Daily Dose o' Cute


Video of Dudley at home and at the dog park, from the past two weeks. Dudley makes friends with everyone at the dog park, but he is especially fond of Sheba the Shiba Inu and Mimi the Standard Poodle, both of whom looooooove it when he chases them, which he is happy to oblige. Set to Flo Rida's (featuring David Guetta) "Club Can't Handle Me," which has been stuck in my head on a nonstop loop ever since I heard it Friday night. (Which, as an aside, was behind a diggable performance of the Step Up dancers—including SYTYCD's Twitch—on Jimmy Fallon.)

Still pix of Dudz in motion below the fold.









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Monday Blogaround

This blogaround brought to you by Shaxco, makers of Deeky's Giant Gardening Gloves. Now in beige!

Recommended Reading:

Andy: Mexican Cardinal Calls Gay Marriage 'Evil', 'Inherently Immoral' [TW for homophobia]

Cara: Disabled Student Assaulted on School Bus; Bus Driver Watches and Doesn't Respond [TW for violence, disablism, and victim-blaming.]

Bree: Life Doesn't Stop at 300 [TW for fat hatred]

Tasha Fierce: My Life as a Tragic Mulatto [TW for racism]

Angry Asian Man: Koua Fong Lee Freed in Fatal Toyota Acceleration Crash Conviction

Phil: Kitty Success Story

Leave your links in comments...

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Full Effect


[Transcript: Caption on Screen: Tucson, Arizona: On August 2, 2010 around 3:15 p.m. Officer Zinn and Officer Koontz of the Tucson Police Department called Border Patrol on a woman during a traffic stop. Border Patrol came and took her into detention.

Woman to camera: They said they pulled her over because she ran a stop sign, and so they asked for her documentation and they said that she had a citation before in 2008, and that she said that she did have a traffic citation before but she took care of it in court. There was two officers, and I have their names; Officer Zinn and Officer Koontz, and they said they have every reason to believe that it was right to call Border Patrol because they needed to verify her identity, so right now she's going into detention. Explained that to the Border Patrol that her lawyer was en route but he said that he didn't want to wait, and so he took her. And she said he was asking her questions about her citizenship, about where she was born, and she said she didn't want to talk to him; that she wanted to talk to her lawyer. And I gave her a "Know Your Rights" card so she has that information.

Caption: This is Arizona.]


Digby
:
In practice, this amounts to ethnic cleansing. Sure, they don't say "Latinos" but even if you are an American citizen of Latino descent you have to ask yourself whether or not it's worth it to stay in Arizona if you're going to be subjected to this kind of harassment. Plenty of them are leaving (although it's up in the air whether it's the law or a combination of the law and general economic conditions.) I don't blame them. But it's hard to see how this ends well. We are, after all, always going to share a border with Mexico, which is a very different thing than any of the earlier "assimilation" controversies.
Of course, it's entirely possible that that is what the Arizona legislature intended all along but didn't have the guts to say outright: Let's get rid of all the Mexicans. (Ironic, since the Mexicans were in Arizona a long time before the Anglos and the snowbirds showed up.)

Crossposted from Bark Bark Woof Woof.

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College: The solution to everything

So there's this headline in the Times, and because I like freedom pie and hate evil, I'm obviously for it: Obama to Call for Better [College] Graduation Rates

The president wants the U.S. to lead the world in college graduate rates. Sure, why not?

The problem I see here is that the President, the Secretary of Education, along with every other platitude smoking pundit is really confounding three or four different concepts.

I'm with Obama on expanding access to higher education. If young people and their loved ones were guaranteed high quality health care, affordable housing, and affordable day care, a lot more people would be able to attend college. Increasing funding to colleges, working with colleges to lower tuition, and making it easier for part-time students to obtain financial aid (especially grants) would be a huge help, too. Obama and Congressional Democrats seem interested in making student loans less profitable. Baby steps, I suppose, but good nonetheless.

Here's where things get dicey for me.

The article talks about "better" graduation rates, while the article is actually about higher graduation rates. Sure, if we assume access is what limits graduation rates, higher rates are better, in that they indicate greater access. However, if the outcome we want is a more educated populace, we should really be talking about education, not graduation rates. There are multiple ways to increase graduation rates, and they don't all involve providing more or better education.

