Now that we have a Spidey-Suit to look forward to, we need to get cracking on other great inventions like Jetsons cars and Star Trek transporters.
What do you think would be the coolest invention to have within the next 10 years?
Question Of The Day
It's a STEAL!
In honor of the second anniversary of Katrina—and just in time for the new Attorney General nomination!—the Bush administration has made available by special release (and in limited edition!) this spectacular compilation that's a "must-have" for every serious collector. This item won't be sold in stores, and is being offered exclusively through fine retailers like Shakes-Mart, so pick up your phone and dial 1-866-FUCK-YOU now to get your copy of Chertoff's Greatest Hits.
Chertoff's Greatest Hits includes such unforgettable numbers as:
"I Was Very Disturbed to Learn Early Tuesday Morning That There Had Been a Substantial and Irreparable Breach"
"I Have Not Heard a Report of Thousands of People in the Convention Center Who Don't Have Food and Water"
and
"Louisiana Is a City That Is Largely Under Water"
Not to mention classics like:
"Well, I Said in July Before Katrina That We Had a Lot More Work to Do in Preparedness and I Think That Was Borne Out, Obviously, A Month Later"
"Essentially the Lake Was Going to Start to Drain into the City. I Think That Second Catastrophe Really Caught Everybody By Surprise"
and
"One of the Things I Said Was We're Racing the Clock. Unfortunately, the Hurricane Beat Us"
Plus the fan-favorite B-sides:
"Mike Brown Has Done Everything He Possibly Could to Coordinate the Federal Response to This Unprecedented Challenge. I Appreciate His Work, as Does Everybody Here"
and
"I Thought I Was About As Clear As I Possibly Could Be in English as to What I'm Doing and Why I'm Doing It. Next Question"
Quantities are limited—so act now! This beauty can be yours for the low, low price of:
Cost of the War in Iraq
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If only it was the other kind of PCP
Instead, it's the Performance Communication Program:
Performance communication discussion, self-assessment, supervisor's performance communication discussion outline, accomplishments for the last six months, goals and objectives for the next six months, performance standards, job description.
To be followed, as soon as is practicable, by liberal amounts of Jack Daniels.
Repeat in six months.
/end work rant
(Cross-posted.)
Beesly & Halpert
Last one today, I promise. There's the famous, heart-breaking bit from "Casino Night," and then it goes into a really lovely montage of lots and lots of good bits. I am such a sucker for Pam & Jim. But then you already knew that.
[FYI: There is a Season 3 spoiler in here, so anyone who's waiting for the DVD and doesn't want to know should skip it.]
That teapot fucking kills me.
You know, angst-drenched epic romances do nothing for me, but give me a story about two dorks who make each other laugh, and I'm a puddle.
(P.S. GoldFishy: If this doesn't sell you, nothing will.)
Yay!
CEO pay and benefits on the rise: "Top executives at major businesses last year made as much money in one day of work on the job as the average worker made over the entire year, according to a report released on Wednesday."
Omigod, I'm so happy for them! That's so awesome!
And check this out: The new federal minimum wage, $5.85/hour, "after being adjusted for inflation, stands 7% below where the minimum wage stood a decade ago," which sucks, but over the same decade, CEO pay "has increased by roughly 45%," which is superb! Rock on, American CEOs!
Everyone get your buckets ready, 'cuz that shit's gonna start trickling down any minute now…!
"How Low Can You Go?"
Paul Kiel on 2007's Dirty (Baker's) Dozen:
Jack Abramoff is in prison. Ex-Rep. Duke Cunningham (R-CA) is in prison. Ex-Rep. Bob Ney (R-OH) is in prison. Ex-Reps. Mark Foley (R-FL), Katherine Harris (R-FL), Tom DeLay (R-TX), Curt Weldon (R-PA), and Ex-Sen. Conrad Burns (R-MT), all either lost or did not seek reelection. Gone, away, to be forgotten. This year was supposed to be different for the Republicans. But...Ouch. And that's not even counting the "campaign officials for the various Republican candidates and their various scandals," like McCain staffer Bob Allen.
