"I'm the new tough guy on the block!"
Photo of the Day
Betty Byrd Boatner (C), sister of James Byrd, Jr. , embraces Judy Shepard (L), mother of Matthew Shepard, alongside US President Barack Obama after Obama spoke in honor of the enactment of the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr. , Hate Crimes Prevention Act during a reception in the East Room of the White House in Washington, DC, October 28, 2009. In 1998, when he was a college student in Wyoming, Shepard was murdered because he was gay. Byrd, an African American man, was dragged behind a pickup truck to his death in Texas the same year. [Via.]
Quote of the Day
"After more than a decade of opposition and delay, we've passed inclusive hate crimes legislation to help protect our citizens from violence based on what they look like, who they love, how they pray, or who they are."—President Barack Obama, who earlier today signed the defense budget bill that includes the new hate crimes law, known as the Matthew Shepard Act.
[P.S. I know you have a problem getting this through your head, Mr. President, but some of us don't pray at all. And religion was already a protected class, so that was really unnecessary. Just sayin'.]
More Law & Order Fail
[Trigger warning.]
Melissa Silverstein's got a must-read guest post by Jennifer Boulanger, M.Ed., the Executive Director of the Allentown Women's Center, an independent abortion and reproductive health care center in Pennsylvania, about last week's episode of Law & Order, which centered around late-term abortion.
There's contact info to register a complaint at the link, if you're so inclined.
I haven't watched any of the L&Os for ages, mostly because there just got to be too damn many episodes of megafail like this one. L&O:SVU is the worst, with so many episodes ending with a SHOCKING TWIST!!!! that totally turns reality about sex crimes on its head just to communicate that women are totes lying bitchez, amiright?
The first episode I've seen of any of them in I-don't-know-how-long happened to be the other night, when I was suffering a bout of insomnia, and it was the episode where Christine Lahti, one of my favorite actresses and so dreadfully under-used, playing the prosecutor, was humiliated by showing up drunk to court.
And not just run-of-the-mill humiliated. Oh no. Humiliated by getting called out by the defendant, a black-out alcoholic who'd raped and murdered a woman, for reasons he couldn't even remember, during a binge. And if that weren't bad enough, he got to go free because of prosecutorial misconduct attributed to her drinking.
Oy.
Today's Edition of "Conniving and Sinister"
Strips One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56. In which Liss reimagines the long-running comic "Frank & Ernest," about two old straight white guys "telling it like it is," as a fat feminist white woman and a biracial queerbait telling it like it actually is from their perspectives. Hilarity ensues.
To tutu or not to tutu?
That is the question for a parent who wrote into the NYT's Motherlode blog:
Our son, M., is five. From the time he was born, or it seems that way anyway, he has liked pink, and sparkles and bows and the things you usually think of when you think of girls.My short answer to her question is: Your husband is right and you should let him wear the tutu if that's what he wants and you should NOT force him to "be more like the other boys".
My husband and I understand that he is who he is. We haven’t made a big deal out of this, and we buy him the kinds of things that he likes when it comes to toys and clothes. We also try to ignore our relatives when they load him up with trucks and guns and toy hammers that he has no interest in, but it is hard smiling my thanks as they try to send a message.
[...]
...[H]e is in kindergarten and he wants to be a ballerina this year. I think it’s time to have him put away the tutu and be more like the other boys. My husband says that we can’t change him, and while I know my question probably sounds like I want to change him, or that I am embarrassed by him, I really mean it when I say that’s not my reason. Instead, I am worried about him getting hurt. Eventually other kids will notice and the teasing is inevitable. And one day someone will fight him over this. If I can protect him from that by explaining that this isn’t the way boys dress, then shouldn’t I? If should, then when do I start?
Long answer:
It's wonderful that you've allowed your son to be himself and let him enjoy the things that he wants thus far. You aren't alone in this, thankfully, but I'm sure you know there are many parents out there who wouldn't because "that's not what boys play with".
Now, did you notice that their reasoning is extremely close to your own when you say "that's not how boys dress" or when you use the phrase "be more like the other boys"?