You may have noticed that I had to add the word "college" to the headline. Perhaps an editor left out that particular word for reasons of column-space. In any case, there's a massive assumption that for folks over 18(ish), education equals college attendance equals college graduation. This lets us forget about quality public broadcasting, public libraries, community centers, rural (and urban) internet access, trade apprenticeships, and pretty much every collaborative educational effort that folks benefit from before, after, during, and/or in lieu of college.

And what's that Secretary Duncan? "We have to educate our way to a better economy"? Yes, investing in education would create more jobs in education, which would in turn stimulate the economy. I don't think that's what Duncan is talking about, though. AFAICT, he's spinning the tired yarn about how a more educated workforce leads to a more robust economy.

Sure, I guess. Maybe a little bit. This also strikes me as saying that you don't have a job because you're stupid (or uneducated, which is different, at least to me). This would be easier to swallow if I didn't know tons of people who are smart, well-educated, experienced, and exceedingly unemployed.

There's a real dark side to this "educational economy" perspective. Sure, folks in the future will need to know how to work the lasers in the laser-operated robot mines of tomorrow, and this will take some training. However, the real subtext I hear is that smart (slash educated) people will create jobs.

Creating jobs is not about intelligence or education. It's about having enough money to pay someone to do something. And :drumroll:.... having money is not exclusively a function of being educated, intelligent, good-smelling, or anything else, really. Of course, if we argue that wealth is solely a function of merit (as measured by education, which we assume is a function of intelligence), then yeah, it's pretty much axiomatic that a more educated populace will create more jobs.

If we realize that some folks who have a lot of money and power to burn aren't necessarily deserving of such, the wheels fall off in a hurry. Rather than simply arguing for more college degrees, our leaders would be pushing sustained and broad-based social change as the means of improving people's lives (you know, provided that improving the economy is about improving people's lives, which... yeah). Alas, we're stuck with victim blaming, and solutions that reinforce the concept that the underclass is inferior to those with power.

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Two Facts

1. Ross Douthat's brain is full of garbage.

2. The New York Times continues to publish that garbage.

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Two Minute Nostalgia Sublime



The B-52's: "Rock Lobster"

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The Dark Ages of America

CNN—U.S. electricity blackouts skyrocketing:

Throughout New York City, about 52,000 of ConEd's 3.2 million customers lost power during the heat wave. Triple-digit temperatures forced residents like 77 year-old Rui Zhi Chen, to seek shelter at one of the city's 400 emergency cooling centers. "It felt like an oven in my home and on the street," Chen said.

Should Americans view these kinds of scenarios as extraordinary circumstances -- or a warning sign of a darker future?

Experts on the nation's electricity system point to a frighteningly steep increase in non-disaster-related outages affecting at least 50,000 consumers.

During the past two decades, such blackouts have increased 124 percent -- up from 41 blackouts between 1991 and 1995, to 92 between 2001 and 2005, according to research at the University of Minnesota.

In the most recently analyzed data available, utilities reported 36 such outages in 2006 alone.

"It's hard to imagine how anyone could believe that -- in the United States -- we should learn to cope with blackouts," said University of Minnesota Professor Massoud Amin, a leading expert on the U.S. electricity grid.

...[U]tilities in New York Pennsylvania and New Jersey averaged 214 minutes of total interruptions each year. These figures don't include power outages blamed on tornadoes or other disasters.

But compare the U.S. data to Japan which averages only four minutes of total interrupted service each year. "As you can see, we have a long way to go," said Andres Carvallo, who played a key role in planning the smart grid in Austin, Texas.
Among the problems is the US' "lagging infrastructure," which Paul Krugman addresses in his column, "America Goes Dark."
[I]n a number of states, local governments are breaking up roads they can no longer afford to maintain, and returning them to gravel.

...We're told that we have no choice, that basic government functions — essential services that have been provided for generations — are no longer affordable. And it's true that state and local governments, hit hard by the recession, are cash-strapped. But they wouldn't be quite as cash-strapped if their politicians were willing to consider at least some tax increases.

