Shakesville

For Posterity

You all remember Xanadouche, don't you? Of course you do: it's the greatest work of art since that douchebag on Top Art made those concrete buttholes. In fact, I declare this to be officially better than concrete buttholes! So, yay.

And if I haven't already told you (I haven't) this is a pretty regular occurrence. I never know what is going to be in my inbox when I wake up. Just this morning I received this awesome photo accompanied by the blurb "Please find attached a picture of what is supposed to be Thor pulling his magical hammer from a stone, but actually looks like something else altogether. Way to release promotional images, Studio! Very cool!" The image, by the way, is not very cool at all:

[Some muscled dude (Thor?) pulls his magical hammer (I can't believe I really just typed the words "magical hammer") from a giant steaming pile of ~~pooh~~ mud. The lump says "I feel like hammered shit!!"]

I officially declare this to be the greatest thing since Xanadouche. Or at least last week when this showed up:

[John Travolta with his fly down. "Good Morning!"]

And in weeks previous there were these:

[A roadside marquee for some sad ass club where some sad ass local band named Nawty will be playing. Good night!]

["Good morning from Howie Mandel and a baby chimpanzee."]

[A Jermaine Jackson LP cover with the text "Good morning from Jermaine Jackson, a man who named his son Jermajesty."]

[Hiscox Service and Parts. Why? Because we're both 12 years old. Derrr...]

["A sign for Quick Rod Electric Sewer Rodding (that's what she said)." Why? Because we're both 12 years old. Double derrr...]

["Good morning from your boyfriend, Bobcat Goldthwait." Bobcat Goldthwait is not my boyfriend. (But he wishes. Triple derrr...)]

[Image of sign reading Butthole Lane. "This is where you live. (Good morning!)" This one is true.]
So, there you go. For posterity. Now you know what I go through all the time. Give me a cookie if you want. Or don't. Whatever. Just don't send me any pictures.

Woman dates man, has vaginal orgasms

[Trigger warning for transphobic othering]

So last night I was reorganizing my back issues of Maxim when Liss alerted me to this important story that Irin at Jezebel had [tw] deconstructed. Apparently this journalist and his friend Ryan like the ladies, which is great, because ladies are hot amirite?

Back in 2008, the journalist wrote [tw] this story about this major hottie, titled "The Second Most Beautiful Girl in New York.” At first I was honored, but then I realized this was probably one of those times when downstaters say “New York” when they really mean “New York City.” Look, just because you can't find Utica on a map, it doesn't give you the right to erase me, okay? Asshole.

In any case, there's a picture, and he's right, his friend's girlfriend is almost as hot as Candice Cayne. I sure as hell wouldn't throw that out of bed for aging. Of course, Cayne is originally from Hawai'i, which isn't even part of America, but I digress.

Still, this dude's girlfriend was “totally fucking hot.” Back in the day, she had this hideous beast between her legs, which confused the crap out of her. I usually break out the kibble when my cats get all up in my business, but I suppose that's just me.

Anyways, back in 2003 this lady went to a Dr. Meltzer and paid him $16,000 to make her a vagina.

Whut.

$16,000?!? I remember when I was a wee trans girl, my great trans mother used to tell me stories about the old country, where the fish were plentiful and vaginas were three for a dollar. All the ladies had perky breasts, and the bread at local market? Oh my goodness, to taste it was to die and go to heaven. But I digress, because none of this is very important. Unless of course you're Spencer Morgan and you're writing this totes important profile of this lady your bro' used to date back when he was all "emotionally distant" and shit.

It turns out this lady spent $50,000 to go on a date with Mr. Morgan's friend, unless I'm misreading something. In any case, there were vaginal orgasms. And really, isn't that what it's all about? I wouldn't know, but that's what I've read in Cosmo.

I didn't believe it, but apparently guys have issues with ladies with surgically-made vaginas. Weird right? I mean, I know a lot of ladies with real vaginas, and none of them have had any problems with guys, and I've got a penis and I get hit on all the fucking time (not cool guys-- it totally kills my game with the ladies). Anyhow, apparently dudes don't like ladies like this one, this Jamie Clayton chick.

Okay, I exaggerated. Mr. Morgan's friend, Ryan, likes Ms. (it's Ms., right?) Clayton, cause he's a totally hip dude. Not only did he like Jamie, but he also respected her, on account of how she saved $16,000 to buy a vagina. ($16,000? Does it come with a sub-compact car? Christ.) Anyhow, we find out that Ryan's totally like David Bowie, presumably in that he wears eyeliner and objectifies women.

