Shakesville

The Overton Window: Chapter Twenty-Eight

A small fragment of his awareness saw everything clearly from a mute corner of his mind, but that part had given up trying to rouse the rest of him. Noah still lay where Molly had left him, not exactly asleep but a long way from consciousness.

Ah, yes, Noah. I was wondering what happened to him. He's been lying there, with a small fragment of his awareness seeing everything clearly from a mute corner of his mind. Whatever that means. He's kind of groggy?

Noah dreams he's drowning. And then hears the door kicked in. "People ran past, guns drawn and shouting."

There was a boom, a clattering much louder than the earlier sounds, then a grip on his shoulders, someone shaking him. He struggled against the pressure and somehow forced his eyes open.

A woman leans over Noah, a doctor, it seems. She sticks him with a needle, shines a light in his eyes, and generally gives him the Dixie McCall routine.

The doctor snapped her fingers in front of his face. "Noah? Can you tell me what year it is?"

Noah only asks "Where am I?", which annoys me. I have no idea what year this was supposed to be, but we've just been cheated out of the answer. As an aside, if there is a doctor (or other healthcare professional) in the house, but do they really ask people if they know what year it is when they wake up? I know they do it in the movies and on TV, but I was wondering if it happened in real life.

"What happened? How long have I been out?"

"It's Monday, about noon," the woman said. She snapped off her gloves and returned her things to the medical kit, then stood and turned to one of the men. "I'll take him now. Three of you come with me and the rest should finish up here, then be sure to call in."

Damn. Noah has been out all weekend? I guess that's a convenient way to move forward the timeline. Got him out of the way so we could enjoy The Kearns & Bailey Show.

Noah is helped to his feet and asks where they're going. "Your father wants to see you," is the ominous reply.

Well, it is supposed to be ominous, I guess, since we've heard how evil Darthur is. Not there we really have any sense of that. But it's a thrilling way to end a chapter, right? No? Maybe? Just a little? I dunno. Frankly, I am so past caring at this point.

So, yeah, if I may recap this chapter: Noah wakes up.

How many pages of this garbage are left?

Photo of the Day

Heidi Klum in black and white dot dress by Mondo Guerra.

Heidi Klum arrives at the 'Black Swan' closing night gala during AFI FEST 2010 presented by Audi held at Grauman's Chinese Theatre on November 11, 2010 in Hollywood, California. [Getty Images]

Heidi is wearing the signature black-and-white dot dress from the collection of Project Runway runner-up (and Shakesville favorite) Mondo Guerra.

Open Thread

Hosted by Brave Combo.

Where Everybody Knows Your Name (Is Liss and Deeky)

So, you may have heard, Liss and I recorded a little podcast earlier this week. First off, we wanted to thank everyone who downloaded it so far.

Secondly, we thought this would be a good time to remind everyone that it is out there for anyone who may have missed it. It's an easy and fun way to kill thirty minutes. And maybe you could use a laugh.

As Liss said, "what we really wanted to create, and I think we've achieved, is a show that feels like hanging out, like you've just pulled a chair up to our table in the middle of a rollicking conversation."

Anyway, click here to get your copy. It's only 99 cents.

Oh, and we're still looking for a name, so listen in and see how can help us with that. Thanks!

Open Thread

Hosted by yams.

This week's open threads have been brought to you by autumn vegetables.
(And fruits, and tubers...)

November 20

[Trigger Warning: transphobia, violence, including sexual violence]

November 20th is the Transgender Day of Remembrance, a day to acknowledge, publicize, and mourn the lives lost to transphobic violence in the past year.

I'm simply too tired to go into all the gory details. I'm afraid I didn't get to the local ceremony. Perhaps the local university never found someone to step up and organize an event. My bad.

At its base, I think the day of remembrance is about safety. As far as I'm concerned, one of the most basic human rights is having the ability to move about one's neighborhood without fearing the probability of violence.

At the moment, I don't feel that I have that freedom. I'm certainly not alone in this-- many of us who are able to get around cannot be certain we'll be able to do so safely. Many of us fortunate enough to have homes do not feel safe therein.

Transphobia is a major contributor to the violence many of us face (to say nothing of homelessness).

The day of remembrance is a time to bring transphobia front-and-center in discussions of violence. It was conceived of, and still is, a radical act-- the public commemoration of our dead in a world that trivializes our existence.

Everyone on this planet who cares to live in a safe world should care passionately about transphobic violence. If we send the message that 'you're trans?... and you're dead.' is anything short of a crime against humanity, we have failed.

'...and you're dead'

That's an attitude I feel surrounded by. I can think of few things more suffocating than living in a society where far too many people appear to take others' lives with reckless frivolity. Life has value.