1) Sen. Larry Craig (R-ID) and 2) Sen. David Vitter (R-LA) with their sex scandals (the attempted restroom tryst and numerous successful hotel room trysts, respectively). 3) Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK) and 4) Rep. Don Young (R-AK) are under investigation for their ties to the oil company Veco (though that's just the tip of the iceberg for Young). 5) Reps. Tom Feeney (R-FL) and 6) John Doolittle (R-CA) have found themselves the focus of a reinvigorated Abramoff investigation (though Abramoff is in prison, he's still busily cooperating). 7) Rep. Rick Renzi (R-AZ) had his house raided. 8) The FBI is investigating Rep. Gary Miller's (R-CA) land deals. And then there's 9) Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-AK) whose land deal with a businessman and campaign contributor became such a scandal that she finally just sold back the plot of land. … 10) Rep. Jerry Lewis (R-CA) is still apparently under federal investigation. And 11) Rep. Ken Calvert's (R-CA) land deals are still winning scrutiny. … 12) Sen. Pete Domenici (R-NM) and 13) Rep. Heather Wilson (R-NM) [are both] facing ethics committee investigations for their calls last October to former U.S. attorney David Iglesias about his office's investigation of a state Democrat.
It's enough to send Republican strategist Scott Reed into a downright tizzy:
"The real question for Republicans in Washington is how low can you go, because we are approaching a level of ridiculousness," said Mr. Reed, sounding exasperated in an interview on Tuesday morning. "You can’t make this stuff up. And the impact this is having on the grass-roots around the country is devastating. Republicans think the governing class in Washington are a bunch of buffoons who have total disregard for the principles of the party, the law of the land and the future of the country."Well, looks like "Republicans" and I can finally agree on something!
He's Not Gay
Add this to the mix of the stories about Senator Larry Craig.
Senator Larry Craig (R-ID) announced emphatically that he is not gay and that he has never been gay. Fine, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't like having sex with men. That would make him homosexual, but not, as he says, gay.
What's the difference between being homosexual and being gay? A lot.
Being gay means that you are aware of your attraction to people of your same sex but it isn't the be-all and end-all of who you are. It means you have overcome the stigma that certain parts of our society -- most notably the religious fundamentalists -- have placed on this facet of your life. It means that you're able to have a mature and loving relationship with people of whatever gender without focusing on the sexual aspects. Most well-adjusted people of whatever sexual orientation are capable of having friends without sleeping with them, and the fact that some people are obsessed with sex shouldn't define everyone else.
The tough part about being gay is that it's liberating. Rather than go along with the program that has been defined by certain religious creeds and Madison Avenue that being straight is the only way to be, gays and lesbians have to make their own way through society's maze of accepted behavior and re-define the American dream in their own way. Some find that a daunting task while others embrace the challenge and use it to lead happy, productive lives with healthy relationships with their friends, their families, and, if they're fortunate, someone to share their home and heart.
Unfortunately there are those who, for whatever reason, cannot accept that they're not a part of the mainstream. Whatever it is that causes them to hide their true self, be it religion, society, family, or political ambition, they work very hard to supress their natural instinct, often with tragic consequences. It forces them to focus on that part of their programming that cannot be repressed: their sexual desires. No matter how hard they try, they can't get beyond that, and therefore it becomes the driving force in their lives. That's incredibly sad, because there is so much more to life than who you sleep with.
So I'll take Senator Craig at his word: he's not gay. On behalf of the gay community, may I say, "Whew." I don't want to have someone like him as a part of the gay community, especially given his voting record on gay issues and his apparent penchant for risky anonymous sex with strangers in public places. Being gay or lesbian is enough of a challenge without any help from people like him.
Cross-posted from Bark Bark Woof Woof.
"Bears Beats Battlestar Galactica"
Maybe it's because I'm getting anxious for the soon-to-be-released Season 3 DVD, or maybe it's because I've been up since 3am with a bad stomach and am ergo completely slap happy with exhaustion, but I have now watched this clip about thirty-eight gazillion times and am just finding it increasingly side-splittingly hilarious with every viewing. One of my favorite moments from The Office, Season 3:
Spider Man: Does Whatever A Gecko Can
Imagine going to a Halloween party and you see someone in a Spidey-Suit. No big deal, right? I mean, it's relatively topical with all the movies and such. After a couple of hours, you notice that Spider Guest is actually crawling on the walls and ceiling.
While it is possible you hit too much of the spiked sauce, a recent study has come up with ideas on how to make the Spidey-Suit a reality:
A "Spider-man" suit that enables its wearer to scale vertical walls like the comic and movie superhero could one day be a reality, according to a study.The article goes on to talk about possible applications for a super-adhesive suit, like window cleaning on skyscrapers, etc. I know I'm opening up a hornet's nest with this one, but here goes:
Natural technology used by spiders and geckos could help a human climb the side of a building or hang upside down from a roof, the analysis suggests.
How would you use your Spidey-Suit?
(P.S. I know the theme is running through your head now, so get your fix below the fold.)
News from Shakes Manor
Jack and I were just chatting by email about our ardor for The Office, and it put me in mind of this exchange that took place at Shakes Manor the other day:
Me: [standing in front of pantry] Jell-O? What the poop? Did you buy Jell-O?
