Michael Medved: Gay Marriage Myths and Truth.
TRUTH: Michael Medved just has balled up paper towels where his brains should be.
This is so the worst thing you're going to read all day.
One Vote for Ben Quayle, Please!
Ben Quayle, son of Indiana's finest ever politician and former vice-president (and spelling champion) Dan Quayle, is running for Congress in Arizona on the GOP ticket. And he is a DYNAMO!
Ben Quayle, delivered with the most expressionless monotone imaginable: Barack Obama is the worst…president…in history. In my generation, we'll inherit a weakened country, drug cartels in Mexico, tax cartels in DC… What's happened to America? I love Arizona. I was raised right. Somebody has to go to Washington—and knock the hell outta the place. My name's Ben Quayle, and I approve this message.Settle down, Ben. You're going to wake the neighbors.
If I've said it once, I've said it one billion times: When I cast my vote to send someone to Washington to "knock the hell outta the place," I want it to be someone who can accomplish the Sisyphean task of revolutionizing a deeply entrenched political institution with the diabolical fervor of a man possessed by a pocket calculator.
[Via Gabe.]
Farewell, Cathy!
Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, because I know all you femifarts, queerbaits, gender-benders, fat chicks, and various other dinguses don't have a lot to be happy about, what with all the normal people hating you and all, but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do: America's—heck, the world's—best-loved comic strip, "Cathy," is coming to an end. "AACK!"
Well, actually, "Garfield" is probably the favorite comic strip of discerning comic-strip aficionados the world over, because HA HA that cat eats lasagna, man.
Oh, wait—"Marmaduke" might be number one. I mean, nothing fails to brighten my day when I'm feeling down in the dumps, like when I lost that bet to my friend Dick Balzac about whether I could fart 20 times in under a minute (I usually can—leave it to my butt to fail when my NASCAR collector shoehorns are on the line!), than a perusal of the "Marmaduke" strips I've got stuck on the fridge for just such an occasion. HA HA that dog is BIG!
And "Hägar the Horrible" is the fucking MAN. I love me some Viking shit. One time, me and my ex-wife/fiancée Tammy went as Hägar and his wife Helga to this costume party—only it turned out not to be a costume party; I just got mixed up because when my friend Max Butz invited me, he said to "dress up," and I thought he meant in, like, costumes and shit. Like I'm supposed to know that he wanted me to wear some stupid suit to his kid's baptism. Whatever. I still really love "Hägar the Horrible," though.
Well, shit. Come to think of it, I also really like that "Love Is…" cartoon, with them little naked cupids or whatever. And the Lockhorns! Shit, man—that strip is hilarious! It's funny because it's TRUE. Mars and Venus, man. Mars and Venus.
And what about "Ziggy"? Dude is all, "That sucks! SADFACE!" I love that guy.
Oh, and "Crankshaft" is a not-miss on the comics page for me. That old guy is a CRANKY DICK! Hey—I just thought about how that's a whaddayacallit, a double-on-tonder or whatever. He's a cranky "shaft," and he drives a bus that has a part called a crankshaft. Do you think the guy who writes that did that on purpose? Pretty clever if he did. See, that's why I could never be a comic writer person. They're like the stand-up comedians of the newspaper.
You know what comic I don't like, though? "Burt and Ernest." It's just these two guys sitting around talking about shit, and I swear it's like they ripped that shit off "Conniving & Sinister." Which I hate even more than "Burt and Ernest."
Fuck, what was I talking about again…? Oh, yeah—"Cathy." Well, that's a pretty funny strip, too. Top 10, anyway.
But now, after 34 years, it's gonna end. "AACK!" HA HA. "AACK!" I love that.
And I'm honestly kind of sad about it. I mean, yeah, it made me laugh, but it taught me a lot, too. (I always think the best kind of learning is the kind that makes you laugh while it's sticking stuff in your head.) Probably 98% of what I know about modern women—like how they love to be called "modern women" because it's the word equivalent of one of them power-suits with the shoulder-pads—I learned from "Cathy."
