Showing posts with label butts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label butts. Show all posts

An Observation

I will never, ever, stop loving (ahem) arrogant dipshits who expect personal education on demand, then angrily scold me when I direct them to work I've previously done.

Because their expecting me to stop everything else I'm doing to provide them with personal education is reasonable, but my expecting them to read materials I've already written makes me a fucking bitch.

It's not even worth it to politely direct them to existing resources. I might as well just respond how I really want to demands for personal education: "FUCK OFF."

(This is why tone arguments that admonish Strident Feminists to be "nicer" are bullshit. Yeah, we've tried being nice. We know the end result is the same either way.)

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Time for Something Silly

[Content Note: Scatological humor.]

image of black text on a yellow background reading: 'Describe your last FART using only a MOVIE TITLE.'

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand go!

(Some friends and I did this last night, and some of us were laughing so hard we were crying. I was absolutely ending myself with laughter. I did about 9,000 myself, but here are what I feel were my Top Ten submissions: 1. Any Which Way But Loose; 2. The Dark Knight Rises; 3. Something Wicked This Way Comes; 4. Face/Off; 5. Rumblefish; 6. A Mighty Wind; 7. Here Comes the Boom; 8. Apocalypse Now; 9. The Abyss; and 10. Run Lola Run. Oh Maude, I'm laughing all over again already!)

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It's Flula Time Again

[Content Note: Scatological humor.]

Flula, a young white man speaking in German-accented English directly to the camera while lying in bed: I was speaking to my friend Eric tonight about horror films, you know, movies—movies that are scaresy. And he say: "Ah, Flula, have you—did you see Exorcist?" he say, "Exorcist?" I say, "No." Then he say: "Oh, Flula. Watch it. When you watch it, you will shit a brick."

[blinks; raises an eyebrow; makes a perplexed expression] What? I will shit a brick?! Why, Eric? This is— Number One, it's not possible. Have you seen the hole down in the [points down] the basement here? Have you seen this hole, what is the shapes of it? Es ist kein viereck; it is not a square. It is a [makes fist and looks at the fist-hole] just some circle? Like an oval? Bricks cannot come out! They're cylinders! Cylinders can come out.

I'm not like, what, The Thing from Fantastic Four, you know, The Thing. He's made from rocks. Perhaps he shit bricks. I do not do it.

Or what—I'm like a German robot? Robot—a German robot? Where everything is [draws squares in the air with his index finger] corners corners corners corners. To include down here? [looks down] So when it come out, it's [robot voice and robot hand] beep-um bop-um pfffffft BRICK pfffffft BRICK pfffffft BRICK. (House.)

[perplexed face] No. No, Eric, I do not shit bricks. I poop tubes. I poop tubes.
Case dismissed, Your Honor.

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Uh Oh

screen cap from the movie 'Office Space' in which a female coworker says the main characters have a case of the Mondays

Looks like someone's got a case of the Mondays!

(Spoiler Alert: It's me!)

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Discussion Thread: Wad vs. Fold

[Content Note: Scatological humor.]

As promised, here is the natural follow-up to the Great Sitters vs. Standers Debate thread, which is, of course, the Wad vs. Fold Debate.

Don't know what the Great Wad vs. Fold Debate is? Well, let me put it bluntly: It's a debate about whether you wad or fold the toilet paper to wipe your ass. (And/or whatever other parts may need wiping, depending on your individual plumbing.)

I am a folder. Iain was a wadder. Was. But after he witnessed my folding technique, he gave it a try and found it to be much more effective. So he gave up wadding forever and now considers himself a proud folder.

There are, naturally, variations on wad vs. fold. My paternal grandmother, for instance, was a wrapper—she wrapped the toilet paper around the four fingers of one hand, then slid off the wrapped bundle into an effective folded bundle.

And there are people in some parts of the world who use wiping implements other than toilet paper altogether, and anyone who does not use toilet paper on the regular, or didn't at some point in their lives, is welcome to share those techniques, too.

So: Do you wad or fold?

[As always, no judgment of other people's choices, please!]

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Discussion Thread: Sit or Stand?

[Content Note: Scatological humor.]

So, last night, Iain and Kenny Blogginz and I were hanging out, and we got into the Great Sitters vs. Standers debate. Don't know what the Great Sitters vs. Standers debate is? Well, let me put it bluntly: It's a debate about sitting or standing to wipe your butt after pooping.

I am a sitter. Iain is a stander. And we (affectionately!) mock each other about our respective choices all the time.

