Happy Belated Independence Day, you collection of tree-hugging limousine liberals, pinko Commies, dope fiends, queerbaits, ladyboys, fat chicks, feminazi castrators, and assorted freaks. I know I'm three days late and fifty cents short as usual, but I blew off the tip of my index finger again and it took like nine years to find it and get it sewn back on and shit.
Anyways, I love the 4th of July. It's the greatest thing this country ever invented. Besides fireworks. I'll light the fuck out of a roman candle any day of the year, but on the Fourth I don't have to worry that one of the Boys in Blue dropping by for weed or ammo will get all officious on me and shit. One week before the damn Fourth, and I had to give away all my Pamela Gorman bullets to that goddamn pig Lance Butz so's he wouldn't write me up. Just because I was shooting bottle rockets at the Cooter twins across the road at the Gas n' Sip. Whatever.
When I was a kid, I was a huge fan of cherry bombs and would blow shit up with them all the time. Once I put one in the refrigerator in the garage and totally destroyed all of the old man's Coors. He was pissed. Ha! Good times.
Nowadays I can't even look at a cherry bomb on account of the way they remind me of my ex, Cherry. I dated her between me and my ex-wife/fiancée Tammy's second and third engagement between our first and second marriage. You know those crazy bitches that real funny stand-up comedians always talk about…? Like, "Women try to trap men by getting pregnant and buy lots of shoes and nag your ass about stupid shit?" Or whatever. I'm not a joke-writer. Anyways, that was totally Cherry. Which is why I bought this for the holiday:
[Image of box of fireworks called "Psycho Girlfriend" featuring giant red-haired woman.]
Check that shit out! It was pretty awesome, except for how the box is misleading. Buyer beware: A giant woman doesn't shoot out of it and stomp the fuck out of everything, but whatever. It was still pretty cool.
I also picked up this one too:
[Image of box of fireworks called "Dream Machine" featuring blond woman on motorcycle.]
I had to give my bike to some reprobate last year because of some shit-ass deal that went bad. Fucking hippies. This lady kind of reminded me of Cherry, too, which was a bonus. I almost didn't light it off, the picture was so sweet. It would have looked so good on the headboard of my waterbed, but you only live once. Plus, I had all this extra beer for the festivities and it didn't seem right drinking it without the fireworks. Not on the Fourth.
I got one other thing:
[Image of box of fireworks called "Evil Empire" advertising "shoots flaming balls."]
I fucking hate Saddam bin Laden. I wish they'd catch his ass and bring our troops home from Somalia already. So this Evil Empire set was awesome. Colors weren't very patriotic, though. Green? Green fireworks suck. What is this—France? HIGH FIVES!
I was really excited about the "flaming balls," though.
Oh, yeah, and I almost forgot. My ex-wife/fiancée Tammy's niece was over for the weekend and if you got kids I recommend this shit:
[Image of pink backpack stuffed with fireworks, labeled "Girl's Backpack."]
It's perfect for girls because it's pink and shit. And all the fireworks were called "friendship flowers" and "hello pussies" and junk like that, which girls are into.
For boys, just get 'em the regular fireworks. Otherwise, they might go gay.
With regard to the earlier thread on Blizzard's latest WoW Fail, I asked Shaker Norbizness, who mentioned in comments he was "trying out different superhero mmos" and finding "the levels of freedom and customization are much higher," if he would be interested in providing a brief review by way of introduction to a Discussion Thread. Norbiz replied (which I am publishing with his permission):
My superhero mmos are basically City of Heroes/City of Villains and its successor, Champions online. From any sort of feminist/disability/heteronormative perspective, it suffers superficially from the same tropes that plague pen-and-paper comics. The thing that partially redeems it is the unbelievable level of customization for your characters; literally trillions of combinations with all body types, species, colors, and even robotic. As a result, Cryptic Studios (I have no affiliation with them apart from not wanting the game to die because of the WoW monopoly) has made it that you can create characters that transcend whatever norm there is. I'm fairly certain that it's a minor game compared to the number of subscribers Warhammer, Star Trek Online, and especially WoW have.