...[T]he end result of the long campaign against government is that we've taken a disastrously wrong turn. America is now on the unlit, unpaved road to nowhere.
I will never cease to be amazed that the people who most loudly, garishly, ceaselessly claim to love America and be the "Real Americans" are the ones who evidently won't be satisfied until the United States crumbles into dust and ruin.

[Related Reading: Rehabilitating Bush, Crumble, Thank a Progressive for the Luxury of Your Disdain.]

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Shaker Help Request

Shaker Michelle emails:

I work as a birth and postpartum doula in the Ann Arbor, Michigan area, and I'm on attempting to find affordable maternity clothing for one of my clients. I wear the same sizes (20-24 US women's sizes or 2xish), but can't find a local place that is a decent price that has sizes that fit. I'm unfamiliar with what's reliable on-line, and I'm wondering if the Shakers have any suggestions.

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ARGH

So, Obama hired Larry "Girls Aren't Good at Math and Science" Summers (over lots of objections). And it turns out Summers SHOCKINGLY didn't listen to the sage advice of a brilliant woman, but instead edited her recommendations based on his opinion, because he is the Great Auditor of Women's Work or whatthefuckever.

Obama structured his administration to position misogynist men in places where they are the arbiters of women's work before it reaches him. And so now, surprise, he's getting shitty advice.

Gee, if only we'd known that Obama has a sexism problem.

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Tish Long to Head NGA, or First Woman to Head Major Intelligence Agency in United States

Crack in the ceiling etc.:

[Letitia "Tish" Long], who has spent 32 years in government service including more than two decades in the intelligence community, will take over as director of the National Geospatial-Intelligence Agency (NGA), the office responsible for collecting and analyzing overhead imagery and geospatial information.

Sen. Dianne Feinstein, chairwoman of the Intelligence Committee, said this is a historic first of a woman running a spy agency with a multi-billion dollar budget and thousands of employees.

"This is an important appointment, and I hope that she will bring a new and determined management ability to this agency," said Feinstein.

...John McLaughlin, the former CIA deputy director who worked with Long while she was at the agency, said Long was ideally suited for the job, because, "not only does she have a deep understanding of defense intelligence needs but assignments over the course of her career have given her a unique window into civilian intelligence as well."

He added: "A woman at the helm of one of our major intelligence agencies is a long overdue step recognizing that the contribution of women to intelligence success has long been equal to that of men."
Wow. Well (and unexpectedly) said, John McLaughlin!

I've got no idea what sort of positions on intelligence-gathering Long brings to the table (although warrantless wiretaps and national security letters haven't been as much at issue at the NGA by virtue of its purview), but I'm guessing that her positions don't significantly deviate from that of the administration (unfortunately). Still, I like this:
Long said the intelligence committee has benefited from including not just women, but minorities.

"The intelligence and defense communities have gained an incredible range of talents, skills, knowledge, and insight by welcoming not only women, but also more minorities, to the field," she said in a written answer to questions from CNN. "I believe that when you have a more diverse population exploring any type of intelligence problem, you will develop a broader and deeper range of solutions. I like to refer to that wider scope as 'cognitive diversity.'"
Nice.

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One More Reason Why Hippos Are Awesome

Because even alligators are afraid of them:


[Description of video: Mama hippo and her calf swim. Mama spots a gator nearby. She nudges the baby to a hiding spot. The gator pursues the calf. Mama hippo chases the gator (chases the gator!) away.]

[Cross-posted.]

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This is so the worst thing you're going to read all day.

Actual Headline: Gay marriage: Why Judge Walker got Proposition 8 ruling wrong.

Actual Subhead: "There's much to admire in Judge Walker's gay marriage opinion. But marriage doesn't exist to provide benefits for couples in love. Its purpose is to protect female sexuality and human liberty, and thus ensure the survival of the human race."

Actual Quote from Article:

Marriage is a necessary defense of a woman’s sexuality and her human liberty from determined assault by men who would turn her into a slave, a concubine – something less than fully human. Human communities need to give women some additional degree of protection – through law, custom, religious decree, or sacrament – generally some combination of all three, neatly summarized by the plaintiffs, who demanded the sacred and the eternal from the state of California.

