Happy Birthday Melissa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I will too use 35 exclamation points -- because it's you're birthday, and you deserve every one of them -- and more.

I thought about what kind of a woman you might like to have jump out of a cake for you, and -- well. . . . . .



Misty insisted that I include this very apropos vid:


(I'm SOOOOO taking you to Mr. Ha-Ha's Hot Dog Hacienda some day - 'cuz that would sooooo feminist. "There, I touched it.")

And I couldn't resist adding this one as well, in case you missed my sit-down video last night:


Happy Birthday, my dear sister. I am truly glad you were born. (closed captions will be available as soon as I can get them up)

Open Wide...

Random YouTubery: Nathan Lane's John Wayne Walk in The Birdcage

Yesterday I embarked on some weekend sewing by laying out and cutting an 8-gore knit skirt for myself and a t-shirt for my niece (pictures below the fold). Cutting is not my favorite thing. It did not take long for me to begin wondering why the hell 8 gores sounded like a good idea. Fortunately, I discovered that The Birdcage was running on some movie channel or other. Having a favorite movie in the background helps to ease the pain of tedious tasks.

The Birdcage is one of those movies that never loses its punch no matter how many times I see it (along with Tootsie, Some Like It Hot, Educating Rita, The Apartment, Harold and Maude, and some others).

Everyone is wonderful in The Birdcage, but Nathan Lane gets an amazing number of opportunities to reveal his genius. If you don't think it is possible for a man in pink lounging pajamas, a long beaded necklace, high-heeled mules, and a floppy straw sun hat to channel John Wayne, just watch this:

(The John Wayne Walk starts around 4:20)



Nathan Lane and Robin Williams in The Birdcage (1996), directed by Mike Nichols. Screenplay by Elaine May, based on Jean Poiret's play "La Cage Aux Folles". The film also credits the screenwriters of earlier film versions.

It kills me every time when, after the Walk, the men have this exchange:
Lane: No good?

Willimas: Actually, it's perfect. I just never realized John Wayne walked like that.

This is the only clip I could find. The image is not great and the voices sound slightly speeded up, but it's still worth watching.

And now, a day later, my completed garments lie on my ironing board, awaiting their hems:



Jalie 2805 T-shirt with cap sleeves and jewel neckline; Jalie 2681 skirt, view B. The fabric is a turquoise cotton/lycra jersey from Fashion Fabrics Club

Open Wide...

Happy Mothers' Day!



Mama Shakes looking gorgeous and me making some sort of WTF face, 1975.

Happy Mothers' Day* to all the Shaker mothers and grandmothers and godmothers and aunties and female guardians of various description whose love and care, for the fortunate among us, made us who we are.

--------------------

* Being celebrated in America and some other places today; it is celebrated on other days in other countries.

Open Wide...

Comedy To(morrow)night! Sunday May 10

Well, here I am, exercising my Shameless Self-Promotion muscles.

Ever since I started releasing those old standup videos on youtube, I've had this queasy feeling that the siren of comedy might be calling me again.

So, tomorrow night (Sunday, May 10, 2009), I'll be premiering my new Ustream channel -- "Sit Down Comedy".

I invite you to join me tomorrow at 7 pm Pacific time (8 Mountain, 9 Central, 10 Eastern) for an hour or so of Sit-Down Comedy (which seems so much more decorous for a woman of a certain age, don't you think?).

If you're interested, you can view the live broadcast at my home blog, or if you want to engage in some chat-based heckling while you're there (be gentle), you can go to my ustream channel page or my home website -- all the info is at Teh Portly Dyke (including the password you'll need to view the broadcast).

Hope to see you there. I swear, I'll try to be funny.

Open Wide...

To Boldly Go...

It is always a risk to take something like a book or a character that has become an iconic part of culture and attempt to redefine it or take it in a new direction. Devotees of that icon will view any attempt to alter the universe with deep suspicion, and as flawed and tattered as it might be, there will be a very high bar set for anyone who tries to reshape -- or "reboot" -- the sacred world to prove that what they have wrought is truly an improvement on what came before. You can apply it to almost anything: architecture, literature, even a classic automobile (how many times did it take Ford to get the next generation of the Mustang right?). That certainly applies to the new film Star Trek; devoted Trekkers have been waiting for a long time to see what director J.J. Abrams would do with the world created by Gene Roddenberry nearly fifty years ago, and even those of us who have been Reform Trekkers -- fans of the series but not so Orthodox as to build the bridge of the USS Enterprise in our garage or celebrate Klingon holidays -- have been looking forward to seeing what would happen to it with modern technology, a large budget, and in the hands of a director who has a reputation for fast action films (Mission Impossible III) and who was three months old when the original series premiered on NBC in September 1966. I don't think they will be disappointed. In fact, I think they will like it enough to accept the alternative universe of the 23rd century, Star Fleet, and the crew of the Enterprise and boldly go with it where no one has gone before.

