Look, I'm Not Saying I'm Hot Shit, But My Favorite Fishmonger Thinks I Am

I know there are a lot more important things going on in the world (see: the entire rest of today's posts), but sometimes you just have to take a break to remember that Gwyneth Paltrow is still out there saying things that make you emit enough rage-laughter to fill entire galaxies.

To wit:

For Paltrow, the criticism over the phrase ["conscious uncoupling," which she and her ex-husband Chris Martin used to describe their divorce] was just another example of the blowback she feels she has received since rebranding herself as a lifestyle guru with her website Goop.

"It's got a few layers to it," she says of the backlash. "People were fine with me as an actress, but with Goop it was like, 'Stay in your lane.' Women in general get a lot of pushback, especially if you're successful and attractive … I'm not saying I'm attractive. I mean when you're considered attractive."

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

I love Paltrow's particular brand of privileged ignorance so much. Enough self-awareness to note that she shouldn't brag about being attractive, but zero awareness of the fact that her contention attractive women "especially" get pushback is stinking horseshit.

Naturally, I'm not unaware of the fact that conventionally attractive and/or thin women are obliged to weather not being taken seriously and their own versions of body policing. But every conventionally attractive and/or thin female friend who's ever had a candid conversation with me about our respective lived experiences has been astonished by how very different my life looks as a fat and "ugly" woman.

[Content Note: Sexual harassment] Not long ago, I read a piece by a woman who said she figures she must be reasonably attractive since she is frequently the subject of street harassment and unwanted come-ons. That old chestnut.

In addition to entrenching the gross narrative that sexualized harassment is a compliment, it also reflected a common perception among conventionally attractive and/or thin women: That no fat/ugly women get sexually harassed by people who imagine they are "flattering" us.

MRAs who shout at me about how unfuckable I am will never believe it, but the fact is that I've never lacked for sexual attention—and just like any other woman who enough men find desirable, some amount of that attention is delivered in the form of unwanted sexual harassment.

I get it from both sides: The classic "wanna fuck ya" catcalling, and the specially packaged "you're unfuckable so get out of my sight" shaming.

That's not an unusual experience for women who are not conventionally attractive. We get the same shit as women who are, plus the flipside.

That's just one example. It's something I've experienced a lot—more privileged women assuming that what they experience and what less privileged women experience are two sides of the same coin. And it's rarely true. To the contrary, it tends to be that less privileged women get the same bullshit, and the extra bullshit conceived just for us.

Anyway. Leave it to Paltrow to express the perfect encapsulation of this fucked-up dynamic. Of course no one suffers as greatly as she.

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In the News

Here is some stuff in the news today...

[Content Note: Carcerality] This piece by Josie Helen on who's responsible for mass incarceration is so, so good: "Here's the reality: if you want to fix mass incarceration, stop talking about Hillary and start talking about your local district attorney. If you want to fix mass incarceration but you don't know the name of your local district attorney—or you don't know when the primary is, or who is opposing them—you are making the biggest mistake you can make as a voter and as a responsible citizen. You cannot improve this problem if you don't know who is prosecuting cases in your county. ...[G]enerally, criminal justice reform lives or dies at your local prosecutor's office. These decisions are made there. That's where prosecutors make the choice to send someone to rehab or jail, where the rules are followed, where the plea deals are made. ...Prosecutors also have a remarkable amount of discretion, meaning that they often get to choose which crimes to charge people with and what sentences to recommend. That power is especially pronounced at the plea bargain stage, where prosecutors are constrained by little more than their whimsy." I urge you to read the entire thing.

[CN: War on agency; misogyny; Christian Supremacy] FUCKING HELL: A pregnant woman who was taken by ambulance to Mercy Health Partners hospital in Muskegon, Michigan, was miscarrying—and a specialist apprised of her situation said the fetus would definitely die, and the woman might, too, if labor was not immediately induced. But hospital staff "would not induce labor for another 10 hours. Instead, they followed a set of directives written by the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops that forbid terminating a pregnancy unless the mother is in grave condition. Doctors decided they would delay until the woman showed signs of sepsis—a life-threatening response to an advanced infection—or the fetal heart stopped on its own. In the end, it was sepsis. When the woman delivered, at 1.41am, doctors had been watching her temperature climb for more than eight hours. Her infant lived for 65 minutes. This story is just one example of how a single Catholic hospital risked the health of five different women in a span of 17 months, according to a new report leaked to the Guardian." Goddammit. This makes me want to smash things.

[CN: Police brutality; racism; death] An enragingly familiar tale of a person of color killed by police and questions about the police version of events: "Just before midnight on January 28, a Tacoma police officer fatally shot Puyallup tribal member Jacqueline Salyers, 33." And although police assert that Salyers "sped toward the officers" in her vehicle, "Associated Press photographs of the car show that it was struck with multiple shots. Bullets struck the driver's side door, shattered the passenger's and driver's side windows, and punched holes in the passenger's side of the windshield. ...Tacoma Police Department spokeswoman Loretta Cool told ICTMN that additional information cannot be released until the department's investigation of the incident is complete." There is much more at the link.

[CN: Flint water crisis] Well, this certainly doesn't seem good enough: "The Michigan House approved $30 million on Thursday to help pay Flint residents' water bills in the aftermath of the city's lead-contamination crisis. The lawmakers unanimously OK'd the measure, which now goes to the Senate, which is expected to approve it and send it to Gov. Rick Snyder for final approval. Residents would have about 65 percent of the drinkable water portion of their bills paid by the state. Residential customers would still have to pay for water used to flush toilets or do laundry."

