Following up on Andy's post below: How was your coming out? Got a good, bad, or otherwise interesting tale to share?
Mine is not particularly interesting, but maybe slightly amusing. I worked up the guts to do it, turning myself into a nervous wreck, as the saying goes, worried endlessly what she'd say, how she'd react. I called her, and a moment or two after our hellos I tearfully blurted it out.
"I'm gay!"
Without missing a beat, Mom replied "Oh, honey, I know."
And that was that.
Mom, being hte cool cat that she is, told me she didn't really care, that this changed nothing between us, she loved me and just wanted me to be happy. Cool, eh?
So, what's your story?
I'm still going through the 100 or so pix I took on our holiday, but, with Iain's permission, I thought I'd share these great snaps of him on the schooner in New York Harbor, on an improbably beautiful day.
by Shaker Andy
As y'all may have gathered from recent comments I've made, I'm hoping to start HRT next month. At the moment, I live two lives, and which one I'm in depends on whose company I'm in.
With my family and a few old friends, I'm – let's say – Jane. With most of my friends and with my lovers, I'm Andy. I've grown comfortable with this divide over the past couple of years, mostly because I do not have to be Jane that often currently. But time is running out. It's not like I'll be able to disguise the changes to my voice or body, and I'm damn sick of hiding. I know I need to come out to my family and a few of my old friends in the next few months.
The problem is that I've been trying to tell my parents for months. They live 40 miles away and I see them a few times a month. I'll get all mentally prepared and then... nothing. I can't make the words come out. It feels like it's way too much, like it's way too big.
Also, it's not just that I'm coming out as transsexual, but also as bi/pansexual. It's like dying – well, more like I'm killing the person they've raised somehow. I know that's a completely irrational way to look at it, but that's what it feels like when I'm with them and think about telling them. So I decided (after talking to my therapist) to write them a letter to come out. Only... I sit down and any time I try to actually write, it triggers a panic attack. Good thing I have Xanax on hand. >_<
I know they won't disown me or not love me anymore. I'm much more worried that they won't respect my identity. That phrases like, "It's just a phase" or "You're just looking for an easy out of your marriage" or "Well, this doesn't change how we see you" or "What about your son??" will be said. Honestly, I feel like that's worse in a way than being cast out, particularly if it is persistent. I have to try to prove my gender everyday to most people. It's a relief to be with friends and lovers who accept me for who I am, regardless of how I feel like dressing or how I act or what I like. I'm not sure what I would do if my family were people I had to prove my gender to over and over again.
I need help. Stories and advice about coming out may just be what I need, particularly since although I know a few other queer people, none of them have come out to their families. Thank you all in advance for your support and voices.
Iain (by email): Check this out.
Liss: WTF?! Is that supposed to be splooge in the corners of the screen?! (Or behind the text when you click on something?)
Iain: I know, right!! LOL. If you thought that was bad then mouse over the arcade machine and check out Khaki Pants Pete.
Liss: You are fucking kidding me. Explain to me again how it's FEMINISTS who have the reputations for being man-haters when it's obviously misogynists who designed this site, and misogynists who think it's hilarious, despite the fact that it explicitly casts men as barely-civilized animals who hate their own wives and children?
Iain: I know. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the ad for the game and then found the source. Makes Burger King look like a NOW assembly.
------------------------------
So. It looks like Klondike doesn't want or need me as a customer. Good to hear they're doing so well in this recession they can afford to tell consumers to go fuck themselves.
Klondike is a Unilever brand—the same company that owns Axe (a repeat offender in this series), as well as the company that posts under the header Our Values: "Unilever is dedicated to being a good corporate citizen and neighbor. By playing an active role in society and making vital contributions, we strive to improve daily living and strengthen the local communities in which we do business."
My only question is whether Unilever regards the Klondike Man Cave as being more about "being a good corporate citizen" or more about "improving daily living." Because, honestly, I could do without citizens who are misogynist assholes, and my life would be markedly improved if shit like this didn't exist.
Contact Unilever.
