Shakesville

Journalists' abduction continues

The kidnapping in Gaza of FOX News reporter and cameraman team Steve Centanni and Olaf Wiig enters its third day. Anita McNaught, a BBC World television presenter and wife to Wiig, made a televised appeal for their release:

"The bottom line is, there is no good reason for these two men to be held," said McNaught, a freelance television journalist. "They are friends of the Palestinians. They are here telling the Palestinian story for weeks now, when the rest of the world's media has not been here."
Directing her words to her husband in the on-camera interview and choking back tears, McNaught said: "It's going to be all right. You are going to come home to me."

Wiig is a citizen of New Zealand; that nation has engaged Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas in discussions over the welfare of the journalists. While the kidnapping bears similarities to past abductions committed by the Al Aqsa Martyrs' Brigades, no group has yet stepped forward to claim responsibility - not an encouraging sign.

Steve Centanni is a national correspondent for FOX News and has been with the network since its launch in 1996. Olaf Wiig is a freelance camera operator who has worked on documentaries in Britain and New Zealand.

(Cross-posted.)

Quote of the Day

“People think he looks so normal, and he’s so sweet and he’s so earnest, but he can’t carry a tune in a bucket.” — Justin Timberlake on American Idol winner (and my arch nemesis) Taylor Hicks. When Justin Timberlake is maligning your talent, you know you suck.

The only thing Hicks needs to worry about carrying in a bucket is some water and bleach, because, in about two years, the only job that bitch will be doing onstage is cleaning up after the midnight show at the Déjà Vu Lounge.

RIP Bruno Kirby

He was best known for roles in City Slickers and When Harry Met Sally, but he’ll always be Marty Lewis to me.

Somebody wants to be just like Ricky Santorum when she’s all growed up.

Just a day after Republican gubernatorial candidate Bob Beauprez announced his running mate would be Mesa County commissioner Janet Rowland the ticket is in "deep damage control" after Democrats released a transcript of a March TV interview in which Rowland compared same-sex marriage to bestiality.

Appearing March 17 on the PBS program ''Colorado State of Mind,'' Rowland said homosexuality is an alternative lifestyle. ''For some people, the alternative lifestyle is bestiality," she went on to say. "Do we allow a man to marry a sheep?''

…''Some people have group sex," she said on the program. "Should we allow two men and three women to marry? Should we allow polygamy, with one man and five wives?''

Some people get clocked for saying stupid shit. Should I be allowed to beat the stuffing out of Janet Rowland?

Gee, I know—let’s put it to a vote. I’m going to draw up a referendum for all the LGBT people in Colorado, and if they vote “yes,” then I get to wail on her. Considering Rowland feels that she ought to get to vote on the basic rights of gay people, I’m sure she won’t object.

What say you, Punching Nun?

“I say we take her down!”

(Shakes the collegian, pre-chub and clearly
majoring in drinking and fucking around.)

Heee Yuck Yuck Yuck

Okay, first of all, I freely admit that this is a really cheap shot.

Here's a list of current Bush Presidential pardons. (Bolds mine.) A few highlights:

-- James Leon Adams, Simpsonville, S.C.
Offense: Selling firearms to out of state residents and falsifying firearms records; 18 U.S.C. Sections 922(b) (3), 922(m) and 924(a)

-- Tony Dale Ashworth, Winnsboro, S.C.

Offense: Unlawful transfer of a firearm; 26 U.S.C. Sections 5861(e) and 5871

-- Randall Leece Deal, Clayton, Ga.

Offense:
1. Liquor law violation; Title 26, U.S.C.

2. Liquor law violation; Title 26, U.S.C.

3. Conspiracy to violate the liquor laws, Title 26, U.S.C.

-- William Henry Eagle, Wenatchee, Wash.

Offense: Possessing an unregistered still, carrying on the business of a distiller without giving the required bond and manufacturing mash on other than lawfully qualified premises; 26 U.S.C. Sections 5601(a)(1), 5601(a)(4) and 5601(a)(7)

-- James Ernest Kinard Jr., Stuart, Fla.

