Texting! With Liss and Deeky!:
Deeky: IMFG. Chapter five is the worst one yet.
Liss: LOL! I can't wait.
Deeky: It is unbelievably bad.
Liss: That's such a surprise!
Deeky: It kind of is. I really thought the writing would be at least professional.
I know I complained, sort of, that nothing happened in chapter four. But somehow, even less happens in chapter five. What the fuck? Is this story going anywhere? In the last chapter there were phone calls and the burning of paper. Chapter five is just Noah wandering the halls of Doyle & Merchant.
Really, this is an excuse for another of Beck('s ghostwriter) to list off all the things he hates. In the guise of Darthur's brilliant PR accomplishments.
This particular corridor was the company's walk-through résumé, a gallery of framed and mounted achievements, past to present. Press clippings, puff pieces, planted news items and advertorials, slick, crafted cover stories dating back to the 1950s, digitized video highlights running silently in their flat-screen displays. It was a hall of fame unparalleled in the industry and the envy of all competitors.
So, what were these PR miracles? "Manufactured boy bands and teen pop music stars." Oh, how iconoclasty. Wevs. "Must-have Christmas toys (murders had been committed for a spot in line to buy some of these)." I'm rolling my eyes here. You can't see it, but I am. Of course, all conservatives hate Che Guevara T-shirts. I guess because he was a commie. "On a dare, Noah's father had once boasted that he could transform some of the century's most brutal killers into fashion statements." Okay. "And he'd done it; here were pictures of clueless college students, rock stars, and Hollywood icons proudly wearing T-shirts featuring the romanticized images of Chairman Mao and Che Guevara." Also note, the disdain for "college students, rock stars, and Hollywood icons." I'm guessing Beck loves country musicians. (Not the Dixie Chicks, of course.)
Other things Darthur invented, or at least created the PR for: Tobacco, pharmaceuticals, the lottery. As a youngster, Noah, it turns out, came up with the phrase you can't win if you don't play, "during a rare family chat at the Gardner dinner table." Apparently workaholics are to be despised too. And lottery players have been duped by a child:
No other product could demonstrate the essence of their work as perfectly as the lottery. The ads and jingles might remind all the suckers to play, but it was the PR hocus-pocus that kept them believing in the impossible, year after year. ... Take their money and give them nothing but a scrap of paper and disappointment in return, and then— and this is the key— make them line up every week to do it again.
Well, you know, there is one other product that fits this description. They're called Glenn Beck books. Okay, sorry, that was too easy. But lottery players aren't the biggest suckers of all. No. It's the "do-gooders." Those foolish dreamers who believe they can make the world a better place. People like Che Guevara. Or Peace Corps volunteers:
Noah had a friend in college, not a close friend, but a self-described bleeding-heart lefty tree-hugging do-gooder friend who'd gone to work for an African aid organization after graduation. She'd kept in touch only casually, but her last sad letter had been one for the scrapbook. It turned out that after all the fund-raising and banquets and concerts and phone banks, all the food and clothing and medical supplies they'd shipped over had been instantly hijacked and sold on the black market, either by the corrupt provisional government, the corrupt rebel militias, or both. Most of the proceeds bought a Viking V58 cruiser for the yacht-deprived son of a parliament member. The rest of the money went for weapons and ammunition. That arsenal, in turn, fueled a series of sectarian genocidal massacres targeting the very starving men, women, and children whom the aid was meant for.
Saps! Fuck Africa. Helping them is just helping warlords, facilitating genocide, and buying yachts for black people. Screw that noise! This is why Libertarians don't help anyone. It's a waste. If Africa wants to improve its situation, it needs to grab its bootstraps, pull itself up, and get its shit together. Durr. Umm, okay, sorry, where was I? Oh yeah.
Darthur has also been the PR machine behind every president since JFK, excepting the "too high-and-mighty" Jimmy Carter and the "too cheap" Richard Nixon. Both those clowns were run out of office, weren't they? Darthur even had a hand in fixing Clinton's impeachment. Man, this PR firm does everything. And when they're not fixing elections, they're drumming up support for war.
Noah was nearly to the end of the hall when a small, unassuming case study caught his attention. There was no title or description on this one, just a silent running video, the testimony before Congress of a volunteer nurse named Nayirah al-Sabah. She was the fifteen-year-old Kuwaiti girl whose tearful story of infants being thrown from their incubators by Iraqi soldiers became a podium-pounding rallying cry in the final run-up to the 1991 Gulf War.
