I can't believe I've never done this one before.
Why I Hate The News (Yahoo Edition)
Actual Headline: Fewer adults would buy foreclosed homes: survey.
Ummmm... okay. And what would toddlers buy?
Important Announcement
This cat, right here?
Has been engaged in a vast operation, the primary objective of which is to drive me batshit fucking nutz, for the entire afternoon. The technique involves running in mad circles around my feet, whining and chirping and trilling and biting my ankles relentlessly, for approximately 10 minutes, followed by 5 minutes of standing next to me pawing and gnawing at my thighs and elbows. Repeat. And repeat. And repeat.
Unfortunately, the furry beast failed to achieve her directive, because I just spent 20 minutes vigorously rubbing her until she was hopelessly trapped behind a deadly force-field of static electricity.
"I'll get you next time, Two-Legs!"
Letters, I Write Them
by Shaker Incertus
Dear Freakonomics,
I know you folks like to be edgy and cute and look at economics in a different way than your more stodgy brothers and sisters, but this isn't funny. Even if I grant you that comparing prostitution to rice consumption is a legitimate economic comparison--and I'm not going to do that, as it places women and their sexuality in the category of a commodity to be bought and sold on the open market--what you did in the closing of the column is inexcusable. You asked your readers to "[provide] the best answer to the question of what prostitutes and rice have in common," and offered a prize for the winner, all without even stopping to consider what would come in the comments. Here's a small sampling:
they both seem more desirable when you're not getting any — frankendufThat's just from the first 20 or so comments. There were 136 comments by the time I started this post, and only a very small fraction weren't of this type. Euclid, at comment #35 inadvertently got the answer right when s/he said "They are both tasteless." Euclid was just directing the answer at the wrong group--it's Steven Leavitt, who asked the question, and the commenters, who took this as an opportunity to let loose with some sexist and racist jokes, who were the tasteless ones.
The wild varieties are the best! — Jason
San Francisco — billy
More prostitutes eat rice than any other staple?
"Rice. It's what's what does the trick." — Jon L
In desperate times there is no substitute — Matt
Consumption of both increases in a recession.
Both can be small or large, hard or soft, and white or brown.
The desire to consume again returns very shortly after a serving. — Eric
Southeast Asia has a large domestic supply of both. — Tim
Despite the recommendation of suppliers, both should be washed before before eating. — Mike M
Yeast infections? — X
Sometimes they're sticky? — The Notorious H.A.M.
(Crossposted.)
Caption This Photo
"Whereas President Bush's brain was the approximate size of an
acorn, mine is closer in size to that of a large cantaloupe."
Kate Hudson, You Are Getting on My Last Good Nerve
Kate Hudson was already at the top of my shitlist for starring in the upcoming heap of execrable misogybaggery Bride Wars (for which she pocketed $10.8 million, btw), but she's managed to aggravate me even further:
"I'm actually enjoying being single right now because I really never have been," Hudson – who's dated Lance Armstrong and Owen Wilson – tells InStyle magazine for its January issue.Kate, this is America and you're a multi-millionaire. It's possible for you to stay single for the rest of your life.
"I feel good in relationships," says the 29-year-old actress. "I enjoy them, so I feel my best when I'm in something solid. But it's also the first time I've ever taken a step back and gotten a new perspective."
"So," concludes Hudson, "I've made a conscious decision to try to stay single as long as possible."
Legally, you will never be forced to marry someone against your will, unlike millions of women around the world.
Financially, you will never be forced to partner with someone to make sure that you and your child have something to eat and a place to rest your heads, unlike millions of women around the world.
Emotionally, you can use your substantial resources to secure the assistance of psychological health professionals if you really can't stop yourself from getting into a relationship, unlike millions of women around the world.
Do I sound like I'm picking fights over semantics? Tough. It isn't semantics to her.
Try to be a little responsible with your privilege, willya?