Offense: Failure by a licensed firearms dealer to make appropriate entries in firearms records required to be kept by law (four counts); making false entries by a licensed firearms dealer in firearms records required to be kept by law; 18 U.S.C. Sections 922(m) and 2

-- John Louis Ribando, Le Mars, Iowa

Offense:
1. Possession with intent to distribute a controlled substance (marijuana); 21 U.S.C. Section 841(a) (1)

2. Conspiracy to possess with intent to distribute a controlled substance (marijuana); importing a controlled substance (marijuana); 21 U.S.C. Sections 841(a) (1), 846, 952(a), 960(a) (1) and 963

-- Jerry Dean Walker, Newark, Del.

Offense: Possession with intent to distribute cocaine, 21 U.S.C. Section 841(a) (1)

Booze, guns, coke, pot and moonshine. (Moonshine! Good lord.) These are the pardons our president hands out.

Welcome to Hillbilly Nation, folks!

(I should point out that these aren't the only pardons that were handed out at this particular time. Bush also seemed keen to pardon a few people that were AWOL, and an embezzler or two. Hmm.)
(Didn't get a lot of sleep, but we had a lot of fun on grandma's cross-post...)

Where are all the female bloggers flacks?

In his sorta defense of In Defense of Ann Coulter, Ezra says:

That the response to Coulter so often focuses on her looks also deserves some examination. It's not clear why the venom from a blond, leggy snake should be treated any different than the bile Hugh Hewitt spits out, yet rare is the soliloquy on how desperate the writer would have to become to hit the Hewitt. It's a fair point, and I'd extend it by wondering why liberals seem to have so few aggressive female flacks.

You want an aggressive liberal female flack? Just give me the microphone! (I sure could use the job.)

In all seriousness, there are still a lot of liberals who are generally uncomfortable with aggressive punditry, who prefer measured debate conducted in “inside voices,” with which I am sympathetic; I’d prefer that, too. But it ignores the fact that our president and vice-president equate Democratic voters with terrorist-sympathizers and GOP senators like to compare gay relationships with bestiality, which is to say nothing of the diarrheic vitriol spewed by their party hacks in the media. We waved bye-bye to reasoned discourse awhile ago, because bullies can’t be persuaded from bullying by dulcet tones.

Liberals who live in this fantasyland where civil discourse is still the norm seem particularly discomfited by aggressive women, as if the last bastion of decency has fallen when a Breasted One utters “the f-word,” which is why I get emails inquiring why a smart girl like me feels the need to “curse,” and why another blogger has been asked why he links to me, since I’m so potty-mouthed and aggressive. You’ve still, in some quarters, got to actually have balls to “have balls.”

The lack of aggressive female flacks on the Left also certainly has something to do with the subjects about which female flacks are aggressive. Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin, for examples, are aggressive in their perpetuation of conservative ideals, including no small amount of anti-feminist rhetoric. Not only is a woman who aggressively refutes issues like gender equality and reproductive rights less threatening to retrofuck men than a woman who aggressively advocates them, but she also serves to deflect particular kinds of criticism, like charges of sexism. Male conservatives can then quote female operatives, using the sex of the original messenger as a buttress against similar complaints. (Malkin’s ethnicity works to their benefit in a similar way when she leads the charge against Muslims.) One can’t be sexist (or racist) when one is quoting a woman or a minority, after all. (Not true, of course, but that is the claim.) It is useful to conservatives to have a female face on their sexist positions—and, having turned the culture war into a lynchpin of their political strategy, they need the buffer of female representation more than ever.

Conversely, aggressive liberal women who endeavor to combat sexism as part of their overall politics are just as likely to call attention to the sexism among their own ranks as those of their opponents (and I daresay I don’t need to provide evidence that there is still sexism on the Left). The possibility of a “circular firing squad” created by liberal women who have the temerity to expect better of their brethren leaves them regarded as “loose cannons,” not nearly as reliable as someone like Coulter, who will never accuse a fellow conservative of betraying tenets of equality—since ignoring, unless to ridicule or subvert, said tenets is their stock in trade.

