Shakesville

Wal-Mart Rulezzz

Seriously, I wouldn’t step foot in a fucking Wal-Mart if you paid me, which is no easy feat considering it’s the biggest store in this lousy town, but lest I needed yet another reason to avoid the Evil Empire (for the minimally less evil K-empire that is my only option), how about this?

They hire a thrice-convicted sex offender named Bobby Devon Randall, who then proceeds to touch himself in front a 10-year-old girl in the electronics aisle. The incident was caught on video and is now going to trial six years after the complaint was filed. Here’s the best part:

After her daughter told her what happened, Hollins returned to the superstore the next day to speak to a manager and was offered a $25 gift certificate as a token of concern, according to the complaint filed in Richland County.

How much therapy does $25 buy at Wal-Mart?

This poor girl has understandably been a mess since this incident, when she went to look for an Aaliyah CD and instead found a disgusting pervert who took advantage of her, and suckass Wal-Mart’s best offer until they were sued was a $25 gift certificate?! What an asshole that store manager is. Of course, I don’t suppose you can expect much from someone who didn’t bother to make sure convicted child molesters weren’t hired in the first place.

(Hat tip Dlisted.)

Friends to those who need no friends

Could someone remind me just what the joint appearance in Iraq of the SecDef and the SecState was supposed to accomplish?

A welcome stamp of American approval of Iraqi attempts to forge a unity government? Well...

Iraqi officials said they, too, were surprised by the unannounced arrival of Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, and some said they feared it could disrupt negotiations to form a new government, and erode its legitimacy.

"We didn't invite them," said Kamal Saadi, a Shiite legislator close to the newly named prime minister, Nouri al-Maliki.

Saadi said Iraqi leaders hadn't been notified in advance of the visit, which came days after Iraqi politicians broke through an impasse on the naming of a prime minister.

"Maybe Rumsfeld's visit can be justified" because of the American troop presence, "but I can't see a clear reason behind Rice's visit," he said. "The crisis is over, and negotiations are taking place."

A demonstration of camaraderie and coordination among Cabinet members? Er...

Rice and Rumsfeld often seemed in separate orbits, with little of the warmth of [Rice's] earlier visit. One purpose of this joint trip was to get the sometimes conflicting military and political operations in sync for the transition to a permanent Iraqi government. But the contrasting styles of the two secretaries were sometimes jarring.

Even after arriving in Iraq after an exhausting sprint through Greece and Turkey, Rice appeared energized by the task at hand here. Rumsfeld arrived directly from Washington--after a recent Asian tour--but he seemed disengaged and bored both to reporters traveling with him and some U.S. officials. Some felt he seemed irritated at the whole exercise. He did not speak to reporters traveling with him as he flew to Baghdad.

A much-needed moral boost for our fighting troops overseas? Uh...

As Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld made their surprise visits to Baghdad on Wednesday, many of the troops stationed north of Baghdad, in Balad and Dujail, say either they didn't know about it or didn't care.

"I'd ask him for a plane ticket home to see my wife. I have barely seen her in the last two years," said a young sergeant, who did not want to be identified. Like many of the soldiers with the 4th Infantry Division, he is on his second deployment to Iraq.

Some joked that whenever VIP's come to visit they just go to the main bases and meet the "fobbits," the nickname given to troops who do not go outside the barbed wire.

They're not seen as useful, not even to each other. With each passing day, the Bush White House is becoming more and more the Boston Quackie of presidential administrations.

(Post, riposte, cross-post...)

Oh, and Another Thing...

If you're going to be singing "The Star Spangled Banner," it had better be in English.

Malkin:

Whose anthem, whose flag, whose country is it, anyway?

And remember, according to Tony Snow, racism doesn't exist in this country anymore.

So obviously, this must be something else.

If you'll all excuse me, I'll be bashing my head against a wall for the rest of the day.

(You're living in your own private cross-post...)

What a Shocker

Political Wire:

Late last year we noted a possible sex scandal could be linked to the bribery scandal that brought down former Rep. Randall "Duke" Cunningham (R-CA). Now, the Wall Street Journal confirms federal prosecutors are investigating whether two contractors supplied Cunningham "with prostitutes and free use of a limousine and hotel suites, pursuing evidence that could broaden their long-running inquiry."