[Assvertising: Parts One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen, Fifteen, Sixteen, Seventeen, Eighteen, Nineteen, Twenty, Twenty-One, Twenty-Two, Twenty-Three, Twenty-Four, Twenty-Five, Twenty-Six, Twenty-Seven, Twenty-Eight, Twenty-Nine, Thirty, Thirty-One, Thirty-Two, Thirty-Three, Thirty-Four, Thirty-Five, Thirty-Six, Thirty-Seven, Thirty-Eight, Thirty-Nine, Forty, Forty-One, Forty-Two, Forty-Three, Forty-Four, Forty-Five, Forty-Six", Forty-Seven, Forty-Eight, Forty-Nine, Fifty, Fifty-One,Fifty-Two, Fifty-Three,Fifty-Four, Fifty-Five, Fifty-Six, Fifty-Seven, Fifty-Eight, Fifty-Nine, Sixty, Sixty-One, Sixty-Two, Sixty-Three, Sixty-Four, Sixty-Five, Sixty-Six, Sixty-Seven, Sixty-Eight, Sixty-Nine, Seventy, Seventy-One, Seventy-Two.]
Literally.
Conservadouche, California State Legislator, and all-round defender of "family values," Michael Duvall made the mistake recently of bragging to a comrade about the two lobbyists with whom he was carrying on illicit sexual affairs. While sitting too near an open mic. Oops!
Just FYI:
Duvall has "blasted" efforts to promote gay marriage, and got a 100 percent score from the Capitol Resource Institute, which describes its mission as to "educate, advocate, protect, and defend family-friendly policies in the California state legislature". In March, a spokeswoman for the group called Duvall "a consistent trooper for the conservative causes," adding that "for the last two years, he has voted time and time again to protect and preserve family values in California."Of course.
"The media loves a good fight—even when the charges are unfounded."—ABC's Dan Harris, trying to contextualize the Obama school "controversy." Click the link to read Boehlert's must-read takedown of what he calls "this era-defining gem."
The only issue I'd take with the quote is that it appears from where I'm sitting that the media doesn't love a good fight even when the charges are unfounded, but only when the charges are unfounded.
When the charges are totally fucking founded, like when progressive activists and prominent liberal journalists were saying in the run-up to the Iraq War that the administration was cooking the intelligence, the media does their darnedest to avoid that fight, instead marginalizing the people making the charge as fringe wackos and partisan lunatics.
We were, of course, later proved to be completely right.
This blogaround brought to you by Shaxco, proud sponsors of the "Spudsy Hearts Jin" charity fundraiser to grant an adorable but tragically sad gayboy his lifelong wish of dry-humping a pile of Daniel Dae Kim's discarded wardrobe pieces.
Recommended Reading:
Renee: Woman in Wheelchair Heckled at a Town Hall Meeting
Maha: Another Big Speech
Anna: How Not to Solve a Gender Dispute: Semenya's Magazine Makeover
R-Far: Baby Killing Socialists!!!!
Andy: Ontario City Creates Fund, Plans Rally for Gay Beating Victim
Jane, Simon, et. al.: Please Help Us "Pull the Trigger" for a Public Health Insurance Option
Leave your links in comments...
[Trigger warning.]
Something about which I've written a bunch of times (example) is how a lot of rightwing television commentators like to use their radio shows as little outposts of extremism, on which they air their most heinously radical views for their heinously radical devotees, while playing it more "reasonable" on television for a larger general audience.
It appears to me like video sites like Funny or Die are being used by some actors/comedians in a similar way (example), to do "hilarious" and "un-PC" material (read: mean-spirited and wildly inappropriate), which, if done more publicly for a larger general audience, would certainly not be met with the same reception and would risk compromising the sort of reputation generally required for stars of prime-time network series and/or family-oriented films.
Shaker Procrastinatrix just emailed me about the below video starring Zachary Quinto, one of the cast members of Heroes and Spock in the new Star Trek series. Posted at Funny or Die, he also proudly posted it at his site, where most of his readers found it utterly hilarious.
HOSTAGE: A Love Story
[A man bursts through the doors of a fast food joint with a handgun.]