(There are spoilers below the fold, so if you haven't seen the film and don't want key plot elements revealed, stop reading now.)

The film has been labeled as a "prequel," but in the true meaning of the word, it really isn't. Yes, we get the backstory on the major characters and setting. We meet James T. Kirk the minute he's born and watch as he grows up in Iowa as a wild kid trashing his step-dad's classic Corvette and later as a cocky teen who even in the middle of a bar fight is brash enough to smirk when he accidentally touches a woman's breasts. (Now we know how turned into the always-horny Captain Kirk as played by William Shatner in the original series who always got the girl.) Of course all is forgiven because he's really good at being a Star Fleet cadet with the skills to challenge authority and get away with it. This isn't really a ground-breaking character, either; it's Hippolytus, Icarus, Mercutio, and every role Tom Cruise played in the 1980's from Top Gun to Days of Thunder, right down to the killer smile, buff bod, and bright blue eyes. We also see Spock growing up as a tormented youth on his home world of Vulcan; made to feel like an outsider by his own feelings and his bullying classmates. That's not exactly a new plot line either; nerdy kids getting beat up is the stuff of classic farce. We are introduced to the rest of the crew -- Dr. McCoy (Karl Urban), Uhura (Zoe Saldana), Sulu (John Cho), Chekhov (Anton Yelchin), and Scotty (Simon Pegg) -- in such ways that fill in the backstory of each of them -- how Dr. McCoy came to be called "Bones" and what Uhura's first name is -- and giving us sense of comfort of being with these friends because you recognize them. But from there on we leave the past future behind, so calling it a "prequel" isn't quite accurate.

The storyline takes a sharp turn away from the reality we came to know through the five TV series, the previous ten films, and countless other stories in books and fan fiction and creates its own time-line. Ironically, it uses one of the oldest plot devices in the Star Trek canon: time travel and the paradox of changing the past to correct the future. This time it is in the hands of a renegade Romulan named Nero (Eric Bana) who travels back in time to seek revenge on Spock for failing to protect his world from destruction by a supernova. Nero therefore plans to destroy Vulcan. He succeeds in imploding the planet, and Kirk and his crew set out to destroy Nero, and they do. But contrary to the deux-ex-machina gimmick of time travel and temporal disruption often seen in the series (most notably the Star Trek Voyager two-part episode "Year in Hell"), the old timeline is not magically restored at the end of the movie: Vulcan has been destroyed, the Vulcans are, as Spock puts it, an "endangered species." This opens up many unexplored world for subsequent films in this new universe while leaving the other intact. Open-minded Trekkers should welcome this. There are, as Spock once observed, always possibilities.

Alan Alda once noted that eighty percent of people who go to the movies are between the ages of 12 and 22 and they go to see three things: defiance of authority, destruction of property, and people taking off their clothes. This movie has all three of them, and I suspect, screenwriters Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman knew they had to fill that quotient; besides, that's what people expect from an action-adventure movie with merchandising tie-ins to Burger King. (If it's any guide, the trailer trash preceding the showing of the film was nothing but previews of forthcoming doom, destruction, and skin. The theatre knew their prospective audience.) But since this is Star Trek and you can't really do it without a Message, it has that as well: the powerful relationship between fathers and and their offspring and how our past truly does foretell our future. Even with all the pyrotechnics and scenery chewing by the bad guy, it's surprisingly well-done.

