Hey, we're running a contest over at Ask the Blondes to determine the Best Advice Ever, Period.
E-mail us the best piece of advice you've ever received, in 250 words or less, by Sept. 22. We'll pick the best and send the winner... something.
(And of course, feel free to share your answer in comments here, though that won't get you a prize.)
Ask the Blondes Contest
Happy Birthday, Mustang Bobby!
Happy Birthday to youuuuuuuuu!
Happy Birthday to youuuuuuuuu!
You're as gay as a pink pair of shoe-oooooos!
And I love you as much as I love pink shoes, too!
Happy Birthday, doll!
*mwah*
The Virtual Pub Is Open
TFIF, Shakers!
Belly up to the bar
and name your poison!
By way of reminder, the Toca de Raposas Sports Bar is also open for business, and is conveniently located right next door, so I encourage our sports fans to stop by and mingle there, too! As always, drinks are on the house.
Goodbye, Gonzo
I literally cannot muster the slightest bit of energy to care about Alberto Gonzales' "low key" farewell ceremony, but if you've got a burning need to dive into the sadness of his poignant departure, Petulant's got video out the wazoo. I will say, with regard to the clip of the opening festivities, we so need a new national anthem.
"Hang on—I know I've got a lie here somewhere."
Good times.
Kathy Griffin on Ellen
Part One
Part Two
[If anyone can find a transcript, please drop a link in comments.]
Let's Get Some Nerd Love On
Hawt Aussie trio Tripod with a very romantic number about makin' sweet nerd love. This is so the theme song from Shakes Manor, it's not even funny. Although they need a verse that includes "just let me finish this post…"
H/T to Batocchio in comments, who wisely noted, "Given the Conchords and geek love here, I thought it'd go over well." Indeed!
Grade: F
I would say that the Bush administration couldn't be any worse if it tried, except I'm afraid they'll take me up on the challenge and prove me wrong. Still, this is pretty fucking pathetic:
Ten years after Congress ordered federal agencies to have outside auditors review their books, neither the Defense Department nor the newer Department of Homeland Security has met even basic accounting requirements, leaving them vulnerable to waste, fraud and abuse.The Department of Homeland Security has a $35 billion budget this fiscal year and has failed every annual audit except its first one in 2003. The Department of Defense, with a $460 billion budget this fiscal year, "has never even come close to passing," and because it comprises at least 20% of all federal spending, "the entire federal government also has failed its audits since the congressional mandate took effect." Nice.
An Associated Press review shows that the two departments' financial records are so disorganized and inconsistent that they have repeatedly earned "disclaimer" opinions, meaning that they simply cannot be fully audited.
But there's no proof that American taxpayers are being robbed blind by waste, fraud, and abuse. David Norquist, the chief financial officer at the Homeland Security Department, says oh-so-reassuringly, "If you left your front door unlocked, it doesn't mean your house got robbed. But you should be concerned if your front door is routinely left unsecured."
Yeah, and if you leave your pocketbook open in front of a Republican administration with a Republican majority, you might as well go ahead and call the cops.
And, yes, btw, David Norquist is the younger brother of Grover Norquist, who once said his goal "is to cut government in half in twenty-five years, to get it down to the size where we can drown it in the bathtub." Making government completely ineffectual is a good start.
You gotta love Republicans: Run on the platform that government can't work, then cripple it with abject incompetence, bloated deficits, and widespread corruption, then lie back and kick your feet up amongst the smoking ruin and say to your detractors, "See?"
Quote of the Day
"[W]hen you see George W. Bush saying, 'Can’t wait to cut that pig—cut into that pig tonight,' as he said on television recently, you just think, you idiot, you passé, useless, old-fashioned, redundant idiot. …He's a global embarrassment. …The truth about George Bush now is that nobody in America or across the globe has any reason, whatsoever, to believe anything he says."—Mozza, in a great LA Weekly interview from January that I meant to link a long while ago.
