When I left on hiatus a few weeks ago, I had every intention of coming back after an extended break. I thought there might be a possibility the break would need to extend longer than I had anticipated, but I expected it would end at some point. That I would feel better and be able to get back to the work I love.
But it's become clear during my time away that I have reached the end of this road, and I don't want to delay having to tell you the inevitable. After nearly 15 years, exactly one-third of my life, I am moving on from Shakesville.
The thing is, I am feeling somewhat better. I have days without cluster headaches now. The incidents of vertigo have diminished a bit. My hair has stopped falling out in clumps. My infamous garbage gut is noticeably less garbagey. I'm not constantly on the verge of a panic attack. These are all great things! I am so happy about them! But I am also painfully aware that these improvements have only happened because I stepped away from this work.
That's a message I can't ignore. And although I'm not one for signs, my laptop died yesterday as I sat down to open the blog dashboard for the first time in weeks. Welp.
I love this community. I love writing for you. I love the research and the silly photoshops and crafting nerdy political jokes. I love talking about our individual lived experiences and learning from you. I love helping people find and access resources, or figure out a tough problem, in private communications. I love seeing pictures of your faces, your kids, your pets. I love making you laugh, and I love how often you make me laugh.
I don't love the nature of the content about which I've been writing, especially these last couple of years. But even that would be tolerable, if it weren't for everything else that I am obliged to navigate as part of being a fat feminist woman writing in public. I don't need to recount it. You've seen enough to know that it is a steep cost, and it turns out that even I have limits. I have reached them.
The truth is that I reached them a long time ago, and I stayed far longer than I should have, and now I'm paying the price with both my psychological and physical health.
So I'm going to go take care of myself. I don't know what's next after that. I'm frankly pretty scared, because I've been doing this for a long time and it's a huge part of who I am. It is very difficult to let go.
I am endlessly grateful to all the people who have been kind and generous to me over the years. I have made so many amazing friends. I can't put into words how much the moderators and contributors mean to me. There aren't words big enough. They are extraordinary people, and I am lucky to know them.
I am abundantly thankful for Iain, who encouraged me to start this blog and is now encouraging me to take the time I need to get well. He has been my champion and has had my back. He has taken every risk with me. This community owes him a lot. I owe him a lot. I love him like whoa.
I feel like there is so much more to say, and that I could never say everything I want to.
This is so hard.
So I will just get to the practical stuff.
I disabled my Twitter account when I went on leave, and I'm not going to reactivate it. It's not a healthy place for me, and I feel much better for not looking at it.
I will be disabling my Patreon — which, yes, I just started, lolsob; I really wasn't planning on quitting! You will need to cancel your PayPal subscriptions. (I can't cancel them for you.) If anyone who made a donation since July 16 while I've been on break would like a refund, please email me and I will make sure to return your donation promptly.
Also email me if you just want to keep in touch!
Naturally, please feel welcome to organize in comments if someone wants to set up a new community space.
Shakesville will stand as an archive. And because I don't want this sad post to sit at the top of the page forever, I will, in a week or so, republish one of my favorite all-time posts, which will greet you anytime you stop by for a visit in future.
(I'll leave as a surprise which one it is.)
I don't know how to end this post. Y'all mean so much to me. I hope this place and I have meant something to you. I did my best.
The End of This Road
Taking a Break
As most of you know, it's been a rough couple of years for me personally, on top of the stuff we talk about here every day, and my health has not been great.
I have been dealing with — and trying to get to the bottom of — intermittent vertigo for several years now, and cluster headaches for the past year. I've been to countless doctors' appointments, ended up in the ER, haven't been able to drive for so long that we finally just sold my car, and have taken some pretty bad spills.
Many days, I am writing with excruciating pain from the cluster headaches, and I've not wanted to let any of it become debilitating, but it's reached the point where it just is, no matter what I want.
I was planning to take an extended break in August, because that tends to be the quietest news month of the year — not that there is any quiet time for news in the Trump Era. But I've hit a wall, so I'm going to have to move that date up.
Starting tonight, I'm going to take a long break with an eye toward returning September 3.