I work for the government, so I can't afford cable TV. Apparently, this Jamie Clayton is on a TV show on the Video Hits One? It's pretty cool-- she goes around and makes over people who aren't as hot as her. I'd totally watch it if I had the money, I love fantasizing about clothes I can't afford. Of course, I'm trans, so that comes with the territory. And shoes! OMFG shoes! When I get a job in the private sector (and what trans lady doesn't have a job in the private sector, right?), I shall have cable, and I shall have many shoes.

Anyhow, Spencer Morgan know a guys who probably slept with Jamie Clayton, and probably gave her vaginal orgasms, and he's also got a newspaper column, so...... This Tuesday he decided to debate whether Ms. Clayton has gotten all uppity and shit. Well, uppity within the context of being a “totally fucking hot transsexual.”

Apparently, that first article was a pretty big deal. Did you know there are trans people on the internet? I know, right? Anyhow, they all seemed to like it and shit. They love her new show, too! How could they not, there are shoes, right?

Aside from a few feminists at this lady blog who are feeling oppressed n' junk, folks seemed to love this hot lady. Feminists suck though. They all hate the trans ladies. Losers.

Apparently there are people who don't like the word “tranny”? I mean, Jamie's cool with it and all. And she even has vaginal orgasms. With a $16,000 vagina. Does that include, like, chrome labia? That seems really fucking expensive. How do those ladies come up with the money to do that? I guess you really need to consider these things from a per-orgasm perspective. Like, if you have a vagina for 50 years, and you have 20 vaginal orgasms a week (that's normal, right?), that works out to about 31 cents an orgasm. That's pretty cheap when you think about it.

Oh, and also Jamie's sister worries that someone might kill Jamie, lol.

But that's not important. What's important is finding out what this one guy that Jamie dumped thought of her. He thinks that she's pretty cool for a “tranny”, but the other trannies are probably still icky. He's not gay, BTW. Wait, she dumped this dude?

After getting through those two articles, I contemplated retiring from the blogosphere, what with the downfall of the standard trans narrative(TM), the end of tokenism, and the resolution of all those other reasons my great trans mother left the old country. Then I remembered that I apparently have to come up with $16,000. As it turns out, they don't actually let you do a monthly per-vaginal-orgasm plan like the phone company does. Which they really should. I guess the feminists that run these things figure there might be some sort of bodily-integrity value behind ladybits, so now they demand cash up front. Assholes.

Via.

Two More Accusations Against Gore Surface

[Trigger warning for description of sexual assault.]

The National Enquirer is reporting that they have unearthed allegations of sexual assault from two other massage therapists:

The first incident allegedly took place at a Beverly Hills
luxury hotel when Gore, 62, was in Hollywood to attend the Oscars in 2007.

The second reportedly occurred a year later at a hotel in Tokyo.

A Beverly Hills hotel source told The ENQUIRER: "The therapist claimed that when they were alone, Gore shrugged off a towel and stood naked in front of her. He pointed at his erect penis and ordered her, 'Take care of THIS.'"

As Jaclyn notes, the Enquirer says the story is "on newsstands now," but their current issue doesn't feature the story. So no more information is available, I presume until the new issue arrives in stores.

Almost certainly, the veracity of the new allegations will be questioned on the basis that they're only being made now, reviving that fun old seeking-fame-by-making-rape-allegations chestnut. But, a couple of points: Delayed reporting of sexual assault does not correlate with the veracity of the allegation, particularly when there is a strong disincentive (such as the perpetrator being a famous and/or powerful man) from reporting at all.

Also, the Enquirer, in its lurid, breathless style—which is seriously distressing when reading about sexual assault allegations—opens its piece with:

The ENQUIRER reports in an exclusive bombshell exclusive that police have investigated charges from TWO MORE WOMEN who claimed they were abused by former VP AL GORE!

That suggests to me that the allegations were not made recently, but discovered recently and are thus only being made widely public now.

After the first allegation was made public, the story got about 1 minute of coverage approximately 15 minutes in the broadcast of the evening news on the local (Chicago) NBC affiliate, which was fairly typical of the media coverage generally. I will be interested to see if the story is pursued with more vigor now, or if the media will, inexplicably, continue to behave as if they believe Gore, a man they've framed as a "serial exaggerator" and "liar" for more than a decade, is suddenly being truthful about this.