Spock is one of the most enigmatic and fascinating, so to speak, characters in contemporary drama. Whole books have been written about this distant yet compelling half-human/half-Vulcan (and not a few people, both male and female, find him irresistible in terms of physical attraction). Kirk may have all the right moves and be the well-muscled hottie (done with the just the right amount of bravado and testosterone by Chris Pine), but if he is the brash flyboy of the Tom Cruise genre, then Spock (played with subtle brilliance by Zachary Quinto) is the wise elder played by the likes of Paul Newman (The Color of Money) or even Dustin Hoffman (Rain Man). (Or, to jump to a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, he is Obi-wan to young Luke Skywalker.) That makes him the central character in the story. In this film the writers have done more to add to the depth of his feelings (and giving at least a bow to Shakespeare) by providing him a scene reminiscent of Hamlet where he meets his future self (Leonard Nimoy) and calls him "Father." In this case, the loss of his mother and home provides him with the soul-searching that permeates his every move and calls into question his very essence as a Vulcan. There may be phasers and warp cores, man-eating monsters and artificial singularities that suck up entire planets, but this film is essentially about Spock. In purely dramatic terms, he is the one on whom the plot depends, and his choices, both in the future and in the now, determine the outcome by dealing with the dilemma that the once and future Spock faces.

Star Trek is a fun and highly entertaining film, and it is respectful enough of the source material to use some of the lines -- and even the type style for the title -- from the original series, as well as Alexander Courage's TV theme music for the closing credits. If this is the future of the Star Trek universe, then, to quote another captain of the Enterprise, make it so.

(Illustration by Quickhoney for Newsweek.)

Open Wide...

WoW/Shakesville Update

by Shaker UrsusRufus

The World of Warcraft-playing Shakers have come together on Steamwheedle Cartel and inaugurated a feminist, LBGTQI-friendly, socially progressive and as-democratic-as-we-can-make-it Guild: the Monstrous Regiment. We welcome all mature, progressive, and tolerant players to join us on the side of the Alliance to fight the Lich King and immature bigotry in Azeroth. While the core group so far are Shakesville posters, commenters, and lurkers, we voted to welcome anyone with similar ideals and a love of pwnage to join the Regiment.

We currently have a Yahoo!Group, now called MonstrousRegiment (doing it with a space between words was already taken), wherein we have run polls for what types and eventually what specific server to populate, whether to ally with the Horde or the Alliance, and nominations and polling for guild names. The Group also supports a database of character/avatars we play, both on Steamwheedle Cartel and other servers.

The proposed Guild Structure is the regular membership, with voting and Guild Bank privileges; a lower, probationary membership without Guild Bank access but with full voting rights; and a higher prestige rank that doesn't actually confer more rights, but just reflects that you've volunteered to help do things in service to the guild (organizing raids, public relations, web-page design, being the target nominal guild leader, and other such things). Titles for the ranks have yet to be decided on, but discussion on the Yahoo!Group will eventually lead to polls on that, too. We want to keep things democratic—which is a rarity in WoW—so a great many more polls will spring up now that we have a name.

If you play WoW, and would like to join us, look up MonstrousRegiment on Yahoo!Groups or email shakeswow@yahoo.com.

Open Wide...

Footloose in Findlay

A Christian high school in Findlay, Ohio -- just down the road from where I grew up -- is forbidding one of its students from attending a prom at another high school.

Tyler Frost, 17, a senior at Heritage Christian School, said he plans to attend the dance with his girlfriend, who is a student at Findlay High.

“Nothing’s going to change my mind, although I’m really shocked that this is happening to me,” the teenager said Friday night.

Heritage Christian is an 84-student Baptist school that forbids dancing, rock music, and hand-holding. Tyler signed a statement agreeing to the school’s rules at the beginning of the school year, principal Tim England said.

Instead of graduating with his class May 24, Tyler will be suspended and given an incomplete on his remaining assignments if he attends the prom. He would be barred from graduation, but would be given a diploma upon successful completion of his final exams, the principal said.
In the remake, the role of the principal will be played by Kevin Bacon.

Cross-posted from Bark Bark Woof Woof.

Open Wide...

The Virtual Pub Is Open



TFIF, Shakers!

Belly up to the bar,
and name your poison!

Open Wide...

For the Lambertaloonies


Interesting article about Adam Lambert—and, to be honest, it's of general interest, even if you don't watch or give a shit about American Idol, because the focus is on whether America is ready for an out(ish) idol. File it under: Feel the Homomentum!

Btw, this totally made me laugh: "...his celebrity rooting section, which ranges from Kathy Griffin to Hairspray director Adam Shankman..." Harris may as well have written, "his celebrity rooting section, which ranges from fag hags to fags...!"