(He also, in the same interview, hilariously says that Condi Rice "has the sag of cruelty about her face, her eyes, her mouth. The jowl of cruelty.")
Leave Chris Crocker Alone!
Here's Your Hat...
Today's the last day on the government payroll for Alberto Gonzales and Tony Snow.
One was the Attorney General, the other was the White House Press Secretary, but both of them had pretty much the same job description: do whatever it took to obfuscate the president's policies, demonize his opponents, and use the powers of the government and their offices to politicize everything from hiring lawyers in the Justice Department to the White House Easter Egg Roll.
To be fair, they did exactly what their boss told them to do, and for that they at least lived up to the standards that he set -- which are roughly equivalent to those of a dress code at a cockfight.
Cross-posted from Bark Bark Woof Woof.
Listen, All Y'All, It's a Sabotage
The last couple of days, while riding the el, I've been thinking I need to put together a new blog project: going through a day of relatively normal activities and photographing every image I run across that's meant to trigger anxiety/feelings of inadequacy.
It's not even just the weight loss ads, though there are plenty of those. It's the "Don't let your kid fall out of a window!" ads. The "Do you suffer from...?" ads. The "Are you where you want to be in your career?" ads.
I said relatively normal activities up there because, frankly, "normal" for me doesn't involve getting out much. I write from home, and I usually stay in the neighborhood when I go out for lunch or a walk, so I see the same stuff every day. Thus, when I ride the el downtown, I see all these ads I'm not usually exposed to -- including those you can see from the train, not just the ones on it -- and it occurred to me the other night that if I actually commuted to an office downtown, I would be subjected to a couple dozen ads telling me how much I suck (nearly half of those offering me "help" for the undeniable problem of my fatness) just in the course of getting to and from work.
And then, as we've been discussing over the last couple of days, once you get to work, you are either conscripted into participation in Office Diet Talk, or you are a stuck-up bitch who thinks you're too good to hate yourself or something.
And then there are the ambushes, the self-esteem grenades you can't even begin to predict. Yesterday, I went into a store and tried on some clothes. As the saleswoman was walking me to the dressing room, she remarked on a very "body-conscious" pencil dress I'd picked out, "Oh, that is SO cute! I have it in brown!"
Me: Yeah, I love it! I hope it looks good on.
Her: Well [looks at my gut], you're gonna need Spanx. I've got the 12, and I definitely have to wear the Spanx. In fact, I'm trying to eat less just for this dress! Ha ha ha ha!
Me: Yeah, ha.
Hey, saleswoman, did I ask what you think of your own body, let alone mine? Did I ask what size you wear? Did I ask about your eating habits? Did I ask whether you think a curvy woman could rock this dress sans spandexical assistance? NO. And yet, you're still talking.
I can't even tell you how many times shit like that has happened to me. I have an exaggerated hourglass figure, which means I have two choices: wear clothes that show off my shape, or look like I'm wearing a tent from the boobs down. But clothes that highlight an hourglass shape will often also highlight the belly pooch that goes along with the wide hips, or the outer thigh saddle bags, for instance. This is because I am a human being, not Jessica Rabbit. I have come to terms with that.
But a whole lot of women who are in the business of selling me clothes are not so sanguine about my belly and thighs. They desperately try to steer me away from curve-conscious clothing -- or at least encourage me to put on some Spanx, for the love of Christ --because I don't actually look like a cartoon in it. I just look like me. THE HORROR.
So some days, it doesn't make a damn bit of difference how much I like looking like me; perfect strangers will still insist that I shouldn't like it. How dare you, a person who actually knows what your body is like and which clothes make you feel happy and which make you feel frumpy -- not to mention the person who will be paying for this garment -- believe your opinion is the only one that matters? It's almost like you trust yourself! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
And then, AND THEN... you've got your own family and friends to deal with.