Open Thread

Hosted by R.E.M. and EastsideKate.

Question of the Day

Riffing off yesterday's QotD...

What's the worst investment you've ever made?

As before, it doesn't have to be a financial investment; it could be an investment of time or trust or something else of value to you.

Who is it that wants special rights again...?

Like, say, the right to refuse to do your job but get to keep it nonetheless:

A Texas bus driver has filed a lawsuit against his former employer, claiming he was fired for his religious beliefs after refusing to transport a client to a Planned Parenthood office, court documents showed Wednesday.

Edwin A. Graning worked for the Capital Area Rural Transportation System (CARTS) near Austin, Texas, for less than a year before he was let go in January. At the time, he told his supervisor that, "in good conscience, he could not take someone to have an abortion," according to the lawsuit.

...Graning's last day of employment was the same day he refused service.

He is seeking reinstatement, back pay, and compensatory damages for pain, suffering and emotional distress.

Calls to CARTS seeking comment on the lawsuit were not immediately returned.

"It's only because he voiced his religions beliefs that he was canned," Edward White III, Graning's lawyer, told CNN. "Employers have a legal responsibility to at least attempt to accommodate an employee's religious beliefs. ... CARTS clearly violated Mr. Graning's religious freedom."

Bullshit. A Christian who doesn't like abortion doesn't have the right to refuse to take someone to Planned Parenthood any more than an anti-theist would have the right to refuse to take a Catholic to mass. The job is taking people where they want to go. Some of them will be going places where they will be doing things with which their driver may disagree.

I wonder if Mr. Graning asked every one of his passengers exactly what they were planning to do once he dropped them at their destinations, to ensure it was in keeping with his personal beliefs. Something tells me that's a special thing he did just for his (assumed to be) pregnant female passenger heading to Planned Parenthood.

I'm also curious how he knew that she was going there for an abortion. Did she really volunteer that information, or did he just assume because he's an ignorant fuck who doesn't know that Planned Parenthood also provides health services to pregnant and not-pregnant women?

Btw: WTF CNN? "Planned Parenthood, a health care provider that offers a range of medical services to women, including those related to abortion, often draws the ire of anti-abortion groups in the United States, where the procedure is legal but fiercely controversial." Eat me.

Today's Edition of "Conniving and Sinister"

See Deeky's archive of all previous Conniving & Sinister strips here.
[In which Liss reimagines the long-running comic "Frank & Ernest," about two old straight white guys "telling it like it is," as a fat feminist white woman (Liss) and a biracial queerbait (Deeky) telling it like it actually is from their perspectives. Hilarity ensues.]

And the Saga Continues...

Shirley Sherrod just got a job offer:

Ousted employee Shirley Sherrod says Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack has offered to hire her back.

Sherrod told The Associated Press she's considering the offer, which she said was for a different position than her former post as state director of rural development in Georgia.

In other news, the White House is reported to have received a video of Andrew Breitbart dressed like Pennywise the Clown with a huge shit stain on the front of his outfit, addressing the crowd at a neo-Nazi rally.

Or maybe it's NOT him behind that clown make-up. Who can really say for sure? Two sides to every story! I say it's him. FACT.

Yes, He Has No Bamas

Elena Kagan is:

a) a woman

b) Jewish

c) a person who has had a very accomplished, very mainstream legal career

Nevertheless, Frank Gaffney believes , or purports to, that she is a one-man secret radical Islamist sleeper cell (she must be a man, 'cause she wears turbans), plotting to impose Shariah law on the U.S. And the Washington Times wants you to believe it, too.

Why? It's generally accepted that Kagan's nomination to the Supreme Court will shortly be confirmed by the Senate. Neither Gaffney nor the W. Times can stop it now.

But, damnit, people, Breitbart can't take apart the Obama administration one employee at a time all by himself! Ok, he does have Obama's help, and that of a number of other administration officials. But it's a big government. In order to keep those dominoes falling at the necessary pace, the "Be Afraid! Obama and His Band of Secret Muslim Terrorists are coming to get you!" drumbeat has to keep going at a feverish pace.