Adam's fan base is probably a wee bit wider than Harris' examples may amusingly suggest, but, even if it weren't, we are the most loyal constituency. *haughty sniff*

Open Wide...

Um, what?

Another conservative who has an awfully funny definition of supporting the troops; in this case, treating them like a monolith and suggesting they're traitorous murderers:

CBS Sports commentator David Feherty drew criticism Friday for suggesting any U.S. soldier would murder House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) if given the chance.

"From my own experience visiting the troops in the Middle East, I can tell you this, though: despite how the conflict has been portrayed by our glorious media, if you gave any U.S. soldier a gun with two bullets in it, and he found himself in an elevator with Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and Osama bin Laden, there's a good chance that Nancy Pelosi would get shot twice, and Harry Reid and bin Laden would be strangled to death," Feherty wrote in an a D Magazine piece welcoming former President George W. Bush back to Dallas.

Feherty, a former professional golfer who now helps call golf events for CBS, said that troops love former President Bush by contrast, and praised the former commander-in-chief for having prevented additional terrorist attacks during his time in office.

Liberal media watchdog Media Matters for America demanded an apology for the remarks Friday.
Ya think?

You know, it's especially nervy to talk this kind of shit about the troops and the Democratic leadership when the vice president's son is serving in Iraq. Just sayin'.

Open Wide...

Quote of the Day

"I don't need some judge sitting up there feeling bad for my opponent because of their life circumstances or their condition, and short-changing me and my opportunity to get fair treatment under the law! Crazy nonsense empathetic. I'll give you empathy. Empathize right on your behind. Craziness."—RNC Chair Michael Steele, on President Barack Obama's statement, with regard to finding a replacement for retiring Justice David Souter on the Supreme Court, that he views "that quality of empathy, of understanding and identifying with people's hopes and struggles, as an essential ingredient for arriving as just decisions and outcomes."

Open Wide...

The Wave

by Shaker Allie Carter, Senior Field Manager for the ACLU of Illinois. She and her partner plan to marry in July of 2010. Whether or not the State of Illinois chooses to recognize their marriage remains to be seen.

There has been so much good news lately for gay and lesbian couples and their families. Every week, another state recognizes marriage equality. The developments in Iowa, Vermont, Connecticut, Maine and New Hampshire have each come with inspiring stories of leaders and legislators – liberal and conservative alike – taking a stand for traditional American values like fairness and common decency. The court decisions and passage of legislation have rushed by, hardly allowing time to properly celebrate each incredible, hard-won victory before turning to the next. After so many years of heartbreaking referendum battles, it is an amazing time.

In Illinois, we're engaged in a struggle to pass a civil union bill. House Bill 2234, the Illinois Religious Freedom and Civil Union Act, would enable both same sex and opposite gender couples to access all the state legal rights and protections of marriage, without the word marriage. Gay and lesbian couples and their families would finally be able to make emergency medical decisions for each other, to share pension benefits – and bury their loved ones with dignity.

While this measure is not marriage – I only wish that it were – it is an important step on the road to full equality in the Prairie State. And, equally important, it would bring the legal protections that families in Illinois need right now – that cannot wait for the longer struggle passing a marriage bill will require.

While traveling the state, I have met many people, couples and families desperate for the legal protections of marriage or civil unions. Patrick, a resident of McHenry county, told me the horrifying story of finding his partner of many years dead of a heart attack. Despite their years of commitment and shared lives, the morgue refused to release his partner’s body for nearly two weeks – searching for an estranged sister to grant permission so that Patrick could give his loved one a proper burial.

We have only a few weeks to pass this bill out of the Illinois General Assembly. If you live in Illinois, please take the time to contact your state representative and urge them to support House Bill 2234. You can send a free fax at action.aclu.org/ilcivilunion. And then, contact your friends in Illinois and ask them to do the same. We are within a hairsbreadth of passing this important legislation. Grab your teaspoons, Shakers!

Open Wide...

Daily Kitteh

Sophie vs. The Bag


"You think you can get the better of me, Bag?"


"Your wily handle is no match for me NOM NOM."


"Grr, I will bite you!"


"I totes won. That bag doesn't even EXIST anymore."

Open Wide...