Handgun-Wielding Man (Zachary Quinto): Hands up, motherfuckers! This is a fucking robbery! [He points the gun at a man behind the counter.] Hand me the fucking register now!
Man Behind Counter: [grabs rifle and points it at Handgun-Wielding Man] Not today, asshole!
Handgun-Wielding Man: [grabs female customer and points handgun at her head] Back the fuck up or I will cap this fucking bitch right in the fucking head, right fucking now, right in front of your fucking face!
Female Hostage: Please, please, please back up. Oh my god, he's serious. He'll do it.
[Handgun-Wielding Man gives Man Behind Counter a serious look to convey that she's right. Man Behind Counter lowers rifle. Cut to Handgun-Wielding Man and Female Hostage leaving store; he is still holding the gun to her head.]
Female Hostage: Oh my god. Please don't kill me.
Handgun-Wielding Man: Shut the fuck up.
Female Hostage: Oh, no, please, my blood sugar's low. I haven't eaten anything all day! Have you?
[Handgun-Wielding Man gives a look as though he realizes he hasn't eaten all day. Cut to couple at restaurant sitting across a table from one another, talking and laughing. He is still pointing the gun at her head.]
Female Hostage: …and that was the last time I ever crashed a PTA meeting.
Handgun-Wielding Man: [laughing] Stop—you're crazy!
Waitress: [setting food in front of them] One chicken sandwich and one Caesar salad.
Female Hostage: Wait, is this smoked gouda? I thought I ordered regular gouda.
Handgun-Wielding Man: Wait a minute—the gouda's smoked?
Female Hostage: Oh, it's okay. It's just that my dad died of lung cancer, but I'll just pick it off.
Handgun-Wielding Man: No no no. I'll get this. [grabs Female Hostage roughly and turns to waitress] Give me some fucking regular gouda over here, you fucking bitch, or I'll blow this fucking bitch's head off right in front of your fucking face, you fucking bitch!
[Waitress looks horrified and quickly turns and runs away. Female Hostage looks at Handgun-Wielding Man dreamily.]
Female Hostage: How'd you get so sweet?
Handgun-Wielding Man: I have sisters.
[Cut to couple having sex in bed in silhouette, like the love scene from Top Gun with Berlin's "Take My Breath Away" playing in background.]
Handgun-Wielding Man: I'm sorry. [He rolls off of her.]
Female Hostage: It's okay, baby. It happens to everybody.
Handgun-Wielding Man: Not to me, it doesn't. [He points the gun at her head and looks down at his penis.] You better get hard right now. If you don't start working, I swear to god I'm gonna do this bitch in the fucking head right in front of your tiny little mushroom fucking face, you fucking bitch.
Female Hostage: [breathless and turned on] Oh, he'll do it. He will fucking do it.
Handgun-Wielding Man: Look who just came to the party.
Female Hostage: [smiling] I love you. Do you love me?
Handgun-Wielding Man: For realsies, baby.
[Cut to Handgun-Wielding Man on his knees proposing. He offers her a ring while pointing the gun at her face.]
Handgun-Wielding Man: Honey, will you marry me?
Female Hostage: Of course. Of course I will!
[They make out; he holds the gun at her temple, and she puts her hand over his on the trigger. Cut to the Female Hostage in labor at a hospital. Handgun-Wielding Man points both the gun and a video camera at her.]
Handgun-Wielding Man: You okay, baby?
Female Hostage: Yeah, you?
Handgun-Wielding Man: I feel a little faint. [He wobbles woozily.]
Female Hostage: Just remember, baby, you'll do this fucking bitch right here!
Handgun-Wielding Man: Oh, right, right! [He yells at (female) doctor.] Get this fucking baby out of her fucking vagina now or I'll fucking do this bitch in the fucking head right in front of your fucking face, you fucking doctor bitch.
[Sound of baby crying; he faints. Cut to a domestic scene: A little boy chases a little girl with a toy pistol saying "Bang bang bang bang!" Female Hostage does dishes while Handgun-Wielding Man holds a baby and points the gun at Female Hostage's head.]
Handgun-Wielding Man: Timmy, would you stop pointing that gun at your sister? Jesus Christ, where do they get this fucking shit?
