Shakesville

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I'm sorry, son. I know I'm ruining your future
by running the economy into the ground, alienating
our allies, making the world less safe, and devastating
the environment...but if I didn't, your mama wouldn't
vote for me, so blame her, okay? Heh heh.
President Bush comforts Kaleb Kroon (2) of the Dolcom Little League Indians, Groton, Conn. held by his mother Betty, after their T-Ball games against the McGuire Air Force Base, N.J. Little League Yankees, Friday, June 23, 2006 on the South Lawn of the White House. (AP Photo/Nick Wass)

Tony Snow is “the Teacher”

…and Helen Thomas is a naughty student who keeps “pestering” him. Good lord.

These boots were made for terrorizin’.

So, I haven’t posted anything on the big bust of seven guys in Florida who had a “plan to ‘kill all the devils we can,’ including blowing up Chicago's Sears Tower,” which has the entire conservative blogosphere furiously typing with one hand as they have a celebratory wank, because, while of course it’s great anytime would-be criminals of any stripe are thwarted, I just can’t get my knickers in an exultant twist for the reason so eloquently stated by Josh Marshall:

I'm sure the FBI special agents working this case must have realized this was the stupidest group of would be terrorists they're likely to come upon.

From the DOJ release ...

In addition to conducting surveillance, the defendants allegedly provided the individual, whom they believed was an al Qaeda member, with a list of materials and equipment needed to wage jihad, including boots, uniforms, machine guns, radios and vehicles.
Boots and uniforms? Terrorist uniforms?

It occurs to me that the government and its rabid, mindless supporters have done more with their trumpeting triumphalism to categorize these rubes as dangerous terrorists than they appear capable of ever having actually been.

Mind you, I’m extremely glad that they never managed to accomplish anything, but when it appears that they probably wouldn’t have been able to anyway, yet we nonetheless insist on elevating their status, that’s indicative of a true sickness in our culture—a sickness that starts with casting our president as a superhero. Superheroes, of course, need super villains to vanquish, or else they’re no more exciting than a plain old cop (or a plain old president), so now we’re expected to ignore a glaring and woeful lack of baseline competence among wannabe terrorists in order to turn them into iconoclastic foes more befitting a superhero.

Perhaps most distressing about this is that if Bush and his cheerleaders want a dynamic rogue to shore up the president’s hero credentials, there already is one. His name is Osama bin Laden—and he’s still out there. He’s the bloody Joker; these buffoons in Florida are just a bunch of uncredited minions in black ensembles who scuttle about in the background.

We lost the plot when we went into Iraq, lost focus. And now we’re doing it again. We’re transforming henchmen into the stars of the show, while our more important, more dangerous, more organized, more competent nemesis is left safely to his schemes, forgotten.

--------------

UPDATE: Great line from George along the same lines: The Miami group arrested as terrorists, which called itself the "Seas of David," evidently hoping that people might just think they're the latest Royal Caribbean line super ship, were cooking up a plot that was "more aspirational than operational," according to FBI deputy director John Pistole. ...[T]o paraphrase Tom Edison, "Terrorism is 99% aspiration, and 1% perspiration."

Friday Blogrollin'

Stop by and say hi to:

A DC Birding Blog

Aunt Elinor Fights Crime

Drifting Through the Grift

Hot Boyfriend Blog

I’m Not One to Blog, But…

Mortification and Leisure

North Coast Blog

Per aspera

Short and Snarky

Jon Stewart, Enemy of Democracy?

So wonders Richard Morin. The evidence:

Two political scientists found that young people who watch Stewart's faux news program, "The Daily Show," develop cynical views about politics and politicians that could lead them to just say no to voting…

To test for a "Daily Effect," Baumgartner and Morris showed video clips of coverage of the 2004 presidential candidates to one group of college students and campaign coverage from "The CBS Evening News" to another group. Then they measured the students' attitudes toward politics, President Bush and the Democratic presidential nominee, Sen. John F. Kerry (Mass.).

The results showed that the participants rated both candidates more negatively after watching Stewart's program. Participants also expressed less trust in the electoral system and more cynical views of the news media, according to the researchers' article, in the latest issue of American Politics Research.