Assvertising

This is a new advert from Minute Maid for their "Enhanced" juice, the premise of which is that if you don't put good stuff into your body, your body won't work right—including your brain. [Transcript below.]


So drink Minute Maid Enhanced, or else you'll embarrass the hell out of yourself by mistaking a nun for a lady with whom you had drunken unprotected sex!

See, it's extra funny because she's a nun! And therefore a VIRGIN!* Titter. Not a BIG SLUT with legions of babydaddies like he assumed her to be when he didn't drink Minute Maid Enhanced, because men are DUMB and so disconnected from their children's lives they can't tell the difference between their kids' teachers and women they had sloppy spring break sex with a decade ago. Har har.

Great concept, Minute Maid. I'll run right out and purchase that juice now. *takes sip of water* Sorry! What I meant was: I will never buy this product.

--------------------------------

* No, not all nuns are virgins, but that's a common assumption and it's quite evidently part of the joke, such as it is, here.
[A woman and man are on an escalator. The woman touches the man's shoulder; he turns to look at her.]

Woman: Excuse me. I think you're the father of one of my kids.

Man: [smiling] No. [face drops with shock] Oh! Cancun. Spring Break '99.

Woman: [horrified] What?

Man: No?

Woman: No.

Man: Oh!

Voiceover: Oops! Someone forgot to boost! [image of Minute Maid "Enhanced" juice" accompanied by "Juice!"]

[The same scene starts over, only this time the main is drinking Minute Maid Enhanced.]

Woman: Excuse me. I think you're the father of one of my kids.

Man: [recognizing her] Oh, my daughter's in your art class. [holds up wrist to show crafted bracelet] Sister Mary Catherine.

Woman: Yes!

Voiceover: Minute Maid Enhanced—with a five-nutrient boost. Put good in. Get good out.
[Assvertising: Parts One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen, Fifteen, Sixteen, Seventeen, Eighteen, Nineteen, Twenty, Twenty-One, Twenty-Two, Twenty-Three, Twenty-Four, Twenty-Five, Twenty-Six, Twenty-Seven, Twenty-Eight, Twenty-Nine, Thirty, Thirty-One, Thirty-Two, Thirty-Three, Thirty-Four, Thirty-Five, Thirty-Six, Thirty-Seven, Thirty-Eight, Thirty-Nine, Forty, Forty-One, Forty-Two, Forty-Three, Forty-Four, Forty-Five, Forty-Six, Forty-Seven, Forty-Eight, Forty-Nine, Fifty, Fifty-One, Fifty-Two, Fifty-Three, Fifty-Four, Fifty-Five, Fifty-Six, Fifty-Seven, Fifty-Eight, Fifty Nine, Sixty, Sixty-One, Sixty-Two.]

Open Wide...

Friday Blogaround

This blogaround brought to you by Shaxco: "If it's made by Shaxco, then the country's best days are behind us!"

Recommended Reading:

Andy: CNN on Obama and Gay Rights: 'Think 10-Foot Pole'

Mar: How Male is the Recession?

Resistance: Racism Hurts Kids' Mental Health

Lindsay: Kirstie Alley Fat-Hates Herself

Latoya: Gisele Bündchen's Photo Shoot is a Study in Interpreting Racially Charged Images

Dori: Privilege Privilege Everywhere...but Not a Drop to Drink

Leave your links in comments...

Open Wide...

Woot!

Sanity Is Restored: Obama eliminates the main source of federal funding for abstinence-only sex ed.

Open Wide...

Help Us, Maude

Judd Apatow + Seth Rogen + Adam Sandler = Sob.

Also appearing in Funny People: Jonah Hill, Andy Dick, and Dave Atell.

By my count, that's way more than four horsemen.

Open Wide...

Action Items & Updates

Raise your voice for Sima Valand.

Contact Sen. Baucus; demand single-payer be put on the healthcare reform table.

[H/Ts to Shakers Rachel and Seitan Worshiper.}

UPDATE 1: (Background) Marks & Sparks has backed down: "Marks and Spencer has agreed to end its policy of charging more for larger bras after a campaign by customers. The store took out adverts in Friday's newspapers admitting it had 'boobed' and promising to standardise prices." [H/Ts to Shakers SapphireCate and The Bald Soprano.]

