they are being held hostage, or simply hiding because they aren't sure whether the gunman is still in the building.
UPDATE 5: WISN's live coverage can be viewed here.
UPDATE 6: There are several reports now that there may have been multiple shooters. Hostages are still being held inside the temple, by at least one shooter.
UPDATE 7: A temple member being interviewed by WISN says there were as many as four shooters carrying out a coordinated attack. Fire crew is on-scene as a fire is reported in the temple kitchen.
UPDATE 8: WISN: A police officer was shot multiple times, but is expected to survive. The shooter is "down," according to police, but it has not been confirmed whether that means the shooter is dead or just immobilized.
UPDATE 9: Froedtert Hospital has admitted at least three seriously injured shooting victims.
UPDATE 10: This temple has been victimized by crime previously, including recently. The temple president's son is talking about, with unbelievable amounts of poise and measure, how many Sikhs were targeted after 9/11, because they wear turbans and are thought to resemble people from Afghanistan. Sikhs were attacked in my community after 9/11, their businesses vandalized and, in one case, fire-bombed. Already, bigoted assholes on Twitter are conflating Sikhs and Muslims all over the place (as if Muslims deserve to be victimized by hate crimes, which is a whole other fucking terrible garbage nightmare). So fucking gross.
Meanwhile, Angus Johnston tweeted that on Fox News, an anchor just asked a local alderman: "To your knowledge there's been no unrest, ethnic or otherwise, that would relate to this Sikh temple?" Let the conservative victim-blaming begin.
UPDATE 11: The police briefing confirms that seven people are dead, including the gunman, now believed by police to have acted alone. Three people were killed inside the temple, and three people were killed outside the temple, plus the shooter. The spokesperson stresses this information may change, but that is the best information available right now. Sob.
UPDATE 12: NBC anchor Brian Williams: "The police in Oak Creek are treating this as an incident of domestic terrorism." As well they should.
UPDATE 13: Mitt Romney calls the shooting a "senseless act of violence," which, as I've previously noted, elides the fact that, in a frame of racist eliminationism, a crime like this absolutely "makes sense."
Unequivocally, the sensibilities by which such a crime not only "makes sense" but is considered eminently reasonable, or even heroic, is racist, violent, eliminationist, and vile. But we can't pretend that particular brand of sense-making doesn't exist.
The only people helped by calling this terrorism "senseless" are the ones who have a vested interest in pretending that crimes of the sort that this one is presumed to be have nothing to do with white privilege and Christian supremacy.
Yeesh
Olympic coverage on MSNBC right now: An interview with two sisters on the US water polo team, who are being asked, "Who's messier?" and "Who are your celebrity crushes?"
In Things That Would Never Be Asked of Adult Men.
This is now the second time I've seen this interview aired, so NBC is really proud of it!
Open Thread
Hosted by Dawn Davenport. Who's eating a meatball sandwich right out in class. AND, she's passing notes.
This week's open threads have been brought to you by characters played by Divine.
The Virtual Pub Is Open
[Explanations: lol your fat. pathetic anger bread. hey your gay.]
TFIF, Shakers!
Belly up to the bar,
and name your poison!
And don't forget to tip your bartender!
