This was a very enjoyable post to put together. Thanks to everyone who submitted their favorite quotes. I hope you have as much fun reading through all of them as I did. Let me know in comments if you think this is worth doing again.
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Melissa McEwan, Shakespeare’s Sister: [Bush’s service record] is a thorn in his side that refuses to yield no matter how he tugs on it, which is, in the end, a small price to pay compared to his cohorts who returned from the war he avoided with devastating injuries, of both the physical and psychological sorts, or never returned at all. And having launched a war that with each day draws more comparisons to the war from which he hid, the specter of his cowardly, privileged history haunts him, drawing ever nearer. Now a mother of one of the sons who died in his war darkens his very doorstep. As his limo passes by protesters holding pictures of Casey Sheehan, is he really thinking about how fortunate he is not to be Cindy, or instead about the bitter irony of escaping a fate like Casey’s only to condemn another generation? Or does he just see the trickles of sweat running down their brows from standing in the hot Texas sun, and ask his driver to turn up the air conditioning, as he turns away and closes his eyes?
Tom Hilton, If I Ran the Zoo: And this completes Henninger's absolute inversion of morality. Lynching is justice, due process is injustice. Hysterical hatred is laudable, rational consideration is lamentable. Succumbing to bloodlust is civilized, restraint is barbaric….It's the whole post-9/11 mentality in a nutshell. People like Henninger so loved the rush of being under attack that they have done everything possible to prolong it; they turned off their critical faculties at the time and it felt so good they never bothered to turn them on again. That's why they find it so threatening to see rationality return to America.
Sizemore, The Brutal Truth: I'm left with no other alternative but to continue to believe that Blitzer's prescription on his eyeglasses indeed ran out somewhere around 1992, and he's been wandering the CNN newsroom blind as a bearded, persistently vegetative, fruitbat ever since.
The Disgruntled Chemist: Ever since man first stepped out of the African plains, he has been fascinated by the act of blowing shit up.
Iain McEwan, Shakespeare’s Sister: This is what happens when you indulge in empty brinksmanship and sabre rattling against a totalitarian regime: you hand the insane despot in question a perfect excuse for arming himself to the teeth.
Creature, State of the Day: It's always about the images with these guys. Think Jessica Lynch. Think terror alerts. When things are going wrong and questions are being asked the Bush Administration puts on a show. They are good at the show. Whether it's a mission accomplished party on an aircraft carrier (codpiece included) or it's a mean old statue being torn down, it's always image over substance. The problem is they govern the same exact way. The entire leadership of this country are b-list actors who punch the clock when Karl Rove yells cut.
Steven, Thoughts from an Empty Head: Shut. Up.
Adam, Gustav’s Groupie: I haven't really written a political post on this blog. I wouldn't say it's my forte. But today I was provoked (or as Sara would say, I got riled up). I was munching on my lunch, contemplating a five letter plural word for "bell ringers" which I ended up putting down as "monks" but that isn't the point. The point is that my crossword reverie was interrupted by some imbecilic rant emanating from three coworkers arranged around the table so that my cozy corner of word-puzzling rapture was encircled with lunacy. "I hate jury duty." Fair enough, I don't. "I always try to get out of it." Well, aren't you a model citizen? (Background info: two of the people in this discussion have sons in law enforcement.) "I mean, if the cops arrested them, then they must be guilty." This is said with sincerity and is the reason I'm sure one of them has not served any of the "eight times [he's] been called in the last ten years." It is here that we depart from this story and I ruminate.
Flerdle: There’s a country called Iraq, north-west from here. It used to be a nice enough place, even if the leader was pretty nasty and did some terrible things. Most people got by ok. There were hospitals, and electricity, and schools and universities. It became a very very not nice place a few years ago, so a lot of people left. Perhaps they were the lucky ones; at least they haven’t been blown up by their nice foreign “friends". But now they wander the world trying to make a living, trying to raise their kids, trying not to get too sad about what they had to leave behind and how bad things have become there now. They end up having to put up with a lot, wherever they find themselves, because they can’t go back, and they don’t have many more options. One day they hope to go back, to whatever is left of it by then. Meanwhile, time passes on. They try not to cry too much. Other times, they can let themselves hope, a little. Thursday, at the border on the way to Dubai: “Your nationality?” “Iraqi.” “You are going to vote?” “Yes.”