Undeniably moving, highly effective, and entirely fictional.
The client for this one had been a thinly veiled pro-invasion front group called Citizens for a Free Kuwait. The girl wasn't a nurse at all; she was the photogenic daughter of the Kuwaiti ambassador to the United States. The testimony had been written, produced, and directed by Arthur Isaiah Gardner, the distinguished gentleman sitting just behind her in the video.
Evil! Darthur is pure evil. Because all PR people do is lie. Which totally not what Glenn Beck and his ilk do. No, not at all. Anyway, I guess this New World Order thing is going to be a walk in the park. I mean, if he can fix the Clinton blowjob thing, and get Iraq invaded, he can certainly establish a new "political and economic and social structure." I wonder, is this is what's meant by "the banality of evil"? (The writing here. Not the starting of wars.)
The Overton Window: Chapter Five
On Lady Gaga
Earlier this week, I spent about an hour on the phone with Kira Cochrane from the Guardian, who was working on a piece exploring whether Lady Gaga is a feminist icon. We had a really interesting conversation, ranging from Gaga's musicality, to her privilege/narrative failures (particularly in the Telephone video), as well as her successes, to why Gaga is a household name but Janelle Monáe isn't—as well as the stuff about potties, Gaga's sexual independence, and her wardrobe as commentary on consent that ended up in Cochrane's article, which was published today.
Is Lady Gaga a feminist icon?
[Related Reading: Quote of the Day, particularly the comments thread.]
OMFG
Sacha Baron Cohen Set to Play Singer Freddie Mercury in Film Biopic.
Presumably, this film is meant to honor the trailblazing Freddie Mercury, but I can't think of more dishonorable casting than a purveyor of homophobic garbage whose last comedy film was based on the premise that anything gay/feminine is inherently absurd.
What a shame.
Oh My Aching Sides
Hey, remember last year when Joaquin Phoenix grew a "crazy" beard and declared he was abandoning acting to become a rapper, and he made a bunch of public appearances acting all "weird," and all over the teevee and the internetz, people speculated about his "insane" appearance on David Letterman's show, and debated whether he was mentally ill or addicted to drugs or drowning in booze, which naturally resulted in all sorts of disablist commentary and reinforcement of disablist narratives...?
Yeah, ha ha, it turns out that was all a joke.
CASEY AFFLECK wants to come clean.It must be fun to play crazy for "performance art," and then leave it behind as soon as you're done with it. Would that my mental illness were a costume I could slip out of and toss on the floor.
His new movie, "I'm Still Here," was performance. Almost every bit of it. Including Joaquin Phoenix's disturbing appearance on David Letterman's late-night show in 2009, Mr. Affleck said in a candid interview at a cafe here on Thursday morning.
"It's a terrific performance, it's the performance of his career," Mr. Affleck said. He was speaking of Mr. Phoenix's two-year portrayal of himself — on screen and off — as a bearded, drug-addled aspiring rap star, who, as Mr. Affleck tells it, put his professional life on the line to star in a bit of "gonzo filmmaking" modeled on the reality-bending journalism of Hunter S. Thompson.
...Mr. Affleck, who is married to Mr. Phoenix's sister and has been his friend for almost 20 years, said he wanted audiences to experience the film's narrative, about the disintegration of celebrity, without the clutter of preconceived notions.
So he said little in interviews. "We wanted to create a space," he said. "You believe what's happening is real."
The privilege here is astounding, frankly. Apart from the disablism, there's the fact that none of Phoenix's colleagues on the film he was promoting while engaging in this SO FUN! piece of performance art had any idea what was going on. It's one thing to risk tanking your own career by using a publicity tour to behave like a jackass for another project, but he and Affleck apparently didn't give two shits that blowback from the stunt might affect his co-stars and the producers of the film (which tanked, and might have, anyway).
And then there's the fact that part of this shtick was Phoenix's claim to be leaving his successful acting career behind to become a hip-hop artist. HOW CRAZY. That's not something white people do, amirite?!
I'm sure that's some kind of super-edgy, totally ironic, and way hilarious hipster racism that I'm just too square to appreciate.
Plus: HOOKERS!
Meanwhile, in the making of this exercise in vanity and privilege, two sexual harassment suits were brought against Affleck by female crew members, both of which have just been settled. Fun project. Very cool.