Far too often, our culture mocks the humanity of trans and gender non-conforming people. This is the problem. When those among us have established that some people are less than, the precedent has been set: people can be disposable commodities.

It's not merely compassion and humanity that should drive our many allies in the fight against transphobia-- it's self-preservation.

'...and you're dead'

That's a possibility for many of us-- the poor, people of color, LGBTQ people, women, the disabled, the young, the people who are in the wrong place and the wrong time, and of course those of us who fit into more than one of those (or other) categories for any number of reasons. We cannot continue like this.

We need to establish, once and for all, that human life has worth. On this day, let us start by celebrating the courage, strength, and humanity of my trans siblings, while mourning the lives lost in pursuit of our simplest of goals.

As the months move on, we must all continue to address the violence of homicide, but also other interlocking forms of violence: sexual violence, discrimination, poverty. However, on this day, let us mourn the loss of our trans siblings, our friends, our family. We must fight on-- our family cannot endure our pain forever.
Crossposted

Transgender Day of Remembrance

And brothers.

Today marks the 12th Annual Transgender Day of Remembrance, which is set aside to memorialize those killed as a result of anti-transgender hatred or prejudice resulting from fear and ignorance. The event is held in November to honor Rita Hester, whose murder on November 28th, 1998 spawned the "Remembering Our Dead" online project and candlelight vigil.

This year, we remember: Brenda of Rome, Italy, Wanchai Tongwijit of Phuket City, Thailand, Mariah Malina Qualls of San Francisco, California, Estrella (Jose Angel) Venegas of Mexicali, Mexico, Wong of Bernama, Malaysia, Myra Chanel Ical and Gypsy of Houston, Texas, Derya Y. of Antalya, Turkey, Fevzi Yener of Şehremin, Istanbul, Dino Curi Huansi of Parma, Italy, Amanda Gonzalez-Andujar of Queens, New York, Toni Alston of Charlotte, North Carolina, Ashley Santiago Ocasio of Corozal, Puerto Rico, Azra of Izmir, Turkey, Chanel (Dana A. Larkin) of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Angie González Oquendo of Caguas, Puerto Rico, Sandy Woulard of Chicago, Illinois, Imperia Gamaniel Parson of San Pedro Sula, Honduras, Victoria Carmen White of Maplewood, New Jersey, Justo Luis González García of Juana Diaz, Puerto Rico, Irem of Bursa, Turkey, Stacey Lee of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Emanuelly Colaço Taborda of Parana, Brazil, an unidentified trans woman in Jakarta, Indonesia, an unidentified trans woman in Chihuahua, Mexico, an unidentified trans woman in San Cristobal, Dominican Republic, an unidentified victim in Juana Diaz, Puerto Rico, two unidentified victims in Sheikhupura, Pakistan, and all the other trans women and men around the world who lost their lives to transphobia this year, whose faces we never saw and names we never heard, because they were living on the margins of societies who did not respect nor want them.

Julia Serano, a trans activist and author of the oft-mentioned Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegoating of Femininity, has noted that transphobia kills not just by violent action, but apathetic inaction.

Trans people are often targeted for violence because their gender presentation, appearance and/or anatomy falls outside the norms of what is considered acceptable for a woman or man. A large percentage of trans people who are killed are prostitutes, and their murders often go unreported or underreported due to the public presumption that those engaged in sex work are not deserving of attention or somehow had it coming to them.

Some trans people are killed as the result of being denied medical services specifically because of their trans status, for example, Tyra Hunter, a transsexual woman who died in 1995 after being in a car accident. EMTs who arrived on the scene stopped providing her with medical care—and instead laughed and made slurs at her—upon discovering that she had male genitals.

Lacking federal employment protections, transgender men and women are at higher risk for lack of insurance, adding to the difficulty of securing routine medical care from welcoming practitioners. Transmen, for example, frequently have trouble locating accommodating gynecological services for annual pap smears, risking undiagnosed cervical cancer. The great 2001 documentary Southern Comfort spans the last year in the life of Robert Eads, who died of ovarian cancer after two dozen doctors refused him treatment.

That's the kind of hate crime that doesn't make headlines. Or even federal hate crimes statistics.

We remember all the victims of violence and apathy today.

The rest of the year, we must always be fierce advocates and allies together, so that we may never add a new name on a victims list ever again.

[Photo via LA IndyMedia's coverage of 2006's Day of Remembrance.]

Open Thread

Hosted by zucchini.

The Virtual Pub Is Open

[Explanations: lol your fat. pathetic anger bread. hey your gay.]

Pull up a chair and raise your glass.

To Maud.