Linkmeister (responding to a report that Bush had tied his father’s lowest approval rating): Just a little more of a drop, Dubya, and you'll have managed one more thing your Daddy didn't do!
Tata, Poor Impulse Control:
Dear Senator Feingold,
Regarding censure of President Bush: rock on.
That is all,
Princess Tata
...Only, you know, I signed my real name. This morning, the Internal Editor recast it as a Howard Cosell interview of the late sixties:
Cosell: Princess, are you sure that Senator Feingold has the rock in him and does in fact rock?
Tata: Well, Howard, I have to say that Senator Feingold is completely hot, and does
in fact rock.
Cosell: Interesting choice of words, Princess, but as you know, many times the young senators rock all night long but cease rocking as time and ambition thwart the rocking out.
Tata: If I may say so, Howard, Senator Feingold shows great promise as a person who may not just rock but may rock on, perhaps even roll.
Cosell: Rock of Ages?
Tata: Still rolling!
Cosell: There you have it. Tough words from a smart broad.
Tata: Oh Howard! I'm blushing.
Cosell: Back to you, Jim...
Quixote, Acid Test: I've had it with being bullied by bigots hiding behind cutouts of gods made in their own image. Enough already. Burn witches for God. Kill heathens for God. Let people die of Aids for God. And so on and on and on and on… God is no excuse for killing people. Anyone who pretends so, is not religious. God is no excuse for destroying women. Or for throwing acid in their faces, or for pretending they're half-human. God is no excuse for letting children starve, while forcing women to produce starving children. God is no excuse for ANY suffering inflicted by one human being on another… The irony is that hiding bigotry under a flag full of God is idolatry, in the real meaning of the word. That would be funny, if it didn't cause oceans of suffering. People talk of culture wars and clashes of civilizations. Damn right there's a clash. It's between people of good faith, with or without a religion, and theocrats dictating how others should live.
Crabbi, A Curmudgeonly Crab: For a nonreligious person, I think about God a lot - I call myself a hopeful agnostic. I may not be 100% sure, but I do know one thing. Those dour, ass-clenching fundies are engaged in an unholy crusade against reason, civil liberties and joy. And I haven't seen one yet with a decent sense of humor. Mention that Jesus might not be pleased with their mean-spiritedness and they freak out and get all proprietary. "He's MY Jesus. Hands off, you harlot. My Jesus can totally kick your Jesus' ass." Well, I've never actually heard anyone say that, but I know that's what they're thinking. To which I say, "You talk to Jesus with that mouth?"
Deborah Lipp, Property of a Lady: I’m totally bugged by how surprised so many straight people are that some people turn out to be gay, and how much evidence they seem to need before they get it. I mean, surprised at stereotypically, flamboyantly, fabulously gay people being gay. I could offer a zillion examples. Liberace. Liber-flippin’-ace! People didn’t know he was gay. People wondered if he’d get married. But hey, it was the fifties. So how about, say…Ricky Martin. People were shocked! Shocked I tell you! At rumors of his gayly gayness. Because otherwise he was…what? … In some ways, the cluelessness, the inability to simply be aware, is worse, is more hopeless, than the homophobia. (Okay, not really. This is hyperbole. Homophobia is worse.) Because it bespeaks a life lived, a worldview, in which homosexuality does not exist, and is a surprise each and every time. If you looked at the world with the knowledge that some people in the world are gay, just as a matter of course, you could not possibly be surprised by its most obvious instances. So just wake the hell up.
Litbrit, The Last Duchess: I daresay we shouldn't be surprised that when asked by a German news weekly to name "his best moment in office", the Great Decider replied that it was when he caught a 7.5 pound perch in his lake… Of course. A fish. A bloody (groan) fish. Shot in the barrel that is the President's well-stocked lake. Many of us out here would suggest that the main achievement of BushCo et. al. has been something that might have looked good to some of the flock, but wound up stinking to high Heaven, as it were. And oh, yes, Great Decider's defining moment was nothing if not cold-blooded. Scales? Surely not the ones of justice. The Constitution? Looks like they consider it little more than something with which to wrap that hapless perch. And if you'll permit me one more pun, I'd like to offer this: We, the People, look forward to the day that the crime family is removed from power and we can smile at one another as the credits roll, bursting into applause when we see the word: Fin.