Iain and I have had a running argument about the veracity of Phoenix's "breakdown." I have been insistent it was a put-on; Iain disagreed. This morning, I sent him the link to this story with the note: "Told you." He responded: "Dang it, lol. How the hell did you know that?" I replied: "Because I'm a genius. Now be shushtelled." (eliciting another laugh).
But the truth is, I just had a feeling. A feeling of being made fun of.
This is a real thing in the world.
WTF? How is this possible? We have too many editorial pieces, too many websites to fill. Fuck, just watch Narwhals, for Maude's sake.
For those not willing and/or not interested enough to click the link, it's a piece on CNN by a couple of douchebags at the Ayn Rand Center for Individual Rights . Hold on, it gets worse. Brook and Ghate, apparently inspired by that new Gordon Gekko movie, declare that that greed is good, that Jesus and Mother Teresa are assholes, and robber barons are something to aspire to. What? Yeah. How is this possible? Oh yeah: Too many websites, not enough Narwhal videos.
p.s. Go to hell, CNN (and the Ayn Rand Center for Individual Rights).
It's Hard Out There For A D. A.
(Trigger warning for description of domestic violence, prosecutorial misconduct in a domestic violence case, and attempts to coerce sex from a position of authority. The first part of this piece is written from the perspective of a harasser.)
Hey, baby, hey baby, over here. Yeah, you, sugar.
Now, you know you're just a low-class bimbo who gets herself beat up by her boyfriend, right? I mean, that's the kind of guy a chick like you rates. But today is your lucky day, because I have got a prize for you!
"I am the prize"! The District Attorney who — if you're smart in distributing your assets, heh, heh — will be prosecuting the case against that guy who tried to strangle you to death. Hell, yeah, baby, how did you get so lucky!
I mean, you may be "the tall, young, hot nymph", but "I'm the attorney. I have the $350,000 house. I have the 6-figure career." You sure don't think there's any other way a chick like you could get close to any of that, do you? So I can see why you would have "low self-esteem", but don't let that stop you from grabbing this prize! Because "you have such potential"! The potential "to be so hot" for my personal enjoyment, is what I'm thinking.
Maybe you feel this would be kind of risky, me being married, and the prosecutor on your case — against the guy who tried to strangle you. You sure wouldn't want him going free. He's probably really pissed off that you brought charges. Wonder what the guy who tried to strangle you before would do to you now he's mad, if he got the impression that the legal system had lost interest in what happens to you? But I digress.
I was talking about how risky this "secret contact with an older, married, elected DA" would be. Yeah, it'd be risky for me. "That's why it would have to be special enough to risk it all." Oh, man, so special. So risky. Soooo hot. "The riskier the better?"
"I would not expect you to be the other woman" (but you would be). No, no. "I would want you to be so hot and treat me so well" that I'd just forget I was married! "R U that good?"
C'mon, baby. You know I'm not going to take no for an answer. Why do you think I keep texting you? I started ten minutes after you left my office, after our interview about your case, and I don't plan on stopping til I get what I want. Oh, and that case against your ex-boyfriend? We can totally work the timing on this relationship "for his case to get done."
And, baby, nobody knows how to appreciate a good little victim like I do! "I wrote the law on crime victims in this state."
Don't you worry about a thing, baby. Hell, I'm the chair of the state Crime Victims Rights Board. We have the power to reprimand judges, prosecutors and police officers who mistreat crime victims. Or not.
So you know you can trust me, baby.
Does that sound to you like the right way for the District Attorney responsible for prosecuting a man charged with attempting to strangle a woman to death to communicate to the victim in the case? Yeah. Me neither.
But the D.A. in Calumet County, Wisconsin thought it was just right for him. Since the victim went to the police to lodge a complaint against him, and the matter has become public, he is concerned about the potential damage to the victim in this case, however. The victim being him.
"I'm worried about it because of my reputational interests. I'm worried about it because of my 25 years as a prosecutor, " says D.A. Kenneth Kratz.Kratz told Ryan J. Foley of the Associated Press — shouted it, actually — that "this is a non-news story", and "expressed concern" that the publication of his text messages to the victim, soliciting a sexual relationship with her "would unfairly embarrass him personally and professionally."
After the story of his behavior toward 26-year-old Stephanie Van Groll became public, he withdrew from the prosecution of her ex-boyfriend, which was then taken over by the state Department of Justice. (An assistant state attorney general, acting as a special prosecutor, won a conviction on one felony count of strangulation against the woman's assailant.) D.A. Kratz also resigned from the crime victims board.