As has been clearly established, the stories don't have to be true, they just have to be scary. Black racist, communist, Nazi, Muslim terrorist Shariah-imposers are after you! And your money! And you wimminfolk! As long as the purveyors of this crap keep the pace of the scary up, the Obama administration will apparently keep firing people to look less scary to the people who believe these things.

And the President's plan is working great. See the 2nd comment, left by the oh-so-clever-wordsmith "Klimax", to Gaffney's second W. Times column on the subject.

NObama has already put one member sympathetic to the Hispanic cause on the Supreme Court and now he is trying to sneak in someone who is in line with the Islamic cause !! The scary thing is it is a lifetime appointment and both woman (sic) have a long way to go !! Nobama is trying to set things up so he can influence the courts decisions after he is out of office and it would not surprise me to see NObama try and change the term limits of the Presidential office to something like 5 terms even though he will be gone in 2012 !!!!!

Did you follow this commenter's logic carefully? OK, trick question — there isn't any. NObama (see what the clever one did there? That play on Obama's name, which drolly insinuates that, uh, . . . that our President doesn't have a bama! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!)

Also, President No-Bamas-Here is going to sneakily try to change the law so presidents can serve five terms, even though he himself will not be taking advantage of that! Just 'cause he can!

And President Totes-Bama-Less is doing something even more dastardly than that! He is picking Supreme Court nominees who are unlikely to drop dead immediately after he leaves office, so that he can influence the Court even when he's no longer President! Would an honorable, Bama-possessing President do such a thing? HELL, no — it's unprecedented!

His first pick was sympathetic to the Hispanic cause (I don't actually know what that is, but if you know any Hispanics, you could just casually ask them if there happens to be a cause they are interested in. Evidently there's just the one.) And now — ooh, he's a sneaky Pete, this Nary-a-Bama character — now he's picked a Jewish lawyer who is "in line with the Islamic cause!!" (Again, there is but one. They are single-minded, the enemies of our people!)

Who would ever suspect a Jewish woman of being "in line with the Islamic cause"?! I mean, besides Gaffney, and Andrew McCarthy, and the W. Times and Gaffney's astute commenter — who?!

These are the people our Bama-free president has so devoted himself to placating and even wooing. He will fire anyone he has to, carefully filter out any semblance of progressivism before he proposes legislation, let it be negotiated down from there by Republications who will then not vote for it anyway, reinsert a ban on the availability of coverage for abortion in the insurance pools being created for people with pre-existing conditions, despite the defeat of the Stupak amendment, hobnob with homophobic preachers, ignore the damage being done both to the lives of military personnel who have served honorably and to the military itself by DADT, sneer at progressives and those who insist he find at least one campaign promise he's willing to keep — and for what?

Because someday, the scales will fall from the eyes of the Gaffney's, and the Fox Newsies, and the W. Timesies and its clever commenters, yea, even from the eyes of Congressional Republicans themselves, and they will believe in the hopiness of change and the platitudes of bipartisanship!

On that great day, our nation will come together to rebuild the federal government by re-hiring everyone fired to appease a right-wing liar, thereby slashing unemployment; we'll cut taxes and abolish the deficit; CEO's will create jobs for everybody and give back their bonuses so all workers can have raises; health care and college will be free and available to all; and we will all — not just the President who brought us together into one great big goop of bipartisanity, but every last one of us, have a Bama. I'm going to name mine Klimax.

Wednesday Blogaround

This blogaround brought to you by Shaxco, publishers of Liss' Big Book of Recipes of Things She Hasn't Cooked for Deeky.

Recommended Reading:

Fannie: Constructing Manliness as Authenticity

Andy: Senate Judiciary Committee Confirms Elena Kagan

PhDork: Hope on the HIV Front?

Bree: How About "Let's Not Shame" Instead

Resistance: Vernon J. Baker, 1919-2010

Melissa: The Sylvia Chronicles: 30 Years of Graphic Misbehavior from Reagan to Obama by Nicole Hollander

Leave your links in comments...

Quote of the Day

"[Fox News] intended exactly what they did. They were looking for the result they got yesterday. I am just a pawn. I was just here. They are after a bigger thing; they would love to take us back to where we were many years ago. Back to where black people were looking down, not looking white folks in the face, not being able to compete for a job out there and not be a whole person."—Shirley Sherrod, on Fox's Fair and Balanced News Coverage.

[H/T to Shakers SamanthaB and acallidryas.]