Like, before I started reading "Cathy," I didn't know that women have "four basic guilt groups"—Food, Love, Mom, and Work. And I didn't know that the main things women think about are their weight, cake, shopping, and shoes. My dad always told me all women think about are "getting pregnant and sucking you dry" (that's what she said), but he was wrong, which pains me to say—"AACK!" HA HA—because he was pretty much a genius about women otherwise, which is how he managed to get eight different women to marry him. But anyways, women think about shoes a lot. And cake.
I wouldn't ever buy any of them "Cathy" compilations for myself, because a man being interested in women is totally gay and shit, but my stepmom Cheryl has all the collections, and I ain't ashamed to say I've read 'em all. My favorites are probably the '81 classic I think I'm having a Relationship with a Blueberry Pie!, the '84 side-splitter Men should come with instruction booklets (HA HA WOMEN SHOULD!), the '85 work of brilliance Wake me up when I'm a size 5, and 2000's Shoes: Chocolate for the Feet. Chocolate for the feet!—where does she come up with this stuff?!
You know, not that long ago, me and my friend Dick Balzac almost got into a huge fight because he was calling me a pussy for reading "Cathy." He was all, "That crap's for women. If it was for dudes, it would be about a dude!" And that made me really mad. I mean, my ex-wife/fiancée Tammy and my stepmom Cheryl and my niece Sierra watch movies and read books and shit with main characters that are dudes all the time. (Seriously, if I have to hear any more about this Harry Potter dingus, I'm going cast a spell for earpluggium leavemebeus.) I mean, it's actually kind of cool to read something that's about the women's perspective once in awhile. When I told this to Dick Balzac, though, you'd have thought I told him I was changing my name to Vagina Cootersnatch or something, the way he went on.
Whatever. See what hanging around you femifarts all the time is doing to me? I'm going to lose all my brohams now because of your brainworms about women's lib corrupting my grey matter.
Anyways, I guess I just want to say "Thanks, Cathy!"—because I really enjoyed reading you and I learned a lot. I wouldn't be half the sex machine I am today if it weren't for understanding so much about womankind because of you.
Farewell, Cathy! Thanks for all the mammaries! HA HA!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I promised Tammy I'd take her out to dinner someplace special for her birthday, and my car ain't gonna drive itself to Hooters.
Pornstache: Out.
[Previously by Butch Pornstache: Happy Taxes and Teabags Day, I'm a Proud Teabagger and Real American, Men and Trucks and Shit, Cats and Shit, Books and Cupcakes and Shit, Ron Swanson Kicks Butt, Dale Peterson is a Great American, I'm a Man and I Enjoy Mancations. Pamela Gorman is a Great American, Fireworks and Shit, My Great Review of Twilight: Eclipse.]
I Write Letters
(edited below the fold)
Dear Allstate,
Despite what your advertising people may have told you, this is not a commercial:
(Transcript below the fold)
This is a twisted conglomeration of stereotypes. In 15 seconds, you perpetuate and reinforce the ideas that the “typical” teenage girl:
likes pink,
is distracted by sparkly things,
is careless,
is a dangerously poor driver,
is selfish.
Who is this girl? I'm not sure she's typical. And, as if the commercial isn’t insulting enough, you have the nerve to refer to this mysterious girl as “Mayhem?”
Who’s “in good hands” with you, Allstate? Certainly not young women or the image of them.
Exasperated and insulted,
elle
ETA: via Shakers ajoye and The Chemist:
Because women out performing their daily routines are a danger to men who just can't help themselves. Here is the same sentiment present in so many rape apologists' arguments: "It's the woman's fault for wearing certain clothing/being attractive/taking up (public) space)."
Grrr.
__________________
Transcript 1:
A pink SUV makes its away across a parking lot. The camera then switches to the inside of the SUV where we see a disheveled man (Mayhem) driving and clutching a cell phone with a sparkly cover.
Mayhem: "I'm a typical teenage girl."
The phone chimes and Mayhem looks down at it. In the process, he hits the front fender of a car and knocks it off, damaging his own car, as well. He continues to drive off and tosses the cell phone into the back seat.
Screen fades to black and the words "Are You in Good Hands" and then "Allstate" appear.
Transcript 2:
Commercial opens on Mayhem jogging with requisite pink headbands and weights.