Female Hostage: Those damn video games!
Handgun-Wielding Man: [to babe in arms] All right, baby, time to fucking fall asleep right now. Fall asleep! Fall asleep! Fall asleep! Fall asleep! Fall asleep! Fall asleep! Fall asleep! Jesus Christ. Fuck this—I'm outta here. [He hands baby to Female Hostage and points gun at her, then leaves.]
Female Hostage: Christ, do I have to do everything around here? Oh, that's it—run away. Run away into your bottle, you son of a bitch!
[Cut to a bar, where Handgun-Wielding Man is talking to another (female) patron.]
Handgun-Wielding Man: [throws back shot] I don't understand; it used to be so great, and now it's like, my marriage, my kids, I feel completely trapped.
Patron: Wow. And I thought I had a big pussy. I gotta get out of here.
Handgun-Wielding Man: No, wait, please, have just one more drink with me.
Patron: Yeah, I don't think so.
[Camera pulls back to reveal that Female Hostage, still holding baby, has been standing off to the side with Handgun-Wielding Man pointing gun at her the whole time.]
Handgun-Wielding Man: [to bartender] Hey! Get this fucking bitch another drink or I will do this other bitch in the fucking head right in front of your fucking face, you fucking bitch!
Female Hostage: [tiredly, robotically] He'll do it. He will fucking do it.
[Cut to Handgun-Wielding Man and Female Hostage in therapy with (male) therapist.]
Therapist: I think this was a really great session, huh? [Handgun-Wielding Man, still pointing gun at Female Hostage's head, looks annoyed. Female Hostage looks pleased. Therapist looks at Handgun-Wielding Man.] Do you feel you understand what I'm saying?
Handgun-Wielding Man: Yes. Uh, you're saying I don't need to feel trapped by my love, that it should set me free.
Therapist: No. That's not what I'm saying at all. This [he moves his hands between the two of them] is a horrible relationship.
Handgun-Wielding Man: [turns to Female Hostage and holds gun at her head] Honey, I'm sorry, and I promise that I will never run away again.
Female Hostage: I'm so sorry, too, and I promise I will never fuck our therapist again.
Handgun-Wielding Man: What?
[Therapist shrugs. Female hostage grabs Handgun-Wielding Man's face and they make out. Cut to montage of photos of the couple attending a kid's graduation, going on vacation, standing over a dead bear with rifles, walking in a "Stop Domestic Abuse Charity Walkathon," set to Brad Paisley's "I Thought I Loved You Then." Throughout all, Handgun-Wielding Man holds gun to Female Hostage's head. Cut to couple sitting on a park bench looking at a photo album and "acting old" and trying to kiss each other. Cut to couple walking into a darkened house and talking in "old" voices.]
Handgun-Wielding Man: So the kids aren't joining us for supper then?
Female Hostage: It's just us. We'll have to spend our 50th anniversary alone.
Handgun-Wielding Man: Ehhhhhh.
Female Hostage: What's the matter—you don't love me anymore?
Handgun-Wielding Man: Of course I do. For realsies, babe. For realsies.
[They kiss while he points the gun at her. The lights come on and a ton of people standing underneath a "Happy Anniversary" banner yell, "Surprise!" Handgun-Wielding Man jumps in shock and the gun goes off, blowing a hole in Female Hostage's head. Everyone gasps and looks horrified. They are covered in blood splatter. Female Hostage lies on the floor in a pool of blood.]
Handgun-Wielding Man: Whoops.
[Wacky music. The End.]
For some of us, it may be bank robbin' time.
Profiles in History, the world's largest Hollywood memorabilia auctioneer, will be hosting "Lost: The Auction" in 2010. Yep, you too can own an actual prop from the show!
For only about a squillion dollars (just guessing), you can get Hurley's Lottery Ticket. Or perhaps you'd like an Oceanic Airlines boarding pass? If your tastes lean towards the adorable, Sawyer's copy of Watership Down is a good stocking stuffer. Unfortunately, "Every article of clothing worn by Jin" isn't available, so I'll have to console myself with a bottle of rum and set my sights on Ben's "Dean Moriarty" passport.