DC Universe Unlimited is coming out in November, and I've seen the screenshots. If you didn't like Power Girl's and Wonder Woman's outfits before, the game is certainly no different on the surface from your typical DC comic. I will probably try it out in beta in the next couple of months and can tell you whether it offers the same opportunities for customization and individual experience that are lacking in many of the fantasy games.
For those interested, DC is rolling out their product here, and Champions online is here.
I know there are a lot of Shakers who play superhero mmos (including Spudsy, who loves playing a supervillain), so please feel free to make your recommendations and add your reviews in comments.
See Deeky's archive of all previous Conniving & Sinister strips here.
[In which Liss reimagines the long-running comic "Frank & Ernest," about two old straight white guys "telling it like it is," as a fat feminist white woman (Liss) and a biracial queerbait (Deeky) telling it like it actually is from their perspectives. Hilarity ensues.]
Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal has signed a bill that will allow people to bring guns into houses of worship.
[The "gun-in-church" bill] authorizes persons who qualified to carry concealed weapons having passed the training and background checks to bring them to churches, mosques, synagogues or other houses of worship as part of a security force.
Jindal also signed some stupid shit—like a law outlawing "synthetic marijuana-like incense products"—and chipped away at Roe by signing into law a bill "requiring women to get an obstetric ultrasound before an abortion," which makes the implicit invocation of Dr. Tiller by the other law somehow that much more painful.
If you said this guy, give yourself a cigar slice of watermelon:
Gallagher? Whut? Huh? The guy who used to smash produce with a sledgehammer back in the Eighties? Yes, him. Now he smashes other things. More symbolic things. At a recent show in Washington:
Gallagher gets a tin pie plate. He opens a giant can of fruit cocktail and pours it in. He opens a can of some Asian vegetable — water chestnuts, maybe — and pours that in, too. "This is the China people and queers!!!" he screams and takes his sledgehammer to the thing with a fury that is no fun at all.
What the fuck? China people and queers? Okay. So, who else is on Gallagher's shit list? The President, for one. "You ain't black. I don't care what you say — you're a latte. You're half whole-milk. It could be goat milk — you could be a terrorist!" He continues, "If Obama was really black, he'd act like a black guy and get a white wife!" Wow.
And if you have a tattoo, Gallagher doesn't like that either: "That ink goes through to your soul — if you read your Bible, your body is a sacred temple, you dipshit." I'm not sure what the Bible says about calling people dipshits.
Gallagher also doesn't like lesbians (I think): "There's two types — the ugly ones and the pretty ones."
And he really doesn't like trans folk. Especially fat trans folk. "People like Cher's daughter — figure that out. She wants a penis, but she has a big belly. If you can't see your dick, you don't get one."
Gallagher on foreigners: "Look around — see any Mexicans? Nope. They'll be here later for the cleanup." And: "[The French] ruin our language with their faggy words." Yes, Gallagher really hates fags.
He leans into it with the borderline-nonsensical, icked-out, ignorant glee of a boy — or the protest-too-much vigor of a GOP senator. Gallagher delivers your Bible verse for the day: "Without God, we are nothing but dust. What is butt dust? Is that what you get if your homosexual isn't properly lubricated?" He relates a story about spilling mouthwash onto his crotch during a show: "Lucky for me, there was no homosexuals in the area — 'cause my balls was minty fresh."
Christ.
Back in the Eighties, Gallagher was pretty-much harmless (assuming you weren't a watermelon), but he's now moved into very dangerous territory. (The author describes a moment when the show "veers creepily close to white-power rhetoric: 'We're descended from an Anglo-Saxon Viking tradition!') There is no joke in smashing a plate full of veggies and saying "this is China people and queers." That's just hatred. Rage and hatred: visceral, primal. And dangerous.
[Trigger warning for fat hatred and discussion of disordered eating.]
Apple is offering a great new app for the iPhone charmingly called FatBooth. The app allows users to turn headshots of thin people into fat people! Because fat people are hilarious, amiright?!
Naturally, the app doesn't say it only turns thin people into fatties, because the description assumes it's speaking only to thin people—or, as we monstrous non-human fatties are meant to think of them, just "people."