[CN: Stalking] Y'all know I am not a fan of Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle brand, but I have all the sympathy and anger for her that her stalker of 17 years (!!!) has been acquitted by an Ohio jury, who apparently believed the unmitigated horseshit that he "was a Christian who was writing to Paltrow in an attempt to minister to her," was seeking forgiveness for previous harassment, and was just "lonely [and] wanted to have a penpal." Fuck. That. I hope she is safe, although she understandably doesn't feel like she is, which itself can be terribly traumatic.

[CN: Video may autoplay at link] RIP Big Ang: "Mob Wives star Angela 'Big Ang' Raiola died early Thursday after a difficult battle with throat, lung, and brain cancer. She was 55." Like her or hate her, she was a true character.

"Trump Goes to War with the Pope." Sounds about right.

WANT! "Our favorite sassy squad, the women of The Golden Girls, are officially being turned into Funko Pop! Vinyl figures. The toy company had previously confirmed that the fabulous foursome would be getting the Funko treatment, and now we're getting a look at just how perfect they are." So perfect.

And finally! Pig + sheep + dog = Mangalitsa Pig!

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Easy for You to Say!

As you may recall, Gwyneth Paltrow's last cookbook was called It's All Good, and Deeky bought it for me for my birthday, because he is a monster.

Her next cookbook is about to arrive on the reclaimed wood shelves of an artisan bookseller near you, and its title is, naturally, It's All Easy.

"Delicious weekday recipes for the super-busy home cook." But only weekdays, because any DECENT HUMAN BEING goes out for dinner or attends dinner parties at the homes of celebrity chefs on the weekends.

Granting that I'm obviously just jealous, I'll note yet fucking again the gross privilege central to Paltrow's lifestyle brand. Cooking isn't "all easy" for people who can't afford food, and it's not "all easy" for people with disabilities whose particular disabilities limit their capacity to cook, and it's not "all easy" for people who would, by Paltrow's standards, be extra super-duper busy by virtue of having to work multiple jobs to survive. Among others.

And, yeah, I get that a lot of cookbooks and recipes are advertised on the premise of being easy, with the understanding they're easy for the people who can and will be cooking them. But "It's All Easy" is more than that. It's all part of this aspirational lifestyle brand built around casually having it all and doing it all with the best of everything—if you're a wealthy, thin, straight, white cis woman.

Doesn't hurt if you're a second-generation celebrity, either.

[H/T to Kaiser.]

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What to Get the Fishmonger Who Has Everything

Please take a moment to review the "Ridiculous (and Awesome)" section of GOOP's 2015 Holiday Gift Guide and let me know what you'd like for Christmas. Even if you don't celebrate Christmas. Especially if you don't celebrate Christmas. All the coolest fishmongers are celebrating Christmas these days!

If anyone is wondering what to get me this year, I would like the $90,000 World View Exploration at the Edge of Space. Please and thank you.

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Goop Reads

[Content Note: Fat hatred.]

Shaker Beth_in_Mpls emails, which I am sharing with permission: "Hi Liss. I'm sure you'll be as thrilled as I was to learn that Gwyneth Paltrow now has her own publishing imprint. I can't wait to buy Finding Your Favorite Fishmonger: Advice on Living the Goop Life, soon to be a best seller and eventually a Hollywood blockbuster starring Gwyneth Paltrow and some white guy."

LOLOLOL! Thrilled doesn't even begin to cover it!

The first Goop title, a cookbook by Paltrow called It's All Easy: Delicious Weekday Recipes for the Super-Busy Home Cook, will be published in April. A Goop-branded book on beauty will follow in fall 2016. Beyond that, GCP said additional titles will be announced in the near future.

Paltrow said that the imprint will allow her and her team at Goop to reach a wider audience. "With so much incredible content now being produced at goop.com on a daily basis, we're excited to memorialize it for audiences across the world."

Fuck yeah!

Personally, I'm really looking forward to this one:


I mean, that's just excellent judgment, right there. TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIVE AND BE A PERFECT PERSON, GWYNETH PALTROW!

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You Peasants Don't Even Know How to Yawn!

I was so busy last week galavanting around exotic locales and consciously uncoupling from my (formerly!) favorite fishmonger because he refuses to deliver to my yacht that I almost missed an exciting dispatch from our favorite aspirational lifestyle guru Gwyneth Paltrow! But thanks to Kaiser, I was alerted to some sage advice from The Great Gwynsby's latest GOOP newsletter.

Actual Title: "Why Yawning Is Important—And How to Optimize the Reflex." I bet you garbage-brained peasants didn't even know you should be optimizing your yawning reflex, did you?!

Actual Opening Paragraph:

The other night at a dinner with Michael Lear, a wonderful yogi and important quarterback for mindfulness and meditation in this country, he caught, out of the corner of his very alert eye, the suppression of a yawn. (It was late.) "Please yawn," he explained. "Really give into it, as it's the body's primary way to release and stretch the jaw and neck muscles after a long day of work and conversation." And then, since yawning is contagious, there was a good 30-60 second stretch of yawning back and forth. "There's a perception that it's rude or that it means that you're bored, but the reality is that it's a very important mechanism for releasing stress. It feels good for a reason: Trust that your body knows how to calibrate itself."

My life is such a wreck. I don't have dinner with yogi quarterbacks with eyes so alert that they can actually detect suppressed yawns like some kind of superhumans! Honestly, y'all, I didn't even realize that mindfulness was a sport that had quarterbacks. I am NOT living the dream.