Mr. Shakes: Yeah.
Me: Why?
Mr. Shakes: Because it's tasty!
Me: [squinching face] Really?
[It is important to note here that I meant "Really, you think it's tasty?" but Mr. Shakes thought I meant "Really, that's why you bought it?"]
Mr. Shakes: Fine, ye caught me! I'm planning oon putting all your shit in Jell-Oo, Dwight.
Pounds Sterling
Unhappy Anniversary
From Campaign for America's Future. Via Phydeaux Speaks.
See also: When the Saints Go Marching In.
As Bill notes below, today marks two years since Hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf Coast and caused extraordinary damage, including the failed levees that devastated NOLA. Last Thursday, the amazing Greg Palast wrote a piece for BuzzFlash in which Dr. Ivor van Heerden, deputy director of the Louisiana State University Hurricane Center, charges that federal government helicopters "flew over the 17th Street Canal and took video of the breech" in the levees at 2pm Monday afternoon—but withheld the crucial information from the state Emergency Operations Center.
Question: "So the White House wouldn't tell you the levees had breeched?"Following is a clip from Palast's special report: Big Easy to Big Empty: The Untold Story of the Drowning of New Orleans.
Dr. Van Heerden: "They didn't tell anybody."
Question: "And you're at the Emergency Center."
Dr. Van Heerden: "I mean nobody knew. The Corps of Engineers knew. FEMA knew. None of us knew."
…And what was the effect of the White House's self-serving delay?
I spoke with van Heerden in his university office. The computer model of the hurricane flashed quietly as I waited for him to answer. Then he said, "Fifteen hundred people drowned. That's the bottom line."
[Palast link via Jess Wundrun.]
"Snicker"
The "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks
Why is this "cracking me up" so much? I have "no idea."
Via Recon, "natch."
Wednesday Conchords
Oh. My. Gawd. One of the best episodes yet. Lord of the Rings madness. Mel as flippin' Arwen! Star turn from comedy fucking genius Will Forte. Stefan Gucci! Murray goes absolutely red-faced, bug-eyed apeshit. Gingerballz! "King of the Dicks." Dayum! It's like I died and went to heaven.
As always, a musical snippet and then the whole episode in three parts is below.
Yo, Frodo, whatcha doin' wearing the ring?
All-powerful jewelry: Is that your new thing?
I know it's hard when you're little more than three-foot-four,
Your little ass so close to the floor,
Trying to lead your fellows to the gates of Mordor.
I would like to point out that in the last scene at the dry cleaner's, Bret's t-shirt, featuring a mama duck and two baby ducks, says: "You quack me up!"
Recommended Reading
Alternate Brain's Gordon, responding to a Newsweek piece penned by a now-inactive reserve Marine combat Vet about why we need a draft and who's really fighting this war:
If Bush's war, which we won early on by the way, and the subsequent occupation, which we're losing by the way, were really in defense of our country in a generational all-out global conflict like the Chimp lied about, instead of for oil, hegemony, and profit like it really is, the United States would have mobilized like WWII and every last swingin' dick (and the female equivalent, which I refuse to even think up a term for) would be sacrificing for the war effort, whether pullin' a trigger or figuring out how to be energy self-sufficient or rolling bandages or whatever.Go read the whole thing.
We're supposed to go shopping, i.e. STFU and let the military industrial complex roll.
Question of the Day
What's the best movie you've seen for the first time recently? Could be a new film, or an old one you'd just never seen before...
Mr. Shakes and I just saw This Is England, which is completely fantastic, and I heartily recommend it.
We also just finally saw Secretary, to which I, ahem, really related. And hence really adored.
CraigsPissed
He's not gay and never has been gay, bitchez. He did nothing wrong, and he regrets his decision to plead guilty. He only pleaded guilty to a lesser charge "in hopes of making it go away," which he did because the Idaho Statesman has been engaging in a witch hunt trying to prove he's gay. It's just a stunning coincidence that he was busted for soliciting gay sex in a public toilet during that witch hunt. All right? Yeesh.
[Thanks, Petulant.]
It's a Small World
Jeff's post below got me thinking about the mindset that has infected the idea of public service.
What do Senator Larry Craig (R-ID) and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales have in common? Well, other than the fact that they're both Republicans whom the fates decreed would share the date of August 27, 2007, as turning points in their lives, it would seem not a lot. But it turns out they do.