Bran, Raising Other People’s Children, and Other Outtakes: As most of you already know, today is President' Day. My charming group of preschoolers were instructed by our curriculum to draw a picture for the president, then dictate a letter for one of the teachers in the room, myself, Ms. H or Ms. J, to copy down in their exact words…
Dear Mr. President:
Stick. Horse. Blue. Kite.
Dear Mr. President:
I hope you are having fun. I am in Texas. It is fun here. I would like to meet you, but I am in Texas and you are not.
Dear Mr. President:
I writing to you from (school's name, but completely mixed up). I don't know you.
Upon showing these to Ms. J, she commented the President would think we taught some seriously challenged kids. "This won't do! He won't be impressed with our program!"
After commenting the Pres would most likely never see the damn things to begin with, I added, "But if he did, at least most of them would be on his reading level." She didn't find it funny, and chose not to speak to me for the rest of the afternoon.
Cygirl: Which brings me to my main point. I called one of my brothers to share the story, and he happened to be at dinner with my bloomin' sister and her eunuch of a husband. (I think that's correct usage of that word; it means neutered, right)? Usually, the conversation would have lasted a really long time, consisting of various statements such as, "Remember when he almost set his pants on fire and had to call the fire department from the pond?" (FYI- Dad just retired from the fire department after 30 years, 15 of which he served as assistant chief. In my experience, firemen are the worst at letting things get out of hand, flame-wise. Or maybe it's just him. Apple not far from the tree and all that.) The fact remains that somewhere in the conversation, the following sentence would have been uttered: "It's just like the time he brought Goose Goose home."
Gideon S: If you're not troubled by the thought of an Air Force general assuming control of a civilian intelligence organization like the CIA, allow me to put your mind at unease.
Lance Mannion: I had a very small role in the play, and that was all right with me. I was a rising star in the drama club but because I was smallish and skinny and had a talent for taking a prat fall I was specializing in playing comic servants. I had played a comic servant the previous spring and we were scheduled to do The Taming of the Shrew in the spring upcoming. The Taming of the Shrew is a goldmine for actors who play comic servants. Kate can't throw a potted plant without beaning a comic servant---and picking off another with the ricochet.
The Orange Magritte, Viscous Lidocaine: You don't judge a schizophrenic by their appearances. You don't diagnose bipolar disorder on hair dos. You can't fathom how fucked up a mind can get despite having a matching bag to your boots. OMFG. Pretty=sane. Who has that in the dsm-iv?
Blogenfreude, Agitprop: Sick and tired of all the death and mayhem caused by the various religions? Convinced that the Dear Leaker will call his faithful to action and your ass might be next? Never fear! Click here to learn exactly where the fundies are concentrated. If you're not yet ready to leave for Italy or France or New Zealand, maybe you can find a quiet corner of the U.S. in which to hide when the bullets start flying in the culture wars! (brought to you by Bu$hCo).
Daniel, Thought Theater: I’ve always found it fascinating to listen when William F. Buckley speaks. Much of what he says, for me, walks the fine line between intellectual genius and laugh out loud temerity. Given the breadth of his intellect, I’ve often wondered how often he’s made comments simply for the sporting value they might afford. Regardless, this category will attempt to mimic his expansive use of language to satirize current news and events. This entry is intended to satirize the President’s difficulties surrounding the handling of the war in Iraq. The question: What would Bill Buckley say about the apparent inability of President Bush to acknowledge mistakes made in the execution of the war in Iraq and his unwillingness to move forward with evaluating alternative plans? The answer: The President, while seemingly embrangled in a sempiternal belligerency, appears to be ensnared by the conflation of narcissistic ideation and a religiose neocolonialist predisposition.
Shelley, But Wait, There’s More!: I missed my chance. Paula Vogel is a Pulitzer prize-winning playwright who teaches at Brown University. She was there when I was there. And she's that rare combination... a genius who really grooves on teaching. But despite the fact that I fell in love with theater at Brown, stage-managing more shows than anyone else on campus, I never took a class with Paula Vogel. Why?
Sara, F-Words: I think many of us would agree that the birth control pill is the greatest recreational drug of all time.