Anyway! The important thing is that now I, and—by my gracious willingness to share all the best life tips I learn from rich thin white ladies—now you will, know how to yawn correctly.

YAWN #1

1. Gently tilt your head back to a comfortable position and allow your mouth to hang open widely while you gently extend into it.

2. Contract the back of the throat as if to perform Ujjayi breathing—a whispery breath—which is typically done through your nose with your mouth closed. Breathe deeply through your mouth so you feel the air hit the back of your throat.

3. Inhale and exhale completely while allowing your shoulders to relax as you exhale.

4. When the yawn comes, reach and extend into it, riding the yawn to stretch the jaw muscles.

5. Repeat 8-10 times until tearing starts. As your jaw muscles stretch and relax, and the yawn expands, the lacrimal glands around the eye are squeezed and tearing is induced.

YAWN #2

1. Continue with steps 1-4 above, and when the yawn comes, bring together only the lips. Keep the teeth slightly separated. Creating this shape with your mouth as you yawn will take out more slack in the throat muscles to bring the lengthening and relaxation around the base of the tongue, and further stretch and relax the neck, jaw, and occipital regions.

2. Repeat 8-10 times until you begin to tear.

Listen, I don't mean to brag, but I was definitely already doing all of these steps, except for the Ujjayi breathing. And I definitely know what Ujjayi breathing is. Don't you? It's like the cashmere of breathing, for fuck's sake.

Actual Final Line: "Note: Tearing is not necessary for this exercise to be beneficial." But if your eyes don't tear while you practice OPTIMIZED YAWNING, it's probably because you're low on natural fish oils. Better call your favorite fishmonger STAT.

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You're Just Jealous!

[Content Note: Privilege.]

Over the years, I have had plenty of occasion, numerous occasions, omg just so many occasions, honestly just never fucking endless occasions, truly occasion after occasion, to write about Gwyneth Paltrow and her Privilege Empire.

It was four years ago that I first wrote about The Great Gwynsby's favorite fishmonger, and that shit has had such staying power that it is still regularly quoted around here as the perfect shorthand for entitled privilege.

"Let them eat fish from my favorite fishmonger!"

If Gwyneth Paltrow were just some ordinary person, even some famous ordinary person, her clueless fuckthoughts would hardly warrant my attention, no less my comment. But she is, in addition to being a well-known actress, a successful and influential entrepreneur who markets as a "lifestyle brand" what is better described as the upholding and flaunting of white, straight, cisgender, able-bodied, thin, wealthy, Western privilege.

But it turns out I don't actually have legitimate criticisms. I'm just a jealous hater who is "overwhelmed" by the sheer power of her unrelenting awesomeness. According to her mom:

Defending her Oscar-winning daughter, Blythe Danner, 72, tells PEOPLE in the magazine's new issue, "I just think maybe people are overwhelmed. They can't understand how people could be so good at so many things."

"Not only is Gwyneth one of the most brilliant actresses in the world – and I really am hoping she will do more of it when the kids get older – but she is a successful businesswoman and she is a good cook," Danner continues. "I think all of that overwhelms some people."

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. You've got me, Danner. My worthless little peasant brain is overwhelmed by someone who is professionally successful and also good at cooking, because in my worthless little peasant life I've never met any other women who are super talented and high achievers and also excel at a hobby.

Good fucking grief.

So, what we have here is a situation in which people have been critical of Gwyneth Paltrow's sanctimonious lifestyle trash because it upholds privilege as a value and further deigns to call that "wellness," and Paltrow deliberately misconstruing those criticisms as "people are accusing me of thinking I'm better than them," and her mother saying, "Fuck all y'all! She is better than you!"

Case closed, your honor!

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In the News

Here is some stuff in the news today...

[Content Note: Homophobia] Next week, the US Supreme Court will hear oral arguments on same-sex marriage, and Zack Ford has "Ten Novel, Absurd, and Irrelevant Arguments Made in Supreme Court Briefs Against Marriage Equality." Honest to fuck, anti-equality advocates are really scraping the bottom of the barrel for the most absurd remnants of their fetid bigotry at this point.

[CN: Racism] The Greater Fredericksburg (Virginia) Tourism Partnership, VisitFred.com, has launched a campaign that invites people to "Civil War-ize" themselves by sticking their face on the body of a Civil War General. Virginia is for lovers—and, apparently, for racist Civil War fetishists. (If you'd like to politely let "Fred" know your thoughts about this campaign, their contact page is here.)

[CN: Fat hatred; body shaming; images may be NSFW] Amanda Kate Richards's response to Lane Bryant's #ImNoAngel campaign is terrific. "[T]he campaign features little body diversity. It features plus-size models with similar proportional bodies with small stomachs. She argues that even though Lane Bryant is a plus-size retailer, they never feature a true range of plus-size women in their ads. Plus-size women come in all different shapes and sizes so their campaign should reflect that." FACT. A lack of fat body diversity is a problem with many plus-size retailers and "plus-size beauty" campaigns.

[CN: Racism; police brutality; child neglect] The thing I like about this idea for child support reform is that it better recognizes children as citizens of the State, who are owed having their basic needs met even if their parent(s) can't (or won't) meet them. I also think that directing child support from the State would probably facilitate better co-parenting in a lot of cases, which would also be a net positive for kids.