Good with Cheese has a typically great post up today about eating lunch with her mom.Anyway, on Tuesday this week, she said she thought it was a double-chocolate cookie day. I just wasn’t feeling it; I really wanted the Fig Newton, so I told her she should go ahead and have the special cookie, but I was gonna go with the Newton. She became…well, pouty, and said if I wasn’t going to have the cookie, then she didn’t need it either.
Can I just tell you how much this kind of exchange drives me BATSHIT? As I said in GWC's comments, I have one ex-friend I always think of when stuff like this comes up. She? Is categorically A Dessert Person. I am not. I mean, I love plenty of sweet things, but given the choice between sweet and savory, I'll almost always go for the latter. This means that when I go out to dinner, I'm focused on the entree; if I'm still hungry after that, or if a particular dessert sounds so mindblowing I must try it, I'll have dessert. But usually, I don't, because I'm already perfectly satisfied, not because I have anything against dessert.
She, however, thinks dessert is the whole point of going out. She'll get a salad for an entree and only eat half of it because she's got her eyes on the prize; she's the type of person who deliberately saves room for dessert. I'm really, really not.
This means that every fucking time I've eaten out with her, she's gotten all excited about dessert -- and asked me to split one with her. And nearly every time, I've said, "No thanks, I'm full. You go ahead."
First, the cajoling: "Come on, don't you want dessert?"
No. I'm full.
But doesn't it sound good?
Sure, but I'm full. So right now, no, it's not particularly appealing to me.
Just a couple bites?
Really, I'M FULL. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO ORDER DESSERT ALL BY YOURSELF. IF YOU CAN'T FINISH IT, YOU ARE ALLOWED TO LEAVE SOME BEHIND. YOU DO NOT NEED A PARTNER TO EAT DESSERT. AND I AM FUCKING FULL.
Then comes the pouting. That's because she doesn't really want a partner in tackling the dessert, she wants an accomplice. Also, she's not asking to share because she thinks she can't finish it herself; she's asking to share because she thinks she can. She is stone terrified of devouring the world.
It doesn't matter how many fucking times I tell her to go ahead and order dessert. It doesn't matter that she ate a third of what I ate for dinner, specifically because she wanted dessert, and is probably still hungry at this point. It doesn't matter that she is a grown woman paying for her own meal. All that matters is, she has to choose between eating dessert alone and not ordering it at all.
The former choice is unbearable, so she takes the latter. And pouts. And it is all my fault. I have deprived her of dessert because I had the gall to fill up on food I actually craved. The fat chick doesn't even want dessert! (This woman is, of course, tiny.) How could she possibly be so bad, so indulgent, in light of that? How utterly mortifying would it be to admit she would like a piece of cheesecake when the fat chick is just having coffee? FUCKING FAT CHICK!
You'll note I said this is an ex-friend. There are numerous reasons for that, but I can tell you I sure as hell got sick of dining with her.
And all of this goes to the point Fillyjonk made in the midst of the whole dieting kerfuffle, a point that deserves to be made again and again and again: it is fucking hard to accept and trust your own body in this culture.
It is hard to feel adequate, let alone proud of yourself, when everywhere you look, there is literally a sign saying there's something wrong with you.
It is hard to accept the label of Weird Office Bitch instead of cataloguing your self-hatred along with your co-workers.
It is hard to have fun with fashion and enjoy adorning your imperfect body in clothes that make you happy, when perfect strangers are telling you you need a girdle and a diet before you even get the fucking thing on.
It is hard to simply eat what you desire and leave it at that, when even people you love cannot do the same -- and furthermore cannot shut up about the moral value of certain foods.
It is hard.
It is hard.
It is hard.
Sabotage lurks around every goddamned corner.
About the only thing harder is playing the game.
Prepare The Pink Slip!