Senator Craig discovered that his attempt to make his disorderly conduct arrest in Minneapolis go away by paying a fine and not hiring a lawyer was a huge mistake. (Lesson #1 in D.C. is that you don't order a sandwich without hiring a lawyer.) It worked for a while; the arrest happened almost two months ago and he paid up three weeks ago. But he had to know that this wasn't going to stay under wraps forever, and now he has to face the wrath of the right wing he's been so loyal to, and the scorn and schadenfreude of the rest of us who have added yet another proponent of "family values" to the list of those you wouldn't want to bump into in a public restroom. His clumsy attempt to cover it up was even more embarrassing than his klutzy attempt to hook up in a bathroom stall. Wide stance indeed.
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales thought that his attempts to politicize the Justice Department by his own design or at the impetus of the White House would also go unnoticed. After all, the theory goes, the goal of the Justice Department is to ensure that there is peace and security throughout the country, and the only way to make sure of that is to secure a permanent Republican majority. After all, they are the party of the Rule of Law, a Republican president is never wrong, and anyone who isn't with them is a potential terrorist, even those who believe in such quaint things as the Geneva Convention and the Bill of Rights. So naturally Mr. Gonzales took steps to guarantee that majority: appoint right-minded lawyers with the right voting records and resumes and purge anyone who showed a sign of weakness or evenhandness when dealing with Democrats. But these things must be done delicately, and Mr. Gonzales's ineptitude and, to be charitable, his forgetfulness made it impossible for even the Republicans on the Senate Judiciary Committee to trust him.
I frankly don't care if Senator Craig is homosexual. That's his business and no one should be demonized because of their sexual orientation. That's not the issue. The issue is that he has consistently voted against the interests and well-being of LGBT citizens:* Voted YES on constitutional ban of same-sex marriage. (Jun 2006)
That displays either a callous lack of feeling toward people with whom he shares a vested interest or it's a hypocritical attempt to ensure his longevity as a politician. Either way, it's a rotten way to serve the people who elected him. And if he is tortured by his homosexual orientation, he needs to deal with that in private and seek help in other ways than by inflicting his guilt trip on the laws of the country...or hanging around public toilets.
* Voted NO on adding sexual orientation to definition of hate crimes. (Jun 2002)
* Voted NO on expanding hate crimes to include sexual orientation. (Jun 2000)
* Voted YES on prohibiting same-sex marriage. (Sep 1996)
* Voted NO on prohibiting job discrimination by sexual orientation. (Sep 1996)
The overriding impression is that neither of these men seemed to be aware of their surroundings. Larry Craig may not be a household name, but he's still a senator and he had to know that trying to hook up with some guy in a public toilet was a tremendous risk. (Though, perhaps, for him that's part of the thrill. Some people get revved up by the idea of that sort of thing.) And Mr. Gonzales had to know that someone was going to say something about firing eight of your own appointees less than two years into their terms. Even if you buy the argument that there were "performance issues," what does that say about the hiring process to begin with? And if he didn't know -- or didn't care -- that his performance in testimony was going to be checked and re-checked, then what does it say about his ability to enforce the laws or even show up to work with his shoes on the right feet? It also shows a complete selfishness in advancing the cause of public service by driving good people out of the Justice Department and giving a bad name to the rest who work there with no thought to the politics involved and who only want to do their job.
Both of these men got what they deserved because they betrayed the trust we bestowed on them. One did it for purely personal reasons; the other did it for purely political reasons, yet neither of them thought about the consequences of their actions, or if they did, they didn't care. It does prove the theory that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac, but we the people are the ones who got screwed.
Cross-posted from Bark Bark Woof Woof.
And They Will Reward Your Spree of Violence with Their Naked Boobies
So there's this new movie being released on Sept. 7 called Shoot 'Em Up, the plot outline for which is: "A man named Mr. Smith (Clive Owen) delivers a woman's baby during a shootout, and is then called upon to protect the newborn from the army of gunmen." (Only the baby, btw, because the mother gets shot in the head.) This whole baby-protecting scenario is not readily apparent from the movie poster, which features not the baby but instead the prostitute (Monica Bellucci) with whom he forms "a makeshift family" while on the run, and Paul Giamatti looking very, um, cocked and loaded, but okay. Wev.
So how to market a movie like this, which, though clearly cheeky and over-the-top and comic booky, nonetheless relies on a premise which has a newborn baby lose its mother to gun violence?
Obviously, what you want to do is offer an online promotional game in which if you shoot enough doodz in 30 seconds, $100 bills will fall away from the disembodied torso of a woman, revealing her almost-bare breasts.
And, for the mere sum of all your personal information, you can play the "R-rated" version, which, presumably, reveals fully nude boobies (sans cash pasties) and possibly makes her lose the panties, too.
Charming.
[H/T to DBK via email.]