Today's Edition of "Conniving and Sinister"

See Deeky's archive of all previous Conniving & Sinister strips here.
[In which Liss reimagines the long-running comic "Frank & Ernest," about two old straight white guys "telling it like it is," as a fat feminist white woman (Liss) and a biracial queerbait (Deeky) telling it like it actually is from their perspectives. Hilarity ensues.]

This is so the worst thing you're going to read all day.

by Shaker scatx, a liberal, a feminist, a wife, a mother, a professional historian, and an optimist.

I nominate as So the Worst Thing You're Going to Read All Day this gem from the Today Show/MSNBC website (an article written by the Associated Press): British Brides Live in Fear of Royal Wedding Date. The title alone should be enough to make you gag a bit.

It is, as you may have guessed, about all the British brides who are getting married this coming spring and summer in London and cannot possibly imagine sharing their wedding date with Kate Middleton and Prince William (did you hear that they were getting married??? It's going to be magical!).

Important things to take away from the article:

1) Only BRIDES would care about this major, major problem. ("Britain is captivated by speculation over where and when their prince will wed — few are keeping their eyes peeled as much as British brides-to-be." Their only rivals? I'm gonna go with reporters.)

2) Only brides care because for them, it's the biggest day of their lives. (Old tropes make me yawn and yet they won't go away: "Planning the biggest day of your life is stressful enough.") Of course, for many women, their wedding day is the biggest day of their lives by virtue of its being the one day they are not marginalized by virtue of their womanhood, but instead centered because of it.

3) And I quote: "Fear and horror are spreading through British bridal circles — and a whole new batch of young women are ready to pitch a royal hissy fit." I'm glad that the author didn't succumb to using excessive, outsized hyperbole when making a misogynistic statement about brides and their "hissy fits." Because if there is anything in today's world that unleashes fear and horror, it's ~~Bristol Palin winning DWTS~~ sharing your wedding day with Kate and William.

4) If the royal couple marries the same day as you, people won't pay enough attention to you. Inevitably, you won't be the princess that day; Kate will (both metaphorically and literally, in this case).

"If their wedding was on my wedding day, I don't know what I would do!" said Anna Whitcomb, 28, trying on wedding dresses at a London department store. "I know all my family members and guests would want to watch the celebration and would be distracted."

"I'm supposed to be the princess, and now I have a real princess to compete with," she added.

5) Logistically, it may be a nightmare for flower delivery. (I'll admit, the only logical part of this entire article came when one bride expressed concern over travel into and out of the city.)

6) Don't forget about how much worse it will be for the elite, wealthy British brides who have the bad luck of matching up with the royal nuptials! Because it may not seem real unless I quote it, here is what this article actually says: "Brides with expensive tastes and elite social connections have further worries. Will their orders for hand-engraved invitations from royal stationers Smythson be delayed? Can they still get that 1,950 pound ($3,116)-wedding cake from the queen's grocery supplier Fortnum & Mason? Will the guest lists overlap?"

7) Finally, this is a major concern for the "less confident" bride. If you are worried that your guests will be upset about missing out on the royal wedding, feel free to record it for them and show it later. Unless you simply don't have the confidence to do so because you could not fancy having your dress or nuptials "compared to a much more glamorous, wealthy bride like Middleton." Note the assumption that no matter what, you will feel and look MUCH less glamorous than Middleton. Gee, why would any brides-to-be have confidence issues?

For the record, I am not saying that I have a problem with someone wanting their wedding day to be a big deal (I certainly did when I had mine). And I understand that planning for it can take many months. People in your life who you care deeply about may pay lots of money, take time off work, and travel long distances to be there for you on the day you get married. You may be holding out for a specific venue or a specific date or whatnot. Whatever. To each their own.

This article about weddings is disgusting, though, because it presupposes so many things not simply about brides but also about women. It, once again, paints a single narrative about weddings (but NOT marriages) that show women in a terrible light. It portrays them as shallow, anxious, materialistic, and prone to "royal hissy fits" when they don't get their way or think that their spotlight is being unfairly taken away (which they really only think because the media is telling them so - a vicious circle, really).

And the author of the article KNOWS this and wants to deflect blame away from themselves by pointing out that everyone already thinks these things about brides. Right near the end of the article, the author tells us, without a hint of irony, the following thing about brides these days (by which they mean heterosexual, western, monied, feminine, brides):

Brides-to-be have acquired a reputation as being unreasonable, intolerable perfectionists — so-called "Bridezillas" — partly thanks to such movies as "Bride Wars," in which two best friends try to outdo each other with vicious dirty tricks after both booked the same venue on the same day.