Bush's scientific advisor, John Marburger, has had an epiphany that's sure to directly affect his job security:
Professor John Marburger, who advises President Bush, said it was more than 90% certain that greenhouse gas emissions from mankind are to blame.I think it's at least 90% certain that the scream machine, headed by the Senate's resident piss-ant, Inhofe, will want to call for Marburger's head on a platter, since we know how much Inhofe loves him some global warming talk.
There may still be some members of the White House team who are not completely convinced about climate change - but it is clear that the science advisor to the President and director of the Office of Science and Technology Policy is not one of them.Quite a line drawn in the sand, don't you think? I guess it's more dramatic than just simply retiring and calling it a day.
Either no one will give a shit what he says, or they'll fully embrace him for PR purposes to make it look like the administration just came up with the idea.
Leave General Petraeus Alone!
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!! I told you Chris Crocker was going to take over the world!
I welcome with open arms my queer teenage overlord.
[Thanks to Stephen for passing that along. Paraphrased Transcript (as President Bush): Ahhhhhhhh! ZOMG! You're BASTARD PEOPLE! I hate you and I hate your ASS FACE! Ahhhhhhhh! Screeeeeeeeeeech! ZOMG! Squeal! Waaaahhhh!]
Edwards' Response
As I mentioned yesterday, John Edwards bought airtime immediately after Bush's address to respond. The full transcript is below:
This week—as we will forever—we remember those lost on September 11th. And this week, Washington refocuses on Iraq. But the question of Iraq is separate from September 11th—as it has always been, whatever George Bush would have us believe.
Likewise, supporting our troops and pursuing a failed war are not the same things—whatever George Bush would have us believe.
All Americans honor the incredible sacrifice of our troops. They have done everything asked of them with courage and resolve. Now we should bring them home.
They are policing a civil war, and the only way to end that civil war is for both sides, Sunni and Shia, to take responsibility to end it by agreeing to a political solution. And the only way to force them to take responsibility is to withdraw our troops—starting now.
Unfortunately, the president is pressing on with the only strategy he has ever had—more time, more troops, and more war.
In January, after years of evidence that military actions cannot force a political solution, the president announced a military surge to force a political solution. In May, he vetoed a plan to end the war, demanded more time to show the surge could work, and Congress gave it to him. Now, after General Petraeus reports the surge has produced no progress toward a political solution, what does the president want? More time for the surge to work, when all of us know it won't.
Our troops are stuck between a president without a plan to succeed and a Congress without the courage to bring them home.
But Congress must answer to the American people. Tell Congress you know the truth—they have the power to end this war and you expect them to use it. When the president asks for more money and more time, Congress needs to tell him he only gets one choice: a firm timeline for withdrawal.
No timeline, no funding. No excuses.
It is time to end this war.
Bush's Changing Message on Iraq
Petulant grabbed video of Anderson Cooper's "Keeping Them Honest" segment, which traces Bush's evolving message from the beginning of the war through last night's "optimistic" speech. It's fun to watch him get increasingly belligerent as he tries to pretend that he's not moving the goalposts. Btw, I love how referring to Bush as "optimistic" has become the media's dog whistle for "Bush is delusional."
(The transcript is here, and begins at the line "BUSH: The success of a free Iraq is critical to the security of the United States.")
Bush: "Blah blah blah blah blah"
Well, Shakers, I honestly could not even be arsed watching the president's address last night. Every time we watch him speak, Mr. Shakes and I just scream angrily at the television, correcting all his lies and yelling at him what an embarrassment and a tyrant he is. So instead I just read it this morning—and it's a pile of horseshit just as I expected.
The WaPo explains why his announcement about the drawdown of troops is thorough claptrap: "[T]he Pentagon has no choice other than to carry out the withdrawals, unless Mr. Bush resorts to politically explosive steps such as further extending deployments. Another way of describing Mr. Bush's plan is that it leaves every available Army and Marine unit in place in Iraq for as long as possible. If the war were going worse than it is, the deployment schedule probably couldn't have been much different."