[CN: Discussion of transmisogynoir; image may be NSFW] Laverne Cox talks about why she posed for Allure's annual nude issue: "Black women are not often told that we're beautiful unless we align with certain standards. Trans women certainly are not told we're beautiful. Seeing a black transgender woman embracing and loving everything about herself might be inspiring to some other folks. There's beauty in the things we think are imperfect. That sounds very cliché, but it's true." Love her.

[CN: Food insecurity; privilege] Gwyneth Paltrow doing the food stamp challenge was "the most Gwyneth Paltrow thing ever," until she wrote about it for GOOP, and now that is the most Gwyneth Paltrow thing ever.

Neat! "After spending more than a month in orbit on the dark side of dwarf planet Ceres, NASA's Dawn spacecraft has captured several views of the sunlit north pole of this intriguing world. These images were taken on April 10 from a distance of 21,000 miles (33,000 kilometers), and they represent the highest-resolution views of Ceres to date."

Fuck yeah! "Better Call Saul proved to have remarkable stamina over the course of its freshman run, solidifying its status as cable's No. 1 new series of the year." See you next year, Saul!

And finally! More evidence that dogs feel something very close to what we call love: "Japanese researchers found that dogs who trained a long gaze on their owners had elevated levels of oxytocin, a hormone produced in the brain that is associated with nurturing and attachment, similar to the feel-good feedback that bolsters bonding between parent and child. After receiving those long gazes, the owners' levels of oxytocin increased, too." And this paragraph, about dogs fixedly looking at us, just made me cry: "'If I was dropped on Mars,' Dr. MacLean said, 'and everyone was speaking a language I didn't understand, and I knew I could never acquire their language, I'd just give up. But dogs don't. They're not reluctant to tune in to us at every moment.'" Dogs never give up. Blub.

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In the News

Here is some stuff in the news today...

This is big news: "President Barack Obama will remove Cuba from the list of state sponsors of terrorism, the White House announced Tuesday, a key step in his bid to normalize relations between the two countries. ...Cuba will officially be removed from the terror list 45 days after the president's message was sent to Congress. Lawmakers could vote to block the move during that window, though Obama would be all-but-certain to veto such a measure."

(Because there are already stories about whether President Barack Obama is doing enough to help Hillary Clinton, or whoever the eventual presidential nominee is, I want to point out—and I will continue to point this out, whenever I see it—that this is not only the decent thing to do, but also a crucial assist to the next Democratic nominee, who will certainly benefit from voters who are pleased by this decision.)

Speaking of Hillary Clinton: At an appearance in Iowa, Clinton said "she's anxious to hear from Americans about what's important for them and what policies they see working in their own communities, but also that she decided to start with a baseline of 'four big fights' she wants to wage: To 'build the economy of tomorrow not yesterday'; to 'strengthen families and communities'; to 'fix our dysfunctional political system and get unaccountable money out of it once and for all—even if that means a constitutional amendment'; and to protect the country 'from the threats that we see and the ones that are on the horizon.'"

And speaking of listening to people about what's important to them, this piece by Imani Gandy on the absolute necessity that Clinton listen to Black women is amazing: "Women of color, and Black women in particular (because we have the strongest turnout among women of color), could hand Clinton the White House on a silver platter. But not if she doesn't work for it. And that means addressing issues that uniquely face us. How does Hillary Clinton plan to work to restore voting rights? To end the scourge of police brutality against Black people? To reduce the wage gap between white women on the one hand, and Black and Latina women on the other? To overcome barriers that women of color face in health-care access? To reform draconian immigration policies that rip families apart? To ensure that women have the right to safe abortion care irrespective of their ability to pay for it? If she were to focus specifically on our issues, she could further increase our participation at the polls and inspire us to vote in greater numbers—not just in the upcoming presidential election, but in midterm elections and statewide elections too, thus solidifying Democratic victories at the state and federal level." Seriously, read the whole thing; it's terrific.

In gross news: "Gravestone of Hillary Clinton's Father Toppled in Possible Act of Vandalism." Fucking hell.

[Content Note: Homophobia; Christian Supremacy] My garbage governor, y'all: "Gov. Mike Pence said Tuesday that the controversy over the state's 'religious freedom' law has passed. 'I think the difficult time that Indiana just passed through two weeks ago is behind us,' Pence told reporters. His comments came just one day after his administration hired a global public relations company to help repair the state's damaged reputation. The state plans to pay the firm, Porter Novelli, at least $2 million." Again: This is a state in which 1 out of every 6 people relies on food assistance to survive. And they're spending $2 million on PR to convince people that bigotry ain't bigotry. Terrific.

And on the whole "Indiana voters need to get their shit together" meme: Yesterday, the Indiana House voted to pass SB1 to remove Glenda Ritz, 55-41. So, again: This is what happens when we do vote in Democrats.

This is a supercool math/logic problem. It's so tricky and so fun! Were you able to solve it?

Boooooooo: "After surveying tens of thousands of galaxies surrounding our own Milky Way galaxy, the scientists turned up no sign of advanced alien civilizations." Well, if we did, we'd probably just blow them up anyway. Sadface.

LOL FOREVER: "Gwyneth Paltrow's food stamp challenge is the most Gwyneth Paltrow thing ever." It really is.

And finally! "Incredible Nurse Cat from Poland Looks After Other Animals at Animal Shelter." ♥

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In the News

Here is some stuff in the news today...