HAHAHAHHA! Or I mean, AAAAHHHH! As if reputations just appear or just happen to be acquired in the public arena. As if they don't function like stereotypes, created out of pieced-together anecdotes that function mainly to feed the dominant narrative, to make the idea that already exists appear natural and normal. As if the reputations of "Brides-to-be" are a result of the actions or behaviors of real-life bride-to-bes. Or as if real-life brides-to-be don't act the way that they have been instructed to act by their society (in order to show just how much these weddings mean to them so that everyone gets that they are both a good woman and a good soon-to-be wife), via things like the Today Show, AP articles, or TV shows and movies.

As if articles like this one are written in a vacuum that only allows in the truth and filters the bullshit. As if the author of this article only reflects back what they see instead of intentionally creating an article that they think will appeal to readers and play on their insecurities (are you a good enough bride/woman/wife? are you upset enough at the idea that the royals will get married on your day? have you double-checked with your cake maker about delivery times and possible conflicts? are you intense enough to show your dedication but cool enough not to be a Bridezilla?).

As if Bride Wars (BRIDE WARS, folks - re: Melissa) or "Bridezillas" are 1) real or 2) were not created and hoisted upon us by the same patriarchal, misogynist d-bags who red-light articles like this.

Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go read about how Kate and William having been living together for months. It's a downright scandal!

Daily Dose o' Cute

Matilda on the couch.

"Do you know who I am?"

Olivia in the sunshine.

Olivia in the sunshine.

Livs in the sunshine.

Sophie birdwatching from atop my monitor.

Sophie birdwatching from atop my monitor.

Sophs watches the birds out the office window from her perch atop my monitor.

Dudley looks at me with his ears standing up.

Dudley looks at me with his ears standing up.

"You need cuddles, Mama?"

Zhellday* Blogaround

This blogaround brought to you by Sienar Fleet Systems, manufacturers of the Twin Ion Engine line of starfighters, for all your starfighting needs.

Recommended Reading:

Star Wars Blog: Young Girl Bullied For Liking Star Wars

AFOTD: Zuckuss

The Spotlight Report: More Star Wars movies???

Eddie Izzard: Death Star Canteen

Geekosity: Boba Fett's Invoice

Leave your links in comments...

* See here.

Photo of the Day

Super Mamika lifts a car to rescue a tiny pooch beneath.

Image Description: A small elderly woman in a superhero costume "lifts" a car to rescue a tiny pooch beneath. More pictures here (whence the below explanation is also quoted):

A few years ago, French photographer Sacha Goldberger found his 91-year-old Hungarian grandmother Frederika feeling lonely and depressed. To cheer her up, he suggested that they shoot a series of outrageous photographs in unusual costumes, poses, and locations. Grandma reluctantly agreed, but once they got rolling, she couldn't stop smiling.

Frederika was born in Budapest 20 years before World War II. During the war, at the peril of her own life, she courageously saved the lives of ten people. When asked how, Goldberger told us "she hid the Jewish people she knew, moving them around to different places everyday." As a survivor of Nazism and Communism, she then immigrated away from Hungary to France, forced by the Communist regime to leave her homeland illegally or face death.

Aside from great strength, Frederika has an incredible sense of humor, one that defies time and misfortune.

[H/T to Shaker Jade.]

More TSA Fuckery

[Trigger warning for assault and general harm.]

What's the Real Radiation Risk of the TSA's Full Body X-Ray Scans? I'm not even going to excerpt this piece, because you really must read the whole thing. Note that the two gene mutations noted which may make people "less able to repair X-ray damage to their DNA" are "the BRCA-1 and BRCA-2 mutations associated with breast and ovarian cancer." Yes, "some people" may be more susceptible to harm from back-scatter X-rays. Ahem. [H/T to Iain.]

Cancer surviving flight attendant forced to remove prosthetic breast during pat-down: "[Cathy Bossi] says two female Charlotte T.S.A. agents took her to a private room and began what she calls an aggressive pat down. She says they stopped when they got around to feeling her right breast, the one where she'd had surgery. ...Cathy was asked to show her prosthetic breast, removing it from her bra. 'I did not take the name of the person at the time because it was just so horrific of an experience, I couldn't believe someone had done that to me. I'm a flight attendant. I was just trying to get to work.'" [H/T to Shakers technophobia and gypsyset.]

Man claims Charlotte TSA employee groped his 6-year-old son:

WBTV found the anonymous submission on a blog, "We Won't Fly." The man says the incident happened earlier this month and he describes how his little boy was traumatized saying the TSA agent groped his groin and that the little boy left the checkpoint in tears.

The commenter says his son was aggressively patted down by a TSA employee.

"He was pleading for me to help him and I was admonished for trying to comfort him," the comment on the blog states. "His genitals area was groped. He walked down to the plane in tears."

