I've never wagered so much as a nickel online, but I don't want Senator T. Moral Blowhard telling me that I can't. Here's hoping that Antigua inflicts a humiliating defeat on the US at the World Trade Organization and liberates amateur poker players everywhere. Cross-border supply of services, baby: If America permits forms of online gambling within its borders, it's hypocritical - and runs counter to WTO rulings - to shut out online gambling hosted overseas.
Let lawmakers watch out for online scams and identity thieves for a pleasant change, and leave the discretionary spending to our discretion.
(Raise, fold, call, or cross-post.)
I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I had to look up the definition of "cosplay," not being too familiar with that hip lingo that the kids are using today. But after this rather heinous example of assorted nerds and mind-numbingly bonkers people apparently playing at being a fetus, I'm afraid the image warz are not yet over, my children. As konagod has pointed out that National Clown Week is technically not quite over, I thought it was necessary to counter this twisted "cosplay" with some rather horrific mating rituals.
Click to see the horror, if you dare! (Sorta NSFW)
And, of course, the "Grope a Klown" booth. Do you dare stick your hand in one of those holes?
This time at Yahoo News:
If you kicked that unicycle away, no jury would convict you.
As National Clown Week draws to a close, children and coulrophobes breathe a sigh of relief, and return to their daily activities, safe in the knowledge that they won't be randomly accosted by a clown. They get encouraged to indulge in their antics when you give them a whole week to run amok, you know. It was my intention to do an annoying clown post every day this week, because apparently I'm evil and need to hurt people, but I got sidetracked by other things.
Lucky you.
Anyway, since it's Friday and I think I may scream if I write about Bush and his cronies any more this week, I'd like to present you with my favorite clown joke. It has a wonderful little punchline that I freely invite you to use, should you ever find yourself confronted by one of these shrieking, gibbering greasepaint-eaters.
Once upon a time there were two (as opposed to three) identical twins, who, in defiance of all we know about the genetic basis of intelligence, were anything but identical mentally. One of them was, quite frankly, stupid, while the other was very sharp indeed. In fact, he was a master of ready wit and stunning repartee.
One evening the stupid twin went to a circus that happened to be in town. He went early so he could get a good seat in the front row, right beside the ring, and he thoroughly enjoyed the experience. He marveled at the elephants, cowered from the lions, and gaped at the trapeze artists in their skimpy costumes; he reacted exactly the way he was meant to.
Last of all, on came the clowns. They were his favorite bit of the circus. All that falling over, all that water, all those custard pies - it was hilarious. The lead clown was the most ludicrous of the lot: he had bigger shoes, baggier trousers, brighter make-up and the most enormous red nose. And part of the lead clown's job was to make fun of people in the audience.
So the clown looked around for someone to hassle, and saw a rather stupid-looking man sitting right in the front row. Ideal. He went up to the stupid twin and said:
"Sir, are you the front end of an ass?"
The stupid man sat there wishing that he hadn't come, wishing that the clown would go away and pick on someone else. He knew he wasn't very intelligent, and he knew he would come out of this looking very foolish. But he spoke up. "No," he said.
"Sir, are you the back end of an ass?" the clown continued.
"No, I'm not," the stupid man replied.
"Then, sir," the clown said slowly, letting the audience savor the moment, "you are no end of an ass!"
The audience, having a fairly poor sense of humor, erupted into laughter. The stupid man just wished he could die. Fortunately for him, the show was soon over.
When he got home, the stupid man told his brother what had happened.
"Don't worry," said the master of ready wit and stunning repartee, "I am a master of ready wit and stunning repartee. Tomorrow night I will go to the circus and make that clown look foolish."
So the next night, the master of ready wit and stunning repartee went to the circus, and got a front row seat. Being an intelligent man, he was considerably less impressed by the sight of dumb animals being made to do tricks, although he had to admit that the trapeze artists were rather tasty.
Then the clowns came out, and the one with the biggest shoes, baggiest trousers, brightest make-up and most ludicrously over-sized nose looked around the audience for someone to make fun of. He could not believe his luck. There, sitting in the front row, was the stupid man he'd got such a laugh out of the night before. So the clown approached the master of ready wit and stunning repartee and asked:
"Sir, are you the front end of an ass?"
"No," said the master of ready wit and stunning repartee.
"Sir, are you the back end of an ass?" the clown continued.
"No, I'm not," replied the master of ready wit and stunning repartee.
"Then, sir," said the clown, "you are no end of an ass!" The crowd went wild with laughter. The joke went down even better than it had the night before, and the clown felt on top of the world.