[Content Note: Terrorism; death] "Nineteen people, including 17 foreign tourists, have been killed after gunmen targeted a museum in the Tunisian capital, the Prime Minister says. ...The attack happened at the Bardo Museum, which is next to the parliament building in central Tunis. ...Earlier, interior ministry spokesman Mohamed Ali Aroui told journalists that the attack involved 'two or more terrorists armed with Kalashnikovs.' A museum employee told Reuters the two attackers 'opened fire on the tourists as they were getting off the buses before fleeing into the museum.' French Prime Minister Manuel Valls said he condemned the 'terrorist attack in the strongest terms... We are very alert about how the situation is evolving,' he added." Fucking hell.

[CN: Hazing] Here we go again: "The University of Houston president suspended the Sigma Chi fraternity at the school following allegations of hazing that jeopardized students' health and safety. University President Renu Khator said in a statement Tuesday that she's 'shocked, dismayed, and deeply disappointed' by the allegations. The statement provides no details of what is alleged to have happened, but Khator says the university has suspended five students. She says if the allegations prove to be true, the five 'will be subject to immediate disciplinary action, up to and including expulsion.' Khator describes hazing as 'a criminal act' and a violation of university policy, for which consent is not a defense." I really hope the students who were hazed are okay, and getting whatever help and support they need.

[CN: Homophobia; Christian Supremacy] In news from the Conservative Legislation Lab: "An Indiana House committee today approved controversial religious freedom legislation that could protect business owners who don't want to provide services for same-sex weddings. Despite better organized opposition to the measure, the House Judiciary Committee voted 9-4 to send the measure to the full House for consideration." Previously: My thoughts on this garbage.

[CN: War] Whoooooooooooooops: "The Pentagon is unable to account for more than $500 million in U.S. military aid given to Yemen, amid fears that the weaponry, aircraft and equipment is at risk of being seized by Iranian-backed rebels or al-Qaeda, according to U.S. officials." Terrific.

[CN: Misogynist terrorism] Actress Ashley Judd is taking on misogynist harassers: "Judd has said she will inform police about Twitter users who sexually harass her, and press charges against them. [She] told the US show Today: 'The amount of gender violence I experience is absolutely extraordinary, and a significant part of my day today will be spent filing police reports at home about gender violence that's directed at me on social media.' 'That many people?' asked the Today interviewer Craig Melvin. 'That many people, that explicit, that overt,' replied Judd." Good luck to her. Maybe since she's a famous straight white cis woman, police will actually give a fuck.

Solar Storm! "A geomagnetic storm is currently lashing the Earth's atmosphere, creating the potential for brilliant auroras over the top and bottom of the planet, including large sections of Northern Europe, and even dipping as far south into the United States as Tennessee, New Mexico, and Oklahoma. The cause of the increase in auroral activity is a pair of coronal mass ejections from the sun that started heading our way on Sunday and arrived early Monday evening, resulting in what the Space Weather Prediction Center (SWPC) in Boulder, Colorado described as a level G4 geomagnetic storm, the most intense seen in the current solar cycle. A G4 storm is considered severe and has the potential to disrupt some communications infrastructure and parts of the power grid, but is generally not considered dangerous to people on the surface of the Earth." You're safe for NOW, Earthlings!

Something something Donald Trump. No more Apprentice. Exploratory committee. Farrrrrrt.

Gwyneth Paltrow is "incredibly close to the common woman." LOLOLOL. Good grief.

And finally! OMG LOL this baby bulldog crawling into hir tote. RIDICULOUS!!! ♥

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In the News

Here is some stuff in the news today...

Let's begin with what is, of course, the most important news item of the day:

The more you know. Insert your favorite fishmonger jokes here.

* * *

Yesterday, Newsweek debuted a cover image for a story on sexism in tech that has been criticized by a lot of women (and men). I'm not going to link to it or repost the image, because fuck them for choosing a cover likely to piss off feminist-minded people to get those people talking about their shitty rag, instead of writing content worth talking about.

* * *

[Content Note: Explosion; death; video may autoplay at link] A natural gas explosion at a maternity hospital on the outskirts of Mexico City killed at least seven people and injured dozens more. Rescue teams are rushing to try to find and extract survivors who are trapped before the building collapses. So, so awful.

[CN: Racism; misogyny; police brutality; image of injury at link] A 21-year-old black woman named London Colvin was detained by police after a fight broke out at a party she was attending. She knew nothing about and was not involved in the fight, but was "being loud," so police detained her, for disorderly conduct. Norfolk Police spokesman Daniel Hudson "claims that Colvin became combative while being placed in custody. 'There was an officer that was attempting to place the woman in custody for disorderly conduct. When [the officer] tried to place her in custody, she became combative against the officer. Another officer attempted to restrain her, but again, there were multiple people around, so the canine officer deployed the dog to restrain the woman so nobody would get hurt,' stated Hudson." Deployed the dog. While being held down by police, the police dog attacked Colvin and left her with horrendous injuries on her leg. So much for nobody getting hurt. What the absolute fuck.

[CN: Transmisogynoir; violence; death] Three black trans women have been murdered already this year in the US. Where is the mainstream media coverage of these hate crimes? Where are the mainstream LGBT orgs?

[CN: Transmisogyny] Shut the fuck up, Germaine Greer.

[CN: Extreme weather] How's everyone doing in Boston after the storm? And before the next storm hits? Are you doing okay?

[CN: Airline disaster] "Malaysia's government formally declared still-missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 an accident on Thursday and said all those on board were presumed dead, paving the way for compensation claims but angering victims' families still waiting for evidence of the plane's fate. ...The declaration will help facilitate financial claims by families, and Malaysia Airlines is ready to proceed with the compensation process, [civil aviation chief Azharuddin Abdul Rahman] said."