Daily Dose o'Cute

The reason why Alfie is smiling so nicely is because he has finally mastered the evil stairs! He is also starting to come out of his shell a bit, spending more time with us outside of his crate. Today is his first checkup with our vet, so we're looking forward to hearing about a clean bill of health!

But check out this little nugget of awesome:

I was interested in what Alfie's racing career was like before we adopted him, and I heard there were places online where you could find this info. Sure enough, the site of choice is Greyhound-Data. This site is basically an international registry of all known racers, going back several decades. Searching by his racing name, Stay Away Joe, I found a lot of information about him. In addition to his racing stats (124 races - yikes!), they list his family tree going back 5 generations.

Just for shits and grins I decided to look up Dudley on the same site by his racing name, Mulberry Judd. So, while looking at Dudz's family tree I noticed something completely unbelievable:

Alfie and Dudley share the same ancestry 5 generations back through two sires and one dam from Ireland!! They're totally cousins!!

How wild is that?!

You Know What You Need?

Star Wars on a subway:

Actors from Improv Everywhere re-enact the iconic scene of Leia and Vader's first meeting in Star Wars. Background and behind the scenes info here.

[H/T to RedSonja.]

I Write Letters

Dear Andrew Corsello,

WHAT?!

And I thought Ben Stein's piece was going to be the stupidest heap of garbage I read all day. Clearly, I wildly underestimated your ability to pen such a spectacularly privileged piece of wankery. Well done, sir, and my apologies.

Awed,
Liss

Obama Will Sign Financial Reform Bill Today

Yay. That might have an exclamation point at the end of it if Senate Democrats hadn't "made lots of deals, which watered down the bill. For example, Wall Street banks will get wiggle room to make limited risky bets, which is tougher than the current law, but weaker than earlier drafts."

Still. Compared to doing nothing, it's something. Huzzah.

Two Minute Nostalgia Sublime

Tubeway Army : "Are 'Friends' Electric?"

Wow

Andrew Breitbart, he of the mendaciously doctored video that got Shirley Sherrod shitcanned, is not apologizing for his role in the creating the deception that Sherrod is a racist. Instead, he's doubling-down on the assault on her character, now suggesting she may be lying:

You tell me as a reporter how CNN put on a person today who purported to be the farmer's wife? What did you do to find out whether or not that was the actual farmer's wife? I mean, if you're going to accuse me of a falsehood, tell me where you've confirmed that had this incident happened 24 years ago. [...]

You're going off of her word that the farmer's wife [who has come to her defense] is the farmer's wife [who she referenced in the story]?

Just...wow.

[H/T to Spudsy.]

Pallas's Kittens Are Out and About

fluffy grey kitten with its paws on the edge of a wooden box

One of four Pallas's Cat kittens from the Wildlife Heritage Foundation stands outside the nesting box. Image is resized; the original is from ZooBorns.

Image description: a fluffy grey kitten with blue-green eyes and long claws stands beside a pale wooden box with its front paws up on the box's top edge.

ZooBorns has a great three part series about a litter of four Pallas's cats from the Wildlife Heritage Foundation in the UK. Born on May 28th, the kittens have now ventured forth from their nesting box. ZooBorns has many photos and videos. If you need an emergency dose of cute, this should do it.

The Pallas's Cat, or manul, is an endangered wild cat of Central Asia. High endemic toxoplasmosis in the cats makes successful reproduction difficult both in the wild and in captivity (here is but one example from the Denver Zoo). The Pallas Cat Study and Conservation Program has lots of information.

Sequel to Avatar: The Last Airbender

...there's to be a sequel to Avatar: The Last Airbender.

No, not the hopeless drecky whitewashed mess of bullshit that M. Night spewed out this summer - a new animated series by the same creative team that produced the first series.

This one will feature a teenage girl Avatar, apparently a waterbender, who is described as "hotheaded, independent and ready to take on the world". Given their history of superbly progressive work, this looks like a Very Good Thing Indeed.

In fact, this is Awesomitude to the W00t-th power (A_w^w00t).

Tip of the CaitieCap to Racebending for the news.

The View from Mt. Bootstrap Is Beautiful This Time of Year

This is why I am not a conservative. Every single thing about this—every idea, every prejudice, every stereotype, every expression of unexamined privilege, every drop of oozing sanctimony—makes me want to barf.

Fuck you, Ben Stein. Fuck. You.