Dane Cook, he of the rape jokes and double-finger salute, will star in a new sitcom pilot for NBC called "Next Caller Please," in which he will play a "grouchy alpha male DJ." Sounds GREAT! And it gets even better:
The single-camera series revolves around Cam Doherty, a brash alpha male DJ and his feminist co-host set in the office of a satellite radio station.
Cook will play Cam, the disheveled, unshaven, hung-over and purposely detached magnetic grouch who doesn't like that his co-host is a woman.
...Collette Wolfe will play his co-host, Stella, in the gender comedy, while Joy Osmanski is on board to portray Winnie, Stella's producer, who recruits her to the radio show.
Ha ha you see it's FUNNY because she's a FEMINIST (a character who I'm sure TOTALLY won't be written as an MRA-drawn caricature of a feminist AT ALL!) and a "brash alpha male" harassing, belittling, mocking, needling, and bullying a feminist woman in a professional environment is GREAT COMEDY FODDER, and not at all the very thing that makes life a fucking misery for countless women.
NBC, let me save you some trouble. You remember what happened to ABC after they broadcast the profoundly contemptuous "Work It"...? Well, get ready for a category 5 shit-storm if you have the terrible sense to actually produce and broadcast this misogynist swill.
And here's some free advice: Any project that can be described as a "gender comedy" in the age of a global war on women [content note: violence and hostility toward female autonomy] is straight-up GARBAGE.
And not at all totally, unremittingly, and almost inconceivably terrible: "Dane Cook is heading to NBC to headline his own network comedy series. Amid interest from multiple networks, the actor-comedian has signed a development deal with NBC for a half-hour project targeted for next fall. Cook will star in the comedy and produce through his SUperFInger Entertainment banner."
SUperFInger. Whut? There can be only two reasons for that completely stupid capitalization: Either Dane Cook is telling us he's secretly a Sufi, or Dane Cook is telling us he's an unbridled dipshit.
In which we discuss the horrorfest that is the film Good Luck Chuck, starring Dane Cook, which was our most recent Bad Film Night Flick, and Sophie keeps distracting us (mostly me). Episodes One, Two, Three.
[Also available at Daily Motion. Full transcript below.]
Title Card: Vloggin' with Blogginz…& Sophs!
Liss: Are you ready for some sweet Mike Isabella action on Top Chef?
KBlogz: Mike Isaballa is a lot like this character in the film Good Luck Chuck—
[Liss bursts out laughing]
KBlogz: —he was the friend—
Liss: Yeah…?
KBlogz: —and he's all like [flaps arms around and puts on caveman voice] "Gettin' pussy! Yeeeaaaarrrggghhh!"
Liss: Oh my god. Was that the worst movie ever?
KBlogz: It got 5% on RottenTomatoes.com.
Liss: [laughing] Is that accurate?
KBlogz: Yeah!
Liss: Oh my god.
KBlogz: Yeah, it's true. It got 5%.
Liss: I mean, I know, like, we watched a lot of bad movies together, deliberately, because we like watching bad movies, like…Blart…and—
KBlogz: Yeah, but Blart wasn't offensive like this one.
Liss: Well—
KBlogz: It was kind of, but—
Liss: —it was kind of offensive.
KBlogz: It didn't make me sick.
Liss: Remember all the "Ha ha, fat people are funny" stuff?
KBlogz: Yeah, "Oh, fat people are funny" and then Good Luck Chuck is like [flaps arms around and puts on dudebro caveman voice] "Fucking dumb sluts! Yeeeaaaarrrggghhh!"
Liss: [laughing] I know! That was—
KBlogz: [waves arms around wildly while Liss laughs] He's like leaping around; he's like doing all this Dane Cook impersonation.
Liss: It was actually— Yeah, Dane Cook was doing a Dane Cook impersonation?
KBlogz: Well, his friend [in the movie] was like Dane Cook's stand-up—
Liss: YES.
KBlogz: —he was like moving his arms around [flaps arms around and puts on caveman voice] and going, "Pussy!"
Liss: Yeah, I'm surprised he didn't do a t-rex impersonation, you know how—
KBlogz: [impersonating Dane Cook's t-rex impersonation] Rrrrahhh!