I don't even know what is going on with Jupiter Ascending. I love the Wachowskis, but even I have to admit this looks like a pile of crap.

And finally! Why wet dogs smell like wet dogs. With cute doggeh pictures, natch!

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It's the Simple Things

Every year around the holidays, I get some emails from people asking if they can send me a little gift. Most of them have something in mind, often something they've made (yay!), but occasionally someone will ask me if I want or need anything. And I usually respond, extremely gratefully, by recommending a charity to which a donation can be made.

But this year, I am letting you all know now that if you want to get me something, please buy me the $4,739 gold-plated Easy Health Angel Juicer which Gwyneth Paltrow has included on her annual Goop Gift Guide.

"Absurd, but awesome."
And don't worry if several of you end up buying one for me haha! I know normally that would be a real OOPSIE, but multiples just means I won't have to lug my $4,739 gold-plated Easy Health Angel Juicer between Shakes Manor, our house in the Hamptons, and our gold-plated mansion on the moon.

You're all the best! Can't wait for my juicer(s)! *wink*

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This Is 40 (Take That, Judd Apatow!)

[Content Note: Illustration of a beetle.]

I've had some requests to share pictures of my birthday celebration, and that is not something I'm really inclined to do, because some things are just too precious to me to share. But I will say this: I had a brilliant weekend, with so many amazing people, and I honestly couldn't have asked for a better welcome into a new decade. I am, to quote Ben Folds, the luckiest.

And I will happily (and with Deeky's permission) share some pics of Deeks and me fucking around over the weekend!

Deeks arrived on Thursday morning, and, after we ate the fuck out of some tacos and two metric tons of guacamole, it was off to the tattoo parlor where Lui gave Deeks his first ever tattoo!

Piece of cake!
His piece—a satyr playing a pan flute, based on an existing drawing but customized and perfected by Lui—took about an hour and a half.


In solidarity, I decided to get a small piece on my foot by Jake, Lui's former apprentice and current business partner as well as Kenny Blogginz's best friend:

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In the News

Here is some stuff in the news today...

Earlier this week, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin announced they're separating, and lots of people have thoughts about that, and a bunch of folks have asked me what my thoughts are about that. My response to the end of any marriage that 1. isn't mine; 2. was not abusive, as far as I know, is always the same.

[Note: Video may begin to play automatically at link] In a major decision by the National Labor Relations Board, Northwestern University football players on scholarship have been ruled "employees of the school and therefore entitled to hold an election to decide whether to unionize." Nice! This could have far-reaching ramifications for college athletics, including (and most importantly, in my opinion) drastically reducing universities' ability to exploit athletes.

Democratic Charlotte Mayor Patrick Cannon has been arrested by the FBI and "and accused of accepting tens of thousands of dollars in bribes. ...Cannon was charged with theft and bribery, accused of taking cash payoffs at least five times. He was brought before U.S. Magistrate Judge David Keesler, required to surrender his passport and released on $25,000 unsecured bond pending an indictment that could come as early as next week." A lot of disappointed Cannon supporters in Charlotte today.

Republican Louisiana Senate candidate Bill Cassidy "told an annual meeting of the Louisiana Oil and Gas Association that uninsured Americans are 'less sophisticated' and 'less educated' people who might find the Affordable Care Act too complicated and cumbersome to take advantage of." It continues to be a real mystery why Republicans are losing ground with nearly every demographic that isn't old straight white men!

Astronomers have discovered "a probable dwarf planet that orbits the Sun far beyond Pluto, in the most distant trajectory known. ...The newfound object's official name is 2012 VP113, but the discovery team calls it VP for short, or just 'Biden'." LOL perfect.

Like, for real, no one on the planet is more tired of hearing about Frozen than I am, and this story warmed even the cockles of my cold, dark, miserable heart: "Firefighters Sing 'Let It Go' to Comfort Little Girl Stuck in Elevator."

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In the News

Here is some stuff in the news today...

[Content Note: Death via state execution] Ray Jasper, whose letter from Texas' death row was published earlier this month, has been executed. Capital punishment just does not feel like justice to me.

[CN: Airline disaster] Australia found two objects on a satellite image that may (or may not) be debris from missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. But reconnaissance aircraft "were unable to verify the discovery...amid visibility limited by cloud and rain before the search ended for the day."

CNN has been obsessively covering the missing flight, and the coverage has included some truly absurd speculation. The latest: Don Lemon asks if it's preposterous to consider Flight 370 was enveloped by a black hole. Seriously. The most trusted name in news, folks.

[CN: Guns; terrorism; Islamophobia] Shots were fired into the Islamic Center of Hattiesburg (Mississippi) Tuesday. Fortunately, there was no one in the building at the time, and the damage was minimal. Police will "will pursue the incident as a malicious mischief case." Um. Well, I certainly hope that will change if the investigation suggests it was something more.

[CN: War on agency] Sahil Kapur has "Everything You Need to Know about the Supreme Court Taking on Birth Control." This is very important: "A defeat for the government would expand the concept of corporate personhood by concluding that a for-profit business can hold religious beliefs that afford it special treatment under the law."

[CN: Misogyny] The ACLU shares the story of Angela Ames, who was forced out of her job after returning to work while still breastfeeding, and asks you to share your story if you've experienced similar workplace discrimination.