I can only assume that Melissa will stop at nothing... NOTHING! ...to own these little beauties.
by Shaker DesertRose
[Trigger warning.]
(Part One of the series "Crazy Does Not Equal...")
Full Disclosure: I have schizoaffective disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder. I have suffered from one form or another of mental illness for most of my life, mostly depression in one form or another, anxiety, and various manifestations of PTSD. I am 33 years old, a ciswoman, white and Cherokee, divorced, mother of one completely awesome daughter, owned by two adorable tabby cats, bisexual with polyamorous tendencies, a proud bleeding-heart liberal, an eclectic pagan, and completely out of my tree.
I've always been hesitant to be open with people about my mental condition. Mental illness is still hugely stigmatized, and I don't want to be treated as if I'm somehow less than other people because my brain and mind are funky. But I've come to the realization that mental illness will remain stigmatized unless people with mental illnesses are open about their conditions and show the world that we're not what society would have the world believe.
People with mental illnesses are often stereotyped as violent, or, in contrast, figures of fun, to be mocked for "abnormal" behaviors. And if we're not to be feared or made fun of, we're childish and incapable of making our own decisions. Failing that, we're weak-willed or of poor character, often therefore leading to the conclusion that we're responsible for our conditions and could be "normal" if we'd just decide to be. On top of all that, we're often considered lacking in intelligence, which can be part and parcel of the "childish and incapable of making our own decisions" or "weak-willed or of poor character" tropes.
Let's lay this out one by one. In this post, I'm going to address the stereotype of people with mental illnesses as violent. People with mental illnesses are far more likely to be victims of violence than perpetrators. A study done by North Carolina State University and Duke University around 2000 revealed that people with serious mental illness (defined as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder [commonly called manic-depression], or psychosis [which is actually an umbrella term that covers a number of illnesses with symptoms involving hallucinations, delusions, and other disturbances in perception]) were 2.5 times more likely to be attacked, sexually assaulted, or mugged than the general population.
Another study showed that mental illness alone is a very poor predictor of future violence. Pile on a substance abuse disorder, and you might have a problem, but mental illness alone, not so much. (In fact, substance abuse alone is a stronger predictor of violent behavior, even without the presence of a mental illness.)
I'm going to put this in personal perspective. I needed to go stay with my parents for a while, shortly after I had finally told them about my condition. (They knew about some of my earlier struggles with depression and PTSD, but not about the psychotic symptoms nor the severity of my symptoms in adulthood.) My stepfather, who at that point had known me for over 20 years, during at least 10 of which I shared his home, asked me in all earnestness if he would wake up one morning with me standing over his bed holding a knife. It made me want to cry. In the moment, I answered, no, I'm not a danger to anyone (except myself, sometimes, but I didn't want to get into issues of self-harm with him right then). Later on, I thought, "Jesus H. Christ on rollerskates, the man has known me for 2/3 of my life and he thinks I'd hurt him? Family? Someone I love, who has pulled my ass out of more slings than I care to count?"
And I'm not going to try to count the number of news stories that harp on the mental illness (or possible mental illness) of perpetuators of violence. Just to quote a recent one, how many of the stories covering the rampage on women of George Sodini characterized Sodini as mentally ill in some fashion ("crazy," "insane," insert adjective here)? I don't know if Sodini was mentally ill or not, and I don't give a damn, because it's not the point. The point is that he was a misogynist asshat who thought that all women were to blame for the fact that he couldn't get a date, and he got validation of that belief from every corner of the culture that perpetuates the idea that women's bodies are public property and/or financial commodities.
Even if he were mentally ill, his misogyny is what drove him to shoot those women in that health club, not any mental condition, the millions of other sufferers of which don't go out and target women with deadly violence.
By calling him "crazy" or "insane" or whatever, the media has done yet another disservice to people with mental illness. We have enough stigma to overcome without every news channel calling perpetrators of violence "crazy" or "insane" or whatever whenever some horrific act of violence occurs that often has less (or nothing) to do with mental illness and more to do with societal prejudices and beliefs taken to a violent extreme.