Then, the master of ready wit and stunning repartee stood up, smiled sadistically and said:
"Fuck off, you red-nosed bastard."
Happy End of National Clown Week!
(Tip 'o the energy dome to Clownz.com. I've got a cross-post in the Pacific... and everything about it is terrific...)
“As Newsweek told us this week, Bush ‘still trusts his gut to tell him what's right, and he still expects others to follow his lead.’ One might have thought Bush would have learned by now to view the proclamations of his gut with some suspicion—but then, that would be asking the president to rely on evidence and experience to make conclusions.” — Paul Waldman
Ezra reports that The Clenis is not especially enthusiastic about Hillary running for pres, because he believes that McCain is unbeatable in 2008. Drum and Farley aren’t buying the unbeatable meme. Neither am I.
In a response to Drum, Ezra notes, “I don't know if [McCain will] make it through the Republican primary and lord knows he could lose his temper, or get caught with a naked boy, or whatever else, but I think much of the blogosphere is bafflingly sanguine about his candidacy.” Totally accurate, my one-woman battle to render void McCain’s ambitions for the presidency, no less the local dog catcher, notwithstanding. But I’m not so sure they’d remain so sanguine in the event he receives the nomination, and McCain is rather wonderfully easy to disassemble into a collection of putrid little pieces once you really get going.
Starting with the above picture. And now for some greatest hits about the Arizona sun-baked turd…
On McCain’s support of intelligent design being taught in schools: Anyone who still thinks this jagoff's a maverick after the bootlicking he gave Bush during the last election is living in cloud cuckoo land. His alleged independent streak came to a screeching halt as it collided with the stumbling zombie corpse of his credibility the moment he stood in New Hampshire with his arm around the shoulders of the man whose operatives called his wife a junky and his adopted daughter illegitimate. He may have been honorable and brave once upon a time, but he’s not anymore.
On McCain’s slavish devotion to Dear Leader: [P]erhaps McCain is actually a Real Doll, as it occurs to me that the owners of Real Dolls and the Bush administration have approximately the same needs—loyalty, compliance, someone who looks real enough but doesn’t ask too many questions, a realistic body with no brain to help convey one’s basest urges. And I don’t think McCain is the only Real Doll floating around the Beltway. He’s certainly not the only GOP hack willing to get repeatedly fucked while never saying a word.
On McCain’s being a whiny-ass titty baby: If this buttfor can’t even hack a heckling audience, how does he expect to be president?
On McCain’s brilliant foreign policy strategery: That’s what you call undeniable genius, friends. So brilliantly simple, it’s amazing that no one has considered it before. Tell the Shiites and the Sunnis to stop the bullshit. My word; it’s astounding. The ultimate Straight Talk in all its shimmering glory. What McCain didn’t share with his well-heeled supporters is the second part of his Straight Talkin’ a Solution to the Iraq Crisis Plan. But as you know, I have the best informants in all of the blogosphere, and one of them has gotten me a copy of McCain’s entire plan. If you thought “Phase One: Stop the Bullshit” was outstanding, wait until you get a load of “Phase Two: No, Seriously—I Mean It.”
On McCain’s capitulation to the administration: Bush and pals have been delivering one huge, heaping helping of abuse on McCain’s chocolate rosebud ever since the 2000 campaign. I guess the old man likes it, because he sure doesn’t seem to object.
On McCain’s endorsement of the Protect Arizona Marriage Amendment: If that picture of Douche McCain with his arms wrapped around Dear Leader, clinging to him like shit to a shoe tread and longing, so desperately longing, to be cradled with pure, unsullied manlove, isn’t enough to make you projectile vomit your entire intestinal track, this ought to do the trick—brave maverick McCain, after opposing the Federal Marriage Amendment seeking to ban gay marriage, has pulled the old switcheroo and endorsed the Protect Marriage Arizona Amendment. …McCain’s opposition to the FMA was based not on any love he had for the LGBT community, but because he felt it was “antithetical in every way to the core philosophy of Republicans…[and] usurps from the states a fundamental authority they have always possessed and imposes a federal remedy for a problem that most states do not believe confronts them.” …But now, just over a year later, his home state has decided it needs to confront this “problem,” and so he’s happy to throw gays to his sun-roasted wingnut constituents for their frenzied feral bacchanal. Not a trace of irony, nor a moment’s hesitation, nor the merest, passing flicker of recognition is to be found in his countenance as he plows forward with an endorsement that suggests even if a national marriage amendment isn’t part of the core philosophy of Republicans, bigotry and hatred are.