Meanwhile, on the Other Side of the Pond…
…someone who tries the old "conscience clause" maneuver to get out of doing her job gets a very different reception than she would here:
A tribunal ruling in favour of Christian registrar Lillian Ladele who refused to "marry" gays was based on a "fundamental error", an eminent employment law judge said this week.Hmm, another Christian who doesn't seem to understand the basic precepts of Christianity, including that little concept about all humans being sinners. Perhaps you've heard of that Jesus fella, Ms. Ladele? His whole being born (see: Christmas) and dying (see: Easter) were pretty much all about that central tenet of the religion so important to you that you're willing to discriminate against your fellow citizens and risk your very job for it.
Justice Sir Patrick Elias, President of the Employment Appeal Tribunal, criticised the judgement in support of Ms Ladele, who was threatened with the sack by the Town Hall because of her refusal to take part in civil partnership ceremonies. The 47-year-old believes gay couples are "sinners".
Islington Council appealed against the decision in her favour, arguing that its strict employment code meant staff could not hold discriminatory views based on sexual preference and that Ms Ladele was not fulfilling her job description.Can you imagine CVS suing one of its pharmacists for not doing their bloody job in the US? Me, neither. And I can imagine even less an American judge explaining why the original ruling was wrong with an example like this:
[Tribunal barrister Helen Mountfield, an employment law specialist] said: "Employing someone who discriminates against someone on grounds of sexual orientation sends an unacceptable message. This is a case of considerable wider importance and we believe the tribunal has misapplied the law. … What if I go into a job interview and the employer will not employ me because he says it is his strongly held religious belief that a woman's place is in the home?"Oh, snap! Mountfield also noted that upholding the original ruling "would allow religion to become a 'trump card' and outweigh other employment equality rights."
It's like a whole different magical universe or something.
A verdict from the Employment Appeal Tribunal, led by Justice Elias (who, I shit you not, is known as "the Pele of employment law"), is expected by the end of the year.
[H/T to Shaker YeomanPip by email.]
Happy Birthday from the Most Horrible Parents in the World
I don't even know what to say about this: A New Jersey couple got turned down by their local ShopRite supermarket when they requested a birthday cake for their son—because the kid's name is Adolph Hitler Campbell.
He's one of their three kids; the other two are named JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell. (Admittedly, I'm not up on the white supremacist hero lexicon, but I don't even get that last one. Were they going for Himmler? WTF?)
Anyway, the store offered to make the cake and leave room for the Campbells to insert the name themselves, but they turned them down and then apparently called the media to bat their eyelashes and wonder what all the fuss was about.
I suppose it's too much for which to hope that Child Protective Services sees the story (along with the accompanying photo gallery of the Campbell's Nazified home) and removes those poor kids now while they only need a decade of intensive therapy.
[H/T to Shakers Indy and Angelos.]
Quote of the Day
"I was aware of the program, certainly, and involved in helping get the process cleared, as the agency in effect came in and wanted to know what they could and couldn't do. And they talked to me, as well as others, to explain what they wanted to do. And I supported it."—Outgoing Vice President Dick Cheney, on "the tactics that were used against Khalid Sheikh Mohammed," the alleged mastermind of the 9/11 attacks. Those "tactics" included waterboarding, and, in this interview, Cheney is explicitly asked as a follow-up if he thinks waterboarding was appropriate, and he says, bluntly and without qualification: "I do."
35 days.
Red States
One of the stories to which Pet linked in the Morning Readings is about two gay male penguins who were given eggs to hatch and "turned out to be the best parents in the whole zoo," resulting in the zoo—Polar Land in Harbin, China—promising to "try to arrange for them to become real parents themselves with artificial insemination."
And all I could think when I was reading this story was how extraordinarily fucked up it is that, if you want to be a parent, you're better off being a gay male penguin in China than a gay male human in Arkansas.
I wonder what Governor Huckabee would have to say about all this.
More Cabinet Picks
Arne Duncan, superintendent of Chicago schools, has been chosen as President-Elect Obama's Secretary of Education. I'm pretty wev about this choice. Duncan's done some good clean-up in Chicago and recognizes the reality that educator accountability is nothing without financial investment (and vice versa), but he also (like Obama) supports vouchers, on which I'm not keen. UPDATE: Having read more now, it looks like he supporters charter schools, but not vouchers.