He retains his position as County District Attorney, and says he plans to run for re-election a year from now. Thus the concern about his "reputational interests".
Presumably, the treatment the victim received from the local police in handling the case of her ex-boyfriend's attack on her was respectful enough that when the D.A. continued to harass her after she had told him she was not interested, she felt it was worthwhile reporting the D.A.'s behavior to the police, which she did out of fear that her assailant would not be prosecuted if she did not give in to the D.A.'s ongoing sexual importuning.
But if the way the police had initially handled her original complaint had seemed to treat it less than seriously, as has so often happened to victims of domestic violence, if they had treated her with skepticism or disdain, how and why would she have found the courage to return to them, given the horrendous situation she was already dealing with?
There are entire classes of victims, within the already vulnerable class of victims of domestic violence, who are even more frequently treated with disdain — poor women, women of color, trans women, sex workers, homeless women, and of course there are many women who are in more than one of those classes.
It is vital that women, and all victims, be able to trust police, prosecutors, and the court system. All too frequently they can't. I fervently hope the voters of Calumet County can be trusted not to return this excrescence on the public weal to his position. But there can be no justification for the people, and particularly the women, of that county having to rely on this man's participation in the criminal justice system between now and November of 2012.
Yet that seems to be the case. Her courage in returning to the police to lodge a complaint against someone whom they depend on to prosecute the cases they put together resulted in the local police — because they do have to continue working with the local D.A. — referring the complaint to the state Division of Criminal Investigation. That Division has taken no action against Kratz. The victim says she was told that, "they didn't think he did anything criminally wrong."
Kratz says that the Office of Lawyer Regulation found he did not violate any rules governing attorney misconduct. The Office itself cannot comment on investigations.
So, a central figure in the county criminal justice system uses his position to attempt to coerce a crime victim into a sexual relationship with him, harasses her by sending her 30 text messages in 3 days, beginning immediately after interviewing her about the case he will be prosecuting against the man who tried to strangle her, and the official verdict seems to be: no criminal wrongdoing on the part of this officer of the court, and no lawyerly misconduct.
And had Ms. Van Groll been afraid to return to the police, afraid that if she reported him no one would do anything and the man who tried to kill her would not be prosecuted, if in her desperation she had acceded to the vile Kratz' proposition, what then?
Why, then, she's a dirty gold-digging slut who slept with a married, middle-aged man because he's an important guy with a lot more money than her. In this situation, initiated by a man in a powerful position, on whom the victim was dependent for legal resolution of the case against her attacker, anything she does may be wrong. But somehow nothing he did is really wrong. Just kind of embarrassing.
[The italicized text above is my representation of the nature of the D.A.'s approach to the victim, not a literal description of his communication to her. The words in quotation marks within that italicized text are direct quotes from the D.A.'s text messages to the victim, as well as some from his interview with the AP's Foley. Emphasis given by bolding was my addition. But the emphasis which the bolding is meant to highlight, the total focus on himself, his own desires and interests, at the expense of a victim of serious violence, who is a member of the public whom he was entrusted and well-paid to represent, was provided entirely by the atrociously, criminally (in my view, if not that of the Wisconsin Dept. of Justice) egotistic asshole himself.]
Edited to correct attribution of some quoted material. Kratz was interviewed by Ryan J. Foley of the Associated Press, not by the Wisconsin State Journal, as I originally wrote. The link in the post is to the State Journal which carried Foley's article. Thanks to Shaker shiftydiscogirl for bringing the error to my attention.
H/T to Liss, who sent me this story.
Question of the Day
Earlier today I looked at the paperwork regarding legal name change and--even though it's something I had given years worth of consideration to--just looking at those blank spaces to fill in a new name presented a mighty big temptation to impulsively write in something offbeat and fabulous like, say, Leaf. For me, anyway. All this power (for a fee) to rename yourself!
Which brings me to the question which, yeah, we did do not too long ago:
Have you ever considered changing your first name, or have you already changed it for some reason, e.g. transitioning, adoption, immigration, etc.?
Discussion Thread: Feminist/Womanist Tattoos
Inspired by Shaker lajoie's comment in today's C&S thread, as well as my 20-years-and-counting quest to conceive of my first tattoo, here's a thread to discuss womanist/feminist tats. Do you have one? Do you want one? Have you seen one you really liked or admired?