God, that’s so 80s. I’m just waiting for the grainy B&Ws of Cunningham sniffing coke off a hooker’s ass while watching re-runs of Dallas. Hey, Duke—who shot JR?!

The sudden hush you hear on Capitol Hill is because "investigators are focusing on whether any other members of Congress, or their staffs, may also have used the same free services... Agents have fanned out across Washington, interviewing women from escort services, potential witnesses and others who may have been involved in the arrangement."

They’re interviewing women from escort services, huh? Why am I thinking this investigation will turn into a scandal of its own? “Federal agent Dick Jackmehoff was indicted this morning for charging Happy Endings to his government-issued credit card…”

Swell

While you weren't looking:
After weeks of lobbying by retail and shipping industry interests, and at a time when the House GOP leadership is trying to force through a watered-down lobbying "reform" measure, when no one was looking today these same House GOP members voted against requiring all containers to be screened. But they did manage to pocket the campaign contributions from the industry though. [my em]
Aren't the Rethugs the 'party of national security'? Mercenary cocksuckers.

This international port is about five minutes away from my house.

The port's labor force handles more tons per hour than any other port on the Great Lakes, which reduces shipping costs and creates a competitive advantage for the Port of Indiana…

Overall, Indiana's three-port system handled $1.5 billion of cargo in 2005.

So, you know, this kind of shit really pisses me off.

Oh...

Just in case you were wondering, Conservatives still wouldn't know funny if it fell out of the sky, landed on their nose and started to wiggle.

What tiny, tiny penises they must have.

Update: More on "Hate as Humor" at No More Mr. Nice Blog (check out those examples!) and Mahablog.

(Tip of the Energy Dome to Crooks & Liars.)

Bush Privately Favors Citizenship for Undocumented Immigrants

That’s the story, anyway. I don’t know whether he genuinely favors something approaching amnesty, but it’s certainly convenient for him if he can be seen by those of us who aren’t particularly sympathetic to the Fortress America Gang as being “privately” more in agreement with us, while simultaneously being seen by his base as nonetheless unyielding in his political hardline.

It strikes me as very carefully constructed—another “good” leak—but while those in the so-called mushy middle who aren’t overtly hostile to undocumented immigrants may be persuaded by his highwire balancing act, it looks like it’s backfiring with those who’d happily declare open season on illegal immigrants. Malkin is predictably going apeshit: “Open-Borders Bush: The Final Straw?”

Final straw—get real. Can there be any doubt that he will eventually end up on whatever side will most benefit his corporate pals? Here’s a hint: It isn’t massive deportations of the most easily exploitable workforce in America. People like Malkin, who disguise their wanton racism behind semi-legitimate national security concerns, should be embarrassed that they ever gave breath to the belief that Bush was really the “National Security” president. Cronyism trumps everything with this guy, including and especially the safety of the American people, whether it’s safety from terrorism, safety from hurricanes, safety from financial ruin, safety from bad drugs, or anything else. We have never been less safe on every level than we are under Bush. This isn’t the final straw; it’s just another straw on the pile that long ago crushed lots of Americans under the weights of its many, many straws.

Crap

The members of the House Energy and Commerce Committee have voted down the Dem-backed Net Neutrality Amendment.

WTF?

No, seriously... What... the... fuck??

CA Woman Spanked at Work Sues for $1.2 Million (bolds mine)

FRESNO, Calif. - Lawyers for a woman who was spanked in front of her co-workers as part of what her employer said was a camaraderie-building exercise asked a jury Wednesday for at least $1.2 million for the humiliation she claimed to have suffered.

Zuh? A camaraderie-building exercise? Whatever happened to "trust falls," and that other cheesy stuff?

I like how they threw that "claimed to have suffered" in there, as well. She must be exaggerating in order to shake down her company; it's highly suspicious that someone could be humiliated after being treated like this:

Janet Orlando, 53, quit her job at the home security company Alarm One Inc. in Fresno and sued, alleging discrimination, assault, battery and infliction of emotional distress.

Employees were paddled with rival companies' yard signs as part of a contest that pitted sales teams against each other, according to court documents. The winners poked fun at the losers, throwing pies at them, feeding them baby food, making them wear diapers and swatting their buttocks.