Tired of diets?! Get fat instantly with FatBooth (by the creators of AgingBooth, #1 Top Paid App in more than 25 countries). What would you look like with a "few" extra pounds? And what about your friends? Find out with FatBooth, a fun way to instantly supersize faces on your iPhone or iPod Touch. Use FatBooth on family, friends or colleagues photos and share them via email, MMS, FaceBook, Twitter.
Won't it just be hilarious to harass your family and friends (and colleagues?!) by showing pictures of them all fat and shit?! That's comedy gold, baby.
Apart from the evident fat hatred implicit in treating fat people as objects of ridicule, inherently laughable simply by virtue of their appearance, the exhortation to "fatten" other people and publicly post pictures of them is wildly irresponsible. There are millions of people in the US alone with eating disorders, most of which aren't self-evident and many of which could be triggered by the unexpected receipt of a "fattened" picture of oneself. What uproarious fun to trigger a slim person who battles every day against binge eating; what a riotous jest to trigger a slim person who battles every day against a body dysmorphic disorder that causes hir to see hirself as fat when zie isn't.
The app description also includes the "Warning" that "FatBooth is a funny application made for entertainment purposes only and does not guarantee resemblance to the real fattening process." Leaving aside the idea that the mockery of fat people is "entertainment," I'd like to note that there's actually no such thing as "the real fattening process," or no one process.
Naturally, the makers of FatBooth only intend to make fun of those fatties whose "fattening process" happened via stuffing their fat faces full of fatty foods all fat day—never mind that making fun of fat people who got fat by stuffing their fat faces full of fatty foods all fat day is an indefensible positionanyway, if one has even a rudimentary belief in free will, autonomy, and individual agency—and that they don't intend to make fun of those fatties whose "fattening process" was a result of disease, or disability, or treatment of one of the above.
But such distinctions cannot be made. Some of us are fat because we are lazy overeaters. Some of us are fat because we are disabled and cannot get enough exercise. Some of us are fat because we are ill. Some of us are fat because we ruined our metabolisms yo-yo dieting at a much lesser weight. Some of us are fat because we are on medication that causes weight gain. Some of us are fat because we self-medicate with food. Some of us are fat because we are trauma survivors who subconsciously (or consciously) use fat as a self-defense mechanism. Some of us are fat because we like the way it looks. Some of us are fat because of genetics. Some of us are fat because we just had a baby. Some of us are fat because we are poor. Some of us are fat for reasons we haven't even identified ourselves.
And FatBooth makes fun of all of us.
And further to the dehumanization and derision of fat people, it treats us all as one giant blobby monolith, who all get fat in the same way. FatBooth happens to "fatten" people in a way that looks like me, but not every fat person gets a double-chin and widened nose. Of the many things wrong with FatBooth, its failure to "fatten" well may seem a minor complaint—but it's indicative of how the makers of the app regard fatties not like individual people, but as a collection of silly attributes worthy of scorn and contempt.
Shaker Dr. Jan Itor emailed me about the app, noting: "I actually discovered it through Facebook, where one of my friends uploaded an album. … The 'friend' on Facebook included comments on each picture she uploaded about the person 'letting hirself go' and it being the result of 'eating too much cake!' Hardy har har."
I'm sure her fat friends find that just hilarious.
For the pleasure of "fattening" your family, friends, and colleagues, and turning fat people into a punchline yet again, FatBooth will cost you ninety-nine cents.
Two weeks ago, Camille Paglia made a bunch of stuff up about why I'm apparently not having enough sex, and for some reason, The New York Timesprinted it. Yawn. I figured the whole mess was none of your damn business. Besides, Echidne wrote a brilliant rebuttal:
There is no evidence whatsoever that there is some new sexual malaise that 'appears to have sunk over the country,' and Paglia gives us exactly zero evidence on such a giant change happening over time or in the recent past. Neither is there any evidence that the 'overachieving white upper middle class' is somehow behind the demands for female viagra.
Anyhow, I bring this up not so much because I care what Camille Paglia thinks, or because I think you should read Echidne (although, yes, I think you should). I bring it up because I just read a bunch of letters to the Times' editors, and now have a headache.
AFAICT, six of the seven authors seem to take it for granted that yes, female sexuality ain't what it used to be. After all, Paglia says so! In the Times! I shudder to think what these same letter writers think of David Brooks, who also says things. In the Times!