Frustratingly, because liberal women are feminists, it leaves them open to a criticism, when discussing any issue, that conservative women are not. If Coulter is undesirably aggressive, it’s because she’s just “gone too far,” but if I am, it’s because I’m a liberal feminist. There is a stereotype built in to my politics waiting to be played against me, that discredits not only me, but the politics I represent. That the Left shies away from promoting aggressive women for fear of having The Shrill Card played against all of us is indicative of the milquetoast timidity played out in liberal politics again and again. It’s easier to avoid a pitfall which might require some solidarity (and a solid spine) in defense of female flacks by not using them in the first place. The Left’s cautiousness is endemic to all its strategy, and this issue is no different.

I'm Sure it Was Just a "Joke."

Expanding on the Tbogg post that I pointed out yesterday, James Wolcott says:

No matter what height of prominence a black person reaches, conservatives will always find a way to reduce him or her to low-paid, low-status, low-skilled caricatured servitude. That's their idea of cutting black personalities down to size and putting them in their place. Whatever uniform they wear, it's still a monkey suit in the eyes and mouths of the white-makes-right contingent, which should make it no surprise that Senator George Allen, adopted son of the Confederacy, would reach back for a race-baiting jibe as his beanball pitch. It's also no surprise that George Allen would be Fred Barnes's kinda guy.

As the kids are saying these days, read the whole thing.

What goes best with a pig in lipstick?

A pig in heels.

This is the picture that accompanies Details’ feature story, Why Fat Is Back in Hollywood. Who’s “fat,” according to the article? Catherine Zeta-Jones, Drew Barrymore, Rachel Weisz, Kate Winslet, Scarlett Johansson, Liv Tyler, and “an increasingly curvy Mandy Moore.” Yeah, real heifers, those gals. Now, I’ve got no problem with a story that celebrates women who don’t starve themselves into a skeletal form devoid of feminine curves (and naturally thin women, please don’t think I’m hatin’ on ya—I’m referring to the women we can all name who have, before our eyes, replaced an already slim form with a gaunt hollowness reminiscent of Holocaust victims). But likening Liv Tyler to a pig in heels to claim that “fat is back,” when fat was never “in” in the first place, is utterly asinine. “Boobs are back,” maybe.

Just last night I mentioned the lack of actresses who could truly be described as fat. Dawn French, Kathy Bates, Queen Latifah, Camryn Manheim, Marisa Winoker, Della Reese, Dianne Wiest—these are fat girls, but the closest you’ll get to an A-list fat girl is Gwyneth Paltrow in a fat suit. And it irritates me that I’m expected to pretend otherwise.

Now, I’m not going to get into some big discussion of gender disparity—how Alec Baldwin can increasingly thicken and still get a lead role on a new network sitcom, while the brilliant Kathleen Turner is forgotten, for example—but I’d just like a modicum of perspective on what “fat” really means.

This is what a fat girl looks like.

Not everyone has to find her beautiful, or any other fat girl for that matter, any more than everyone has to find any thin girl beautiful, or anyone in between. Taste is taste, and a preference for thinness is as viable as a preference for a big round ass and boobs. But let’s not call women fat who aren’t, which does a disservice to them and to real fat girls, by ignoring their existence. Fat is not "back in,"and by substituting as evidence that is someone like Liv Tyler for a true fat girl, it only perpetuates the invisibility of genuinely fat women.

And, for the record, this pig wears sneakers.

I claim victory in the Israel-Hezbollah war

I didn't lose a single soldier or civilian. I lost no property. My infrastructure is sound. I fear neither rocket attack nor ground invasion. I have no need for international troops, nor can I be made to disarm. My capacity to inflict harm is the same as before the war. And my defiance is undiminished.

I win!

I think it's entirely proper and permissible that I claim victory. Everybody else seems to be doing so, and they can't all be right.

(Cross-posted.)

Plame Civil Suit Update

They’re not through with you yet, Bushies:

[California attorney Joseph Cotchett] plans to use a legal precedent that allowed President Bill Clinton to be sued while in office to force Vice President Dick Cheney and presidential adviser Karl Rove to testify in a lawsuit brought by former CIA operative Valerie Plame and her husband.