It was my impression that standing is rare. Iain contended that standing was more popular than I believed. So, of course I had to research it (seriously, so much uproarious laughter during this entire thing), and I discovered that Iain was right! This (amazing, hilarious) Metafilter thread reports:

In April of 2007, College Humor conducted an informal poll of their readership's (ahem) wiping habits. This month [Dec. 2009], Drew Magary re-examines the results of that "study" for Deadspin, and comes to the same shocking conclusions. (Note: These links contain bathroom-related discussions that those with more delicate sensibilities probably won't enjoy.)

When finished with their business the restroom, about 50% of the people you know wipe their heinies standing up, and about 50% of the people you know do it sitting down. Furthermore, many report being completely unaware that the other option exists. And so the debate continues.

I did note, however, that College Humor and Deadspin have disproportionately male audiences, so I wondered if that skewed the (informal) results. "I am going to have a discussion thread about this on Shakesville, so more women can weigh in!" I declared.

So here we are.

Are you a sitter or a stander?

[As always, no judgment of other people's choices, please!]

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2FA, #17

Liss: Whoops I just butt-dialed you. Deeks: Whoops my phone was in the other room with the ringer off anyway.  Liss: Thank Maude it wasn't a butthole emergency! Nor an emergency where I needed your help identifying a weepy-faced actor in maybe a vestment! Deeks: LOLOLOLOLOL!

From an actual text conversation yesterday.

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Important Announcement

I just saw a link at CNN reading: "What will be pope's legacy?" and I thought it said: "What will be poop's legacy?"

Please feel welcome to imagine in comments what poop's legacy will be.

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Top Insult

Is anyone else watching this season of Top Chef? Oof, it's so bad. In one episode, judge and show producer Chef Tom Colicchio yelled at all the contestants and told them there would be no winner, because all of their dishes were so terrible. Yikes.

Last night's episode was definitely the best of the season, because the only female winner of Top Chef (so far, as she was quick to observe), Stephanie Izard, returned as a guest judge, but also because returning d-bag cheftestant Stefan:

image of Chef Stefan making a typical grouchy face
This guy ^

—served up one of the greatest insults I have ever heard, sneeringly describing another cheftestant's soup as so awful "I wouldn't flush my poop with it."


That was almost—almost—worth having watched this garbage season.

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Actual Headline

At CNN: Do hormones drive women's votes?

Actual opening paragraphs:

While the campaigns eagerly pursue female voters, there's something that may raise the chances for both presidential candidates that's totally out of their control: women's ovulation cycles.

You read that right. New research suggest that hormones may influence female voting choices differently, depending on whether a woman is single or in a committed relationship.

Please continue reading with caution. Although the study will be published in the peer-reviewed journal Psychological Science, several political scientists who read the study have expressed skepticism about its conclusions.

Honest to Maude.

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It Is Time for a Flula Break!

Shoot the Sh#t? Absolute Not.

Flula, a young white German man, is onscreen, lying in bed and talking to the camera. It is 1:21am.

I cannot sleep. [yawns] I just receive email that say, "Flula! Let us have some coffee in the morning and we may shoot the shit." [his eyebrow twitches; he rolls his eyes and sighs] I think—list, you know, of things I like, I enjoy to do: Sleep, eat, make music. Shoot the shit? No. This sound horrible.

What happen when you shoot some shit? If it dry shit, now you have crumbs of shit everyplace. Like bottom of the bag of a Cheerios. Except shit! Smell horrible.

If it's some wet manure, from the cow or something—you shoot that? [makes disgusted face] Everyplace squirting. Like paint. Like paint of bucket. Just ffffwww. [makes gesture of exploding liquid] Who want to shoot the shit? Not me, no.

No thanks, Mike. I sleep. You shoot shit in your own house.

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Texting! With Liss and Deeky!

Liss: Can you die of a smell? Because Tils just took a shit that I'm pretty sure is capable of killing me.

Deeks: LOLOLOL!!!

Liss: Really stinky dogshit is bad, but it's just bad in the way really stinky people shit is bad. Really stinky catshit is otherworldly. It's like their buttholes momentarily turn into wormholes delivering fecal evil from the bowels of another dimension.

Deeks: How does that happen? They eat the same fucking thing every day!

Liss: Right? What the fuck?

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Quote of the Day

"Don't lie you'd b doing that anyway u filthy brute."—Rebekah Phelps-Davis, one of the Westboro Baptist clan, on Twitter, in response to Deeky's tweet that he would "spend the weekend taking it up the ass" in their honor.