He winds up his snippet with this quote: "Ultimately, negative perceptions of candidates could have participation implications by keeping more youth from the polls.”

Of course, I’m not a lazy piece of shit, so I went and did some research about this study—and whaddaya know?! The possibility of driving young people away from the polls was not the researchers’ definitive conclusion.

Alienation could drive the show's watchers away from polls during election, they said. Discontent could also spawn greater involvement.

Another possibility: As "Daily Show" viewers grow more confident in political knowledge — a byproduct of "getting" Stewart's humor — they could become more active voters, Baumgartner said.

"Participation breeds more participation and informed participation" he said. "So that by itself would be a net positive."

Gee, so you mean, political cynicism makes some people apathetic and some people inspired to effect change?! What a fucking shocker! Does that mean that a professional comedian might not be an enemy of democracy after all?!

Weirdly, a search for “Ann Coulter, enemy of democracy?” did not turn up any articles of the same name. Neither did searches for “Michelle Malkin, enemy of democracy?”, “Bill O’Reilly, enemy of democracy?” or “Sean Hannity, enemy of democracy?”. Huh.

I’m an Info Junky

Literally, as it turns out.

Neuroscientists have proposed a simple explanation for the pleasure of grasping a new concept: The brain is getting its fix.

The “click” of comprehension triggers a biochemical cascade that rewards the brain with a shot of natural opium-like substances, said Irving Biederman, professor of neuroscience in USC College, who presents his theory in an invited article in the latest issue of American Scientist…

The brain’s craving for a fix motivates humans to maximize the rate at which they absorb knowledge, he said.

“I think we’re exquisitely tuned to this as if we’re junkies, second by second.”

Biederman hypothesized that knowledge addiction has strong evolutionary value because mate selection correlates closely with perceived intelligence.

Only more pressing material needs, such as hunger, can suspend the quest for knowledge, he added.

The same mechanism is involved in the aesthetic experience, Biederman said, providing a neurological explanation for the pleasure we derive from art.

“This account may provide a plausible and very simple mechanism for aesthetic and perceptual and cognitive curiosity.”

Nothing, but nothing, has the capacity to depress me like boredom. Mr. Shakes is the same. We’re both like sharks, constantly on the hunt for new information—always reading, writing, discussing. The only reason hunger doesn’t stop us is because we can debate or read or watch a documentary on some esoteric subject about which neither of know anything while we eat, but there have been far too many nights when we’ve had a conversation instead of sleeping, muttering tiredly every hour or so, “We really ought to get some sleep.” If we really enjoy a film, our discussion about it afterwards can easily last longer than the running time of the film itself.

In other words, this theory makes perfect sense to me—and I’m lucky my parents were teachers and not crack dealers.

That Darn Liberal Media

What does this AP headline mean to you?

Clinton: Democrats 'struggling' with Iraq
I imagine most people would read that and think that Senator Clinton, who has been hawkish on the war, was complaining that the Democrats are in disarray over Iraq, which is, of course, the conventional wisdom (with some basis in reality).

But here’s what she was really saying:

"Although unity is important it is not the most important value. It is, I think, a tribute to the Democratic Party at this moment in time that we are honestly and openly struggling with a lot of the difficult issues facing our country," Clinton, D-N.Y., told the New Democrat Network…

"I think we come out more united," said Clinton. "We're not blindly united like the other side is, where they are like the three monkeys, See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak no Evil. They're not going to say anything negative about the president, the vice president, the secretary of defense or anybody else."

So, yes—technically Clinton did say that the Dems are “struggling” with Iraq, but the point she was making was a positive one, not a negative one, about the Democrats, which the headline does not suggest at all. In fact, it deliberately undermines the upshot of her opinion, which is that the GOP strategy is making the situation in Iraq worse.

Meanwhile, the AP story that reported Bush making these incredibly mendacious statement about the Dems—“It is important to have members of the United States Congress who will not raise the white flag of surrender in the war on terror” and “We're going to win the war on terror — if we don't lose our nerve”—was headlined Bush helps Republicans raise cash, as the story was framed by the where the statements were made, a fundraiser, rather than the content of what he said.