I am hoping that some extended time off will lead to improvements, or help with isolating the cause of one or both ailments, or I don't even know what, to be honest. I'm just hoping that something gives.
If things don't improve, I will let you know.
I apologize that I won't be around to cover the primary for awhile, including the Democratic debates later this month, or anything else that happens in the interim, for that matter, but I need to take care of myself.
While I'm away, I will schedule a weekly Open Thread each Monday, which the other mods have kindly offered to moderate, so you'll still have space to meet and talk.
See you as soon as I can.
The Self-Care Thread
Every time we fly somewhere on a commercial plane, the flight attendants give us a safety instruction that includes some variation on this note: "In case of emergency, oxygen masks will deploy from the ceiling compartment located above you. Please make sure to secure your own mask before assisting others."
We are living in a state of emergency on a broad scale, from electoral politics to climate change, and it can get overwhelming — especially when we've all got our own emergencies with which to contend.
It's easy to forget that we need to take care of ourselves, in whatever ways we can, because we need it for our own damn selves, and because we can't help anyone else if we're totally tapped out.
It's also not always easy to figure out ways to practice self-care, so here's a thread for discussion.
What are you doing to do to take care of yourself today, or in the near future, as soon as you can?
If you are someone who has a hard time engaging in self-care, or figuring out easy, fast, and/or inexpensive ways to treat yourself, and you would like to solicit suggestions, please feel welcome. And, as always, no one should offer advice unless it is solicited.
The Self-Care Thread
Every time we fly somewhere on a commercial plane, the flight attendants give us a safety instruction that includes some variation on this note: "In case of emergency, oxygen masks will deploy from the ceiling compartment located above you. Please make sure to secure your own mask before assisting others."
We are living in a state of emergency on a broad scale, from electoral politics to climate change, and it can get overwhelming — especially when we've all got our own emergencies with which to contend.
It's easy to forget that we need to take care of ourselves, in whatever ways we can, because we need it for our own damn selves, and because we can't help anyone else if we're totally tapped out.
It's also not always easy to figure out ways to practice self-care, so here's a thread for discussion.
What are you doing to do to take care of yourself today, or in the near future, as soon as you can?
If you are someone who has a hard time engaging in self-care, or figuring out easy, fast, and/or inexpensive ways to treat yourself, and you would like to solicit suggestions, please feel welcome. And, as always, no one should offer advice unless it is solicited.
The Self-Care Thread
[Note: This is the thread formerly known as "Discussion Thread: Self-Care." I've just retitled it and added an image, the background of which comes via Pixabay.]
Every time we fly somewhere on a commercial plane, the flight attendants give us a safety instruction that includes some variation on this note: "In case of emergency, oxygen masks will deploy from the ceiling compartment located above you. Please make sure to secure your own mask before assisting others."
We are living in a state of emergency on a broad scale, from electoral politics to climate change, and it can get overwhelming — especially when we've all got our own emergencies with which to contend.
It's easy to forget that we need to take care of ourselves, in whatever ways we can, because we need it for our own damn selves, and because we can't help anyone else if we're totally tapped out.
It's also not always easy to figure out ways to practice self-care, so here's a thread for discussion.
What are you doing to do to take care of yourself today, or in the near future, as soon as you can?
If you are someone who has a hard time engaging in self-care, or figuring out easy, fast, and/or inexpensive ways to treat yourself, and you would like to solicit suggestions, please feel welcome. And, as always, no one should offer advice unless it is solicited.
Discussion Thread: Self-Care
What are you doing to do to take care of yourself today, or in the near future, as soon as you can?
If you are someone who has a hard time engaging in self-care, or figuring out easy, fast, and/or inexpensive ways to treat yourself, and you would like to solicit suggestions, please feel welcome. And, as always, no one should offer advice unless it is solicited.
* * *
A few days ago, I booked myself an appointment for a facial soon. The last time I had a facial was about four years ago, so I decided I'm due for a little pampering.
In the meantime, I'm going to make a simple but tasty and nutritious dinner, and then I'm going to try to relax this evening.
Discussion Thread: Self-Care
What are you doing to do to take care of yourself today, or in the near future, as soon as you can?
