Last night's episode will be discussed in infinitesimal detail, so if you haven't seen it, and don't want any spoilers, move along...
Lost Open Thread
Last night's episode will be discussed in infinitesimal detail, so if you haven't seen it, and don't want any spoilers, move along...
lol your cereal dramatica
(There's no transcript. It's just a riff on the shitty music you'd hear in a Michael Bay film.)
The Ladies, Continued
[Part One here. Please note: These are not Photoshopped images. They are actual unretouched public images of women. Please do not adjust your screen or call the authorities. These women are not Impossibly Beautiful, though they are beautiful, in every way.]
This is one of my favorite pictures of Mama Shakes (which I am posting with her permission, of course), taken in Central Park during the summer of 1980.
And, as I mentioned the other day, my grandmother Mil had a wonderful sense of humor, which is evident here, in the note she included on the back of this photo taken at Christmas, 1979, and mailed to my mom, her daughter, in January. (It is important to note, here, that in 1979, I was five years old, and I was a cowgirl, and, as such, I received a Lone Ranger playset, including poseable horse and Lone Ranger action figures.)
[Click to embiggen.]
The note reads: "I was going to send a picture of me on roller skates, but I lost my skate key. See how happy Grandma is? She sits, a great big lumpy blimp, laughing all by herself. Perhaps the Lone Ranger told her a joke."
More bonus Lil!
Little Liss, in one of her cowgirl outfits (those are cacti on my shoulders), poses nicely with Lil. And later, after the two troublemakers have used up all their energy behaving for a single picture, Lil teaches Lissie how to make a stupendous piggy face.
Children of the Backlash 2: Electronics Boogaloo
Well folks, I did it again. I watched Bravo teevee last night. There were ads. The following Verizon Hub commercial was among them:
Voice-over: Can you see a video about making paella, notify your entire family about paella night, and receive their immediate feedback...The technology is pretty cool. Here, though, we see a hardworking Supermom using it so that she can even more amazingly slave over a hot stove all day just so that her efforts can be rudely dissed by her proudly ignorant, ungrateful son. Supermom then uses said technology to go out of her way (and out of her pocket, one would presume) to make special alimentary arrangements for her narrow-minded scion.
Son: Hey mom, I don’t know what “pah-ella” is, but I’m not eating it, ever!
Voice over: You can now. You can even make back-up plans.
Mom [into phone]: I’d like to order a pizza for delivery.
Voice over: Introducing the Verizon Hub. The home phone reinvented.
[bland, pop-y music that sounds like it might be Jason Mraz swells in the background]
When I was coming up, we ate what was on offer. The rule was, if we really hated something, we didn't have to eat it, but we were not allowed to say anything against it. No whining "I don't like this!" allowed. That seemed fair and we eventually came to like and eat just about everything.
My big sister's kids have the same rule. It's not enforced ruthlessly. If there is a one-dish meal that a little one really hates, s/he can eat something else, but no complaining. My niece is in a phase where she is generally suspicious of soup (except for my cauliflower soup made with chamomile tea and flavored with gorgonzola and whiskey--go figure). When she was visiting me last October, she melted down over a bowl of chicken noodle. So yes, I gave her a banana and some peanut butter for supper. She had just turned four. The dudelet in the Verizon ad is more like fourteen.
So Shakers, a few questions: did you have picky-eating rules growing up? If you have kids, how do you handle picky eating? And finally, what is up with modeling bad behavior in commercials?
Sorry, But...
After mentioning Patti LaBelle in my Tina Turner post, I'm really obligated at this point to share Patti's jaw-dropping performance of the Acid Queen as well.
Nice
Fox is prepping a Saturday night gabber to be hosted by Wanda Sykes.
The Sykes show, which is expected to launch in the fall, would fill the void left by the recently canceled sketch series "MadTV."
Hourlong show would air at 11 p.m. According to Broadcasting & Cable, which first broke the news, the Sykes skein would look more like a panel series similar to Bill Maher's HBO show, as opposed to a regular talker.
Beyond the topical panel discussions, the series also will follow Sykes as she shoots field segments. [Variety]
I 
Kathy Griffin
Kathy Griffin protests Prop 8 and notes civil unions and marriage are not the same with a riff on the iconic "Union" scene from Norma Rae, a movie I've had occasion to mention several times recently, including as one of my favorite feminist films. If you've never seen the scene, here it is:
It's gonna take you, and the police department, and the fire department, and the National Guard to get me outta here! I'll wait for the sheriff to come and take me home—and I ain't gonna budge until he gets here! [stands on table, writes UNION on a sign, and holds it over her head defiantly]
Royal Meeting
President and Mrs. Obama meet the real Helen Mirren.