Our media well and truly sucks.

Cheney in Chicago Today

…and the Trib certainly gives a very detailed description of his traveling schedule! [Updated link.]

Vice President Dick Cheney makes a brief trip to Chicago today to talk about the economy and to stump for a Republican congressional candidate.

Cheney is due to fly in to O'Hare International Airport shortly after 10 a.m. and will leave a short time later for the Chicago Mercantile Exchange, 20 S. Wacker Drive, where he is scheduled to make remarks about the economy at 10:45 p.m.

At 12:30 p.m., the vice president is scheduled to speak at a fundraising luncheon for GOP congressional candidate David McSweeney at the Chicago Hilton, 720 N. Michigan Ave. McSweeney is challenging freshman Democratic Rep. Melissa Bean in the northwest suburban 8th Congressional District.

Cheney is scheduled to leave O'Hare at 1:35 p.m.

Recommended Reading

The Cost of Superfund Neglect—seriously…read this.

Sexual assault case denied because expert claims the attack on the disabled victim “ignited her female desires.”

SCOTUS: Employers cannot retaliate against employees who complain about sexual harassment or other discrimination.

Okay, so maybe Gore-Edwards?

An Inconvenient Truth wins Humanitas Prize

Geraldo Rivera has seen “a hell of a lot more combat than John Kerry.”

Reed’s dirty dealings.

Whedon and Equality Now

Last Friday, I mentioned that Serenity is being screened in cities across the globe, with proceeds going to the women's rights charity Equality Now, Joss Whedon’s favorite charity.

Shaker Kathy emailed me to say, “The Ann Arbor screening raised over $1600 for a truly worthwhile charity and that's just the tip of the iceberg. Most of the screenings are in bigger venues, and the bulk of them begin tonight.” You can find out here if and when it’s going to be shown near you.

Also, watch here (or below) Joss Whedon speaking about from where his inspiration to write strong female characters comes. He's just great. I believe this speech finally puts to bed the question of whether men can be feminists.

A Christianity with no Christ

Because I write so frequently on issues of political marginalization and discrimination, I have often been obliged to make the point that words have meaning—not just their intrinsic definitions, but contextual meaning and sometimes varied meaning, depending on who uses them. But every once in awhile, I find that I write about a word that has no meaning at all—and this is one of those cases.

The word is “Christian,” and the person using it is Vox Day, who authors the blog Vox Populi and also writes for WorldNetDaily under the same handle. He calls himself “the Christian Libertarian commentator,” and because, in my experience, the definition of libertarian seems to be somewhat fluid, like most political identifications, his expression of libertarianism as social Darwinism may be odious to me, but not strictly inaccurate. On the other hand, the definition of Christian is not up for grabs. A Christian is someone who believes in and follows the teachings of Jesus Christ—and it has lost all meaning to a person who willfully ignores the exhortations of goodness, patience, and love that are central to its namesake’s message.

And I find someone who responds to a critique of a post in which they admit finding “a degree of humor in sex slavery,” and asserting that “if feminists are so concerned about it, then let them end it. It's not a problem for men,” by penning a second post directed at a female critic entitled “She will look beautiful in chains,” to be wholly devoid of any goodness, patience, or love. Someone who engages such hostile rhetoric against someone with whom they disagree, but continues to refer to themselves as a Christian, is also, by any measure, utterly lacking integrity—or, perhaps, a fundamental understanding of the tenets of the religion to which they purport to subscribe.

Ann Coulter calls herself a Christian, too. So do lots of the most prominent purveyors of contemptuous and hateful vitriol on the right. And yet we continually refrain from bluntly starting that you’ve got to act like a Christian if you’re going to call yourself one, because conservatives have been so successful at associating progressives with intolerance of religion. Part of ridding our culture of conservative extremists is refusing to treat with kid gloves hate speech that is shielded behind a cloak of averred Christianity. A Christianity with no Christ is not Christianity at all. It’s just a tool to deflect legitimate criticism, and it is not to be respected under some twisted definition of religious tolerance—because it doesn’t serve anyone, especially not actual Christians, except the people who demand our underserved reverence.