If you are someone who has a hard time engaging in self-care, or figuring out easy, fast, and/or inexpensive ways to treat yourself, and you would like to solicit suggestions, please feel welcome. And, as always, no one should offer advice unless it is solicited.
* * *
A few days ago, I decided to treat myself (and, by extension, Iain — lucky bloke!) by ordering a pair of Stilton pork pies, which are one of my favorite things. They just arrived yesterday, and I'm really looking forward to making them for dinner. I haven't had one in years, so it'll be a nice treat.
And I'm hoping to get in a little more garden time this weekend, if the weather cooperates. Making time to be outdoors lately has been good for me.
Discussion Thread: Self-Care
What are you doing to do to take care of yourself today, or in the near future, as soon as you can?
If you are someone who has a hard time engaging in self-care, or figuring out easy, fast, and/or inexpensive ways to treat yourself, and you would like to solicit suggestions, please feel welcome. And, as always, no one should offer advice unless it is solicited.
* * *
Very shortly, I am going to take the time to prepare myself a nutritious and delicious lunch. And then I'm going to make time for some movement later today, whether it's a walk or a run about the yard with the dogs or a swim.
Discussion Thread: Self-Care
What are you doing to do to take care of yourself today, or in the near future, as soon as you can?
If you are someone who has a hard time engaging in self-care, or figuring out easy, fast, and/or inexpensive ways to treat yourself, and you would like to solicit suggestions, please feel welcome. And, as always, no one should offer advice unless it is solicited.
* * *
I have plans to meet a friend, whom I've known only online for many years, in person for dinner this weekend, and I am very excited about that. Both of us need some nourishing time with a friendly face!
Discussion Thread: Self-Care
What are you doing to do to take care of yourself today, or in the near future, as soon as you can?
If you are someone who has a hard time engaging in self-care, or figuring out easy, fast, and/or inexpensive ways to treat yourself, and you would like to solicit suggestions, please feel welcome. And, as always, no one should offer advice unless it is solicited.
* * *
I made reservations for a brunch with old friends soon. Having something good to look forward to is a big act of self-care for me.
Whether it's scheduling something to do in the future, or buying some little thing from an online shop (I can get very excited anticipating the arrival of a $7 pair of earrings, lol), or just talking to Iain about meal-planning or scheduling our swims for the next week — it doesn't have to be extraordinary. It can be something simple.
Just a bit of whatever to pop into my head every once in awhile and occupy my thoughts with something lovely the future will deliver.
Discussion Thread: Self-Care
What are you doing to do to take care of yourself today, or in the near future, as soon as you can?
If you are someone who has a hard time engaging in self-care, or figuring out easy, fast, and/or inexpensive ways to treat yourself, and you would like to solicit suggestions, please feel welcome. And, as always, no one should offer advice unless it is solicited.
* * *
I scheduled a doctor's appointment I've been putting off, for no good reason other than an aversion to seeing the doctor.
And I bought myself a new book, for which I am going to carve out time to read, as part of my commitment to getting back into reading for pleasure.
It's not easy: The reason I fell away from it was because my brain is so tired at the end of a day of researching, reading, and writing. And that hasn't changed. In fact, the more emotionally draining the subject matter, the more exhausted my mind is by day's end.
But reading was one of my great pleasures in life, and I miss it desperately. So I am going to take care of myself by figuring out some kind of balance that allows me to reconnect with the thing I so enjoy.
Maybe that means I cook a big batch of whatever at the weekend so I can use the time when I usually cook dinner to more actively and mindfully decompress. I don't know. But I'm determined to sort it out, and I'm very fortunate that Iain is extremely encouraging and willing to do whatever he can to support me.
Discussion Thread: Self-Care
What are you doing to do to take care of yourself today, or in the near future, as soon as you can?
If you are someone who has a hard time engaging in self-care, or figuring out easy, fast, and/or inexpensive ways to treat yourself, and you would like to solicit suggestions, please feel welcome. And, as always, no one should offer advice unless it is solicited.
* * *
I took my ass to therapy last night, which continues to be one of the most important acts of self-care that I do. I am going to cook a delicious and nutritious dinner tonight. And tomorrow night I am going to start on an organizational project in one of my closets that will be very satisfying once it's done!