You know, my father is currently in remission from a type of skin cancer with a genetic link. If I go through a back-scatter X-ray, could it trigger that gene in me? Maybe. So my options are: Risk increasing my chances of cancer, or risk having my PTSD triggered in public and having a panic attack just as I'm about to get on a flight.

Yeah. I'm so not flying anywhere for the foreseeable future.

Quote of the Day

[Trigger warning for assault and xenophobia.]

"It is no accident that women have been complaining about being pulled out of line because of their big breasts, having their bodies commented on by TSA officials, and getting inappropriate touching when selected for pat-downs for nearly 10 years now, but just this week it went viral. It is no accident that CAIR identified Islamic head scarves (hijab) as an automatic trigger for extra screenings in January, but just this week it went viral. What was different? Suddenly an able-bodied white man is the one who was complaining."—Elusis, on why the TSA screening process is now at the forefront.

Meh Meh Meh + Heh Heh Heh = Barf

So last night, former president Mondo Fucko was on The Tonight Show. Two of my least favorite wildly privileged, belligerent, self-satisfied bullies on the planet, yukking it up together like the smug fuckheads they are—you know I had to watch that shit.

And the resulting spectacle managed even to cleanly limbo right beneath my rock bottom expectations. I mean, to say George W. Bush is a clueless jackass of epic proportions is to say water is wet, and to say that Jay Leno is an awkward, ham-fisted sycophant who couldn't make a conversation look effortless if the life of his best denim jumpsuit depended on it is to say snow is cold, but OMFG THIS WATER IS SO WET AND THIS SNOW IS SO COLD.

This was the garbage nightmare interview to end all garbage nightmare interviews, the inexplicable arrogance of its two roundly hated participants rivaled in breathtaking scope only by the unmitigated fuckery of the bullshit falling out of Bush's mouth.

If the objective of this media tour is to secure Bush's legacy among his dildobrained admirers as the Removed Elite Teetotaler You'd Most Want to Have a Beer With, and sell a few of his garbage books in the process, then thumbs-up, I guess.

If, however, the objective was to more deeply entrench Bush's reputation as a flippant dingaling with a nasty mean streak who's never lost a moment's sleep over the international, domestic, political, social, and economic clusterfucktastrophes for which his administration is responsible, and to make sure the words "Leno" and "credibility" never end up again in the same sentence, then Mondo Fucko and Mondo Dorko can grab their codpieces and go stand in front of a Mission Accomplished banner on an aircraft carrier, bitchez, 'cuz that shit is solid.

All jokes aside, when I write about how the Republicans are able to trade on "the gossamer promise of a return to a time that never happened in a country that never really existed," because this country reimagines its own history to make it something less horrible than it was, this it how it happens. This interview, in all seriousness, this little slice of pop culture fluff, is how begins the erasure of the authentic legacy of the Bush years, how we collectively start to willfully forget the history we are thus doomed to repeat.

Full transcripts (with some inserted commentary, ahem) for all three segments are below the fold (on most browsers). Yes, I've spent the entire morning staring at and listening to video of George W. Bush and Jay Leno. Donation button to the right.

Segment One

Leno: Please welcome the thirty-third—the forty-third president, George W. Bush.

["Hail to the Chief" plays as Bush walks out. They shake hands and sort of half-hug; Bush kisses Leno on the cheek. Bush sits down grins in his usual glib way, and the crowd goes wild.]

Leno: Now, the, uh—

[The crowd continues to cheer over Leno trying to start the ~~interview~~ knob-buffing; Bush motions for them to settle down.]

Bush: They're getting a little carried away.

Leno: See that? The last time you were here, it was 2000. It was ten years ago!

Bush: That's right, yeah.

Leno: And the last ten years—thank you for all the material.

Bush: [throws back his head and laughs] That's why I haven't been back in ten years!

Leno: That's why people don't usually come back! [Bush laughs] Does any of that bother you, when you see the jokes, or the skits…?

Bush: You know, I hate to tell ya, um, I don't wanna hurt your feelings, but…I was asleep.

[audience laughter and applause]

Leno: Oh, really, well. At least I didn't put to you sleep!

Bush: Yeah, that's right! Heh heh heh.

Leno: Now, something I admire you greatly for—you have not commented on any of our current president's problems, or anything, and, uh, tell us why.

Bush: Because I don't think it's good for the country to have a former president criticizing his successor. [Said with this attitude like he's the first president to be so honorable, despite the fact that has always been US tradition, and despite the fact his former veep, Dick Cheney, has been on a Grumbling Tour of Inappropriate Criticism for the last two years.]

[audience cheers and applause; Leno applauds]

Leno: But, if I could get you to comment on one thing… President Obama was in India recently, and here he is dancing. Take a look. [Bush chuckles as it cuts to video of Obama dancing in India, then cuts back to the interview] Now—

Bush: Yeah.