You see, letting him be himself is not something you just turn off or discourage because now he's really public about it and he may--and probably will--get teased. You just don't. That's going to do more harm than good, in the long run.
Yes, part of our job as parents is to protect our children. But you know what? You can't protect them from other children and their teasing. If your son is different--and different is not a bad thing, it is just different--from other kids, he will always be different, no matter what he wears. He will be teased for it (because we're all "different" somehow). What your (our!) job is, as a parent, is to give him the strength and confidence to be himself and to face those who will question him and give him crap because he doesn't conform to their ideas of who he should be. Giving him yourself as support and the tools of confidence is what will 'protect' him in the long run. Your job is not to give into those other children's (and their parent's) ideas of who your son should be.
I don't intend to minimize how hurtful teasing and bullying can be. It's not easy to see your child hurt by the words and actions of other children. I've been there. I've comforted a child who has been singled out for being "weird". I've heard the stories about the other kids who are teased for having "weird names" or "dresses weird" or the like. It makes your heart hurt like you wouldn't believe.
So, I really, really get where the desire to protect your son comes from and to think that maybe making him be "more like the others" will help. That's a mistake. You may say that you aren't embarrassed or want to change him but you do when you say "boys don't do this" or "boys don't dress like this" because he is a boy and he does dress "like that" or "does that". You do want him to change and what does that tell him? Essentially, that he's not being a boy "the right way" and that he needs to change to fit into some other person's idea of who he should be--and that you agree with those other people. That is the message that comes across, not the one that says "I'm protecting you". What do you think will hurt worse: some mean little (or bigger) kids saying he's "not right" or his mom saying he's "not right"? Think about that a good long time.
Have the strength to say "deal with it" to people who would question him--be your child's first, best advocate. Give him the strength so that he will be able to say "deal with it" to others who question him now and in the years to come (about anything, really). Let your son wear the tutu and take joy in celebrating the wonderful person that he is.
Wednesday Blogaround
This blogaround brought to you by Shaxco, producers of the hit reality series So You Think You Can Blog.
Recommended Reading:
Anji: Seventh Carnival of Feminists
Matttbastard: Won't Somebody Puhlease Think About the "Good White People"?! (Echidne wonders if this is a hoax.)
Tami: A Happily Married Ms.
Cara: Lawyer Claims Rapist "Misread the Situation"
Andy: Schwarzenegger Sends Coded 'F*ck You' Message in Veto Letter
Marti: Transwoman Removed From Restroom, Subjected to Transpobic Slurs
Leave your links in comments...
SYTYCD Open Thread
Shaker Carleigh asked for a So You Think You Can Dance Open Thread, so here it is!
I'm completely devastated that Billy Bell—or, as I call him: Billy Belliot—is out of the show (though still glad that Mia's gone!). My favorites at the moment are probably Ellenore and Russell, but I've got to give best performance last night to Kathryn and Legacy for their Dave Scott-choreographed piece:
Trigger Warning: Update and Teaspoons
STRONG TRIGGER WARNING. An update on the story discussed here yesterday.
Yesterday, when I first wrote about the story of a 15-year-old girl who was gang-raped for more than two hours during a high school homecoming dance, police thought she had at least four attackers and the act was witnessed by as many as 15 young men.
Today, the police have revised those numbers. They now suspect there were as many as 10 assailants with at least 10 more who watched.
Police have posted a reward for information leading to arrests, and Richmond Police Lt. Mark Gagan said: "We will be making arrests continually as we develop probable cause. With this number of people implicated in the incident we're going to be making arrests on an ongoing basis."
He also noted that there is no duty to rescue law in California that legally obliges witnesses to a sexual assault to report the crime, unless the victim is younger than 15. So the witnesses to the assault are unlikely to be prosecuted, unfortunately.
Meanwhile, a member of the Richmond school board has said that the school district must bear some responsibility: "School administrators and police apparently weren't watching the area as they should have, [board member Charles Ramsey] said."
So far, the school has only promised to "hold a safety meeting for parents and students Wednesday evening to address the assault," which, as Shaker ClioBluestocking pointed out in comments, is not what's needed here: "This girl wasn't brutalized because she wasn't practicing good 'safety' techniques. She was brutalized because at least 20 young men thought rape was a sport. The school should be having meetings with parents about that: how not to raise misogynists, rapists and rape apologists."