Mayhem: I’m a hot babe out jogging. I’m out making sure this (gestures towards his upper body) stays a ten when you drive by.
(Guy drives by in black car and ogles Mayhem. Mayhem smiles and winks because we all know how flattering it is to be ogled.)
Mayhem: You’re checking out my awesome headband when…
(Guy crashes into light pole)
Mayhem: Oops.
(Light pole falls on car)
Mayhem: That’s when you find out, your cut rate insurance… it ain’t paying for this.
(Guy gets out of the car to survey damage)
Mayhem: So get Allstate. Save cash and get better protected from Mayhem like me.
Allstate logo appears along with voice of Dennis Haysbert: Dollar for Dollar, nobody protects you from Mayhem than Allstate.
Photo of the Day
The LA Times blog Top of the Ticket's headline reads: "George W. Bush makes surprise visit to U.S. troops."
"Sweaty dipshit shows up at the USO in the Dallas-Fort Worth airport" would be more accurate.
Still. Even I am not so corrupted with hatred for Mondo Fucko that I can't compliment him for doing a good thing when he does one: Good job giving our soldiers a wee surprise. Now run along and build a time machine so you can go back in time and not send them to a war of choice under false pretenses in which they are still embroiled nearly a decade later, you despicable specimen with garbage where your ethics should be.
Two Minute Nostalgia Sublime
Muriel Smith/Juanita Hall*: "Bali Ha'i"
* Juanita Hall appears as Bloody Mary in the film, but her vocals were provided by Muriel Smith.
Obama Administration Won't Intervene in Child Soldier Trial
[Trigger warning for threats of sexual violence and death, dehumanization, and indefinite detention.]
Raw Story:
In one of the first military commissions held under the Obama administration, a US military judge has ruled that confessions obtained by threatening the subject with rape are admissible in court.That would be appalling enough on its own, except for the fact that the person from whom the confession was obtained is Omar Ahmed Khadr, a Canadian citizen who was captured in Afghanistan nearly eight years ago when he was fifteen years old, and has been held at Gitmo ever since, where he has been "awaiting trial for terrorism and war crimes" after being accused of throwing a grenade that killed a US soldier.
…Globe and Mail reports:
In May hearings, a man identified as Interrogator 1 said in testimony that he threatened Mr. Khadr with being gang-raped to death if he did not co-operate. That interrogator was later identified as former U.S. Army Sergeant Joshua Claus. He has also been convicted of abusing a different detainee and has left the military.Although Khadr's confessions were obtained in this manner, the military judge presiding over the case ruled they are still admissible as evidence.
Mr. Khadr's military-appointed lawyer, Lieutenant-Colonel Jon Jackson, argued this instance, as well as other alleged instances of torture and coercion, are enough to render any future confessions – even those in so-called "clean" interrogations – inadmissible in court.
Lt. Col. Jackson, representing Khadr, has received no support from the Obama administration on behalf of his client: "It's very clear that the government of the US and the government of Canada have decided not to intervene in this case and therefore we are going to see the first case of a child soldier in modern history."
Radhika Coomaraswamy, the United Nations' special envoy for children in armed conflict, notes that "Since World War Two, no child has been prosecuted for a war crime." Additionally: "Child soldiers must be treated primarily as victims and alternative procedures should be in place aimed at rehabilitation or restorative justice. ... The Omar Khadr case will set a precedent that may endanger the status of child soldiers all over the world."
Jackson laments: "When President Obama was elected, I believed that we were going to close the book on Guantanamo and the military commissions. And instead President Obama has decided to write the next sad, pathetic chapter in the book of the military commissions."
I don't even know what to say anymore. I really don't.
[H/T to Shaker The Chemist.]
Top Chef Open Thread
Vintage image of chefjudicator Tom Colicchio, with hair!
Last night's episode will be precisely julienned in this thread, so if you haven't seen it, and don't want any spoilers, pack your knives and go...
This is an actual campaign ad. Like, actually run on TV.
by Shaker codeman38
Below is a campaign ad for one of the contestants in the Georgia Republican gubernatorial runoff (a true case of "which of these really is the lesser of two evils?" if I've ever seen one):
(Footage of a wheat field against a dark sky is shown, with key words from the narration appearing in the sky.)Yes, this is apparently what's important in politics in Georgia.