Of course, marriage’s power to protect women is far from perfect, but no human institution is. Parents, too, sometimes do awful things to their children.
I'll take "Infantilizing Women" for $800, Alex.

[H/T to Shakers Allanah and Dan.]

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Open Thread

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Hosted by a ROCK LOBSTER!

DOWN, DOWN!

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Happy Birthday, Kate!



Happy Birthday to youuuuuuuuuuu!
Happy Birthday to youuuuuuuuuuu!
You look like a purveyor of the Radical Limp-Wristed Flipper Agendaaaaaa!
And you skate like one, too!

(huh?)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KATE!

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Open Thread

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Hosted by a danger sign.

This week's open threads have been brought to you by hippos.
Because I love hippos.

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Quote of the Day

"The Administration believes the public interest is best served by permitting the court's judgment to go into effect, thereby restoring the right of same-sex couples to marry in California. Doing so is consistent with California's long history of treating all people and their relationships with equal dignity and respect." — California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, asking Judge Vaughn Walker not to grant a stay in his ruling on Prop 8.

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Open Thread

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Hosted by Hungry Hungry Hippos.

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The Virtual Pub Is Open



TFIF, Shakers!

Belly up to the bar,
and name your poison!

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One Million Pounds of Ground Meat Recalled

From the USDA:

WASHINGTON, August 6, 2010 - Valley Meat Company, a Modesto, Calif. establishment, is recalling approximately one million pounds of frozen ground beef patties and bulk ground beef products that may be contaminated with E. coli O157:H7, the U.S. Department of Agriculture's Food Safety and Inspection Service (FSIS) announced today.

FSIS became aware of the problem on July 15 when the agency was notified by the California Department of Public Health (CDPH) of a small E. coli O157:H7 cluster of illnesses with a rare strain as determined by PFGE subtyping. A total of six patients with illness onset dates between April 8 and June 18, 2010 were reported at that time. After further review, CDPH added another patient from February to the case count, bringing the count to seven. FSIS is continuing to work with the CDPH and the company on the investigation. Anyone with signs or symptoms of foodborne illness should contact a health care provider.

[...]

The products subject to recall bear the establishment number "EST. 8268" inside the USDA mark of inspection as well as a production code of 27509 through 01210. These products were produced between the dates of Oct. 2, 2009 through Jan. 12, 2010 and were distributed to retail outlets and institutional foodservice providers in California, Texas, Oregon, Arizona and internationally.[...]
You can get a complete list of recalled products at the above USDA link.

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Viral Assvertising

(TW for ablist language, paternal virginity policing, multiple references to teacher/teen-student sexual contact, and very brief suggestion of potential violence which is evocative of anti-trans violence)

Jason Bateman and Will Arnett have a couple of videos infecting the internet — oh, wait, I guess the term is "viral videos", isn't it? Nah, I think I'll go with infecting. They are ads for Orbit gum. They are edgy. Edgy gum commercials. How can they fail to be a laff riot? Here is the first (transcript below the fold):


[The logo of Dumbdumb, Will Arnett and Jason Bateman's venture flashes on the screen, follow by “Dirty Shorts Presents” (Orbit logo)]

[An exterior shot of a quiet suburban home. A dog barks]

Mom: I wanted to come up here [inaudible] to show everyone [inaudible]

[Mom (Rachael Harris), Dad (Jason Bateman), and Teen (Aubrey Plaza) are in Teen's bedroom as she prepares for prom]

[On Screen: “The Prom Date”]

Teen: [Mom and Teen futz with Teen's dress] stop, stop

Dad: When did my beautiful girl turn into such a beautiful young woman?

Teen: [rolls eyes] Um, I don't know, it happened about four years ago, Dad. [Mom nods] Please don't talk like that in front of Skip, okay? This is my senior prom and I don't want my date to totally freak out.

Dad: Okay

Teen: I don't even want him to meet you.