Leno: —you danced as president. [pause; Bush laughs] If we could just take a look a look at that for a minute. [Cut to video of Bush dancing and beating on a drum like a goddamn fool on Malaria Awareness Day, 2007, still photos of which are here. The audience goes wild; Bush laughs uproariously.] Now, as modest as you can be—

Bush: Yes, thank you.

Leno: —in your unbiased opinion, who do you think is the better dancer?

Bush: President Obama, yeah. Heh heh heh heh heh heh. [Leno laughs] I did that, and my girl called me—one of my girls called me and she said, "No wonder you're not dancing on the stars." [Nice joke, Botchy Hackerton. The audience nonetheless laughs. As does Leno.]

Leno: Now, when that—when a situation like that happens, obviously you're having fun, but do you say to yourself, "I'm going to do this anyway, even though it's going to be on every TV show"?

Bush: This was a Malaria awareness, uh, event, and I created awareness for malaria. Heh heh heh.

[Audience laughs; Leno laughs]

Leno: Now, let me ask you about this other piece of videotape. And this is one of my all-time favorites, and I must say, you did this with such, such dignity. Take a look. [Cut to footage of Bush in China, trying to get out of a door that's locked, a still image of which is here. The audience laughs; Bush laughs.]

Bush: [still laughing] That was in China. That's the definition of a man without an exit strategy! Heh heh heh heh heh heh.

[OMFG!!! Shades of Bush cracking wise about looking for WMDs at the Correspondents' Dinner in '04. Naturally Leno and the audience think this is HIGHLARIOUS!]

Leno. Now, your book is called Decision Points. I read the whole book—boy, it's an easy read, and I must say, I really—I mean, I knew a lot of the other things—I especially liked the early part of your life—

Bush: Thanks.

Leno: —just as I did Laura, just learning about growing up and learning a lot about your background. What was your first decision? You have fourteen of 'em here [thumps book]—what was your first big one?

Bush: Well, the first decision to run for president [zuh?], but the first decision, uh, in the book [huh?] was…quitting drinking. And the opening sentence is: "Can you tell me a day in which you have not had a drink?" And that was my good wife, saying, "Just tell me one day," and, if you drink too much, like I was, the answer was, "Of course I can't!" And then I couldn't remember a day.

Leno: Yeah, yeah, no, I mean, I thought that was incredibly honest and candid. Now, did you think, "Okay, I'll go to AA, I'll—maybe I'll get treatment"? No, you just did—quit cold turkey?

Bush: Well, it was a combination of faith and, uh, family, and—but, yeah, I haven't had a drink since August of 1986. [applause]

Leno: Okay, so you quit when you were 40, okay.

Bush: Yeah.

Leno: Okay.

Segment Two

Leno: [holding up book] Now, what do you say your proudest accomplishment is in here?

Bush: Uh, protecting the homeland from an attack. [LITERALLY SAID WITHOUT A TRACE OF FUCKING IRONY OR SELF-AWARENESS. OMFG.]

[audience cheers and applause; Leno applauds; Bush and Leno nod sagely at each other]

Leno: Let's talk about that. About 9/11. [Note: Leno isn't cleverly playing a game of gotcha here, since 9/11 HAPPENED ON BUSH'S FUCKING WATCH. He literally is acting like 9/11 is somehow EVIDENCE OF BUSH'S PROTECTING US FROM AN ATTACK. The cognitive dissonance is unbelievable.] When did you first realize the magnitude of this…?

Bush: Well, I was in a classroom in Florida, and Andy Card, my chief of staff, said, "A second plane has hit the—a second tower. America is under attack," and then, shortly thereafter, I was—I started seeing images of the, of the building being, uh, you know, starting to crumble, and, um, on TV, when I left the classroom, and then I was in the limousine, hurtling down the Florida highway—Condi called and said that a plane has hit the Pentagon. And, um, I realized we were a nation at war. [nods gravely]

Leno: Now, you took some grief for that seven-minute period.

Bush: Yeah. [shrugs]

Leno: But you talk about that in the book. Tell us what you wrote—

Bush: Well, my thinking was, first I got the news, uh, I was angry. Then I looked at the childs—it was—the children who were sitting in front of me, and I realized my most important job was to protect them, and their families, and their country, and then I saw the press getting phone calls in the back, getting the same information I had just gotten; I'd been in enough crises as the governor of Texas—I knew, if you're the head of an organization, you should not create any sense of panic. In other words, if you're ever in a crisis, and people are counting on you, you gotta project calm. And so I left the classroom at the appropriate moment; I decided not to be disruptive, and not to take action that would scare the kids.