People with mental illnesses suffer enough from the illnesses themselves. In my own life, I've wrestled with suicide countless times (though I'm okay at the moment); I've cut myself, scratched myself, beaten myself in the face and head. I also fight, every single day, with perceptions that may or may not reflect reality. One of the symptoms of schizoaffective disorder is extremely vivid dreams. Sometimes I'm not sure if I dreamt something or if it actually happened. Sometimes I see things that either no one else can see (bugs crawling on walls or my skin) or that logic tells me cannot be (inanimate objects moving towards me menacingly). Sometimes, I'll see/read/hear something that triggers me into a panic attack.
And then the stigma piles onto the suffering. How many people suffer without help because they're afraid to ask because of stigma? How many people seek help but keep it a secret, not telling family or friends who might be willing and able to help, because of stigma?
There's been a series of public service announcements on TV (and according to that site, on radio, but I've never heard the radio ads) about how to deal with it if a friend tells you zie has a mental illness. They're really great ads; they tell the public that your friend is still your friend even if zie has a mental illness (which should be a colossal "DUH!" but often is not) and that continuing to be zir friend can be a huge help in zir treatment (which is very true), but, in the face of the number of times the media perpetuates stereotypes of people with mental illness, they are teaspoons emptying the sea.
So is this post, and the ones I'm planning to continue to explore the stereotypes of people with mental illnesses and how they hurt, not only people with mental illnesses, but everybody. People with mental illnesses are human beings who deserve dignity and respect. We are here, we are real, and we are not the monsters we're made out to be.
[Commenting Guidelines: This thread will be tightly moderated, and victim-blaming will not be tolerated. Stay on-topic, and if your comment could be triggering, please be sure to preface it with a trigger warning.]
I'm still sorting through a metric fuckton of email that piled up while I was away, which naturally included some hilariously awesome missives from my MRA fans, and I had to share this one with you. Spacing, grammar, and (mis)spelling are all original (I love the repeated misspellings of "misogyny" most of all):
Hi MelissaIt's amazing how many men of the world are concerned about Iain, since finding out he's married to someone who has the unmitigated temerity to ask for his respect.
Re misogony up close and personal ….
I’ve just read this article and would like to ask a few things about it ……..
You mentioned your married and your husband does his best to avoid misogonist comments and behaviour.
Do you then do your best to avoid misandrist comments and behaviour ? ( if there’s such a thing ?) Would you
Comment if your female friends and relatives say such things as well ?
Men can be bad, and are , but we do good things as well …….sometimes that’s not reflected in
Feminist blogs and websites ………..
I’m thinking your marriage is stong and you love each other , and your husband respects your thoughts and
respects your strengths and weaknesses ………do you do the same for him ? Respect his strengths and
weakneeses too ?
I’m not saying you don’t and I’m not ‘having a go ‘ , but if I would like to think that you don’t control everything
he says and does . He can be himself , strong, intelligent, maybe likes a beer, maybe likes sport, or the arts etc…
I hope it’s a two way thing …………
Thanks
[Name Redacted]
Tyra Banks starts the fifth season of her eponymous daytime talkshow by revealing her natural hair, a simple gesture with a profound political and cultural message:
[Starting at 0:53] Okay, so let's talk about my hair right now. I know it's been a big mystery, and I was like, it was an unsolved mystery, and I felt like I needed to solve this mystery. Like, I've worn weaves and wigs and pieces and clip-ons and clip-outs and clip-downs and -arounds [laughter] since I was seventeen, eighteen years old! And I wanted to show the real me; I wanted to show the raw me. And I just got out of the shower—did the face first, of course, y'all—and then came out of here on this stage, and this is me, y'all. This is me. [cheers and applause]
Well, well, well...
Wall Street Journal: Obama to Endorse Public Plan in Speech
Paul Krugman: Why the Public Option Matters
New York Times: Despite Fears, Health Care Overhaul Is Moving Ahead
ABC: Pelosi and Reid Tell President: We Have the Votes; President Wants Bill Passed Soon
Discuss.