On McCain’s maverick credentials: As far as I can tell, a modern conservative can best be described as a wanton opportunist with zero integrity and an unhinged lust for power who panders to corporations, phony Christians, social Darwinists, and all other manner of hateful gits who have relied on undeserved privilege for generations and would like to keep it that way. McCain the So-Called Maverick fits that bill to a bloody T. He’s no rebel; he’s just another soulless conservative wanker looking for a shot at the Big Time.
On McCain being a hypocritical, lying douche: My only question is where he buys his trousers. It’s got to be some kind of specialty shop, because I’ve never noticed his enormous set of balls, but only a dude with gonads that could take out ten pins each could pull a stunt like this while simultaneously running a PAC called Straight Talk America.
On McCain’s laughably impotent anti-torture bill: Way to go, McCain. Nothing like giving the architects of a torture policy that finds the Geneva Conventions “quaint” the ability to claim they're really anti-torture by passing your useless bill, all while they continue to “systematically torture” people. Fine work, sir.
On McCain’s love affair with Jerry Falwell: You know those formulaic romantic comedies where the two protagonists start out hating each other, lobbing invectives and rolling their eyes, storming off in huffs and swearing how much they despise one another, until, eventually, they realize they are perfect complements and then they fall head over heels in love? This is one of those stories. It’s about a feisty POW named John and a crackpot preacher named Jerry. When they first met, John called Jerry “an agent of intolerance” who exerts an "evil influence" over the GOP. Jerry sniffed that John was just a Republican in sheep’s clothing. But soon, the passion of their feuding began to fuel the flames of love, and now it’s only a matter of time before John’s sporting a glimmering rock on his left hand. In fact, if a little plot device known as the Surprise Engagement at the Big Event doesn’t play out when John speaks at Jerry’s university’s graduation, this just won’t be the perfect wee drip of romantic treacle it’s been shaping up to be.
On McCain’s endorsement of racist ninny George Wallace, Jr.: As for John McCain: Straight Talkin’ White Supremacist, here’s his Straight Talk on Wallace, via one of his top advisers, John Weaver: “George Wallace Jr., is an enlightened progressive leader who always speaks of tolerance and carries forth his father's views at the end of his life. He has strong support across the racial and political spectrum.” Keep on selling that load of shit, you daft prick. Come 2008, we’ll see who’s buying.
On McCain’s batshit crazy attack on Senator Obama: Let us never cease to speak of McCain with the firm conviction that he is an asshole, a man who will lovingly embrace the cretin whose political machine called his wife a junky and his daughter an illegitimate black child.
McCain's beatable. It's just a matter of breaking down his undeserved reputation as a maverick with unassailable integrity by revealing the muck beneath his brittle surface. And I've got a stash of ammunition just waiting to be handed out to whomever's willing to take him down with me.
Mmm watermelon:
Square-shaped watermelons are to be sold in the UK.The square melons are imported from Brazil, where they’re grown in boxes, which creates their shape.
…Tesco exotic fruit buyer Damien Sutherland: "We’ve seen samples of these watermelons and they literally stop you in their tracks because they are so eye-catching. These square melons will make it easier than ever to eat because they can be served in long strips rather than in the crescent shape."
Recently Mannion found himself tasked with answering the question, “Why do you blog?”—which turned into a meme of sorts that was picked up by Kevin. Their answers are both very good, but I’m not sure they’re as dignified as mine.
Konagod: “I had to think of some way to mention National Clown Week: August 1-7. When I did a search of ‘clown week’ in Google, one of the results was Shakespeare's Sister. That figures.”
Awesome.
And a quick glance at the search terms that bring people to Shakespeare’s Sister is informative as to niche we’re carving out for ourselves: “titty” is the fourth-ranked term for bringing visitors to Shakes. Some of my other favorites are: real doll, sugar tits, strap-on with clit stimulator (props to Misty for that one!), sister fucks, sick stuff, Rumsfeld is an arrogant prick, Republican pedophiles, pootie, pigass, old perverts fucking, and my penis is singing.
Of course, in digging out all these strange terms, I noticed a few others of a different sort that brought people by way of this bus stop in the blogosphere: my rights end where yours begin, rape victims and their stories, hope and cynicism, movies that make you cry, how to file rape charges, egalitarianism, meaningful connection with other people.
Perhaps looking at search terms to explain why you blog isn’t such a silly idea after all.