I had the pleasure of marching in the [video, audio may be NSFW] I Can't Believe It's Not A Dyke March! in Toronto this past weekend. I didn't have the chance pose the question "whatever happened to female sexuality" to the woman with the clown nose, duct tape covered nipples, and amazing (and huge!) "PERV" flag.* The same goes for the lady with the bikini made out of police tape. Or really, any of the fabulous women in attendance. It's just as well; I'm guessing since we're dykes, we don't really count.
Back to the matter at hand: humorless feminists. Hormones! OMFG hormones!!! Misplaced priorities. Death fat! Neglecting the role of fertility and reproduction in love making! (Again: Dyke March). Poooooooooorn!
In short, women, (and to a certain extent, *you* people) are DOIN IT RONG, just not necessarily for the reasons Paglia throws out there. Great. Just great.
Forget feminism 101, let's try some feminism 099. It's not credit-bearing, but the texts are cheap.
Women are people. People are individuals. Individuals vary. For example: not all women experience sexuality the same way. Not all the middle class white ones, not even all Latina and Black women. (Really, Camille Paglia, you thought you'd slip that in without 1 out of 7 letter writers calling you on it? Okay, that one letter is probably precisely why you slipped it in.)
Feminism? It's not the problem. Nor is having the wrong approach to sex. Indeed, last I checked, many feminists and womanists (the ones I agree with) posited that there's not a single correct approach to sex and sexuality. And our bodies? They're fucking fabulous. Fat or re/un/mis-hormoned, or whatever the fuck you're talking about. It could, indeed be, that some women are stressed and tired, and therefore experiencing some sort of sexual malaise, but gah! Please. Stop. Projecting.
Let me give a special shout out to the Times for making this all possible, because really, I only see three worthwhile responses to a column so willfully absurd. You could ignore the situation, you could quote Molly Ivins and refer to the column as compost, or you could write the Times to remind them that print is dead and column space is precious. None of these tactics is likely to get a letter printed in the gray lady. Thus, we're left with what appears to be serious debate on why women are broken. Again, thanks.
Remind me to save this post for the next time some pundit says something bizarre about what's wrong with women, and the public uses it as an excuse to discuss all of the other things that are really wrong with women. It should be happening in three, two, one...
-- *I am so going to get a little plastic version of this to put on the SUV that I'm going to buy just so I can drive around with my little flag on top.
Last we heard, James Cameron and Fox were targeting the "spring of 2012" to re-release Titanic in 3D. Thanks to Ministry of Gossip [via /Film], we now know that the spring month in question is April. The news was mentioned in a tribute to Gloria Stuart, who played "Old Rose" in the film and celebrated her 100th birthday on July 4th. April 2012 marks a centennial anniversary of its own, as the Rms Titanic attempted to traverse the Atlantic from April 12-14, 1912. In addition to the historical timing, the intended month of release (nearly two years away) gives Cameron and Co. plenty of time to perfect the finer details of the 3D conversion.
After reforming earlier this year for a benefit show, the Founding Fathers of Britpop return with more shows this fall:
Smukfest, Skanderborg, Denmark, 7 August 2010 Parkenfestivalen, Bodo, Norway, 21 August 2010 Elysee Montmartre, Paris, France, 28 November 2010 Cirque Royal, Brussels, Belgium, 29 November 2010 Cirkus, Stockholm, Sweden, 1 December 2010 Paradiso, Amsterdam, Netherlands, 2 December 2010 Huxleys, Berlin, Germany, 3 December 2010 The O2 Arena, London, England, 7 December 2010
[Trigger warning for stalking/violation of privacy.]
One of my favorite pastimes is about to do something incredibly, incredibly stupid and dangerous.
Okay. I play World of Warcraft, and I enjoy it ridiculous amounts, and recently they implemented an in-game system where you can give out the address associated with your Warcraft account to other people and they can see your real name. Which not everyone is crazy about, but it's optional, so it's not an involuntary invasion of privacy. Also there are some benefits: You can talk to people when they're playing their opposing side characters, and also when they're on a different realm than you are. So there's a trade-off.