[Related Reading: Me and My Teaspoon.]
All Righty Then
Change that matters.
The reviews aren't particularly enthusiastic. Gawker's Jim Newell said it looks "like the sort of logo you'd find on baby boys' sneakers," which is equal parts hilarious, depressing, and true.
I don't think it's a great logo, but I will give the Dems credit for the not-so-subtle exhortation to action it creates when paired with the iconic Obama insignia:
"Do."
The paired logos feature at the bottom of each page of the Democrats' revamped website, the context of which is less thrilling. "Reproductive Choice" isn't even featured as a line item in their "What We Stand For" section, and, under "Women," accessed from the "People" section, choice doesn't even get a passing mention.
The "Women" section also begins thus: "The Democratic Party and women share common values and priorities." It's a theme that's repeated elsewhere: "Democrats stand with the LGBT community" and "For decades, Democrats have stood with the African American community" etc.
Here's a hint, Dems: Addressing these populations as though they are mutually exclusive from the Democratic Party is not the way to foster feelings of inclusion.
I'm not even going to start on the patronizing tone of the "Americans with Disabilities" section, which might as well be written in crayon. I'm a person with a disability, Dems. I need institutional support for accommodations, not gold stars on my notebook from condescending ignoramuses.
[Via Andy.]
Today's Edition of "Conniving and Sinister"
See Deeky's archive of all previous Conniving & Sinister strips here.
[In which Liss reimagines the long-running comic "Frank & Ernest," about two old straight white guys "telling it like it is," as a fat feminist white woman (Liss) and a biracial queerbait (Deeky) telling it like it actually is from their perspectives. Hilarity ensues.]
This is a real thing in the world.
WTF? How is this possible? We have too many channels, too much airtime to fill. Fuck, just put on some Simon & Simon reruns, for Maude's sake.
For those not willing and/or not interested enough to click the link, it's a piece about a new TV reality show called "The Vanilla Ice Project." Hold on, it gets worse. "The Vanilla Ice Project" is about Vanilla Ice renovating and flipping mansions in Palm Beach. What? Yeah. How is this possible? Oh yeah: Too many channels, not enough Simon & Simon reruns.
p.s. Go to hell, DIY Network.
OH NOES! NOT SOCIAL JUSTICE!
Senator Judd Gregg (R-Eprobate)—who once upon a time (until he withdrew) was Obama's nominee for Commerce Secretary (lol)—is Very Concerned about Elizabeth Warren using her position in a new consumer protection agency to promote social justice.
Gregg, the ranking member of the Senate Budget Committee and a senior member of the Banking Committee, expressed dismay at President Obama's decision to tap Warren as a key "adviser" to help set up the new Consumer Financial Protection Agency established in the Wall Street reform bill.LOL! OH NOES!
..."My concern is that she would use the agency for the purpose of promoting social justice," Gregg said on ABC's "Top Line" webcast.
The Republican Party: Officially Against Social Justice.
And what does Gregg think that Warren should be using the CONSUMER PROTECTION bureau to do?
The agency, Gregg said, should promote improving access to credit, as well as other financial services.LOL! Of course.
Photo of the Day
Image Description: My partner Iain stands on the sidewalk in downtown Chicago next to the Wienermobile, giving two big thumbs-ups and a goofy grin. He just sent the picture to me under the subject heading: "My New Job: Wiener Driver." (Posted with his permission.)
Quote of the Day
[Trigger warning for clergy abuse and rape apologia.]
"These revelations were for me a shock and a great sadness. It is difficult to understand how this perversion of the priestly ministry was possible. … It is also a great sadness that the authorities of the church were not sufficiently vigilant and insufficiently quick and decisive in taking the necessary measures."—Pope Benedict XVI, expressing his alleged shock and sadness about the recent spate of reported clergy abuse—which might be more meaningful if it weren't for this and this and this and this and this and this and this and this and this and this and this and this and this and this and this and about ten billion other posts to which I could link undermining the Pope's claims to shock and sadness.
Joelle Casteix of SNAP, the Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests, responded to the Pope's quote thus: "It's disingenuous to say church officials have been slow and insufficiently vigilant in dealing with clergy sex crimes and cover ups. On the contrary, they've been prompt and vigilant, but in concealing, not preventing, these horrors." Ouch.