…Cotchett, who took over as trial counsel in Plame's case on Tuesday, said legal precedent for whether Cheney and the others could claim legal immunity in the case comes, in part, from Paula Jones' sexual harassment case against Clinton.

In 1997, the U.S. Supreme Court said in a unanimous ruling that neither Clinton "or any other official has an immunity that extends beyond the scope of any action taken in an official capacity."

In order to be dismissed from the case or avoid testifying, Cotchett said, lawyers for Cheney and the other men would have to argue that they were acting on government business if they are found to have leaked Plame's name to the media.

Ooh, tricky. Since outing a covert agent is a federal crime, it’s going to be tough to claim inherent official capacity. Sounds like, if Cotchett’s right, they’d have to argue instead that they were acting on the orders of higher-ups. If Libby finally sells out Cheney, the only place Cheney has to go is Bush. Failing ratting out up the chain of command, these blokes are going to have to testify.

Unless, of course, the current SCOTUS steps in to undermine the ’97 decision, which wouldn’t exactly be surprising.

Two-Minute Nostalgia Sublime

Alf

Question of the Day

We’ve done this one before, but it was fun the last time around and there are always new faces to consider. Are there any celebrities whom you are often told you resemble?

I’m too fat, quite honestly, to be told I resemble any celebrities very often. There just aren’t that many overweight actresses. But those who fancy British comedy often tell me I resemble Dawn French, who is living, sexy, voluptuous proof that big can be beautiful, and I consider the comparison blushingly flattering.

Dawn on the left; Shakes on the right.
Mr. Shakes is a dead ringer for Louis CK., except that Mr. S. still has a full head of curls.

Mr. S. on the left; Louie on the right.
(As an aside, I had to argue endlessly with Mr. Shakes to allow me to post that picture of him. He claims he looks “like a bucket of monkey-spunk.” Wev. I love that picture of him.)

Snort

Hymens not included:

The Abstinence Clearinghouse is selling a Purity Ball Planner. Because no little girl should go without the pseudo-incestuous joy of promising her virginity to daddy.

The planner includes everything you need to have a successful event and encourage "purity in a way that will be remembered forever." Most notably in therapy.

They’re selling their Purity Ball Planner for $25.00, but I’ve decided to undercut them with my own competing product…

That shit’s gonna sell like hotcakes, bitchez.

This One’s for You, Maurinsky

Redheads have more sex.

Blondes may have more fun but redheads have more sex, according to new research in Germany.

The study by Hamburg Sex Researcher Professor Dr Werner Habermehl looked at the sex lives of hundreds of German women and compared them with their hair colour.

He said: "The sex lives of women with red hair were clearly more active than those with other hair colour, with more partners and having sex more often than the average. The research shows that the fiery redhead certainly lives up to her reputation."

No word on male redheads, although I remember Mr. Shakes grousing not so long ago about some article out of Britain that said redheaded men are the least laid.

“Everyoone thinks blookes tarred with the ginger gene are oogly,” he moaned.

“No, they don’t,” I assured him.

“Ooh, really?” He gave me The Eyebrow. “Then why aren’t there any redheaded male sex symbools?”

“Robert Redford,” I said.

“He’s bloond,” Mr. Shakes countered.

“Strawberry blond,” I replied.

“Harrumph.”

“Boris Becker,” I suggested.

“Booris Becker is a wanker,” Mr. Shakes complained.

“David Caruso.”

“He really is an oogly bastard.”

My suggestions of Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Conan O’Brien, and Eric Stoltz were also summarily dismissed.

“What about Carrot Top?” I said, trying not to laugh. “He’s a hottie.”

“Fooking boollshit,” muttered Mr. Shakes. “The cloosest we ginger-haired blookes have goot is Roonald bloody McDoonald.”

“Sixty gazillion served!” I enthused.

“Get stooffed,” he told me.

Caption this Photo

Allllllllll of meee.... why not take alllllll of meeee?

Well, I'll be Hornswoggled

Looks like a good old-fashioned media spanking still works. Chuck Roberts has swallowed his pride and apologized for his "Al-Qaeda Candidate" comment.