Mom: Now I've spoken to him several times, and he seems very polite

Dad: I know honey, but these days, these boys know how to act all polite, and before you know it, they've got their facebook all up in your twitter.

Teen: Ugh, Is this a joke? Am I on America's Lamest Parents?

Dad: Nope.

Mom: [places hands on Teen's back] Your father and I care very much about you.

Teen: [shows disgust] Mom, your hands are sweaty.

Dad: We do, we care a great deal, we care that you're dating a boy that's worthy of our little angel, okay? Not some boy who only...

Teen: [interrupts] He's not some boy. He's my soulmate. [plays with hair] I've learned so much from him.

Dad: Hmm. I had a soulmate once. [Turning to mom] Did you meet Karen?

Mom: Yep.

Dad: The sole thing I wanted to do with her was mate.

Teen: [looks disgusted, interjects] What?!?

Dad: Do you understand what I'm saying? Ok, I had one thing on my mind that's all, and I guarantee you the only thing on this guy's mind is the same thing. So, let's honor the curfew, let's make sure you're in bed by 8 o'clock tonight.

Teen: Dad, the prom starts at 9.

Dad: Then you're not going.

Mom: Okay, well that does sound a little overprotective, sweetheart.

Teen: [under her breath] Sound overprotective? It's being overprotective.

Dad: Let's go with 10.

Teen: Ten?!? No way!

Dad: A solid hour. [Mom nods, annoyed with Dad but backing him up.]

Mom: Honey, relax. Here, have a piece of Orbit.

Dad: I don't care if I seem overprotective, [Mom is unwrapping a pack of Orbit] I'm your father for heaven's sakes. [Mom: I know, I...] I'm a father for heaven's sakes, [Mom finally opens the package of gum. A chime chimes.] You know [Dad holds a piece of gum in his hand] what I mean? [doorbell]

Dad:There's Skip!

Mom: Here we go!

Teen: God. [Starts to fix her hair]

Mom: No hairspray, please.

[Dad, Mom and Teen walk down a hallway]

Dad: Nothing good happens after 10, Katie. Sally, tell her.

Mom: Okay, well there was a man in a very [Dad: Not now] attractive van

Teen: What are you talking about? Mom, that's weird!

[Dad opens door]

Dad: Skip!

[Skip (Will Arnett) appears, wearing a tuxedo and what appears to be a fake moustache. He reaches out his arms, makes a creepy sound and heads to embrace Teen]

Teen: Mom, Dad, this is Skip.

Skip: Hi.

[Mom and Dad look annoyed]

Dad: That's Mr. McGovern from social studies.

Mom: Yeah.

[Skip shuts the door]

Skip: Skip McGovern! [Teen futzs with Skip's bow-tie] We are in the same social studies class.

Dad: [Mom stands next to Dad with her mouth agape, incredulous] You teach that class. I met you at parent-teacher night; you told me you were giving my daughter excellent marks.

Skip: Now nothing that a good set of leggings can't cover [wink].

Mom: Katie did say that the two of you were in school together. I just assumed it was a student.

Skip: That's a two-way street. Sometimes she does let me play student too. Isn't that right, kittykat? [Holds Teen]

Teen: [Quietly] Yeah.

Skip: Lines do get blurred, though. Sometimes it's kinda hard to know who's.. teaching.......is it who or whom?

Teen: I don't know.

Skip: Who gives a crap, right. What's important is...

Dad: I'm gonna stop you right there, Mr. McGovern.

Skip: Please, do call me Skip.

Dad: No. You seem very mature for my daughter.

Skip: Oh, thank you! I'm barely forty. This is a fake mustache, actually.

Dad: [uninterested] Is it?

Skip: It is. Truth be told, I'm kinda in the middle of a dicey breakup right now with a gal who... [loud, annoyed, incredulous] is suddenly shocked to find out that I don't want to move to Michigan with her and watch her go to college. It's like, I'm not in this for the long haul! [You're so.] Never have been! I've a free f**king spirit, man!

Dad: Here's the way the rest of this night's gonna go...

Mom: Jerry, take it easy Jerry. [places pack of gum in front of Dad's face, harp harps]

Dad: Thank you. You're gonna get inside your car, [puts gum in mouth] you're gonna drive away from here.