NARRATOR: The last straw. For some, it is Karen Handel's support of taxpayer funded gay partner benefits.
(Cut to a closer shot of the wheat.)
For others, the last straw is Karen Handel's vote to give our tax dollars to Youth Pride, a group that promotes homosexuality among teenagers as young as 13.
(Cut to wider shot.)
But for all, the lies Karen Handel tells about Nathan Deal, a veteran, former prosecutor, and judge, to hide what she's done, are the last straw.
And yes, I will confirm, as someone living in Georgia, that this...this thing has actually run on TV. Like, actually during local ad slots on prime time television.
Not to be outdone, Handel—who indeed was once a supporter of gay rights—has herself said some incredibly closed-minded stuff, after having allied with the Tea Party crowd in general and Palin in particular. As she wrote on Twitter in response to the Prop 8 verdict: "sick and tired of liberal judges subverting the will of the people to push their left wing agenda." Apparently she missed the fact that Judge Walker was nominated by none other than Ronald Reagan, and initially blocked by the Democrats.
Of course, this is all a moot point now, as Handel conceded to Deal despite the results of the runoff being "too close to call" according to the AP.
Not that it really affected my decision, of course, as I wasn't voting Republican to begin with.
Pillow Talk with Kate
Me: If we ever have another daughter, we're totally naming her Kate Jr.*
My Partner: LOL, that would piss everybody off.
Me: Yeah.
Cultural Conservatives: You can't do that for a girl! There are no Entertainment Tonight clips of Babe Didrikson Zaharias III drunk and disorderly outside of some club. That's just not how it's done!
Humorless Feminazis: Would it really be too much to ask to give your kid her own identity?
Me and My Partner: Remind us why we sleep with y'all again?
--
*We're totally not.
Rape is Hilarious, Part 53 in an Ongoing Series
by Shaker Milli A
[Trigger warning for rape used in a "humorous" capacity.]
This is why, as a feminist, I barely have a sense of humor.
Yesterday's Penny Arcade,a webcomic centered around video gaming and its culture, featured a joke a lot of World of Warcraft players make, in a sense. In WoW, you'll often get quests like "Kill 10 of these terrible people" or "Save five prisoners". Because the game has millions of players all existing in the world who will do that quest, even if you kill all the bad guys and free everyone, they'll reappear against quickly, so the next person can do their good deeds. It's a silly conundrum if you let your suspension of disbelief lapse.
Penny Arcade took it to another level. In a strip titled, "The Sixth Slave," the comic features a (white, male) slave begging for rescue from another character. "Hero!" he pleads. "Please take me with you! Release me from this hell unending! Every morning, we are roused by savage blows. Every night, we are raped to sleep by the dickwolves." The hero tells him, "I only needed to save five slaves. Alright? Quest complete." The prisoner protests, "But…" The hero interrupts him, "Hey, pal. Don't make this weird."
Rape isn't a part of the game, so for the slave to explicitly state he is being raped is a "humorous" exaggeration. When he hero tells the slave his quest is complete and instructs him not to make it "weird," we're meant to laugh: "Haha, what a strange underreaction!" (Or not.)
When I have a sense of humor, it is a little offbeat. I have liked, for example, Penny Arcade's comics about the numerous times they've killed each other. I have a dark sense of humor, and I'll admit it.
But unlike Gabe killing Tycho so he doesn't have to share a video game, a slave being raped is a real thing that happens in the world every day. I don't find this "joke" funny because, unlike characters cartoonishly killing each other repeatedly and coming back to life, just as in video games, rape isn't a central feature of (most) games—at least in the actual gameplay, totally aside from the language used by players.
The problem is, I just don't find rape funny. Because rape survivors exist among us, and after being victimized by rapists, they are revictimized by a society that treats even real rape like a joke, forced to live in a culture that actually has a lot of rape jokes, including those about rape victims being actively denied justice for no other reason than because people don't take rape seriously. I don't find rape funny because rape victims are often doubted, mocked, and insulted openly.