"Name That Cult Movie"- Return of the Answers

Here they are; the answers to this week's game! I'll admit, number five was pretty tough... you'd probably only get that one if you're a complete zombie movie geek like me. I also realized I'm missing a Vincent Price quote this time... blasphemy!

1. "Tear down that bitch of a bearing wall and put a window where one ought to be!"- Mommie Dearest. The ultimate scenery-chewing movie. I had to use a slightly more obscure quote, as I'm sure everyone would have easily guessed "No wire hangers ever!!" This movie is full of classic dialogue, though... probably one of the most quotable movies ever! I've heard that Faye Dunaway gets very testy if you mention this movie around her, so if you ever happen to run into her...

2. "Now I am here, sent to bring you home."
"Home? I have no home. Hunted... despised! Living like an animal! The jungle is my home. But I will show the world that I can be its master! I will perfect my own race of people! A race of atomic supermen which will conquer the world!"- Bride of the Monster. Ed Wood's horror masterpiece; this speech was brilliantly re-created by Martin Landau in Tim Burton's Ed Wood. I was so happy when he won the Oscar (Although they cut off his speech before he could thank Lugosi. Snort. Harrumph.).

3. "Those guys ain't even giving us a hard look."- I Married a Monster from Outer Space. This is a great little black & white sci-fi shocker; I highly recommend giving it a look if you're a fan of this stuff at all. It was just recently released on DVD; Netflix has it. It has some pretty risqué dialogue, and some interesting ideas about marriage and sex, considering this came out in the 50's. The effect when one of the aliens takes over the body of a human is pretty nifty, too.

4. (While searching an abandoned boat, the character finds a bamboo steamer) "This boat had a Chinese crew!"- Frankenfish. A Sci-Fi channel original movie that went to DVD, this is actually a fun little flick. A big honking mutant fishie chomps a bunch of people in the bayou. That's pretty much it, plot-wise, but it's a great popcorn flick, and has some pretty good (intentional) laughs sprinkled throughout. I love this line, too... of course, only a Chinese crew would use a bamboo steamer!

5. "Shoot her, man!"
"I can't shoot her! She's my friend! I...uh...lost my virginity to her."
"Man, everyone knows your first time sucks! Split her damn head open!"- Return of the Living Dead 4: Necropolis. Here's my five-cent review:

[Fred Flintstone] Huh-boy. [/Fred Flintstone]

You gotta love a zombie movie that breaks it's own set-up zombie rules several times within the same scene.

No, wait, you don't.

Featuring scenes actually filmed at Chernobyl! With really badly dubbed actors! And that's about it! Seriously, this was a real stinker...and the quote I used is pretty much the only bit of slightly clever dialogue in the flick. But, hey, it had zombies.

6. "We're Americans! We've never lost a war!"
"What about 'Nam, sir?"
"'Nam? We lost that war at home, Sonny."- The Stuff. "In mother Russia, ice cream eats you!" Some white foamy stuff burps up out of a crack in the earth; some doofus tastes it, finds it to be delicious, and markets it as America's newest dessert! There's just one problem... it's alive! And it's hungry! Man, I love this movie.

7. "I thought you said that if we destroyed the brain, it would die!"
"Well... it worked in the movie!"
"Well, it ain't working now!"
"...You mean the movie lied?"- Return of the Living Dead.- Seriously, the other one was so bad, I had to put this in just to remind myself that there was a good movie that spawned those horrible sequels. One of the best zombie flicks, ever.

8. "These do bring back memories. This one is still warm. What is it? The recollections of a great lover? A catalog of conquests? We will soon find out. You wouldn't appreciate that, would you, Mr. Whatever-your-name is? Not the sort of conquest you would ever understand. Let's see... a touch of unhappy childhood... a dash of teenage rebellion... and last but not least, a tragic death in the family."- Dark City. One of the best films of 1998. And that's all I'm going to say... anything more, and it would be giving too much away. If you haven't seen it, definitely rent it... but go into it cold... you'll be confused, but everything will make sense in the end. Roger Ebert also felt this was a spectacular, yet criminally underrated and ignored film; he gives an excellent commentary on the DVD.