Frankly, education is another area where I'm glad to see Obama righting the apple cart, but I've always wanted it filled with oranges. The American educational system needs a radical overhaul; Duncan ain't gonna do it. But he's going to be competent, which is a change from the last eight years, anyway.
Ken Salazar, Democratic Senator from Colorado, has been chosen as President-Elect Obama's Secretary of the Interior. In other countries, that title is effectively equivalent to what we call the Chief of Homeland Security, so for our non-US Shakers, let me just briefly explain: Our Secretary of the Interior oversees the literal (state-owned) land in the US, totaling about 500 million acres, via agencies including the Bureau of Land Management, the United States Geological Survey, and the National Park Service.
I have no knowledge whatsoever of Salazar's credentials (or lack thereof) for this position; maybe some Coloradan Shakers can share their opinions on his selection. What I know of him generally is kind of a mixed bag. He voted yea on confirming Condi Rice as Secretary of State and he voted for the heinous bankruptcy bill (like our veep-elect; grumble), but he's also knocked heads with Daddy Dobson and doesn't dig the Patriot Act.
For those keeping demographic tabs on Obama's Colorful Cabinet, Duncan is white; Salazar is Hispanic.
Movies You Can't Netflix: Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker
(In which I yet again share my thoughts on an obscure sequel: Today's film is brought to you by the Christmas Spirit, 1992.)
Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker is a sequel to Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation which is not a sequel to Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out!. This one at least follows the previous film, though indirectly, by making Kim and Lonnie from part four the next door neighbors. Clint Howard even manages to return as Ricky, despite have been turned into worm food, literally, in the last outing.
For those of you who don't know, Silent Night Deadly Night 4 was kind of like Suspiria, but with Clint Howard. I guess that makes Silent Night Deadly Night 5 like Toy Story, but with Clint Howard. Except the toys here are more dangerous than Tim Allen after an eight day coke binge.
Someone has been anonymously leaving gift-wrapped little toys for a young boy named Derek on the family's porch. The first one is unwrapped by his suspicious father. It looks like an oversized Pokeball, but soon reveals itself to be a demented Santa music box that churns out a death march before attaching itself, Alien face-hugger-style, to poor old dad and sucking the life out of him.
Witnessing his father's death has rendered Derek mute. Mom, on the other hand, doesn't seem all too broken up. In fact, you'd be hard pressed to tell her spouse had passed away at all. I guess we all deal with grief in different ways. Susan makes sandwiches for her son and otherwise behaves as if nothing happened. To be fair, she does express some mild concern for her son, and decides to buy him a nice toy to cheer him up.
Susan and Derek stop by Petto's Toys, in hopes of finding the perfect gift. Now, "Petto's" might look okay up on the façade of the shop, but saying it out loud makes it disturbingly pervacious. Shopkeeper Joe Petto is played by Mickey Rooney, and it made me wonder how broke, how desperate was he, that he had to appear in this. After 65 years in Hollywood, had he not saved enough money so he wouldn't be reduced to roles like this?
Joe Petto runs his shop with his son Pino, a stiff young boy with few social skills. When not imploring Derek to take a toy he built (a charming number called Larry the Larvae), he's breaking into Susan's house and sniffing around her underwear drawer.
All the while, packages keep showing up for Derek.
He manages to ditch them one after another. Unfortunately they end up mutilating whoever else happens to find them. A pair of rocket-powered rollerblades sends poor Lonnie into the path of a speeding car and straight into traction. If it ain't witches trying to sacrifice him, he's got to worry about demented toy makers.
Another toy burrows into some poor sap's head while driving, causing him to run off the road. Of course, his car explodes in a huge fireball. (For the record, any time a car in a movie explodes despite having no real reason to, a little bit of joy is brought into my life.)
Who the toy maker is, isn't exactly clear. Odds are on creepy little Pino. But then again, who's that strange guy always lurking around the neighbourhood? And what's up with Joe? Did he really sabotage some toys and mangle a bunch of kids years ago? And is Pino what he really seems?
That last one is probably a yes, because "wooden" seems to describe more than just his personality. If you figured out he's not a real boy, pat yourself on the back, because you've proven yourself not a moron.