On a similar note, I will reiterate what I said in comments to parents who are quite understandably questioning where best to direct their teaspoons on behalf of their kids in the wake of this incident:
What you can do...is vociferously advocate that rape awareness be part of your kids' school curricula as soon as any level of sex education is introduced. There is age-appropriate rape awareness just as there is age-appropriate sex ed.DoorbellQueen gives us a great example of talking to a young child about consent and rescue in an age-appropriate way.
"Shout and say NO! if someone touches you in any way you don't like" and "NEVER touch someone else if they don't want you to" can be taught at any age.
Joe the Plumber Mo Expert
This video is painful to watch for a lot of reasons—see: Joy Behar's repeated use of "homosexual" as a noun, and Sam "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher's pitiable stupidity—but I nonetheless find it awesomely captivating in its perfect encapsulation of how every argument with a conservative bigot seems to go. (Which is not to suggest there aren't fauxgressive bigots; they've just got a different style of argument.) It's like watching one of our trolls in action: First Wurzelbacher's argument breaks down factually, then he starts to spin and babble as he realizes he's outgunned, and then he just starts asserting his "right" to hold a bigoted opinion "without being chastised for it."
"THIS IS MY DUMBASS OPINION ABOUT YOU AND YOUR LIFE THAT I'M SHOVING IN YOUR FACE—BUT YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO CHALLENGE ME!" Classic.
Behar sets him straight.
[Transcript below.]
Behar: Now, in an interview, you were asked about gay people—this, this bothered me I have to tell you. [Wurzelbacher laughs] So far, I like you, but this annoyed me.
Wurzelbacher: That's quite all right.
Behar: You said: "I personally still think it's wrong."
Wurzelbacher: Mm-hmm.
Behar: Homosexuality.
Wurzelbacher: Yes.
Behar: "People don't understand the dictionary—it's called queer."
Wurzelbacher: Mm-hmm.
Behar: "Queer means strange and unusual. It's not like a slur, like you would call a white person a honky or something like that." And you also said that you wouldn't want your children near homosexuals.
Wurzelbacher: Mm-hmm.
Behar: Now, you're equating pedophiles with homosexuals, and it turns out that 70% of pedophiles are heterosexual. [Note from Liss: I don't think that number is right or even particularly meaningful without any explanatory context, e.g. whether it includes hebephiles and ephebophiles, for whom victims' gender is a stronger consideration (something Behar will obliquely address shortly). Point being, I wouldn't quote that stat.]
Wurzelbacher: I'm sorry—how you define that? I mean, if a guy—
Behar: How do you define what?
Wurzelbacher: Well, you're talking about them being, uh, I mean, hold on, let's back up one second. When I was talking to that interview, I was making a point as my opinion should not necessarily be public policy—just like every politician out there thinks their opinion needs to be public policy. That was the whole interview. Now, they were asking me questions abstract as far as this goes, uhh, when it comes down to homosexuality, how can you sit there and say they're straight? I mean, they're sitting there playing with, you know, a guy sitting there playing with a seven-year-old boy, how, how is he straight?
Behar: That is a pedophile, if he's, if he's abusing a child. [Wurzelbacher snorts] It's not because he's gay or straight.
Wurzelbacher: Is he the same sex?!
Behar: No, but that's not the point.
Wurzelbacher: But that is the point to me.
Behar: No, but there are pedophiles—and this is, this is a fact—
Wurzelbacher: Mm-hmm.
Behar: —pedophiles will go for either girl or boy, whoever's available, because it's about power over children. It's not about sex.
Wurzelbacher: Well, it's the—
Behar: It's like rape, Joe. It's like rape. It's about power.
Wurzelbacher: I understand that.
Behar: You see that? It's not about homosexuality. Homosexuality happens to be an orientation that some people have. I don't think it's a choice, do you?
Wurzelbacher: Uh, from what I un—actually, yes I do believe it's a choice, and it's probably—
Behar: Why would you choose that when people like you vilify them?!
Wurzelbacher: I haven't vilified anyone.