9. "You know what I need? I need a drink. There's some ice and stuff back there. Why don't you make us all some Old-Fashioneds?"
"Old-Fashionds? Do you think you oughta drink while you're flying?"
"Stop kidding, will ya, and make us some DRINKS! You just press the button back there marked "BOOZE!" ...It's the only way to fly! Ha ha ha!"- It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. Hell, this is my motto whenever I'm on a plane! Thank you, Jim Backus!

10. "It stinks!"- Pod People. Yes, it does. A favorite of MST3K fans. Trumpy, you can do magic things!

That's it... hope you enjoyed the game! Thank you for playing... we have some wonderful parting gifts for you!

(Cross-posts on fire! Burnin' rubber tires!)

And the hits keep on coming…

You can take your civil liberties to the bank—but they’ll be data-mined:

Under a secret Bush administration program initiated weeks after the Sept. 11 attacks, counterterrorism officials have gained access to financial records from a vast international database and examined banking transactions involving thousands of Americans and others in the United States, according to government and industry officials.

Let me summarize the rest of the article: Government officials say “the program is limited.” The Bush administration claims the program is “a vital tool.” The program is run of the CIA and overseen by the Treasury Department, whose spokesman claims the program “has provided us with a unique and powerful window into the operations of terrorist networks and is, without doubt, a legal and proper use of our authorities.” The program is “grounded in part on the president's emergency economic powers.” The program relied on “broad administrative subpoenas” to get access to “large amounts of confidential data,” and officials “did not seek individual court-approved warrants or subpoenas to examine specific transactions.”

There’s more, but you get the gist.

Spy on Americans without their knowledge and without court orders. Claim it’s legal based on the president’s executive powers. Defend it by saying it’s a vital tool against terrorism. Rinse and repeat ad infinitum.

Ben Franklin famously said, “Those who would sacrifice liberty for security deserve neither liberty nor security,” and I think he’s right. Surely, the modern corollary is that when our government sacrifices our liberty in the pursuit of security, we are left with neither, whether we deserve them or not.

Did everything just taste purple for a second?

Oh myu g- I can't- it's just, holy, wow, jeeper creepers I'm just so excited Ithinkmyheadisgoingtoexplode!!!

They're bringing back "Futurama":

Three years after Fox canceled the show, Matt Groening's "Futurama" will resume production for a 13-episode run on Comedy Central. The new episodes will be added to the network's library of 72 "Futurama" episodes previously licensed from 20th Century Fox Television. Voice talent Billy West, Katey Sagal and John DiMaggio will return for the new episodes, which will debut in 2008.

Cynic: C'mon, the last episode was perfect, the show was great, are they really gonna top perfection? I doubt it. We'll probably just get more proof of the inevitabiliy of diminishing returns; look what happened to "The Simpsons"? Sure, "Futurama" wasn't on for nearly as long, but it's been years since they made a new episode. There are so many ways this could get screwed up. Better to just remember why you don't have cable and go back to bed.

Believer: Look, it was one of the Best. Series. Ever. And at four seasons, they hadn't even scratched the surface! The original voice talent is returning, 13 episodes is, while less than a full season, gives the creators time to polish every show till it's perfect. And it will be, dammit. I mean, did you watch any of season 4? If that's the jumping off point, I can't wait to see what's next.

Me: YAY! (crosses fingers) please don't suck...

Question of the Day

Oy. Check this out:

(Via Pam.)

What's the worst experience you've ever had with some kind of service provider?

OMG! Stop him!

Remember this?

CHRISTIANSEN: …And as I heard, you're going to visit for the first time the former GDR. Are you looking forward to that?

BUSH: Yes, I am. It was very kind of Chancellor Merkel -- who I call Angela, by the way -- to invite me to her residence. It's a gesture of friendship that I appreciate. And Laura and I are looking forward to it. And it will give me a chance to continue our dialogue on important issues…

And this?