As strange as this film is, it takes a serious left turn right near the end, with the last ten minutes being truly bizarre. Any attempt to describe it wouldn't do it justice, and besides, it would ruin the surprise. That'd be like peeking at your presents before Christmas. And we know what happens to boys and girls who are naughty. Well, if this movie is any indication, they end up abducted by a deranged lunatic dressed as Santa and stuffed into his sack. But now I've already said too much. No more peeking, just track this one down yourself.
News of the Conchords
So, it's like this:
The other day I was doing a search for lip dubs to see if I could find another quality one to place here when I ran into this site. Apparently, a lip dub contest is being held to herald the premier of the NEW SEASON which starts on Jan 18th.
As for the contest, you need to get your lip dub moves on and lay some video down to the soundtrack of Hiphopopatamus vs Rhymenoceros. Here's one of the submissions:
So, all of you video freaks better get to work and make Shakesville proud!
Shoe-Throwing Journalist Reportedly Beaten in Custody
The brother of the Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at US President George W Bush has said that the reporter has been beaten in custody.The Iraqi journalists' union disputes the claim, but hasn't actually been to see al-Zaidi.
Muntadar al-Zaidi has suffered a broken hand, broken ribs and internal bleeding, as well as an eye injury, his older brother, Dargham, told the BBC.
...Which may be due to his having been transferred to the US-run prison, Camp Cropper, according to the Iraqi TV network al-Sharqiya. They also report that al-Zaidi's right arm is immobilized and he has "signs of tortures on his thighs."
I want to echo Digby on this:
I actually thought Bush handled this thing quite well. He was literally quick on his feet and didn't take it too seriously. (I thought the "I saw into his sole" thing was particularly good.) He could do a great thing right now by making a public appeal to the Iraqis to pardon this man. It would be magnanimous and do his personal reputation a world of good --- and it would be good for both countries.
Contact the White House (by phone would be best) and politely ask them to support clemency for al-Zaidi.
Word Salad for Today
Following up yesterday's adventure down the rabbit hole of spam poetry, here is today's entry: e e cummings meets the Kama Sutra.
Give woman the first thing she expects from you - the unforggetable pleasureI can't wait until Ogden Nash meets Gertrude Stein.
Before by his master, and who now, after one or with all
his counsellors.(it was thus that i addressed on our door,
executing a small wardance in the again that the royal sage
sudyumna, only by wielding like his sire, for, behold, disregarding
the prosperity.
This one came to my work e-mail, so it follows me like the wielding sire of hibiscus sent.
HT to Shaker Arkades for the title.
Late Night Daily Caganer -- 10 Days to Go
Long Live Our Gracious Queen (hint, hint - Tip Jar)
As I promised last month, I'm going to be doing a monthly Shakesville donations reminder, and as promised, I'm going to try to make it entertaining.
[Update:OK folks, really -- it's been just a month since most everyone here agreed that it was time to support Shakesville in tangible ways -- so far, of the 9,000 unique visitors today, 37 have donated -- that's less than 1/2 of 1% -- and as a monthly paycheck from what came in, it means that Liss is working full time for less than $15/day. I encourage you NOT to think: Somebody else will do it. (And again, if you really can't, you really can't, but if you really can, won't you please?)]
So, I've dug out some ancient footage of myself during my stint as a (fairly successful) lesbian stand-up comic and musician. The video below the fold was shot in 1991, live and in concert in Portland, Oregon.
A couple of notes on the vid to put it in context:
- This performance took place three years after Measure 8 (an anti-gay measure) passed in Oregon -- so, you might want to imagine yourself three years from now, when some of the wounds of the current craptastic "Prop 8" have healed a bit, but are still aching. I'm sad to say that the subject matter of this comedy routine is still completely culturally relevant, nearly two decades later. *sob*
- Remember that this was pre-"Ellen", Tammy Faye was just the wife of an imprisoned evangelist (not a gay-culture icon), the Gulf War was raging, and we had been under Republican administration for ten years (and still had two more to go).