Behar: Well, if you're saying—if you're equating pedophiles with homosexuals, you're vilifying. Sorry.
Wurzelbacher: If you follow that up on that—if you follow that up on the rest of the interview, you know, I have had friends that are homosexual, uhh, two of them died from AIDS. I'm not against it, but it's not my lifestyle.
Behar: I know that.
Wurzelbacher: Me being an American, I'm allowed to have that opinion and not be chastised for it.
Behar: Well—
Wurzelbacher: I served my country, um, and I—
Behar: So do a lot of homosexuals. If we would let them, more would.
Wurzelbacher: Well, that, that being said, I'm not, I'm not—what I'm saying, though, is I'm allowed to have my own opinion without being chastised for it. I, you know, my family's foughten for this country, I've foughten for this country—
Behar: Listen, listen Sam. Samuel—
Wurzelbacher: —therefore I deserve that right.
Behar: —you can have your opinion, and you're gonna get chastised for it. Just like I have my opinion [Wurzelbacher laughs] and I get chastised for it.
In Case You Were Wondering...
...why dudez don't love vampires, but ladiez do, some douchebag is happy to explain it to you.
Meet-Up Time!
by Shaker RedSonja, official party planner of the upcoming Shaker meet-up, because Liss is a shitty organizer.
How do you know it's time for a Shaker meet-up? Because it could snow.
Well, Shakers, it's that time again! We're planning a meet-up here in Chicagoland for Sunday November 22nd, which is the weekend before American Thanksgiving. The current plan is to go to our favorite Celtic pub in the early afternoon, take over their party room, and while away the afternoon and evening. Board games, movies, and good conversation are currently on the list of activities before dinner, but feel free to suggest others.
At this point, we want to get a handle on how many people will be there, so please drop a line in comments or email Liss or RedSonja (at sonja1023-at-gmail-dot-com) if you're planning on coming.
Because there are always folks who'd like to come in from out of town, and locals who always offer up crash accommodations, we'd like to help coordinate local Shakers with spare rooms/beds and people looking for a place to stay. So if any Chicagolanders would like to volunteer their pads, once again just email RedSonja or Liss. Please include smoking preferences, any pets, and how many people you can accomodate - that will make coordinating much easier! Out-of-towners can drop us a line with their needs and we'll try to match you with someone suitable.
As always, details will be provided to Shakers who have signaled an interest in attending.
Looking forward to seeing all of you there!
Question of the Day
As the natural follow-up to yesterday's QotD: What's the best nickname you've ever been given?
Iain has a vast reservoir of ridiculous nicknames for me—Tschoobs, Tubbs, Chubbs, Chubble, Chunkles, Flabble, Boobs, Boobles, Nuble, Bawheed, Nushtelhead, Dushtels, Shushtels, Wifel, Wifelnifel, Titch, Cute Fing, Wooman, Hen…the list goes on and on, one absurd and/or nonsensical moniker after the next. All designed to make me laugh. All successful.
But my absolute favorite is Apple Cheeks.
[Shakesville rewind.]
Quote of the Day
"If the bill remains what it is now, I will not be able to support a cloture motion before final passage. Therefore I will try to stop the passage of the bill."—Senator Joe Lieberman (I-Lieberman), telling reporters today that he will filibuster any healthcare bill he doesn't like, and he doesn't like any healthcare bill with a public option.
Btw, Lieberman says he objects on the grounds that "I think a lot of people may think that the public option is free. It's not. It's going to cost the taxpayers." Well, thanks for assuming we're all fucking stupid, Joe. Good thing we've got you to stand in the way of a public option and save us from ourselves.
Photo of the Day
President Barack Obama holds House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's granddaughter, following the Democratic National Committee dinner at the Westin St. Francis Hotel in San Francisco, Calif., Oct. 15, 2009. (Official White House Photo by Pete Souza) [Via.]
Today's Edition of "Conniving and Sinister"
Strips One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55. In which Liss reimagines the long-running comic "Frank & Ernest," about two old straight white guys "telling it like it is," as a fat feminist white woman and a biracial queerbait telling it like it actually is from their perspectives. Hilarity ensues.