UPDATE 2: (Background) A deal between the British and Lao governments has been struck that may allow Samantha Orobator to serve her sentence in the UK if she is convicted. "A spokeswoman for the legal charity Reprieve welcomed the agreement. 'It is great news but we are still concerned that it is enacted early enough for Samantha to come home while she is still fit to travel,' she said." Orobator has also finally been appointed a local attorney. It's still a huge clusterfuck, but there is some movement.

Keep blogging it. Speak Orobator's name. Let them know we're paying attention.

Open Wide...

My Nana: Strong Like Ox, Smart Like Fox

by Shaker Caitiecat, a director, actor, assistant stage manager, former President (of the theatre!), sign painter and all-around theatre nut. While there was a time when people mistook her for a boy, that time is, most thankfully, well in the past, and it doesn't prevent her from being proudly feminist, and very proud of her family's herstory. This one's for you, my dear Nanas, may you both rest peacefully.

I'm a long-time theatre buff (not unlike Shakesville's dearly-loved Mustang Bobby), and as such, have been volunteering with my local community theatre for about ten years. Seven years ago, our building burnt down: we reopen, finally, in a month. As a part of that, we've been doing night after night of cleaning and painting and sanding and so on, getting the building ready.

On Wednesday night, my crew was working: one man had shown up, and seven women. The guy (a lovely fellow!) went home a bit early, as he had to be up early for work. Our work that night consisted largely of scrubbing a concrete floor down to the bare concrete: no spots, no stains, no crusty caulking spots, all that stuff.

As we worked, I looked around me, at a group of women sweating and grunting, committing to the job entirely. It occurred to me that, a generation or two ago, this would have been considered part of a woman's daily task in the Western world (and in other places, it still is, largely), and derided as not worthy of respect.

I spoke up, while I took a short break, brushing some sweaty hair out of my eyes:

"Y'know...a while back, this would have been our daily lot, for most of us. For our grandmothers, it was. And they called us 'the weaker sex'. Imagine that? Immensely strong people who got up every day and worked, unpaid, through several hours of physically draining, gruellingly painful labour, unpaid...and we're weaker?"

And what was really cool was how we then worked into a discussion, as we scrubbed, about the amazing strength of our grandmothers. One woman mentioned that her Gramma had been a real Rosie the Riveter back in the day, and had arms that looked like Popeye's—huge forearms, and she had big strong shoulders too. Another said that her Oma had been a lunch-lady in a large school, and how she, too, had huge strong forearms, and that hugs from her felt keenly balanced between lovingly squeezed and utterly crushed. My own Nanas were a seamstress and a lunch-lady, and both worked hard all their lives. My one Nan had huge calves from working treadle switches constantly, the other could hold a full soup tureen in her bare arms, heat and weight both trivial to her.

We spoke for maybe ten minutes, and the smiles as we went around were like magic. It was marvelous, and invigorating, to realise we came from a line of intensely hard-working women, and that our own hard labour was contributing to that continuity. It somehow made it easier to carry on: we got more done than we'd expected.

Who were your foremothers? What were their strengths? Share your pride in them here, and remember them while you do your own daily work, whatever that might be.

Open Wide...

Still Talking

Former Vice President and current fuckneck Dick Cheney is still offering hawt advice to the party he spent eight years running into the ground:

"This is about fundamental beliefs and values and ideas … what the role of government should be in our society, and our commitment to the Constitution and constitutional principles," Cheney said in an interview with North Dakota radio host Scott Hennen Thursday, according to a transcript.
Ooh, North Dakota radio host Scott Hennen?! Cheney's really mingling with the movers and shakers these days! Tell us more, Admiral Assbar. *puts chin in hands and waits to be wowed*
"You know, when you add all those things up, the idea that we ought to moderate basically means we ought to fundamentally change our philosophy," Cheney also said. "I for one am not prepared to do that, and I think most of us aren't. Most Republicans have a pretty good idea of values, and aren't eager to have someone come along and say, 'Well, the only way you can win is if you start to act more like a Democrat'."
Genius. I totally agree, Lieutenant Loserton. That's exactly the same advice I'd give to the Republicans—don't moderate; stand your ground! The moral lowground does make a nice vacation spot but many of us, but you really own it, and you should defend that shit with your every last collective breath.

In fact, not only should you not moderate, but you should move even further right. Just go for broke, you crazy kids. Make Uncle Dick the happiest fuckneck on the planet!

Open Wide...