Continued again. And another incident that illustrates the inextricable link between misogyny and homophobia. (Hat tip 429 News.)
Three young men accused of brutalizing an 18-year-old gay man for hours last weekend have been charged with hate crimes, according to police, court documents and a prosecutor.The two had left the party when their attackers caught up with them, knocked them to the ground, and dragged them to a yard containing dogs. Their attackers threatened to throw them to the dogs, but instead tied them up in a camper and beat and humiliated them all night before finally releasing them.
The men also allegedly kidnapped a woman, who was held in a camper and kicked and beaten while the man was repeatedly attacked late Saturday night and early Sunday morning after a house party in Edgewood, according to a search warrant filed Wednesday in state District Court in Santa Fe.
Prosecutor Donna Dagnall, who handles cases in Children's Court, said the 18-year-old man suffered bleeding on the brain and a concussion as well as facial lacerations and bruising, but has since been released from a hospital. Dagnall confirmed the three men allegedly responsible for the beating have been charged under New Mexico's hate-crimes law.
"It's pretty clear to us that his homosexuality was the reason for the beating," she said.
Of course, keeping your infant safe in a car is very important... but I simply can't stop laughing at this.
Team to host Britney Baby Safety Night
NEWARK, N.J. - The Newark Bears, a minor league baseball team, are hosting a Britney Spears Baby Safety Night to spread the message about keeping babies safe in vehicles.
The event is named for the 24-year-old pop star who drew criticism when she was photographed with her baby son, Sean Preston, sitting on her lap as she drove, and later, in a car seat facing forward rather than facing backward, which some safety regulations say is best.
Fans attending Friday night's game will receive information on baby car seat safety and a chance to win a free car seat from the American Automobile Association.
Those who dress as a baby, bring a baby toy or bring their baby — a child under the age of 4 — get in free.
The event features a "special guest" who sings and dances, Bears spokesman Joe Montefusco said Thursday. He would not name the guest.
Christopher Monks shows us that signing statements aren't just for horrifically corrupt falsely elected presidents anymore:
While I will try my best to follow the guidelines of this agreement no matter how Dr. Phil–ish they may sound, you should be made aware that I still don't understand why "acting interested" is considered a necessary component of "being interested." Just because I sometimes don't look up from my computer when you're talking to me doesn't mean I'm not interested in whatever it is you're saying. I am. I am a lot.Not to be outdone, Bush Grants Self Permission To Grant More Power To Self, and The Onion is there!
"As president, I strongly believe that my first duty as president is to support and serve the president," Bush said during a televised address from the East Room of the White House shortly after signing his executive order. "I promise the American people that I will not abuse this new power, unless it becomes necessary to grant myself the power to do so at a later time."Oh, and here's a a little something for Paul.
Senate Democrats successfully filibustered the minimum wage hike for which the GOP made a significant cut in the estate tax a condition of its passage.
GOP leaders fell three votes short of the 60 needed to cut off debate and bring the package to the Senate floor, where it was considered certain to pass on a simple-majority vote.This is a moment in which we can all be really proud of the Dems, because the GOP will undoubtedly accuse them of “voting against working Americans” in the upcoming elections, and it would have been a lot easier to just pass the bill to avoid that fight, because of course the minimum wage really does need to be raised—but not at the expense of burdening the middle and working classes with an even bigger share of the government’s tax revenue. It makes absolutely no sense to raise the minimum wage, but decrease the tax responsibility of the extremely wealthy, and the Dems made the right call.
What film most disappointed you; that is, you had high expectations going in and the film just totally didn't deliver?
Star Wars Episode I was a pretty big flop for me. I enjoyed it, but not remotely as much as I wanted to.
That’s how many Americans think it is “very likely or somewhat likely that federal officials either participated in the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon or took no action to stop them ‘because they wanted the United States to go to war in the Middle East’,” according to a new Scripps Howard/Ohio University poll.
Wow. That’s certainly higher than I would have expected. Although, that said, my parents recently had a plumber who overheard them talking about some news story that elicited a mention of 9/11, and he stopped his work to go into my dad’s den and tell them all about how it was “an inside job.” He was a conservative of the form-a-militia-because-the-government-is-coming-to-get-you variety, not a Lefty, with which 9/11 conspiracy theories have been mostly associated. So there are people on both sides of the political spectrum who fall into that 36%, which I guess makes the number more understandable in some way.
54% also responded they “personally are more angry at the government than they used to be.” And that number is lower than I would have expected.