It's bad enough when the Pope just runs his usual defend and deflect routine, but this feigning innocence shtick is intolerable.
In Which CNN Doesn't Get "It"
Liss directed me to an article on CNN entitled “Is Ethnic Beauty the New “It” Factor?” From the article
There was a time when the Caucasian girl-next-door looks of Christie Brinkley, Cindy Crawford and more recently Kate Moss dominated the fashion pages. Then came new fashion icons: Naomi Campbell, Jennifer Lopez, Beyonce - and then Giselle, Kim Kardashian and Shakira.My immediate response was, “Eww.” Because I'm so generous, I’ll give you some reasons why in simple, numbered form.
More voluptuous figures, fuller lips and darker skin, features traditionally associated with women of African, Latin and Asian cultures, are "in." Over the past decade, an appreciation for ethnic beauty has been on the rise, and these natural features are becoming popular among Caucasian women who desire to look more "exotic."
1) CNN, you’re a little bit late. The New York Times ran a piece way back in 2003 about “Generation E.A.: Ethnically Ambiguous” in which advertising and fashion industry insiders waxed on about the “desire for the exotic, left-of-center beauty.” And you know what T. Denean Sharpley-Whiting discovered when she analyzed the “rise” of Generation E.A. in her book, Pimps Up, Ho’s Down? This:
“Despite the hubbub about Generation E.A., editors and ad executives admit that whiteness continues to dominate the beauty and fashion industries,” (31).2) There is something creepy and fetish-y and colonizer-y about talking about WoC’s “exotic” beauty, white women’s desire for it, and the commodification of it. “What’s not to love, embrace and emulate about ethnic beauty?” gushes one fashion director. And, yes, the NYT article actually used the word “exotic,” too. They also both, not-so-covertly, define WoC outside the realm of “Americanness.” From the CNN article:
The desire for individuality leads people to embrace the image of ethnic women over typical "cookie-cutter American beauties," said [Marie Claire beauty and health director, Ying] Chu.And one blogger claimed that “no one wants to just look like the quintessential American girl.”
With regards to the NYT article, Sharpley-Whiting notes that the “left-of-center” designation “still situates whiteness at the center of American beauty culture and darker hues on this schematic shifting to the left,” (31).
3) There is, apparently, “beauty” and “ethnic beauty.” Love that continued disappearing of (the normalizing of) whiteness.
4) This isn’t just about our increasingly multicultural nation. “ ‘Race’ mixing is not a ‘new reality,’” writes Sharpley-Whiting, “America [has never been] as ‘white’ as it believes itself to be,” (30). This is about the beauty myth and those ever-shifting goalposts. Naomi Wolf is right—women are never going to meet the elusive standards. I did agree with the blogger I mentioned in point two that this has less to do with a melting pot and more to do with the “obsession of perfection.” “The beauty standards,” she said, “[are] a bit skewed and contradicting.”
5) To imply that the fashion industry, with its notorious color and race issues is at the forefront of this “trend” is laughable, at best.
6) Speaking of the word trend, now, come on! I mean, the “it” factor? And the claim that the mainstream popularity and visibility of Beyoncé and Jennifer Lopez “made the larger, rounder bottom sexy?" This underlying notion, for which I don’t yet have the words, that implies that so-called ethnic beauty needed the affirmation, acceptance, and envy of white people to exist, is infuriating.
Texting! With Liss and Deeky!
[Spoiler warning for last night's Top Chef finale.]
Liss: [sends picture of Dudley lying on the couch on his back, legs akimbo]
Deeky: LOL! THAT DOG IS SUCH A KNUCKLEHEAD!
Liss: LOLOLOLOLOLOL! He's so the perfect dog for me, lol.
Deeky: No doy. P.S. Taking the trash out, in the rain, in your boxers, is not fun.
Liss: Why did you do that?!
Deeky: Because I didn't feel like putting on pants.
Liss: LOL 4 realz big time. We totes have to watch the Top Chef finale together live.
Deeky: Definitely! I just finished watching last week's now. So it's going to be a three-way sword fight, huh?
Liss: Dude Casserole.
Deeky: I am so not excited for this finale.
[The three sous chefs brought in are also men.]
Liss: Wow, surprise! THREE MORE DUDES!
Deeky: Now it's six dudes. They should all make sausage.
Liss: "Your first course is sausage. Your second course is wieners. Your third course is meatballs. Your final course must be a dessert—spotted dick!"