For the Discerning Gentleman Who Likes His Exploitation Tartany
Shark-fu sent me the link to this article about a new franchise of a Celtic-themed sports pub that's opened outside St. Louis. Called "The Tilted Kilt," the pub is, according to its website, "staffed with beautiful servers" wearing "knee-high socks and short, sexy plaid kilts with matching plaid halter tops under white shirts tantalizingly tied to show off the midriff."
In the photo of the uniform provided in the press kit received by the above-linked article's author, who notes that the pictured model is missing her head, one can also spy a replica sporran, a typical element of traditional Scottish Highland dress. You know, to give the wanton appropriation and bastardization of Celtic culture that adorable authentic flair.
Sort of like how the menu serves shepherd's pie alongside "such Celtic classics as the Buffalo chicken wrap, barbecue chicken pizza, and lasagna."
Really, unless you're serving organ meats by the bucketload and airing a sport called football in which the ball is actually footed around the field, you've got no business calling yourself a "Celtic-themed sports pub," which is to say nothing of the ignorant idiocy of calling anything "Celtic-themed," as if the culture of Edinburgh is indistinguishable from the culture of Dublin is indistinguishable from the culture of Cardiff is indistinguishable from the culture of Cornwall is… You get my drift.
But leaving all that aside, and taking as read (and written, and discussed, many times) that chains like Hooters and Twin Peaks, who fill their establishments with scantily-clad female servers and shitty food, are essentially the cafeterias of The Patriarchy, there's one thing I'd like to note about the garments provided for waitstaff at The Tilted Kilt: Kilts are menswear—which makes the tartan costumes less like, say, a Hooters uniform than the Playboy Club tuxedotards, i.e. menswear "girlified" and donned by women to serve men who objectify women dressed in girlified menswear, a concept that just blows my everloving mind.
Of course, most of the men who would enjoy a place like The Tilted Kilt will probably just see plaid and automatically go to "Catholic Schoolgirl," rather than ever realizing they're drooling over a woman in altered menswear.
I am Elmer J. Fudd, Millionaire
I own a mansion and a yacht.
U.S. Marshals seized Bernard Madoff's $1.5 million yacht from a slip in Fort Lauderdale, Fla. The 55-foot-long yacht, named "Bull" was towed while surrounded by federal law enforcement. The yacht is the sister ship of a $7 million yacht of the same name that currently sits in the South of France.
A source with knowledge of the case told CBS News that the government is in the midst of a systematic seizure of any and all property owned by the Madoff’s and further adding that "The house in Florida is next."
Additionally, a second vessel known as a Pathfinder: a 24-foot-long boat, named "Little Bull," also moored in Fort Lauderdale, was seized by federal agents.
By request, pondering the Diddy color struck casting call drama…
Crossposted from AngryBlackBitch.com.
There’s a lot going on in the world…the Justice Department plans to drop charges against Senator Stevens, the G20 Summit, the protests at the G20 Summit, Conficker confusion and so forth and so on…but a bitch has received several emails requesting my thoughts on the Diddy color struck casting call drama.
Blink.
Alrighty then!
Shall we?
This bitch grew up in a time when lighter skin was considered prettier by magazines and casting agents and even by certain members of my family who were the very definition of color struck. So coming to adore my Hershey brown (dark chocolate in the summer) skin tone took some time…a lot of inner work…and the blessings that come from the dedicated study of bitchitude.
But the recent re-do of the landmark baby doll test tells us that internalized notions of black not being beautiful and darker black skin being even more not beautiful are alive and well. Despite the protests of many, we are not post-racial and the wounds of bigotry are often visible when many a person of color looks in the mirror.
When I ponder the drama over some sort of casting call sent out for a Ciroc vodka commercial (Diddy is a spokesperson…more on that in a minute) in which lighter skinned women of color were specifically requested, I initially felt the sting of a lifetime spent in a community that often frets getting darker in the summer sun the way some white people fret losing their tan over winter.
Whoever sent that shit out should have anticipated some serious drama even though casting calls are the very definition of insulting as hell for one reason or another.
Then I took a step back and remembered that those Ciroc commercials are insulting for a lot of reasons…and this skin color casting call shit is not at the top of the list.
I dislike the poor production quality of the commercials…they come across as if Diddy’s friends decided to film him over a weekend spent indulging in every possible materialistic excess using their fucking cell phones or hand held cameras.
I dislike the definition of luxury sent out by that shit…and trust a bitch, Diddy announced his relationship with Ciroc stating that he was going to take that brand to another level. Well, he sure as shit took it some place, but it twasn't to the land of luxury. Instead, Ciroc vodka commercials look like cheap hastily put together music videos and feature depictions of women of color as objects in a Diddified world where we are necessary decorations for cars, parties and King like happenings.