U.S. President George W. Bush (R) reaches out and pulls Chinese President Hu Jintao back by his suit jacket like he’s an errant todler rather than the leader of a billion-strong nation.
Well, yesterday, at the same press conference during which he put those darn 9/11-forgetting Europeans in their place, there was also this exchange which I failed to notice until just now, as I read the transcript of the entire press conference:

CHANCELLOR SCHÜSSEL: …I now invite the President of the United States, George Bush, to take the floor, and then the President of the Commission.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Mr. Chancellor -- I call him, Wolfgang; he calls me, George W. -- Jose, it's good to see you.

“Jose,” btw, is José Manuel Durão Barroso, the President of the European Commission.

Why can’t our president learn how to respectfully refer to foreign dignitaries in public?! Honestly! If I were tasked with introducing, or even speaking about Bush, in a public appearance, in his presence, I would refer to him by his proper and appropriate title, no matter how much I wanted to call him a stupid fucking jackass!

And the reason I would do that is because referring to the president by his full title and name indicates respect for and confers respect upon the position, which is separate from the man who fills it.

When the Austrian Chancellor introduces him as “the President of the United States, George Bush,” and then Bush turns around and makes some crapass joke about how he calls him Wolfgang, it’s a passive-aggressive way of signaling a belief in his own superiority. And by tossing in the little “he calls me George W” rejoinder, he’s trying to preempt any (legitimate) feelings of being disrespected on the part of his target.

Anyone who’s ever dealt with a guy (or gal) who’s intractably passive-aggressive in his machinations to constantly retain the upper hand in an imaginary competition in which he is the only real contender, and disguises it all as “jokes,” will immediately identify this exchange as a textbook case. Like anyone who plays these games, Bush probably can’t even help himself at this point. His contempt is a reflex, a tic. It’s the only thing he’s got to make himself feel special—trying to make someone else feel ordinary. A fairly common habit of a person who knows deep down he's the only dullard in the room.

Thursday's "Name That Cult Movie" Game!

Although I should probably be calling this the monthly game, with the frequency that I'm churning these things out. Ahem.

Here we go, friends and neighbors! Just leave your guesses in the comments, and remember, if you cheat with the IMDB, Ann Coulter will suddenly take a romantic interest in you!

1. "Tear down that bitch of a bearing wall and put a window where one ought to be!"

2. "Now I am here, sent to bring you home."
"Home? I have no home. Hunted... despised! Living like an animal! The jungle is my home. But I will show the world that I can be its master! I will perfect my own race of people! A race of atomic supermen which will conquer the world!"

3. "Those guys ain't even giving us a hard look."

4. (While searching an abandoned boat, the character finds a bamboo steamer) "This boat had a Chinese crew!"

5. "Shoot her, man!"
"I can't shoot her! She's my friend! I...uh...lost my virginity to her."
"Man, everyone knows your first time sucks! Split her damn head open!"

6."We're Americans! We've never lost a war!"
"What about 'Nam, sir?"
"'Nam? We lost that war at home, Sonny."

7. "I thought you said that if we destroyed the brain, it would die!"
"Well... it worked in the movie!"
"Well, it ain't working now!"
"...You mean the movie lied?"

8. "These do bring back memories. This one is still warm. What is it? The recollections of a great lover? A catalog of conquests? We will soon find out. You wouldn't appreciate that, would you, Mr. Whatever-your-name is? Not the sort of conquest you would ever understand. Let's see... a touch of unhappy childhood... a dash of teenage rebellion... and last but not least, a tragic death in the family."

9. "You know what I need? I need a drink. There's some ice and stuff back there. Why don't you make us all some Old-Fashioneds?"
"Old-Fashionds? Do you think you oughta drink while you're flying?"
"Stop kidding, will ya, and make us some DRINKS! You just press the button back there marked "BOOZE!" ...It's the only way to fly! Ha ha ha!"

10. "It stinks!"

(I'm your cross-post, now!)

Armageddon Tired of Witless Screwballs

Operation Hasten the Apocalypse:

For thousands of years, prophets have predicted the end of the world. Today, various religious groups, using the latest technology, are trying to hasten it.

Their endgame is to speed the promised arrival of a messiah.

For some Christians this means laying the groundwork for Armageddon.