Deeky: LOL! TOTES. Sausage fest.
Liss: "Let's get ready to cock! I mean COOK. I definitely meant COOK."
Deeky: LOLOLOL! Oh, dear. Angelo is very sick. Poor Angelo.
Liss: GET IT TOGETHER, ANGELO! YOU HAVE A DICK-MEASURING CONTEST TO ATTEND! ARE WE SUPPOSED TO HAVE THIS DICK-MEASURING CONTEST WITH ONLY FIVE DICKS?!
Deeky: LOLOLOLOLOLOL! Vivomart? No Whole Foods in Singapore?
Liss: I know. It might as well be named VULVAMART.
[Angelo gets a shot in the buttocks from a doctor.]
Deeky: Angelo is getting it in the butt!
Liss: This episode should just be called "That's What He Said. Plus WIENERS!"
Deeky: Quick question: Is vacuuming the closet the gayest thing I'll do today?
Liss: No, watching Angelo get shot in the rear is the gayest thing you'll do today.
Deeky: LOL!
Liss: Would you want to eat something prepared by someone with Montezuma's Revenge? Or whatever it's called there. The Singapore Squirts.
Deeky: LOLz for real @ Singapore Squirts. No. Fuck no. Unless he used anti-bacterial Hamburger Helper.
Liss: Eww.
Deeky: :"Ed and I were pushing like animals."
Liss: THAT'S WHAT HE SAID!
Deeky: "It takes a lot of balls to make a veggie turine."
Liss: THAT'S WHAT HE SAID!
Deeky: Is this shit over yet?
Liss: This is soooooooooooooo boring.
Deeky: I know. Who gives a shit about these jokers?
Liss: Fucking NO ONE, that's who. BRING BACK TIFFANY!
Deeky: For serious. Worst. Season. Ever.
Liss: "I'll take yours. Bring it on."
Deeky: THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.
Liss: I so don't even care who wins.
Deeky: Me either. Wevs.
Liss: "Kevin really punched me with fruit, but I loved Angelo's diarrhea cakes!"
Deeky: Essence of colon.
Liss: "His botulism stew was DIVINE!"
Deeky: LOL!
Liss: "Personally, I'm not sure we should give the title of Top Chef to someone who gave us all ebola. Plus, his barf gelato was underseasoned."
Deeky: This show should pack its knives and go.
Liss: LOL! Oh, look—Kevin, whom no one, including the editors, even noticed until three episodes ago, just won. Yay? Congratulations, Kevin. We knew nothing about you!
Deeky: OMFG. Top Chef: Pink Donuts is on. Wevs.
Liss: OMG LOLOLOL pink donuts! I can't. Stop. Laughing.
Deeky: Where the fuck is this? L.A.?
Liss: Candyland.
Deeky: Okay, who is this rockabilly goofball?
Liss: He's Johnny Elvisface, King of Candyland.
Deeky: That clown better not bring his sideburns to Faggottown.
Liss: Ha!
Deeky: Ummm, how the fuck do you have a Quickfire BAKING contest?
Liss: LOL!
Deeky: Uh oh, someone's meringues have browned.
Liss: Nice snot cupcake, Ice Queen!
Deeky: LOL! It looked like bile.
Liss: Whoops, that's not ganache he's oozing!
Deeky: Sex or chocolate? Which would you choose?
Liss: I would choose sex with MISTER CHOCOLATE!
Deeky: This show may be worse than Top Chef: Spy Hard.
Liss: Whoops, someone stole your head and replaced it with the head of an Elvis impersonator from a Vegas wedding chapel!
Deeky: "Editor at Large from the Daily Candy"? That's a thing? And Earl Grey mousse? Barf!
Liss: Top Chef: Garbage Desserts.
Deeky: LOL!
Liss: This show blowz, but at least it's not as boring as the last season of Top Chef.
Deeky: I guess. And shouldn't they have changed that knife in the logo to a spoon or something?
Liss: They should have changed it to a pink donut.
Deeky: Well, at least this show will only last one season.
Liss: LOL!
Deeky: Danielle has serious sad face. "Your dessert just didn't measure up." Wevs.
Liss: Please pack your cupcakes and get the fuck out of here.
Deeky: LOL!
Liss: I'm going to bed, Mr. Chocolate B-Hole. Goodnight!
Deeky: Nighty-night, Lady Donut!
Liss: HA!