Before this bitch can even ponder the skin color of the women in the commercials I must get past their hanging all over a perpetually bored looking Diddy, sending him looks of adoration and lust while they all fly across some body of water on a motherfucking speed boat...and then tossing out final looks of complete smug agreement as Diddy declares himself a king.
Pause…sip coffee…continue.
Suffice it to say Ciroc has a lot of explaining to do when it comes to approving Diddy’s brand identity…and the light skin color specificity shit is just the latest.
One of these days this bitch will land an endorsement deal and launch my Absolut Blackness campaign where all will be welcome as long as they aren't trifling.
Joe the Dumber
Since the public (more notably, Republicans) still feel that Joe the Not-Plumber actually has something to offer, groups like Americans for Prosperity tap on this schmuck to tell people at rallies why they should be against the EFCA. They feel he's a "role model" who could provide a "working perspective" on the issue.
When Keystone Progress tried to get some answers from Joe at the rally in Harrisburg, Joe came up empty, admitting that he doesn't know shit about anything.
Now that's what I call a really great Republican role model. Way to go!
Next week, Joe will be joining leading economists at a summit to opine on the best economic recovery strategy for America. Let me guess... "I don't care about Republicans or Democrats. All that matters is the best economy for America. Man, am I horny!"
[H/T to Amanda]
What Dreams Do Come
I have crazy-ass dreams all the time. (Long-time Shakers may recall the Fucktologists dream, as but one example.) In the middle of last week, I dreamt that Matilda sprouted big, black, feathery wings and flew to the top of an impossibly tall bookcase in a den that is not any existing part of our house. I asked her WTF, and she flew back down to the floor and told me she was a wizard, before turning her body white with black spots and then flying through a wall, leaving a red laser trail in her wake. In my dream, I caught her amazing departure on video, and thought, "I'm totally posting that."
My most recent bizarre dream was that Deeky and I were time-travelers working for a government agency, and we got sent on a mission to rescue a group of goth teens from a place posing as a school for the gifted but was actually a front for a dangerous cult. We had to rescue them because they were megasmart (like us), and America needed them, uncultified, for the country's future. Who says liberals aren't patriots?
All this crazy shit happened once we made our escape, and Deeky would get into trouble and I'd have to rescue him, and then I'd get into trouble and he'd have to rescue me, and naturally we kept wisecracking and calling each other assholes whenever we had to save one another's ass. Then, at the end of the dream, we met up with other members of our time-traveling team who were on different missions, and we were all in this limo going to LaGuardia Airport in NYC, which was where we would get on our special time-traveling airplane back to the present, and I was like, "Deeky's never been to New York before; do we have time to drive around the city a bit before we go?"
The driver said, "No, we don't. The flight leaves as soon as we get there." To which I replied, "You guys are assholes." Then the dream ended.
And when I awoke, my first sleepy thought was not, "What kind of vetting is going on at this highly secretive government agency that they're hiring Deeks and me?" but instead, "It's such bullshit that LaGuardia wouldn't hold a plane for time-traveling super-agents."
And it really is.
The Acid Queen is Back!
One of our fellow Wholigans (i.e. friend whose insane love of The Who rivals our own) forwarded this Tina Turner video to us from a recent show in the UK. I am so blown away that Tina would even consider resurrecting her infamous role from Tommy (the movie), especially when Patti LaBelle was the one who took it on during the anniversary concert in 1989.
Enjoy!
lol the onion
Renowned Hoo-Ha Doctor Wins Nobel Prize For Medical Advancements Down There.
[H/T everyone in the multiverse, and thanks to each and every one of you!]
Absurdist Snuggie News
First of all, what's up with this new Snuggie-type thing? It's sort of like a sweater vest for two, but with a little "porthole," if you will, just the size of an infant's face, allowing said infant to ... uhhh ... peek out. The effect is, unfortunately, more reminiscent of Kuato of Total Recall fame (see below) rather than something cutesy-utesy. I don't have anything to say other than "Jebus, that's creepy!" which I am guessing is so not the manufacturer's aim.
And then there's this article, wherein some Libertarian douche has been photographing various right-wing "celebrities" (like Joe the Plumber and Tucker Carlson (aren't both their fifteen minutes up yet?)) in a gently used Snuggie to dispel the myth "that conservatives and libertarians have no sense of humor." That anyone gives two fucks about Joe the Plumber and Tucker Carlson proves that your whole world view is a joke. Ergo...
Anyway, I did some research. I could find no evidence that Joe the Plumber is married. So I have to ask: Why does Joe the Plumber hate babies?
Assvertising
Ladies, you should get Pond's Age Miracle face cream so you, too, can receive unwanted advances by your old boyfriend, only to totes pwn him by looking hot when your new boyfriend strolls up and marks his territory by sort of sniffing you—because nothing's more embarrassing than visible fine lines and age spots when you're playing the pawn in a men's property rights battle. (Via.)