But today, Blizzard, the company that owns WoW, announced that they would implement this system, the RealID system, in their public forums. That means every post you make will have the name linked with your account published. On a public forum. Where everyone can see it. If you want to ask a question in their Customer Service forum, if you want to post a Bug Report, if you want to talk to other people in your realm, the name associated with your account will be displayed. And it's supposed to be your real name.
You can't turn it off. You can't opt out. You can't opt to have only your first name displayed, or a nickname. It's your real name.
There are people who've moved servers to get away from people who were stalking them on other servers. There are a lot of women players who hide behind male avatars to avoid being harassed. Where are they going to go?
They're even going to force this on their Game Masters, who are required to live in one of two cities to do their jobs. So now the Game Master on the forum who told you that thing you didn't like…? Google hir name around Irvine, CA or Austin, TX, and you just might find hir.
I hasten to clarify that this hasn't happened yet. It's supposed to happen around the time they roll out the new expansion, which rumor says will happen around October or so. So we've got time to get it through their heads that they should absolutely not do this. Shakers, let us work our teaspoons to spoon some sense into Blizzard.
See Deeky's archive of all previous Conniving & Sinister strips here.
[In which Liss reimagines the long-running comic "Frank & Ernest," about two old straight white guys "telling it like it is," as a fat feminist white woman (Liss) and a biracial queerbait (Deeky) telling it like it actually is from their perspectives. Hilarity ensues.]
On June the 9th, the Dutch elected their new parliament. The new MPs are officially installed. But more importantly: There are indications that the new government isn't going to be all that bad. Spoiler Alert: Geert Wilders' Freedom Party is out of the current round of negotiations.
Holland has a multi-party system. But because we have always had substantial minorities—in contrast to, for example, Denmark—we've never experimented with minority governments. Instead, we build coalitions, that make negotiate a "regeerakkoord" or governing agreement. It's not perfect, but it works. Well, it usually works.
The coalition-building is done in two phases—the information and the formation. In the information phase, the party leaders discuss their preferences, and perhaps their "absolutely not" with the informateur. There is no real translation for informateur, but he is appointed by the queen as a go-between for the parties. When there is an agreement, one or more formateur(s) is or are appointed to look for the ministers and junior ministers to form the government.
Over the last few weeks, there have been a number of developments.
First of all, the VVD and Freedom Party seemed to want to form a government. That required a third party, so they looked to the Christian Democrats (CDA). CDA members are deeply divided over the question whether they should govern with the Freedom Party, for all the obvious reasons.* Additionally, CDA has lost almost half their votes, so they're not very eager to join the government. Thirdly, even if Freedom Party and the VVD agree on immigration (against), development cooperation (against), more police in the streets (in favor), and fewer civil servants (in favor), they differ hugely on socio-economic issues.
So, CDA MP Maxime Verhagen decided it would be better if VVD and the Freedom Party work out their differences before CDA joins the negotiations. Weird, from a team-building & negotiations perspective. Geert Wilders didn't want to start negotiations without CDA. Net result is a right-wing coalition is off the table.
Which means that Purple Plus is back on! Purple Plus is code for Purple (VVD, Social Democrats and D'66—the LibDems Dutch cousins if that helps) Plus GreenLeft. Which hurts like hell for VVD, because they have to work with more progressive and more left wing parties. I'm really not sure how it will work out for the Greens. I mean, we've casually tossed the notion of governing with the VVD having drinks after a party convention, but actually doing it... feels... weird.
Monday, the queen has appointed two informers, one Labour, one VVD. They have started negotiations today. Without the Freedom Party. It's not a done deal, but it seems this country is not going down the drain just yet.
Also: The Dutch football squad beat Brazil 2-1 and is playing Uruguay tonight.
---------------------------------
* Most importantly, the Freedom Party is racist, and wants out of the EU. But the Christian Democrats may also have their doubts about the governing skills of the Freedom Party: There is no internal party democracy, so there are no obvious candidates for the ministerial positions outside of the MP candidates list. Finally, it has been argued that because of these things, governing with the Freedom Party violates the party's basic principles.
By request, here is some video of Dudz at the dog park—with some bits from home, too—over the holiday weekend. Set to Blur's "Song 2." For those who can't view the video, there are a pair of still shots below the fold, at the end of the post.