They are truly a magical bunch.

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Everything Is Better with "Take On Me"

Video Description: A cartoon butt-plug dances in front of a fixed backdrop photo of a beach to the opening riffs of A-Ha's "Take on Me." For six seconds.

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An Observation

I've had at least five people defriend me on Facebook since I started using my new avatar:

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Ron Paul: Freedom Fucker

Ron Paul is for freedom! Ron Paul loves liberty! And other alliterative phrases about Ron Paul and his independence-championing ways!

Not so fast, people with wombs.

Female voiceover, over images of Ron Paul doing doctory things: Dr. Ron Paul. More than 4,000 babies delivered. A man of faith. Committed to protecting life.

Laura Mays, former patient, an older white woman: Some people need to have a good word said about them. Ron is the sort of person that his life is his good word.

Marcie Holt, former patient, an older white woman: You know, you just knew that Ron cared about you. Life begins at conception [image of white baby's feet] in my opinion and, as a result, I loved to go to a doctor who felt the same way.

Kara Gore, a younger white woman: He not only protects unborn life, but he also walks through journeys with women, and he has for years.

Holt: I love the fact that he hasn't changed in all these years. Ron's still the same guy, saying the same things, and now, all these years later, still standing his ground.

Mays: Ron did not let Washington change him.

Diane Wilson, former patient, a middle-aged white woman: It's not hard for someone who's a Christian and who truly believes to stay on the right path, and I think that's what kind of person Ron Paul is.

Gore: America has to have someone like Ron Paul today. There is no question.

Text Onscreen: Ron Paul 2012 | Restore America Now.
Yiiiiiiiiiiiikes. That is very heavy-handed! Ron Paul may be a doctor and a congressman, but he is clearly no professor of subtlety!

It would have been a lot faster and cheaper to write, "I am anti-choice. I am racist. Mitt Romney is a poophead." on a piece of paper and upload it to geocities.ronpaul2008.fart.

The pink fades between each interviewee were a nice touch, though. Where "nice" equals some value of "LOL FUCK OFF."

I pretty much already said everything I had to say earlier today on Twitter, on the subject of Ron Paul and his hilarious contention to be a champion of freedom despite being anti-choice. But, for those who don't follow my stupendously awesome Twitter feed (I talk about how Ron Paul stinks AND frequently about Deeky's butt, so), here is my series of tweets, in all their disjointed glory...

I will say again that Ron Paul cannot be considered a champion of "liberty" so long as he believes women's bodies should be state property.

"Freedom" and an anti-choice position are fundamentally incompatible.

I can't put it more plainly than this: I am not free, if the word is to have any meaning at all, as long as Ron Paul is up in my uterus.

A major issue w/ which progressives have yet to seriously reckon is how often candidates who are good for men are simply not good for women.

In case my point remains unclear: Ron Paul is terrible for women.

He's terrible for lots of other people too, but overlooking his anti-choice record while touting his record on "freedom" is esp. mendacious.

Have I mentioned Ron Paul's terrible record on reproductive choice? It's terrrrrrrrrrrrrible. Just FYI.

Ron Paul is a defender of freedom for men. Which I guess is cool if you're a dude.

(Yeah, I don't actually think it's cool for any dude, lol.)

In summation: Ron Paul stinks.

The end.

[H/T to @ShelbyKnox.]

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Et tu, Bing?

I've got a Kinect. This is awesome, because I can yell at my Xbox, and it does things. Voice commands for technology make everything wittier.

Microsoft updated Xbox Live. Now I can say "Xbox, Bing whatever" and the Xbox will search for content on Netflix, Zune, and whatnot.

Remembering recent events, I asked the Kinect to find me information on abortion. I shit you not, I am not making this up, the second result was a very special episode of Rugrats.

FYI, "Xbox, Bing cock ring" returns no hits. For now.

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Headline of the Day

UK Man Sets Fire to Apartment Trying to Turn Feces into Gold; Receives Jail Time.

The hat tip goes to Shaker RedSonja, who notes: "Really, this could happen to anyone." So true.

[I shouldn't have to note this, but will anyway: Making the obvious puns on this wizard's name is a violation of the commenting policy.]

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This weekend, I saw an advert for Marie Callender's Steamers, which are microwavable pasta meals.

image of Marie Callender's Steamers

Is there really no one in Marie Callender's marketing department who knows that "steamer" is a colloquialism for turd...?

Well. Maybe we should just assume it's truth in advertising.

In any case, I'll pass on the steamers.

Pun definitely intended.

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