…Then there is Clyde Lott, a Mississippi revivalist preacher and cattle rancher. He is trying to raise a unique herd of red heifers to satisfy an obscure injunction in the Book of Numbers: the sacrifice of a blemish-free red heifer for purification rituals needed to pave the way for the messiah.

So far, only one of his cows has been verified by rabbis as worthy, meaning they failed to turn up even three white or black hairs on the animal's body.

I’m not going to judge you, Clyde. It’s no weirder than my unique herd of two-tailed possums, who I bathe every night in a mixture of flaxseed oil and catmint leaves while I chant a Druid evocation that will hopefully make Al Gore run for president.

By contrast, Bill McCartney, a former University of Colorado football coach and co-founder of the evangelical Promise Keepers movement for men, which became huge in the 1990s, has had a devil of a time getting his own apocalyptic campaign off the ground.

It's called The Road to Jerusalem, and its mission is to convert Jews to Christianity — while there is still time.

"Our whole purpose is to hasten the end times," he said. "The Bible says Jews will be brought to jealousy when they see Christians and Jewish believers together as one — they'll want to be a part of that. That's going to signal Jesus' return."

Jews and others who don't accept Jesus, he added matter-of-factly, "are toast."

Mmm. Jewish toast. I like mine with lox.

Oh, sorry. My stomach is growling. What I meant to say is, I can totally imagine all the Jews I know being “brought to jealousy” by the Promise Keepers. Nothing says “ultimate Jew experience” like packing into an open-air stadium with 50,000 of your closest sweaty Gentile friends in beer-stained NASCAR t-shirts.

Over in Mississippi, Lott believes that he is doing God's work, and that is why he wants to raise a few head of red heifers for Jewish high priests. Citing Scripture, Lott and others say a pure red heifer must be sacrificed and burned and its ashes used in purification rituals to allow Jews to rebuild the temple.

But Lott's plans have been sidetracked.

Facing a maze of red tape and testing involved in shipping animals overseas — and rumors of threats from Arabs and Jews alike who say the cows would only bring more trouble to the Middle East — he has given up on plans to fly planeloads of cows to Israel. For now.

Dude, don’t give up your dream. The Middle East won’t even notice any more trouble. It’s, like, a complete mess over there. What are a few red heifers grazing among the centuries-old in-fighting, hatred, and religious intolerance? Nothing, that’s what.

Bring on the Apocalypse, bitchez!

Caption This Photo

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I'll be watchin' you

Cheney emerges to intone guttural utterances of grave importance

Neither an immediate nor phased withdrawal would confer any protection on the United States, Cheney said. "If we pull out, they'll follow us," he said of terrorists.

"It doesn't matter where we go. This is a global conflict. We've seen them attack in London and Madrid and Casablanca and Istanbul and Mombasa and East Africa. They've been, on a global basis, involved in this conflict.

"And it will continue -- whether we complete the job or not in Iraq -- only it'll get worse. Iraq will become a safe haven for terrorists. They'll use it in order to launch attacks against our friends and allies in that part of the world."

…"No matter how you carve it -- you can call it anything you want -- but basically, it is packing it in, going home, persuading and convincing and validating the theory that the Americans don't have the stomach for this fight."

Um, yeah. They don’t.

Part of the reason is because your planning was so appallingly dire that the whole thing has become a nightmare from which there’s no evident means of extricating ourselves, but another part of it is a little thing I like to call “mismanaged expectations.” You see, when you promise that we’ll be greeted as liberators and soldiers will have sweets and flowers thrown at their feet, but the reality turns out to be that we become an indefinitely occupying force and soldiers have IEDs thrown at their ill-protected heads, people tend to get a bit testy. I’m just sayin’.

There was one bright spot of honesty in Cheney’s sit-down in The Situation Room:

Asked if it were true he's become a "dark, nefarious source in the administration," Cheney said, "I suppose sometimes people look at my demeanor and say, 'Well, he's the Darth Vader of the administration.' "

He’s not, like, bragging about it or anything, but yeah—it’s true. He’s kinda like a dark lord who can strangle people to death with his mind and shit.

You wanna make something of it?