Skip: Boy, I'd like to get my paws on some of that gum, [creepily draws circles around mouth with finger] freshen up the old kisshole.

Mom: Sorry, it was the last piece.

Dad: Sorry, that was the last piece.

Teen: Did you bring the corsage?

Skip: No I did not. [rushes of to elsewhere in the room] Because I'm making you one!

Dad: I gotta tell you, honey. [music picks up in tempo, intensity] I've never felt so much... uncontrollable......

[music reaches crescendo, Mom and Dad turn to camera, teeth flicker, chime chimes]

Mom: Pride.

Dad: Yeah.

Mom: Yeah.

Dad: Yeah. In a school filled with immaturity, and piercings, and tattoos [mom flinches], she has chosen a man. Not a boy, okay. He's got an education, he's got a salary, he's got his own car.

Mom: A top-of-the-line mustache.

Dad: She's making such good decisions for a girl who's just recently turned 18. Could you feel any safer?

Mom: I know that I will sleep like a baby tonight. [Dad kisses Mom on the forehead.]

Dad: That makes two of us. [contented noise] And the twins in the crib.

Skip: Oh! What time to I need to bring recently legal back? [winks]

Mom: Huh. She may be our daughter, but she's your student, so...

Skip: Whenever I'm done teaching her huh...[laughs] By the way, for brekkies, I like a fresh muffin, [covers side of his mouth and talks under his breath while pointing to Teen] and somebody's addicted to sausage [laughs].

Teen: Hey. [Teen and Skip start to go through the door to the yard]

Dad: Ooh! Skip! Look what Jerry found. [Hands skip a piece of gum.]

Skip: [Looks amazed and deeply pleased] Now that is what I call getting lucky.

Teen: Come on.

[Skip and Teen are walking together on the lawn.]

Skip: I'm joking, would I call getting lucky what it actually... [unintelligible] [chime chimes, Skip and Teen stop dead in their tracks, Skip drops his arm from around Teen] Let's go to that prom and finding you a nice boy your own age to dance with.

Teen: Ewww.

Skip: [looking at Mom and Dad in the doorway] Don't you worry. I'll call when we get there, just to let you know that we got there safe.

Dad: Aw, Skip, you're the best.

Skip: You're the best.

Dad: You're the best.

Skip: You're best. You're doublin' besties. [laughs]

Mom: He called us the besties!

Dad: He did.

[sigh]

Dad: Maybe one day if we're lucky, he's gonna call us Mom and Dad.

Mom: Oh-ho-ho.

[Screen fades to black, displaying text: A good clean feeling no matter what. Then there are psychedelic backgrounds, presumably matching Orbit's new packaging. The new text reads: Orbit. A good clean feeling no matter what]


[End transcript]

He's her father, for Heaven's sake. That means he owns her most significant aspect, her reproductive organs. They are his, dammit — he spawned them. And no other male is going to get his nasty hands on them!

Well, we've all seen this before, eh? Oh, but clever plot twist! Her date isn't just any reproductive organ-filching guy — he's daughter's predatory, middle-aged teacher! Now the lulz can begin for realz!

Fortunately, lest this rampant competition between middle-aged men over teen-aged reproductive organs in a prom dress get messy, Orbit gum appears to instantaneously have all the effects of a powerful narcotic, without slowing you down a whit!

What's more, it also has the Jerry Maguire make-ya-wanna-be-a-better-man effect, too, so the predatory teacher breaks off his droll running commentary on the sexual acts he intends to engage in with his student, and decides to find her a nice boy her own age to dance with — whether she wants to or not. She is, after all, nothing but a set of reproductive organs in a prom dress, and therefore unfit to make any decisions for herself.

I hope you've recovered your breath after that Lol-a-thon, because here is the second quiet gem in this masterwork:


Transcript:

[The logo of Dumbdumb, Will Arnett and Jason Bateman's venture flashes on the screen

There is techno/porn-ish music playing. The screen shows the back of a pig-tailed woman in a red robe walking to a back stage area. Overlaid is the text: “Orbit Dirty Shorts presents”.]