[CN: Racism] Further evidence of why there is a racial wealth gap in the US: "Before the recession, black-owned small businesses received 8.2 percent of all loans through the Small Business Administration. That figure is now down to 1.7 percent, according to an analysis by the Wall Street Journal. The total number of loans they are currently getting is similarly low: 2.3 percent of the roughly 54,000 doled out through the agency, down from 11 percent in 2008."

New dinosaur! "The fossilised remains of a bizarre, bird-like dinosaur, nicknamed the 'chicken from hell' by scientists, have been unearthed in the US." LOL.

[Video] Welp, this is one of the most amazing solves on Wheel of Fortune anyone will ever see!

This is, for sure, my favorite headline of the day: "Gwyneth Paltrow is the face of a salmon-placenta skincare line, naturally."

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GOOP 2.0

As everyone knows, I am a HUGE FAN of Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle newsletter, GOOP. (Ha ha I am not a huge fan.) So I'm sure you can only imagine the excitement with which I met the news that also-privileged, also-white, also-thin, also-straight-and-married-to-a-famous-white-dude, also-wealthy, also-from-an-acting-family Blake Lively is also-launching her own very GOOP-esque lifestyle project:

"It's something that will be launching in a few months and that I'm really, really thrilled about. The main element of it is that it's about storytelling and it's about living a very one-of-a-kind, curated life, and how to achieve that. There's nothing like it out there - it's without a genre," Lively told us. "I have so many passions outside of acting and things that I grew up being good at and that I don't utilise when acting. Acting was something that my family did so I just kind of got into it by default, but there was so much that I cultivated, thinking that I wouldn't be an actor."

Terrific! Just terrific.

I can't wait to be one of millions (?) (fingers crossed!) people who follow all of Lively's suggestions for living a one-of-a-kind life! We will all be living the coolest one-of-a-kind life together!

Because I'm sure we can all agree that: 1. There can't be too many privileged white ladies telling us how to live "curated lives." 2. If there is anyone who is qualified to tell you how to live a one-of-a-kind life, it's someone who is literally copying someone else's garbage lifestyle project for the aspirationally wealthy and tells you it's so unique that it transcends genre. Sign me the fuck up.

[H/T to Shaker MMC.]

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FYI

[Content Note: Body policing; restriction talk; fat bias.]

Dame Gwyneth Paltrow has some hot new tips for "how to create a lean body shape" that you probably want to check out immediately.

Of all the "slimming secrets" shared by "actress and lifestyle guru Gwyneth Paltrow," my favorite is definitely the last one.

Try a beauty trick
One of the best cheat products I have found for the body is a tinted moisturiser called Prtty Peaushun. It is shimmery, which gives the illusion of contour; you can see muscle definition. It is great for legs too, and leaves skin looking really hydrated. I wore it on my stomach when I was filming Iron Man 3.

LOL FOREVER.

*resists urge to slather Vaseline on fat belly then pose for a picture labeled "DO I LOOK PRETTY NOW?"*

Barely.

The thing I love most about Gwyneth Paltrow's "tips" is how they don't even try to pretend all this shit is about "health," but about achieving a socially-approved body shape. Points for being nakedly honest about the aesthetic prejudice underlying your rank fat hatred!

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What Is Gwyneth Paltrow Even Talking About?

[Content Note: References to death and disaster.]

From a recent interview with British Cosmopolitan (What—did you think she would do an interview with NOT-British Cosmopolitan? You're so weird.):

[Paltrow] disagrees with doctors who warn patients to avoid tanning. "We're human beings and the sun is the sun -- how can it be bad for you? I think we should all get sun and fresh air," the actress tells British Cosmopolitan. "I don't think anything that is natural can be bad for you -- it's really good to have at least 15 minutes of sun a day."

All right, look: We all know that someone who imagines the average person has a favorite fishmonger is not particularly a "big fan" of "knowing things" about "real life." But ARE YOU KIDDING ME? The sun is the sun?! How can it be bad for you?! Nothing that is natural can be bad for you?! WHUT.

"I beg to differ."—Someone who died of natural causes.

"O RLY?"—Someone who lost hir home in a natural disaster.

"Ha ha whoooooooooops."—Someone who barely escaped a bear in a nature preserve.

I am no Professor of Nature at Science University, but I believe there are a few things which are both: 1. Natural; and 2. Potentially bad for you.

We should list ALL OF THEM in comments, in case Dame Paltrow happens to stop by. I will start: Meteors! Brown Recluse Spiders! Nut allergies! Cholera! Rock slides! Aging! Raw pork!

YOUR TURN.

[H/T to Shaker Emmell.]

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Quote of the Day

[Content Note: Disablism; privilege; gender essentialism; othering.]

"That is insane. I mean this meal here is like $2 a person so I don't know where they're getting (that from). I say I like honey, like raw honey, and a jar is $25, but it lasts for two years. So they were just being sensationalist. There is a lot of inches of column that people need to fill and a lot of times they just try to get attention and say things that aren't true, unfortunately. ...For example, I like to use organic chicken, but it's more expensive—you don't have to."—Gwyneth Paltrow, defending herself against charges that it would cost around $300/day to eat meals prepared from recipes in her new cookbook.

The number is indeed overinflated, because the occasional cost of whole jar of honey or a whole bag of a specialty brand of gluten-free flour are built into the estimates for a single recipe. So it's probably closer to, say, $100/day.

Which obviously all of us can totes afford. And, if not, just switch to the regular chicken.