Juh?? No, seriously, who in the world thought up this "camaraderie-building exercise?" Who the fuck in their right minds would think for a second that this was a good idea?

"No reasonable middle-aged woman would want to be put up there before a group of young men, turned around to show her buttocks, get spanked and called abusive names, and told it was to increase sales and motivate employees," her lawyer, Nicholas "Butch" Wagner, said in his closing argument.

Of course not. Because thinking that doing something like this to your employees will increase sales and motivate employees is fucking crazy.

Lawyers for Alarm One, an Anaheim-based, 300-employee company, said the spankings were part of a voluntary program to build camaraderie and were not discriminatory because they were given to both male and female workers.

Oh, for the luvva crumb cake. Look out folks, it's the "She's just being a sensitive female" defense! You gotta love that one, it's a classic. Apparently, if you're treated at fucking work the same way you'd be treated at the receiving end of a particularly stupid fraternity initiation and you get upset about it, you're just being a silly little woman. My mistake.

And by the way... if you've worked in an office at any point, I'm sure you realize that these "voluntary" motivational exercises are rarely "voluntary."

Seriously, what knucklehead thought that this would possibly be a good idea? Who the hell though that you could do this to people and no one would get upset? And who the fuck approved this and let them go ahead with it?

"This is being done for one reason and one reason only - money," said K. Poncho Baker, the company's lawyer.

Of course it is. Because no one would suffer humiliation as a result of something like this, and there's no way it could create a hostile work environment. You fucking douchebag.

Now, I'm willing to bet that if Orlando wins this case, you're going to be hearing a lot of "get over it" talk. Come to think of it, you'll probably be hearing that kind of talk throughout the entire ordeal. Blowhards that dribble this nonsense deserve to be... well, put in diapers, fed baby food, pied, and spanked in front of their co-workers. Let's see how they like it.

These actions are an exercise in humiliation. They have absolutely nothing at all to do with good business. Pick up any book on motivating employees; I guarantee you'll never see "humiliate them in front of their co-workers" recommended as a motivational exercise.

The amount is moot. A hundered bucks... $1.5 million... this is not about money. This is about forcing a woman to give up her dignity in front of her co-workers for a cheap fucking laugh.

Oh, and by the way...

Alarm One officials ceased the practice in 2004, the year Orlando sued, after another employee complained of being injured, according to court records.

If your insane, overzealous "motivational exercise" is injuring employees, then that would be assault and battery.
You fucking douchebags.

(Someone reached in and grabbed it... it was a Rock Cross-Post!)

Question of the Day

After Mr. Shakes great question yesterday, I suppose we’ll have to go with the obvious follow-up. Who are your most beloved characters from works of film fiction (not based on written works)?

So many come to mind all at once, I can hardly make a concise list. But a few to get started…Indiana Jones, Harold, Maude, Princess Leia, Lester Burnham, Marsellus Wallace, Verbal Kint, Trinity, David Dunn, Marvin Udall…I could go on for ages.

Mr. Shakes also mentions Princess Leia, along with Jules Winnfield, Vincent Vega, Rocky, The Man With No Name, Dirty Harry, Oddball, Han Solo, John McClane…

Gov to 9/11 Families: Screw You

U.S. seeks to keep evidence from 9/11 families. Of course they do.

As angry as I am on a daily basis about the various horseshit this administration pulls, I can't even begin to imagine how those families feel. From Day One, they've been given nothing but grief, to add to that which they already felt about losing a loved one. My heart truly goes out to them.

I Get Hate Mail

Care of Craig Fox, whose email address I will not share, since I’m not Michelle Malkin:

Fiona Apple, who it would probably be physically impossible for me to look less like:

The “nothing to offer” bit is spot-on, though. Thanks, Craig!

Photo Dump: The Adventures of Georgie

Have you ever seen the McClellatron
look so happy in all his days?

He can barely contain his giddiness.
You just know he’s thinking, “Good luck, Snow,
you assmonkey—you’re gonna need it!”

I have news for Janet Woodcock...

Teenagedom is already the biggest sex-based cult there is. Teenagers who aren't having sex, trying to have sex, trying not to have sex even though they really really want to, or generally obsessing about All Things Sex are unhealthy and probably destined for a life of misery. A concept with which I'm guessing you're probably quite familiar.