- And here's some news that I'm excited about: The video is close-captioned -- just click the lower right corner to turn on CC (this is my first stab at close-captioning, so I'd appreciate it if any deaf or hard-of-hearing Shakers will give me feedback in comments if there are improvements to be made).
Go over to the paypal "Donate" link -- (Amazon Honor Pay has been discontinued by Amazon :( ). The Donate link is just under the Advertise Liberally banner in the right sidebar -- 'Liss keeps it down there so that the advertisers get better placement, 'cuz she's just that kind of cool -- anyway -- go to the Donate button, and make a donation -- even a small donation of $5 really, really helps.
Think of it as buying 'Liss a cuppa and a bagel, if you like, or like getting a whole month's worth of incredibly great writing, commentary, and community for less than a subscription to the Sunday Times, the Post, or the Seattle PI -- or, just think of it as putting your money where your mouth is, so Melissa can mouth off for us all.
If you really can't donate right now, that's completely cool -- no need for excuses or anything in comments -- I truly understand. If you can donate right now -- even a small amount -- please stick something in the tip jar to help keep our Queen Cunt riding high atop Fuck Mountain.
(ps. If you liked the video, and you're really, really good, I'll post another piece of Portly standup archival footage next month when I post the January donation reminder.)
Don't forget to tip your Hostess with the Mostest!
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(PortlyNote: Her Majesty emailed me this morning saying that the post met with Her approval, as long as I add the following: That since I'm busking on Melissa's behalf, 10% of donations raised will go to me -- at her insistence -- 'Cuz she's just that kind of cool. Thank'ee, Your Majesty.)
Question of the Day
Last week, Daniel Radcliffe was on Inside the Actors' Studio with the disturbingly pervacious James Lipson, and during the Q&A session that comes at the end of every show, Radcliffe did something that I find just eight thousand shades of endearing in a person: Told an embarrassing story about himself saying something utterly stupid.
It starts just at the 6:40 mark:
Audience Member: My name is R.J.; I'm a third-year actor at the MFA program, and I was just wondering about roles and you saying that—because of your physique, you should, or, I think— Have you ever thought about playing Napoleon, eventually?Brilliant.
Radcliffe: That would be awesome, man. [laughter] Okay, I'm sharing this with you because I feel like we've grown to like one another, [laughter] and this is probably the stupidest thing I have ever said. [laughter] And it is embarrassing.
I was in a night shoot once, and it was very cold, and Will Stegl (ph.)—who is my best mate, and has been my best friend for seven years, and he's in his 40s, and he's an amazing guy—and he put this, 'cause it was very cold, he put this dressing gown 'round me between shots, and I sort of held it like that [mimics holding it over his shoulders], and Will said, "God, you look like Napoleon!"
And I said, "Yeah," you know, "Great." [inaudible] And I said to him, "Will? [pause; scrunches face bemusedly] What was Napoleon's first name?" [laughter]
And he said, and he, and he looked at me, and he said, "It was Napoleon." [laughter] To which I replied, "What—Napoleon Napoleon?!" [laughter]
I will have to do some research if I do play him.
I've totally had moments just like that one, of saying something staggeringly daft with the gormless demeanor of the criminally naïve—which are only slightly better than moments in which I realize halfway through saying something record-breakingly dumb that I'm saying it and have to let the hideous thing pour out my mouth as I'm already cringing with the fervent desire for a life rewind button.
"Yoo-ick Pavilion" was the former. The worst case of the latter I've ever had was at a friend's flat in college, while lying around his living room, totally hung over on a Saturday afternoon, watching some infotainment news show that we used to love to mock in an MST3K sort of way every weekend while eating Chicken McNuggets. (It was a tradition; what can I say?) So this one week, they had a piece about how George Foreman named all his kids George, and, before I could stop myself, I went on a mindless tear about how it was bad enough to give all your kids the same name, but even worse to give them all a terrible name like—I looked at my friend's roommate, George, and felt my face go crimson as I choked out the name—George.
The thing is, I don't even think George is a terrible name. I was just blathering.
Luckily, they'd known me awhile, so they were already well aware that I am an idiot.
What embarrassingly stupid thing have you said that you'd like to share with us today?