I could indulge in a little schadenfreude, but Roberts did the right thing, and I've got to give him kudos for that. There are others that have never apologized for anything they've done.

C&L hands out the hat tips, but forgot skippy, who had a hand (paw?) in this as well. Nice work, folks.

Boo Hoo

Wal-Mart Stores Inc. posted its first profit decline in a decade Tuesday.

Quote of the Day

“America is safer than it has been, yet it is not yet safe.” — President Poppycock McFlapdoodle, speaking to reporters at the National Counterterrorism Center just outside Washington today.

I love how he tries to have it both ways. He still wants Americans to be shit-in-yer-breeks-terrified that the terrorists will git us any moment, but, at the same time, he wants credit for leading the only party capable of protecting them. America’s more safe (because of me), but not totally safe (so keep on sitting in that puddle of piss in front of Fox News until it’s time to cast your next vote).

Connect the Dots... La, La, La, La

In the future, our children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren will look back on all of this, and wonder how we could have possibly been so stupid.

Olbermann runs down the list of fearmongering by the Bush Administration. I think it's very interesting to see how quickly the UK arrests have disappeared from the news (although they're still red, red meat for the bobbleheads), and watching the reactions of people in the airports. The news reporters were all over the airports recently, and I don't know about you, but the only reaction I heard was: "No, I'm not scared. It's annoying, but what can you do?"

It looks like we've finally reached a saturation point with Terrorist Fearmongering, and it's about time. The UK arrests resulted in a minor hiccup in Bush's approval ratings; not the several points we would usually see in this case. Cheney's usual boogeyman warnings seem to have backfired on him. And fortunately, people don't seem to be paying the slightest bit of attention to this nonsense idea that the Lieberman loss and "aiding the enemy" are connected in any way, shape or form.

While Bush continues to flap his arms and insist that we should all be scared shitless, and no doubt pissing off Scotland Yard with flapdoodle like this:

"We disrupted a terror plot, a plot where people were willing to kill innocent life to achieve political objectives," Bush said.

(Ahem. We?)
... it would appear that finally, people are beginning to wake up and realize that the people "plotting" to "achieve political objectives" are the lying bastards in the Bush Administration.

Keep circulating the truth.

(There's a crazy rhythm comin' from cross-post land...)

Blech

Where can you find a fantabulous defense of Ann Coulter like this?

I love Ann Coulter. Coulter shocks and offends, but underneath her offensiveness is a grain of truth that people cope with by critiquing her hair. Americans like comfort: comfort food, comfort shoes, comfort pundits to reinforce everything we already believe. Ann Coulter is not comfort. I love that she pisses people off. I love her outsized confidence, rare in females who've gone through puberty, which means she doesn't turn into a pile of stuttering mush when an interview turns to her body. I love the way her face flickers devilishly for just a second when an interviewer wraps his own noose--the joy tinged with a bit of sadness, as if to say, Oh what fun this is, but do you have to make it so easy?

…Coulter makes us cringe not when she lies, but when she says things we wish weren't true. Let's go to the tape. Asked to define the First Amendment: "An excuse for overweight women to dance in pasties and The New York Times to commit treason." Just completely terrible, I know. But I have to admit, I giggled--having recently covered a pro-choice rally where I interviewed a very nice young woman whose nipples were covered by naral stickers.

…And then there are the insults. Chris Matthews asked: "How do you know that Bill Clinton's gay?" Coulter, who had earlier said the former president had exhibited some "latent homosexuality," gestured casually from behind her sunglasses. "Ah, no, he may not be gay. But Al Gore? Total fag." OK, that one really is indefensible. Because gratuitous gay jokes have, um, no precedent in pop culture whatsoever. I admit it, I snickered. What can I say--her timing was great. (And yes, later, she conceded, "That's what we call in the writing business a joke.").

Why, The New Republic, of course!

It just goes on and on like that, until I wanted to vomit. In fact, I just might. In an envelope. Postmarked to The New Republic.

(Hat tip to Mannion, who’s still On Notice.)