Pam, Pam’s House Blend: Peter LaBarbara in a letter to me: Dare I say that you, too, would be highly offended at some of the activities that are "tolerated" there [at International Mr. Leather] –such as a booth for the "Waterboys"-men who urinate on and in one another for sexual pleasure? My response: Quite frankly, I don't think much about this stuff unless I read it on bible-beating moralist news sites, why do you? While I personally don't find the idea of this particular practice appealing, I don't have to partake in it, nor do you or your fellow good Christians. This is about adult, consensual behavior (despite your attempt to pre-empt the use of this as a counter-argument). Why is this not a persuasive argument? Are you saying you would like to criminalize golden showers? How, exactly, would that be enforced? Hetero or homo participants or both? ...When you make multiple trips to "uncover" deviant acts by "going undercover" to gay pride events (or International Mr. Leather), this kind of effort doesn't tell your audience anything about the entire gay community, any more than heading to hetero swingers clubs, a frat house or the local meet-market bar tells me about straight sexual culture. Sexual subcultures exist along the entire orientation spectrum. Why are you so fixated on the sex? Is it because it is non-procreative? Explain this need to place yourself in these situations.
Waveflux: There is a classic episode of Seinfeld in which Jerry explores the many ways in which his friend George has fallen short over the years. "You've been the bad employee," he says cheerfully, "the bad son, the bad friend, the bad fiance, the bad dinner guest," and goes on and on, "the bad credit risk, the bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen...the bad tipper!" While I empathize with George's protest against the endless recitation ("All right...the point is made"), I also empathize with his situation, because I've been all of those things over time and occasionally several of them at once. (Except, perhaps, for the bad tipper.) There is something I haven't been, however, and that's the bad husband. Everything I do that's at all useful or decent is either done in furtherance of being a good husband, or as a result of being a good husband. Some people might say that this assigns too much emphasis or definition of self to marriage. I say you gotta start somewhere.
Paul the Spud, The Adventures of the Smart Patrol: Stop this bullshit right now and get back to work. Say it with me: There is no War on Christmas. … You're worried you might feel bad because you say "Merry Christmas?" Tough fucking titty. Boo-hoo. There are other holidays (holy days, you dingbat) celebrated at this time of the year, and just because someone says "Happy Holidays" doesn't mean they're trying to stop you from celebrating Christmas. You get upset when retail stores use generic holiday statements? Tough shit. It's business, and if you don't like it, sit at home in your Grinch footie pajamas and shop online. Good luck finding an online store that doens't use the dreaded "Happy Holidays" line, though. So put up your fucking tree, drink your fucking eggnogg, sing about Good King Wenceslas, open your fucking presents, wear your goddamn ass-ugly Christmas sweater, celebrate the Christ in Christmas to your heart's content, and do please SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Shamanic, SimianBrain: It is true that the state and local agencies failed to save the day. This absolves the federal government not one bit. It is insufficient for the President's proxies to imply that because one of the poorest states in the nation didn't respond appropriately that the federal government has no reason to step in to prevent the widespread death that occurred in New Orleans. Americans were dying and President George Bush would have you believe that this is not something that the federal government has a duty to get involved in. Shame on him. This is conservatism in a nut shell. This is the crusade of the small government warriors who want maximum freedom because they are already wealthy. …In the Ownership Society, only those who suffer are accountable for their choices. Look at how Michael Brown blamed those who couldn't or wouldn't leave during the evacuation. Poor people have personal responsibility in the Ownership Society, but the rich, like Brown, Bush, Cheney, Rove, Rumsfeld, and all the rest of the purported men in charge, are not even responsible for doing their jobs.
Lava Lady, This is Really the Last Time: It's just that "tolerance" and full-blown acceptance are very very very different things. Instead of being proud of straight men for going to see this movie, how about really talking about what it means to love, to be a family? I talk to my kids about this stuff a lot. It's one of the few things I make a concerted effort to share with them (boys and girls are equal, people of different colours are no different, all kinds of families are cool (divorced, married, one dad, two moms, etc), it's no different for two women to be girlfriends than for me to have a boyfriend - it's about love). It seems overly simplistic, but I think it's important to say out loud.