Off-screen announcer: Whoo! Already boys! Can I have your attention for a young lady who's making her debut. [Text on screen: “The Dancer.” The crowd sounds raucous.]

[In a dressing room]

Stripper in Blue Robe: For a lunchtime crowd, those guys are out of control. You must be the new girl. [laughs quietly, cruelly] Tough crowd for your first dance. Hope it's not your last.

Stripper in Red: Actually [We hear a low voice. Stripper in Blue turns, confused and disgusted.]... [Suddenly we see the Stripper in Red. Surprise! It's Jason Bateman wearing some sort of cowgirl outfit and a tacky wig.] that's the plan.

Blue: Good luck.

Bateman: [plays with wig] Thank you, but it's not needed, because my gun [reaches to belt, pretends to pull out a gun] is loaded. [Bateman turns to the camera, showing that he's pulled out a pack of Orbit. There's some kind of funky westernish gunny sound.]

[Visual of someone in a tacky fur-ish robe coming through the curtains on to the stage. The crowd sounds excited. We see Bateman riding a child's hobby horse.]

[Guys at the bar are yelling woo-hoo and trying to make lasso motions with their hands. They seem pretty drunk. Bateman hops around on the toy horse.]

[Bateman grabs one of two stripper poles, and begins to kiss the horse. The guys yell approvingly.]

[Bateman taps the guys at the bar on the head with the horse and smiles. The guys are excited. They cheer and clap as Bateman continues to dance.]

Dude 1: [holding some money] I'm gonna get some kisses tonight, boys!

[Bateman takes of his vest. There's a close up of his legs in fishnets. The dudes continue to leer and yell.]

[Bateman puts his hat on Dude 2 and touches his nose.]

Dude 1: Hey cowgirl, why don't you and I hit the bridal path together?

Dude 3: I wanna hold your horses! [slaps dude on back]!

Dude 4: Hey honey, you got me posse-whipped! [Bateman bends down and shakes his chest.]

Back of room dude: She can corral me back to her bedroom anytime! [Dudes erupt: yeah!!!]

[Bateman crawls towards guy with cowboy hat as if to kiss him, pulls back and fans her nose as if guy's breath smells, flirts similarly with the other three dudes at the bar. The crowd approves.]

[Bateman lays with his back to the crowd and pulls out a pack of Orbit. As he unwraps various parts of it, a whip cracks]

[Close up as Bateman holds a piece of Orbit in his teeth for a dude to grab, she continues with other guys. There's a close up of Bateman's foot in red fishnets and high heels, as a guy grabs a piece of Orbit out of the shoe with his teeth. More gum for more dudes]

[[Bateman points her fingers at the crowd as if they were guns.]

Close up of smiling guy with sparkling teeth, a chime chimes.]

First Dude at bar: Oh, you must be cold. [takes of his sweater] Is it the air-conditioning? Hey, sweetheart, here, please, this is cashmere. [hands sweater to Bateman]

Third Dude: [Second dude at bar looks confused, suddenly there's lighter piano music and the dude does that Orbit teeth thingy, puts $100 bill on the bar] You don't have to worry about dinner tonight.

First dude: Tonight? What about the rest of the year? [lays huge gold watch on the bar]

Back row dude: [Back row dude does same tooth thing] Hey Lucy, do you have a car?

Bateman: [In falsetto, coyly] Barely

Back row dude: This is parked out back. [Bateman drops to knees as guy hands him car keys] Or if you don't like $150,000 cars, no big deal, just use that as a down payment on a house, okay.

[Bateman is outside backing up a silver convertible]

[Dudes yell stuff and wave: So long Lucy! Lucy! Take care of yourself! Thank you! Bye!]

[Bateman blows them a kiss, they seem appreciative.]

Bateman: Bye!

Hat dude: Lucy! Lucy! [Dude with cowboy hat is running after the car] Lucy! I felt bad, so I ran across the street and got you something I know you need. [pulls out a pack of Orbit] You gave us all your Orbit.

Bateman: [looks surprised and happy] Oooh!

Hat dude: [pulls gum back, hold out his finger] This time, I get to feed you.