Leno: Well, I thought— [audience applauds; Leno nods in agreement and applauds] Yeah. Um, you had one moment when you went to Ground Zero, which I thought was just, uh, one of the great historical moments. Take a look; let's show it just for a minute.

[Cut to video of Bush standing at Ground Zero standing on rubble with megaphone, saying: "I can hear you, the rest of the world hears you, and the people who knocked these buildings down will hear all of us soon." Cheers and applause as it cuts back to the interview.]

Leno: One of the, uh, one of the most touching things, I think, were all those workers just yelling, "Go get 'em, George!" They weren't even calling you Mr. President.

Bush: Yeah, I know. Well, they didn't know who I was. [Leno starts to laugh, then realizes Bush is being serious.] And, uh, they were really worried. Uh, they were worried the president wasn't going to bring justice—

Leno: Right.

Bush: —to the enemy that killed their friends. And, uh, and, uh, I, you know, I was determined to bring justice to those who attacked our country. And I worked that way for seven-and-a-half years.

[cheers and applause]

Leno: Why do you think we have not been able to, uh, to find Osama bin Laden? Why has this eluded us?

Bush: Yeah, you know—I—if, if, ifwe knew where he was, we would have him. [WE ARE DEFINITELY NOT KNOWING WHERE HE IS BUT LETTING HIM REMAIN FREE AS A BOOGEYMAN TO JUSTIFY OUTSIZED DEFENSE BUDGETS AND WAR PROFITEERING.]

Leno: Right, right.

Bush: He's hiding, and, and, in a very remote part of the world. I guess. [shrugs]

Leno: Yeah, yeah. So, what was your biggest disappointment?

Bush: Well, that—not bringing Osama to justice, of course, the weapons of mass destruction that everybody [NO NOT EVERYBODY, YOU LYING ASSHOLE] thought Saddam Hussein had—we never found 'em. Although I would remind people—and I do in this book—that he had the capacity to make weapons of mass destruction. [TOO BAD THAT WASN'T THE REASON WE WENT TO WAR.] And, uh, um, there was a lot of disappointments as president, and a lot of moments of, uh, joy. [GOD I HATE THIS FUCKER.]

Leno: Something you talk about—you mention in the book, and I've been watching you on all these shows, and no one—I'm surprised no one has brought it up, the fact that Saddam Hussein directly threatened your daughters.

Bush: That's right.

Leno: I mean, essentially, putting a hit out, I guess, if you will.

Leno: Yeah, the guy's a thug. [shrugs] And, uh, I believe the world is better off without him in power.

[cheers and applause; Leno applauds—he practically does a fucking slow-clap]

Leno: So, of these fourteen decisions, if you could change or redo any of them, are there any you would do differently, or change?

Bush: Well, the big decisions I'm comfortable, and, uh, with the decisions I made, I think the reader will find that I took a lot of time to make the decisions. There are some things I'd like to do over, I mean, obviously, but—

Leno: What would you do over?

Bush: [testy, but glib, at the same time] Well, I wouldn't be standing in front of a Mission Accomplished sign on an aircraft carrier. [audience laughs] I wouldn't fly over, uh, Katrina in an airplane [makes airplane motion with his hand] and have my picture released from, you know, 10,000 feet above the damage, conveying the sense I didn't care, when I cared deeply about our fellow citizens down there. Uh, probably would have [chuckles] been a little less blunt in some of my language.

Leno: Right, right. Okay.

Bush: Dead or alive, perhaps.

Leno: Dead or alive, okay. All right. Look, look, we'll take a break and find out a little bit more about life after the White House.

Segment Three

Leno: We're talking with president and author George W. Bush. So, life after the White House. Do you ever talk to President Obama, pick up the phone—?

Bush: [laughs] He actually called me to ask if I would join with President Clinton to work on the, uh, Haiti disaster.

Leno: So, are you and Clinton friends?

Bush: Yeah!

Leno: You guys hanging out?

Bush: We are, yeah. He spends so much time with my father, Mother calls him, uh, our step-brother. Heh heh heh.

Leno: Yeah, I did see that. I did see you guys hanging out a lot. [Photo of the two GBs and Clinton.]

Bush: Heh heh heh heh heh heh.

Leno: So, whaddaya think of this mid-term deal, the whole election, what's your take?

Bush: Uh, I think that I'm not gonna be a political pundit, but I appreciate the effort. Heh heh heh heh heh heh. [audience laughter]

Leno: Yeah. Have you met Sarah Palin?

Bush: I have.

Leno: Okay.

Bush: And I found her to be a, uh, a very kind and thoughtful person.

Leno: Right, right. You think she'll run?