Discussion Thread: Self-Care
What are you doing to do to take care of yourself today, or in the near future, as soon as you can?
If you are someone who has a hard time engaging in self-care, or figuring out easy, fast, and/or inexpensive ways to treat yourself, and you would like to solicit suggestions, please feel welcome. And, as always, no one should offer advice unless it is solicited.
* * *
I am going to take my ass to therapy later, which continues to be one of the most important acts of self-care that I do.
The Importance of Being Your Own Best Friend
In these divisive times, it's never been more important to have friends, and, especially for many intersectional feminists who live in conservative areas, never tougher to make them.
Which is why, among lots of other reasons, it's important to be your own best friend.
First of all, let us be clear that, as so perfectly articulated by Mindy Lahiri (Mindy Kaling) on The Mindy Project, "best friend" is not a person. It's a tier.
Secondly and relatedly, let me stipulate that I am not suggesting you be your own best friend to the exclusion of other best friends. This is about making sure that you part of the Best Friend Tier, one of as many best friends as you can have, for yourself.
Being your own best friend isn't easy, since nobody knows all of your flaws and all of your insecurities better than you do. No one, not even your closet, oldest friend, can do an impression of the collected voices who drag you down with urgent whispers better than you can.
But there are three things to remember, when being your own best friend gets hard:
1. Never to hold yourself to standards to which you'd never hold anyone else. This is an important practice in self-care of all sorts, including esteem-building. (For me, it was critical to my body acceptance journey, for instance.)
Letting go of outward judgment is Step One: In our profoundly sick culture of judgment, one of the most important — so simple, so difficult — bits of social justice teaspooning we can all do is simply refuse to judge other people's appearance and choices, which has ramifications both culturally and personally.
Judgment is, at its roots, projection — evaluating people's deviations from a standard we endorse. We are thus quick to see our own "flaws" in others. Judgment reinforces our own shortcomings, reflects our perceived failures back to us, makes it difficult to love ourselves when we see our own supposed defects everywhere we look.
Loving ourselves, "flaws" and all, is an integral part of dismantling the rigid tyranny of the Perfection Dictate, present in everything from the kyriarchal Beauty Standard to the expectation we meet an unattainable level of undiluted fabulousness suggested by carefully curated social media influencers. By embracing our Less Than Perfectness, we refute the obligation to conform to any standard that purports to be universally achievable and demand we be judged by a measure of our own making.
And we grant ourselves the right to be happy in who we are.
It's funny how much easier it is to grant that right to everyone else having once gifted it to yourself.
Letting go of the culturally-imposed compulsion to judge everyone is hugely freeing — a gift to ourselves that makes self-acceptance a helluva lot easier, and a gift to everyone else who steps into our gazes, to whom we can extend the same generosity and esteem.
The most important thing I have ever done for my own sense of value, the most profound kindness I have ever offered to myself, is to take a long look at the deeply unreasonable, inherently condemnatory, nakedly cruel, worth-subverting, kyriarchy-entrenching, target-moving, can't-fucking-win Perfection Dictate in its impossibly unachievable face and tell it to fuck off.
I am a much better friend to myself, now.
2. Remember that you're never alone. Sometime the hardest time to be a friend to ourselves is when we're feeling lonely. When that voice in our head starts spiraling, playing on a loop the scary, painful words I don't have anyone, it's crucial to remember, and to tell yourself: Yes, you do. You have YOU.
And you — wonderful, idiosyncratic, deeply empathic, funny, flawed, smart, wounded, strong, complicated person who is committed to leaving the world a little better than they found it — are pretty fucking great.
What luck that you have all the best parts of you to keep you company and see you through.
3. You can be the friend to yourself that you need. You know what you need better than anyone else does. You know what you need without even having to put it into words. Sometimes it takes awhile to figure it out, but no one will ever be able to figure it out better than you can.
We're not always capable, at least not right away, of giving ourselves what we need. Sometimes we need help. Sometimes we need lots of help. Sometimes being your own best friend is just about asking for help.
There are, of course, so many things that can stand in the way of being good to ourselves, of loving ourselves, of having the resources we need to take care of ourselves.