[Bateman looks concerned, then terrified, looks shiftily at the guys fawning over him]

Bateman: [In an even higher falsetto than before] I'll have to leave right away, okay, no long good byes. Just the gum and then off I go. [Music turns ominous]

Hat dude: Okay [gets out gum]

Bateman: Alright?

Hat dude: Yeah

Bateman: Ok. [Bateman takes gum in his mouth makes yum sound. He speeds off as the guys clap and cheer and wave goodbye.]

[There's a chime sound, and the car stops. Bateman steps out.]

Bateman: [In a typically Batemanish voice] Alright, come and get your keys, your sweater, your cash and your watch.

[Dudes look confused]

Dudes in unison: Lucy?!?

[Bateman pulls off wig]

Bateman: It's Larry. Let's do it. [music gets tense, guys stare and smile and chew gum]

First dude: Ah! It was a gag! [music is soft and happy, dudes fall over each other in appreciative laughter] This [unintelligible] was playing around with us.

Bateman: I don't know how to undo, whose watch is this, is this yours?

Some dude: This guy! [laughter]

Bateman: Tough clasp. [hands watch back]

[Screen fades to black, displaying text: A good clean feeling no matter what. Then there are psychedelic backgrounds, presumably matching Orbit's new packaging. The new text reads: Orbit. A good clean feeling no matter what]


[End transcript]

Now, this is just sweet. These menfolk are looking at Bateman-the-stripper as nothing more than an object of lust, until the gum has its magical character-building effect on them and, as eastsidekate (who sent me these links) said, they "fall over themselves to respect him (by giving him their property)". Because that is what respect is all about to the ladies, right? Give us your stuff!

The sweetness is ever-so-subtly, um, spiced with that leetle moment after Bateman takes off the wig and confesses he's Larry, not Lucy, which suggests the possibility that the five men, having been deceived by this man-in-a-dress into finding him-in-the-guise-of-her sexually attractive, may do something . . . unpleasant to Bateman. But thank all that is good and holy in the world for gum! Because vigorous chewing makes that moment just pass right on by, and they and we can all have a good laugh!

The sad thing is, some people have no appreciation for humor, especially humor of the edgy and ironic variety. They will totally overlook the fact that it's cis, heterosexual men behaving crassly in these videos, get their panties in a twist and start hysterically seeing "misogyny" and "transphobia" in them. You just can't win with some folks, because they are irrational and brainless, being nothing more than sets of reproductive organs, whether of the "right" kind or the "wrong" kind, and reproductive organs are notoriously irrational and have no sense of humor whatsoever.

Pity the poor edgy marketing person. Gum is not a very edgy product. Gum is kind of . . . gummy. So you try to have a little fun with sex, being all 21st century and edgy and shit, and these humorless, sex-hating prudes predictably start freaking out (which is just part of the fun, innit?)

Except these purveyors of gum and video infection are not having a little fun with sex. There's no sex in these videos. None whatsoever. That would be edgy. You want to be funny and bold and actually take some risks, rather than make fun of the risks less powerful people have no choice but to live with? Put some actual sex in your videos, and get creatively funny about it, rather than exploitative.

There's plenty of room for that, because unlike playing for laughs the male struggle for ownership of female sexuality, predation by male authority figures on young girls, the lying, gold-digging sex worker who has all the power over men oblivious in the grasp of sexual desire, and the "natural" cis-het male instinct to murder one of those deceptive-guys-in-a-dress-if-you-know-what-we-mean-no-what-did-you-think-we-meant-it's-just-a-joke-it's-Jason-Bateman-for-Chrissake, combining genuine human sexuality with genuine humor has not been the basis for some raggedy-ass joke somewhere on this planet approximately every five seconds since the emergence of the patriarchy.

Oh, but you don't really want to take any risks at all yourselves, do you, you tired makers of tired ads? You just want to make fun of the same old same-old, i.e. women and those who you have deemed are supposed to be guys but are too much like ladies or wanna be ladies or some fucked up non-guy-being thing.

I dunno. Did those videos leave you with "a good clean feeling"? Me, not so much.

Transcripts by eastsidekate.

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