And that was about all the substance there was. The rest of his speech was just the usual incantations of "freedom" and "security" and "success," with no regard for anything even vaguely resembling reality. He rounded out the parade of poppycock with an invocation of one of his ubiquitous strawmen: "Some say the gains we are making in Iraq come too late. They are mistaken. It is never too late to deal a blow to Al Qaeda. It is never too late to advance freedom. And it is never too late to support our troops in a fight they can win." Yeah, okay. "Some" who say that the alleged gains we're making are coming too late are talking about how you denied there was an insurgency for about two years, allowing it to bloom and grow in the void of a dedicated counterinsurgency strategy. "Some" aren't saying it's "too late to advance freedom," though they may well (and rightly) be saying that your unwillingness to do what would be necessary to advance it (*cough*draft*cough*) means it's never going to happen, despite your gossamer promises. Et cetera…
Other than that, the only thing worth mentioning might be his expressed gratitude to "the 36 nations who have troops on the ground in Iraq." Completely absurd. Even the perpetually ridiculous Chris Matthews couldn't believe that one:
Matthews: The fact we have 36 countries fighting on our side in Iraq must be news to the soldiers over there. I don’t know who these people are or how many divisions they have. All we read about in the papers are American GIs getting killed by IEDs and terrible accidents and all kinds of enemy action over there. … The idea we’re one of 36 countries fighting the war I think is ludicrous and why the President would throw that out there, I think it only opens him up to ridicule.
(There are currently less than 30 countries left in the "Coalition of the Willing.")
Anyway, quite a disaster. There's tons o' stuff at Memeorandum, naturally, discussing the debacle.
Two-Minute Nostalgia Sublime
Sid & Marty Krofft + Bob Denver + "Honk" = Fucking Genius
Special President's Address Virtual Pub
In case anyone is watching Bush do his best impression of Buster Keaton giving chase to his porkpie hat, and needs to commisserate with other Shakers over a stiff drink, I figured I'd open up the pub.
And/or for anyone who's doing their best to avoid Bush's eighth prime-time address on Iraq, too.
Bottoms up, Shakers.
Question of the Day
Take it away, Linkmeister: "I was looking at/dusting my bookshelves and remembered that I have about 10 years of back issues of The Mother Earth News, which I bought all at once. It was a 'good intentions never acted upon' idea; I was going to try to incorporate some of what I gleaned from all those earth-friendly suggestions into my life. Never happened. So the question of the day is: What great idea did you once have that you never followed up on? Leave out things like 'buying Microsoft at the initial public offering'."
US Ally in Iraq Assassinated
I'm a little late posting this story, but I've just kind of been reading the news reports as they were updated this afternoon:
Iraqi tribal leader Abdul Sattar Abu Risha, a key figure in U.S. efforts to turn local residents against al-Qaeda in the restive Anbar province, was killed today by a roadside bomb, U.S. military and Iraqi sources confirmed.As Drum points out, the AP notes that "suspicion fell on al-Qaida in Iraq," but BooMan digs out a Time profile of Sheikh Sattar from June which describes him as a bandit "building a personal militia, loyal not to the Iraqi government but only to him," who, by virtue of US support, was possibly blossoming into "a warlord who will turn the [Anbar] province into his personal fiefdom." BooMan says, quite rightly:
Abu Risha was a leading member of the Anbar Salvation Council, a group formed a year ago Thursday that proved critical to a recent reduction in insurgent violence in the province. He worked closely with U.S. officials, a fact that made him a target of militants angry about his decision to cooperate with the United States and his ability to convince other tribal sheiks to follow.
As should be obvious from this description, it wasn't necessarily al-Qaeda in Iraq elements that killed Sattar. In Washington, this guy was some kind of hero. In Anbar, he was a warlord that was known for highway robbery, who was cooperating with the occupiers and throwing people in jail without just cause.Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
Our country is having a debate about Iraq but it isn't a debate that is even remotely connected to reality.