Zack, The Duck Speaks: And that’s the real horror of Annie: she takes whatever she likes, she lays waste to all you believed sacrosanct, and you cannot reason with her. It is impossible to be safe when you’re in the control of a person who is utterly mad- banal and clichéd as that may sound, it’s a horror that not many novels of this ilk are truly willing to exploit. To bring it back to my interminable opening digression, Misery is one of the only stories I’ve read or seen that manages to bring me back to that sickly awful feeling I’d get every time I walked in Aunt Cathy’s front door, the way I became overly conscious of my heartbeat- too fast? too loud?- as I took off my shoes and set them neatly under the coat rack, always facing in, always with the laces under the tongue.
Michael, The Grind: Why is it so difficult for our opponents to see the value in (supporting) same-sex couples who desire to be married? Instead they try to cast gays and lesbians as selfish and destructive--as though we are villains trying to steal a precious commodity that only straight couples should possess, and that must be protected at all costs. They are wrong, because remember, marriage is about love. Love is not a limited resource. Love should be used to bring people together and strengthen communities. Love has power that is greater than fear, greater than contempt, greater than anger. Love is the cornerstone of our families and the mortar that binds us together. Love is universal, and love transcends the limits that others would try to place on it. Love is essential to marriage. …Others might work long hours and spend millions of dollars to keep me from inflicting some imagined damage upon the institution of marriage. They will fail. They will fail because the fight they have chosen is one that is not being fought against limited, man-made resources. They are fighting against love. And in the end, love always wins.
Comandante Agi, Pime Forest Collective: Normally I don't get involved in internecine blogger warfare. I rather focus my time on real political squabbles and scandals (or kick ass videos) as opposed to keyboard battles between blogging foes. However, something has erupted in the blogosphere which is rather interesting. Self-proclaimed "classical liberal" and ego-maniac Jeff Goldstein is in a financial bind. His landlord is selling his property and Jeff and his family will be forced to move. My first thought was, umm, Jeff Goldstein is a renter? How come he's not a member of the Bush ownership society? Only limp-wristed effete liberals refuse to join the ownership society… So Goldstein is asking his readers for financial help. There's nothing wrong with that. It proves that he's willing to sacrifice a smidgen of his pride and become a beggar in his very own Like a Rolling Stone moment. But whatever happened to uber-conservative "do it yourself" idols like Horatio Alger and Ayn Rand? Shouldn't Jeff pick himself up by his bootstraps, go get a job and quit spending his entire day on his blog? That would be the practical thing to do. But he abandons his rugged individualism at the drop of a hat. Apparently the camembert du gouvernement tastes rather good right now. Maybe we should chip in and send him a bottle of Bordeaux to wash it down.
Griftdrift, Drifting through the Grift: Ken Jautz' goal is to revamp CNN's Headline News. Apparently re-vamping is defined in the CNN lexicon as wasting every minute of prime time on bloviaters spewing an unending stream of feces into our living rooms.
Misty, Expostulation: What was it that Jesus said again? "Blessed are the rich and the poor can suck my balls" I'm sure that's it.
DBK, Blanton’s and Ashton’s: I remember all the trouble the Clinton presidency had over the president's pet, which he let off the leash a few too many times.
Fritz, On the Fritz: Horowitz is reported to have delivered his usual McCarthy Era-style paranoid rant about how liberals have taken over our colleges and universities. … What I found most amusing was how Horowitz explained to the audience that the word “liberal” is misused when applied to political debate on campus. He believes the terms that should be used are “leftist, communist, and totalitarian.” … I would like to point out that a similar denunciation can be made about many of those who currently disguise their class-conscious values and attitudes with the word “conservative.” Horowitz and those who share his often shockingly racist beliefs and cynicism can best be described as illiberal — narrow-minded and intolerant of progressive ideas and alternative viewpoints. … If you read his biography, you’ll find that Horowitz benefited from a liberal arts education when he attended Columbia and Berkeley, where he received degrees in English literature. The fact that he has become an agent for intolerance and would now deny that same benefit to today’s students is shameful, deceitful, and obviously motivated by personal greed and ambition.
Maria, 2 Political Junkies: Bush told a German magazine that this was his best moment as President: “The best moment was -- you know, I've had a lot of great moments. I don't know, it's hard to characterize the great moments. They've all been busy moments, by the way. I would say the best moment was when I caught a seven-and-a-half pound large mouth bass on my lake.” We would add that it was also his finest achievement!
Open Wide...
Shut Up!