By way of update on Dudley's progress, he is getting increasingly playful both at the dog park and at home, evidence of which you'll see in this video, if you've been following his story. He almost gets tennis balls now, at least for chewing on, but still greets our throwing them with a quizzical look cut with a cold streak of indifference, as if to say, "Call me when you can throw it at 50 miles an hour."
When Iain comes home from work at night, Dudz gets so excited he can't contain himself. When Iain goes upstairs to change clothes, Dudz runs around in a circle in the living room and I say, "Oh, Dudz! You're gonna be in big trouble!" and I slap my knees with my hands and he falls to the ground in a spring-loaded crouch. I jump toward him, and he leapfrogs from one side to the other, still in a crouch, which makes me laugh uproariously. At which point he runs around in a circle again. "Oh, Dudz! You're gonna get it, you bad boy!" Back to the crouch. And on and on until we are both panting, and Dudley's tail is wagging furiously and I am a heap of giggles.
He's also become a ridiculous snugglepuss, leaning on me whenever he wants attention, and rubbing his face and the length of his body along my legs like a giant cat. He frequently lies on our feet, and he loves kisses on his velvety head (but not as much as TREATS!!!eleventy!). A couple of times a day, I get on the floor with him for a cuddle, and he twists himself around and flips onto his back, putting his big, pink belly in the air for scratches.
He was just at the vet on Friday for a booster shot and a check-up, and he's gained seven pounds, and now weighs a respectable and healthy 75. His hip bones don't show anymore, and he's less muscle-bound and more flexible, able to turn in tight spaces much more easily than he could when he first came to us.
And he's increasingly independent in the house. The first few days he was here, he liked to nap inside his crate; it was his safe space, and we left the door open for him, so he could retreat there whenever he felt overwhelmed with his new circumstances. Then, for a good month, he liked to nap wherever I was. Now, he spends some time with me, and some time up in the loft with the girls, where the sunshine streams in through the skylights. Right now, all four of them are up there together, dozing away, each with an ear open for the distinctive rustle of a treat bag.
There are about 35,671 versions of these on teh internets. They are so good, even just as a concept, that it's probably worth it to try all of them.
Yesterday we hosted a shindig and I made these. It's a good thing everyone arrived when they did or else I may have eaten the whole platter before anyone else had a chance! Anyway, this is how I made them:
Bacon-Wrapped Stuffed Jalapeños
A dozen fresh, medium sized jalapeño peppers one & a half pkgs of cream cheese one clove elephant garlic (or about 4 regular cloves) kosher salt freshly ground pepper thin sliced bacon latex or plastic gloves
-- Wear latex or plastic gloves when handling all these peppers and their insides. Halve, lengthwise, the peppers and de-seed/de-rib them (if you like it HOTTT, leave in some seeds). If you don't like it HOTTT much at all, you can soak the halved peppers in cold milk for about 10 minutes OR drop them into boiling water for a couple minutes. Drain, dry (and/or cool) before stuffing. Both methods are supposed to reduce the heat factor (though I have not done either).
--Cut the cream cheese into smaller blocks. Put in bowl of food processor. Cut the garlic into chunks and also put in with cream cheese. Add a bit of the salt & pepper (about 1/2 tsp salt). Process until the garlic is totally minced into teeny bits and worked into the cream cheese. If the cream cheese mix is very soft (more like "saucy"), then put it in the fridge for 10 - 15 minutes to harden up a bit.
--Cut the package of bacon in half, down the middle (so you're cutting all the bacon in half). Put on some new gloves. Spoon some of the cream cheese mix into each pepper half, filling it nice and full but not overflowing. Wrap a halved piece of bacon around each one. Secure with tooth pick, if necessary.
--Grill over medium heat until bacon is crispy. OR bake at 375 for about 25 minutes. If baking, put peppers on a rack inside the pan so the bacon grease will drip down. Let cool for a few minutes before eating.
They're delicious and I'm craving more. LOL
I did make a vegan version for a guest that was very similar--just used Tofutti's Better Than Cream Cheese and mixed it with garlic, salt, & pepper. No bacon, of course. Very easy and also turned out tasty!
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