(Even though in the book she's promoting, she writes: "I am a firm believer in raising animals right and eating only organic, heritage, grass-fed, free-range ones—or even better, game birds from the wild, the way it was meant to be." Admirable, truly. Also not something everyone can afford, if they even have access to ethically-raised meat.)

Ask your favorite fishmonger for other suggestions on how to save money!

Anyway. There are certainly people who write bullshit for attention or page hits or whatthefuckever, but there are also a hell of a lot of people who have written serious and thoughtful criticisms of Paltrow's seemingly clueless privilege embedded in her GOOP lifestyle garbage.

And, you know, even in a shitty economy, there's still plenty of space for luxury brands because there are still plenty of people with lots of money. But the thing to which people (myself included) are objecting is that Paltrow positions her brand as accessible, not aspirational.

* * *

On another note, her new cookbook is also peppered (see what I did there?) with some super insights about gender roles:

On meat: "Gwyneth eats zero red meat and Julia eats a tiny bit here and there, but we both often make it for other people in our lives (mostly men...)."

On an egg white omelet: "This is what to make in the morning if your boyfriend is a body builder. Or you want him to look like one. We got the idea to partially whip the egg whites from a Jean-Georges Vongerichten recipe."

...On men's needs: "I don't eat red meat, but sometimes a man needs a steak."

And finally, this great bit of othering: "Fish sauce can be scary, it has so much flavor. And that's why I love it." Yes. Fish sauce, a kitchen staple in literally billions of homes globally, is scary. Good grief.

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Number of the Day

by Shaker BrianWS, who may or may not become a full-time contributor someday based on a variety of circumstances and considerations and planetary alignments, which is sooooo myseterious and let's all enjoy the mystery!

$20,000: The amount of pocket change you'll need to follow Gwyneth Paltrow's awesome recommendations for an "authentic" trip around New York City, via her new iPhone app, "City Guides by goop."

Yeah.

Now there's an on-the-go companion to her regular goop newsletter, equally steeped in privilege, aspirational consumerism, and body policing, but with the added bonus of reminding you that you're poor while you're standing directly outside the window of a shop featuring goop-approved wares that you cannot afford to buy!

It's City Guides by goop: New York Edition. ("London, Los Angeles....and many more" coming soon!) From the app's description:

Built off the success of Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle website, goop.com, this app is the first of a series of goop City Guides, bringing you an in-depth and authentic guide to New York City. Taking the site's popular series of "GO" newsletters to the next level, this city guide sends you to even more of goop's much-loved and often undiscovered spots. This is goop's take on New York. goop finds you the ultimate nail salon, the most fantastic food cart for a quick snack, the best boutique to find a unique piece for your wardrobe, a beautiful salon where you can get your makeup done, the coolest playground to take your kids to, and the person to call for an at-home blow dry. A resource for first-time visitors and city dwellers alike, the app is filled with all the new and under the radar places that goop has discovered over the years. This is the city as you'd never known it before.

Starting with the fact that "undiscovered" tends to mean great, affordable, neighborhood holes-in-the-wall that local people regularly enjoy but aren't "discovered" until A Person of Importance broadcasts their existence via, say, their pretentious iPhone app, this is just an amazing display of privilege and classism.

"A resource for first-time visitors and city dwellers alike," this new app gives you a new, easy way out for all of those times when you're sitting at home thinking about taking a shower and then making Red King Crab for dinner, but realizing there just aren't enough hours in the day to blow dry your own hair and still make it to the local fishmonger before closing.

Of course, as we know from past editions, you're already a fool if you're not having your favorite fishmonger make deliveries to your home, no doy. But let's say you're just now catching up with goop's lifestyle suggestions and you're still stuck retrieving your own fish, at least now you can save time by calling someone to come over and blow dry your hair for you.

I do understand that a ton of time goes into doing hair for red carpet events where hundreds of photographs will be taken of her, and the least-flattering ones used to drag her down, and I also understand that not everyone is physically able to blow dry hir own hair. But this isn't an app designed for famous actresses, or people with disabilities; it's an app designed ostensibly for a general audience.

And that's the problem: Paltrow offers this app as a resource for tourists and residents, without any caveat that many of the residents of New York City—like those quirky characters who frequent "undiscovered" establishments—are impoverished. As Liss observed when we were talking about this: "There's a long and unfortunate history of treating 'Manhattan' and 'New York City' as synonymous entities, which is not merely a clueless expression of profound privilege and wealth, but a perpetuation of that ugly history which disappears entire boroughs of people, many of whom are poor, many of whom are people of color, and many of whose 'classic New Yorkery'—their accents, their culture—are used to deny them access to the halls of power in the city that trades on their 'colorfulness'."

I don't begrudge Gwyneth Paltrow (or Mitt Romney, or anyone with a shitload of money, regardless of how they wound up with it) their right to go spend that money in whatever manner they see fit, as long as it's legal and consensual. But I do have a problem with someone who is as privileged as Paltrow disappearing the real-life struggles of people who don't have her money and means, without so much as a nod to the classes for whom her app is really applicable. The result is the implication that we could just all eat better, shop better, and live better if we did it a bit more like her.

Yep, Paltrow shares her tips with us because her life is so perfect and she wants ours to be better. And of course, her life is so amazing because she simply discovered the time-saving, smart-shopping, golden secrets to life. It's definitely not because she's white, able-bodied, famous, conventionally beautiful, straight, cisgender, and totally fucking rich. Nope, it's definitely that the rest of us are just too lazy or stupid to get with the program.

Same old story. Rinse and repeat. Now call for a blow dry.

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