[A dude and a lady come from different directions and meet in the public space of an apartment building. They appear to recognize each other.][Assvertising: Parts One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen, Fifteen, Sixteen, Seventeen, Eighteen, Nineteen, Twenty, Twenty-One, Twenty-Two, Twenty-Three, Twenty-Four, Twenty-Five, Twenty-Six, Twenty-Seven, Twenty-Eight, Twenty-Nine, Thirty, Thirty-One, Thirty-Two, Thirty-Three, Thirty-Four, Thirty-Five, Thirty-Six, Thirty-Seven, Thirty-Eight, Thirty-Nine, Forty, Forty-One, Forty-Two, Forty-Three, Forty-Four, Forty-Five, Forty-Six, Forty-Seven, Forty-Eight, Forty-Nine, Fifty.]
Dude: [leering] Hi.
Lady: [breathy] Hi.
Dude: [leering] It's been a long time.
Lady: [terse] Ten months.
Dude: [leering] Ahh, you look great.
Lady: [disinterested] Hmm.
Dude: [leering] So are you living here?
Lady: [businesslike] No, I'm here to look at a flat.
Dude: [leering] The penthouse. Me, too. That's a perfect flat for one. [moves in closer] Or, uh, maybe even two.
Lady: [amused] Hmm. [second dude walks up behind her and arranges himself to indicate ownership] Just what we're looking for.
New Dude leads her away and Old Dude looks like he just smelled poop.
Text: Fix your past. Pond's Age Miracle.
How to "Tick Off the Devil"
1. Get chosen by God.
2. Develop incurable disease.
3. Dance, Dance, Dance!
My sister, TheLadyEve, just sent me an email with this trailer for Christian production company Uplifting Entertainment's new movie, C Me Dance. She writes,
Okay, so, I don't know if you are familiar with Uplifting Entertainment [...] but they have a new film: "C Me Dance." It caught my eye because it is set in Pittsburgh, but the notes on the website are what made me write you.Aside from LOLing at the dance-off comment, I'm not sure where to begin-- with the idea that contracting an incurable disease is being "chosen by God"? How about the notion that dudes love the devil? Or with the fact that, once again, gender stereotype-based marketing sells everyone short? Just thinking about it is giving me sentence fragments. So, I will merely submit the material and let you, dear readers, decide.
They state on the site: "Marketing Note: This movie is a chick flick with a manifested menacing devil. This will attract a wide demo of men and women."
I can only assume that they are implying that "chick flick" will attract women, and "the menacing devil" will attract men, which really says bad things about men and women. So their marketing department basically just dissed all of humanity.
[snip]
It is "Step Up 2: The Streets" but with Satan and doves. And a rare blood disease. What would Jesus do? Jesus would have a dance off.
Uplifting Entertainment thinks this trailer is suitable for all audiences, but there is one bloody second in it that visually references crucifixion, so skip to the transcript if you want to avoid that.
[sappy music]
Text on screen: A GENTLE ART
[sappy music]
Text on screen: FROM A GENTLE SOUL
Sheri: I just wanted to dance and hang out, dad, and now, all of this.
Dr. Beth Crowl: Unfortunately she’s in the advanced stages, and treatment’s not going to help. I’m sorry.
Sherri [crying]: Please!
Vince: It’s OK.
Sherri: Daddy, I’m so scared.
Text on screen: WILL CHANGE HEARTS
Jacob: When you looked at me...[shot of bloody arm]...I saw God.
Text on screen: FROM A SINGLE TOUCH
Vince: I know this sounds weird, Sherri, but it’s as if God has chosen you. And if that’s the truth? Man, this is gonna tick off the Devil!
Text on screen: WILL FACE EVIL
Sherri: It’s...Him!
Manifested Menacing Devil: “Na oom ash ta tey ah! “ (phonetic—if it means anything, please let me know what it says, and in what language)
[Fiery Truck Crash]
Manifested Menacing Devil [In Dad’s ear]: Yes. I do.
[Random screaming]
Woman in Water: Save me!
Woman with Devil Eyes: Remember a serpent? Disguised as a dove?
[Dancing on screen]
Manifested Menacing Devil: What do you know of hell, creature?
[More dancing on screen. Song lyrics rise with the words “you’re my saving grace”]
Voice Over of Woman whispering: All you have to do is stop, and I will leave you alone.
Wednesday Blogaround
Does this blogaround make me look phat?
Recommended Reading:
Steve: A Budget Perfect for April Fools' Day
Matttbastard: Kansas Middle School Displays Student-Made "KKK Board Game" During Open House
Piny: We Got Your Shibboleths Right Here
Lauredhel: Sexy Ads on Articles About Sexual Violence
Resistance: Less Crime, Better Food
Renee: When Genitals Are All the Rage
Leave your links in comments...