Like, sometimes our brains want to be our own worst enemies, vicious saboteurs and abusers, instead of our own best friends.
It's not always going to be possible, but it's a worthy effort to try.
It's worth it to try to be a voice of encouragement that is equal, in volume and authority, to the voice that tells you that you can't, or that you shouldn't, or that you aren't good enough.
After all, your best friend would never let anyone else get away with shit-talking you like that.
[Related Reading: The Best of Friends and Let's Be Radical.]
Discussion Thread: Self-Care
What are you doing to do to take care of yourself today, or in the near future, as soon as you can?
If you are someone who has a hard time engaging in self-care, or figuring out easy, fast, and/or inexpensive ways to treat yourself, and you would like to solicit suggestions, please feel welcome. And, as always, no one should offer advice unless it is solicited.
* * *
I am about to eat some Greek yogurt with pomegranate arils and walnuts and bran buds — which is not only a good way to take care of my self, but also has the added benefit of being delicious!
That is a very specific and immediate act of self-care, lol, but sometimes it's just about doing all the little things you can do, recognizing them as self-care, and reminding yourself to keep doing them, you know?
Discussion Thread: Self-Care
What are you doing to do to take care of yourself today, or in the near future, as soon as you can?
If you are someone who has a hard time engaging in self-care, or figuring out easy, fast, and/or inexpensive ways to treat yourself, and you would like to solicit suggestions, please feel welcome. And, as always, no one should offer advice unless it is solicited.
* * *
As I've mentioned before, organizing my living space is an easy, inexpensive, and crucial part of my self-care, especially when virtually everything else feels very chaotic and out of my control, and, over the weekend, Iain and I completed a bunch of little organizational projects, which felt great — and I intend to do more this week, as time allows.
It's also a good thing to keep me from getting stir crazy when I don't want to be outside running around with the dogs in the cold!
Discussion Thread: Self-Care
What are you doing to do to take care of yourself today, or in the near future, as soon as you can?
If you are someone who has a hard time engaging in self-care, or figuring out easy, fast, and/or inexpensive ways to treat yourself, and you would like to solicit suggestions, please feel welcome. And, as always, no one should offer advice unless it is solicited.
* * *
Well, I took my ass to therapy last night, which is always an important piece of self-care for me, and I'm going to try to swim a couple of times this week, provided my shoulder cooperates.
Discussion Thread: Self-Care
What are you doing to do to take care of yourself today, or in the near future, as soon as you can?
If you are someone who has a hard time engaging in self-care, or figuring out easy, fast, and/or inexpensive ways to treat yourself, and you would like to solicit suggestions, please feel welcome. And, as always, no one should offer advice unless it is solicited.
* * *
Iain and I are going to meet some friends for dinner this weekend, and, even though we're just going to meet at the usual casual joint we almost always do, I'm going to get slightly overdressed and blow out my hair and put on some makeup, just because I can and it will feel good to do it!
Discussion Thread: Self-Care
What are you doing to do to take care of yourself today, or in the near future, as soon as you can?
If you are someone who has a hard time engaging in self-care, or figuring out easy, fast, and/or inexpensive ways to treat yourself, and you would like to solicit suggestions, please feel welcome. And, as always, no one should offer advice unless it is solicited.
* * *
I am going to go to run around the backyard with the dogs and awe at Dudley's sprinting and melt at Zelda's grin and laugh at their silly antics, all of which brightens and lightens me. It is the easiest, most accessible, and cheapest self-care I do!
Discussion Thread: Self-Care
What are you doing to do to take care of yourself today, or in the near future, as soon as you can?
If you are someone who has a hard time engaging in self-care, or figuring out easy, fast, and/or inexpensive ways to treat yourself, and you would like to solicit suggestions, please feel welcome. And, as always, no one should offer advice unless it is solicited.
* * *
I made a weekend brunch reservation for Iain and me, and it's not even a particularly special place to us, but both of us keep mentioning how much we're looking forward to it, which is an indication of how much we need to do something nice for ourselves. I can't wait to put on some nicer than required clothes, just because, and go have a nice meal that I didn't cook with my favorite person.