Making emergency contraception available to them isn't going to make them any hornier than they already are, because it's simply not possible.

And, as an aside, horny teenagers aren't the only ones who might like to have access to Plan B, you idiotic ninny.

Nice name, by the way.

Caption This Photo

WH Spokeswhore Tony "The Fonz" Snow

(Thanks to Cernig for the pic.)

I can’t believe this is an actual press release.

Posted in full because it’s just too damn amusing not to!

WASHINGTON, April 26 /U.S. Newswire/ -- Following is the text of a memo released today by the Democratic National Committee:

To: Josh Bolten, Chief of Staff, Executive Office Of The President
Tony Snow, Press Secretary, Executive Office Of The President

From: DNC Communications

RE: Your Five-Point Plan And Your New All-Time Low Poll Numbers -- 32 percent (!)

Welcome to the West Wing! We know it's been a tough few months. So, as you head into the last thousand days of the Bush Administration, we wanted to offer some suggestions on Josh's five- point plan to help ensure you don't repeat the same mistakes.

1. DEPLOY GUNS AND BADGES

Time Magazine noted that this move to focus solely on border enforcement, not comprehensive immigration reform, is "an unabashed play to members of the conservative base who are worried about illegal immigration." For five years, your Administration ignored America's borders, undermining the security of our country. But, why stop there? If you really want to convince the American people that you are "getting tough," how about addressing the need for additional resources for port security, first responders, chemical and nuclear plants? After all, Americans know that homeland security begins with hometown security.

It might help if President Bush would finally take a stand to show real leadership on comprehensive immigration reform. So far, he has failed to outline the specifics of his guest worker program, which without a legalization component would make immigrant workers indentured servants and depress wages for all American workers. Instead, the President punted the issue to the Republican-controlled Congress, which has already failed Americans on the issue.

As Congress returns to session this week, we suggest that President Bush, Republican Senate Leader Bill Frist, and Republican House Speaker Dennis Hastert show the American people some real leadership on comprehensive immigration reform.

2. MAKE WALL STREET HAPPY

You might have missed the news reports, but we are pretty sure this one has already been taken care of. From the pork-laden Republican energy bill that helped energy companies profit handsomely, to the flawed Medicare prescription drug plan that will line the pockets of pharmaceutical companies and your failed scheme to privatize Social Security that would have handed financial firms billions in fees, Wall Street's been happy since the President first arrived from Texas.

Instead, how about helping out Main Street? Tony, the last thing we need is a PR campaign. Ensuring middle class tax fairness, raising the minimum wage, and jawboning whoever can help lower gas prices are all good ideas.

3. BRAG MORE

According to Time, "Bolten's plan also calls for more happy talk about the economy." We strongly advise against President Bush returning to his familiar role as "Campaigner-in-Chief." We suggest abandoning the "happy talk" about the economy and misleading rhetoric on Iraq.

How about recognizing the fact that median family incomes are down and that the minimum wage hasn't been raised in nearly a decade? We're pretty sure this straight talk coupled with real solutions to the everyday economic realities faced by millions of hard working American families will work better than bragging more.

4. RECLAIM SECURITY CREDIBILITY

Glad to see you've finally been able to admit what we've known for some time now, that this is no longer a winning issue for Republicans. That's a good first step. Must have been tough to admit, we know that. For decades, Republicans have controlled the debate over security but President Bush and his Republican Congress's failed policies and stubborn aides (Sorry, Karl!) have undone years of good, solid fear-mongering. No wonder the American people don't feel secure. Not to mention that Osama Bin Laden is still on the loose, sending us more videos than Netflix, and your Administration wanted to allow a foreign government-owned company to take over operations at a few of our largest ports. We've tried it your way, why not join Democrats and implement the recommendations of the 9/11 commission for starters? But, why stop there? Having undermined Americans' security across the board, isn't it about time that we properly equip our troops in Iraq, restore alliances with our allies, revitalize our military, and ensure our National Guard has the resources they need?