Bush: [gives an exaggerated shrug and makes a funny face] Don't know! [Sarcastic, implying: "Of course she's going to run!"] My candidate is not going to run! My brother Jeb.

Leno: He's not? He's not going to run?

Bush: No. No.

Leno: No. No.

Bush: It's too bad; he's a good man.

Leno: Yeah, okay. Maybe somewhere down the road?

Bush: I hope so. Better to ask him, though.

Leno: Yeah, okay. Okay, all right, we'll do that. [OMFG THIS IS SO BORING.] We'll ask him.

Bush: [laughs] Yeah.

Leno: Now, Thanksgiving coming up. I want to ask you about Thanksgiving ways—do you remember this picture? This is one of my favorites. [Shows picture of Bush looking like a dingus while a turkey pokes at his groin area.]

Bush: Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh!

Leno: That's uh—What was happening there?

Bush: Well, we were getting ready to pardon the old turkey!

Leno: Yeah. Well, I'm not sure I'd pardon him after that.

Bush: Exactly! Heh heh heh heh heh heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh!

Leno: Now, you talk about an incident with Barney. Tell that story.

Bush: Well, what happened was, I'm getting briefed by, uh, I think the FBI at the time, and I hear this HUGE kerfuffle out in the Rose Garden [Leno laughs], and Barney, uh, the Scottish terrier, is after the turkey. [audience laughs] And, uh, we had to send a lot of people out to save the turkey. I was able to pardon him, but Barney—

[picture of turkey being rescued from dog by men in suits and Bush looking the fool, as usual]

Leno: Yeah, there you go—I love the look on your face, jus look, yeah, the most important people in the world now chasing a turkey and a dog.

Bush: Yeah! Yeah, Barney nearly killed the thing! Heh heh heh!

Leno: Now, um, where you going to be spending Thanksgiving? You going to be in Texas?

Bush: In Crawford. Yeah, our girls will be there, and my son-in-law, and, uh, I wish he'd hurry up and have a grandchild.

Leno: Yeah! When are you going to be a grandfather?!

Bush: Yeah, good question. If you're listening, Henry. [looks into camera] Even Jay Leno wants to know!

Leno: How old is Henry?

Bush: Uh, he's old enough! Heh heh heh heh heh heh.

[Note: These clips edited out Bush telling—again!—his drunken how's-sex-over-50 story.]

Leno: You might ask him what sex is like in your 30s.

Bush: HEH! HEH! HEH! HEH! HEH! HEH! HEH! HEH! HEH! HEH! HEH! HEH! I quit drinking! Heh heh heh!

Leno: And Laura—she happy to be home?

Bush: She's great. She's doing well. She's an awesome person. One time I said, "Laura Bush is the greatest first lady ever!" [thumps fist on thigh for emphasis] and then realized Mother was in the audience. Heh heh heh!

Leno: Oh that's right! THAT'S RIGHT! I never thought about that!

Bush: Yeah.

Leno: But you seem happy, you seem relaxed.

Bush: [nods] I'm a happy guy. I loved serving our country, I gave it my all, and I'm glad to be home. [SPOKEN LIKE SOME ASSHOLE WHO AVOIDED ACTUAL MILITARY SERVICE.]

[applause]

Leno: Now does she—do you have—like, when you go home, do you now have to do the married guy stuff? [in completely offensive woman-mocking voice] Do you have to go antiquing?

Bush: [laughing] Yeah, so I'm lying on the couch, I said, "Free at last, baby!" [BECAUSE HE WAS TOTALLY A SLAVE.] And she said, "Now you're free to do the dishes."

Leno: That's right. There you go. That's right. And I saw you were a greeter at Wal-Mart…?

Bush: Yeah, not at Wal-Mart, at, uh, a drugstore there in, in Elliott's Drugstore, they put a full-page ad that said "we need a greeter," so I go—guy walks up to me and says, "Anybody ever tell you ya look like George W. Bush?" [laughter] I said, "Yeah, it happens all the time." [laughter] And guy under his breath goes, "Sure must make ya mad!" [laughter and applause]

Leno: Mr. President, have a happy Thanksgiving! [They shake hands.] God bless you, sir, thank you, and your family. Have a lovely holiday. [cheers and applause] President George W. Bush!

This Is The Greatest Thing Ever

The life-size TIE fighter. (Not the kid in the (wrong) uniform.)

Two-Minute Nostalgia Sublime

Willow Smith: "Whip My Hair"

Thank You

To everyone who left such kind words about Maud. It's a testament to what an indomitable spirit she really was that a woman who "lived largely apart from other people for a long time, by circumstance rather than by choice," and sometimes thought of the "world of humans...as a place very far away," nonetheless touched so many lives.