This is why I avoid comedy. I don't go to comedy movies, I rarely watch comedians, I avoid sitcoms like the plague. I've started to develop a Pavlovian response, cringing preemptively, to things I do find funny, because if somebody makes a dark joke, I've learned it won't be long until the rape jokes show up.
This is why I'm a humorless feminist. Because rape jokes killed my sense of humor.
------------------------
[Rape is Hilarious: Parts One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen, Fifteen, Sixteen, Seventeen, Eighteen, Nineteen, Twenty, Twenty-One, Twenty-Two, Twenty-Three, Twenty-Four, Twenty-Five, Twenty-Six, Twenty-Seven, Twenty-Eight, Twenty-Nine, Thirty, Thirty-One, Thirty-Two, Thirty-Three, Thirty-Four, Thirty-Five, Thirty-Six, Thirty-Seven, Thirty-Eight, Thirty-Nine, Forty, Forty-One, Forty Two, Forty-Three, Forty-Four, Forty-Five, Forty-Six, Forty-Seven, Forty-Eight, Forty-Nine, Fifty, Fifty-One, Fifty-Two.]
Relatively Stupid
The same people who believe the world was created in six days just 6,000 years ago and that evolution is eviloution now think that Einstein's theory of relativity is a liberal plot to get science students to stop reading the Bible.
If you're behind on your physics, the Theory of Relativity was Albert Einstein's formulation in the early 20th century that gave rise to the famous theorum that E=mc2, otherwise stated as energy is equal to mass times the square of the speed of light. Why does Andy Schlafly hate the theory of relativity? We're pretty sure it's because he's decided it doesn't square with the Bible.He doesn't offer any proof of his anecdote, but then again, if we doubt him, we're just a bunch of liberal non-believers.
[...]
"Virtually no one who is taught and believes relativity continues to read the Bible, a book that outsells New York Times bestsellers by a hundred-fold."
The proof that the theory of relativity is bunk is in the Bible, of course; John 4:46-54 wherein Jesus performs a miracle via long-distance, proving that he can travel faster than light.
Next up: Gravity is only a liberal theory; it's really intelligent falling.
(Cross-posted.)
Question of the Day
Bonus Cute
Dudley and his friend Bella, who's an absolutely adorable Boxer mix with one of the all-time great doggy grins, engaged in some sort of important investigation at the dog park.
Bella:Dudz::pilot fish:shark.
Number of the Day
49. The percentage of USians who believe same-sex couples "have the constitutional right to get married and have their marriage recognized by law," according to a new CNN/Opinion Research Corporation Poll.
And when the same respondents were asked a slightly different question—not whether the Constitutional right already exists, but whether it should—that number jumps up to 52%.
The will of the majority, Shakers.
Gibbs Doubles Down
Wow. Just wow:
[White House press secretary Robert Gibbs] disputed the idea that liberals would stay home on Election Day out of anger with him.So: Gibbs intended to call liberals drug-addled ingrates, even if "inartfully," and he was accurately representing a widely-held and oft-expressed administration view that just hasn't been put on the record until this point.
"I don't think they will [stay home], because I think what's at stake in November is too important to do that," he said.
When asked if he had put his foot in his mouth or intentionally teed off on liberal commentators, Gibbs opened his mouth to show reporters at the briefing that there was no foot in there.
"I think I have both my feet firmly planted on the floor and nothing in my mouth to speak of," Gibbs said.
..."I think many of you all have heard frustration voiced in here and around," Gibbs said. "I doubt I said anything that you haven't already heard."
Further, he doesn't give a fuck what we think about that because the Republicans are so much worse that we'll just suck it up and vote for the Dems anyway.
Truly amazing. Breathtaking, really.
And note that the president is evidently fine with all that, since Gibbs also noted during today's presser in response to a question about his job security: "I don't plan on leaving." All righty then.
Today's Edition of "Conniving and Sinister"
[Background.]
See Deeky's archive of all previous Conniving & Sinister strips here.
[In which Liss reimagines the long-running comic "Frank & Ernest," about two old straight white guys "telling it like it is," as a fat feminist white woman (Liss) and a biracial queerbait (Deeky) telling it like it actually is from their perspectives. Hilarity ensues.]