5. COURTING THE PRESS

This one might be tougher than just changing flacks. What was it that you guys called the press corps? Irrelevant? A filter? We'd suggest it might be time to stop playing the blame game. The coverage of Iraq and your failing economy are not the problem, the policies are actually the problem. While we wish Tony well, we'd suggest a different tack. How about just telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? You might have noticed, the press doesn't like it when you cherry-pick the facts and then stonewall when you're caught. So, Tony, just remember honesty will be more appreciated than the kind of clever spin that puts a smile on Ari's face. (Remember "Freedom's taste is unquenchable"?) And Tony, don't forget you're on the taxpayers' payroll now. It's not about pushing Republican spin anymore, its about being accountable to the American people.

----

Paid for and authorized by the Democratic National Committee. This communication is not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee.

Not to mention that Osama Bin Laden is still on the loose, sending us more videos than Netflix??? LOL!

Well done, DNC. That’s some funny shit, bitchez.

Day of Silence

Christian-Bashing Unabated Nationwide Study Shows

Three-quarters of students surveyed across America said that over the past year they heard derogatory remarks such as "Jesus freak" or "Bible basher" frequently or often at school, and nearly nine out of ten reported hearing "that's so Christian" or "you're so Christian" - meaning stupid or worthless - frequently or often. Over a third of students said they experienced physical harassment at school on the basis of religious orientation and more than a quarter on the basis of their religious expression. Nearly one-in-five students reported they had been physically assaulted because of their religious orientation and over a tenth because of their religious expression.

…The study also showed that bullying has had a negative impact on learning. Christian students were five times more likely to report having skipped school in the last month because of safety concerns than the general population of students. Students who experience more frequent physical harassment were more likely to report they did not plan to go to college, the study found. Overall, Christian students were twice as likely as the general population of students to report they were not planning to pursue any post-secondary education. In addition, the average GPA for Christian students who were frequently physically harassed was half a grade lower than that of Christian students experiencing less harassment.

This, of course, is total bullshit. It’s an article about gay students that I changed to make this point to conservative homobigot Christians who constantly whine about being persecuted: Shut the fuck up, you moany cunts!

It's gay-bashing that is unabated. It's LGBT kids who hear "faggot" and "dyke" and "that's so gay." It's LGBT kids who are bullied and assaulted. It's LGBT kids who skip school and whose grades suffer and whose futures are put at risk because of that to which they are subjected every day by peers who target them simply because they are different.

There are people who are genuinely persecuted in this country, kids who are harassed, who are hurt, who feel lost and marginalized and alone. They will grow up to be people who are disenfranchised from some of the rights and securities most of us take for granted. And there is no reason for it but insistent bigotry, social conservatives’ resolute determination to relegate the LGBT community to second-class citizenship and harass them with their vicious vitriol, issued in the moments they take a breather from the continual complaining about how oppressed they are.

But they are dinosaurs, and one day they will be extinct—and we will collect their bones and put them in a museum and tell our grandchildren about the freaks who once thought that the LGBT community didn’t deserve to be our equals. Our grandchildren will laugh and shake their heads, and we will remember bitterly when we had to be silent to make some noise.

Today marks the 10th annual National Day of Silence, launched by the Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network during which “those who support making anti-LGBT bullying and harassment unacceptable in schools participate in events to recognize and protest the discrimination and harassment—in effect, the silencing—experienced by lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender students and their allies.” This year, a half-million students in 4,000 schools and colleges were expected to participate in the National Day of Silence.

There are many different activities associated with the National Day of Silence now, but the primary action is silence. A perfect, still silence. Right now, there are thousands and thousands of kids—gay kids, transgendered kids, straight kids—moving through the halls of their schools, surrounded by the bustle of lockers being opened and closed, the boisterousness of their peers, the laughter and shoving and passing of notes, and they remain silent. They make eye contact with other participants, nodding, sharing solemn smiles, and they say nothing in support of one another. They are silent on this day so that the LGBT community may not have to be.

And this beautiful, moving silence will give each of them a stronger voice.

you better believe, bitches!

Or else God is gonna fuck your shit up. Or maybe just this guy will. Behold, the crazy public access preacher who comes in the name of Jesus, bitches.

(via Fark)

Requisite “Tom Cruise Suxxx” Post of the Day

What the fuck is with the bangs?

Eugh.

Shut Up

Michael Medved is such a douchebag.