[Liss bursts out laughing]
Liss: Um— Can you fix those blinds behind you? Like, that Sophie messed up again? [KBlogz fixes blinds, which he's done like 90 times before.] Thanks, it was irritating me.
KBlogz: You're welcome.
Liss: Um—
[KBlogz puts hand under chin; pulls cute face; Liss laughs]
Liss: You're very helpful. Um, what was I gonna say about Good Luck Chuck? That was actually offensive on every level.
KBlogz: Yeah.
Liss: Like, it wasn't funny, it was—there was gratuitous nudity constantly… [Sophie jumps up by where the blinds had been messed up.] Look, right back to fucking with the blinds.
KBlogz: [faux angry] Goddammit.
Liss: Lucky she's cute, I tell ya.
KBlogz: I know. [melodramatically rolls eyes and shakes head]
Liss: But for that she's getting out of the shot. [Zooms in on KBlogz, who chuckles.] It was completely absurd, and it made no sense—
KBlogz: Very poorly written.
Liss: —it was misogynist, homophobic, transphobic, racist—
KBlogz: Anti-Wiccan.
Liss: —anti-Wiccan, probably anti-penguin.
KBlogz: Probably.
Liss: Um, it had a stoner for laughs, which is just—
KBlogz: Yeah.
Liss: —so tired.
KBlogz: Anti-stoner, right.
Liss: [laughs] And unoriginal and lazy.
KBlogz: Yeah, plus that.
Liss: Derivative, um—
KBlogz: Yeah, it had a "Dane Cook going down on a plush penguin" scene at the end.
Liss: That was tragic!
KBlogz: Ya ever wanna see Dane Cook make love to a plush penguin? Watch Good Luck Chuck! It's a real movie.
Liss: [pans over to Sophie, who had pushed her head through the blinds] Look at this shit over here. Look.
KBlogz: [faux angry] Goddammit!
Liss: [laughing as Sophie pulls her head out and looks at them, then licks her back] Look at the innocent look!
KBlogz: [faux angry] Goddammit!
Liss: "Oh don't mind me! I'm just cleaning myself! I'm not fucking up the blinds!"
KBlogz: Look at her—
Liss: Good Luck Sophie.
[Liss and KBlogz pretend to be exasperated, then Liss laughs as Sophie sticks her head back out of the blinds.]
Liss: What could be going on out there? Look at her! [KBlogz looks and laughs.] Just watching the neighborhood!
KBlogz: Bobby! Bobby!
Liss: What else? It was millions of dollars that could have been spent feeding people.
KBlogz: Mm-hmm.
Liss: Or—
KBlogz: Or making just a better movie.
Liss: Yes! [They both laugh.] That's also, like, an option. Oh my god, um—
KBlogz: It could have gone towards, like, cool sweaters for us.
Liss: Yes. It could have gone to an actual, real penguin habitat.
KBlogz: It could have gone towards getting us a Dodge Viper—
Liss: Mm-hmm.
KBlogz: —with nitrous.
Liss: Yeah.
KBlogz: For our blogging.
Liss: And also our surp—supor—ssss— Let's try that again. Also for our superheroing that we do on the weekends.
KBlogz: Yep.
Liss: 'Cuz, like, um, my Ford Fusion ain't that cool.
KBlogz: Not at all.
Liss: Your Scion's a little cooler.
KBlogz: It's a little bit cooler.
[Sophie goes crashing through the blinds. They laugh.]
"I think the word raped gets thrown around far too casually. You ever listen to a bunch of guys playing video games with each other online? It's like, 'Ah man you shot me in the back dude. You raped me dude!' I'm pretty sure if I talked to a woman who's been through that horrific situation and I said, 'What was it like, you know, being raped?' she's not gonna look at me and go, 'Have you ever played Halo?'"—Dane Cook, in his new comedy special "Isolated Incident."
The other night, I turned on the television and the channel was still tuned to Comedy Central from watching "The Colbert Report" the night before. "Isolated Incident" was airing, and in the maybe 6 seconds it took me to change the channel, Cook said something racist, xenophobic, and sexist.
And even he gets that casually throwing around the word rape is inappropriate.
Which means that anyone who doesn't is a bigger douche than Dane Cook.
(Who, btw, should maybe consider in future not making movies rife with date rape jokes if he's genuinely concerned about the gravity of rape being diminished by casual indifference.)
Okay, it's not just because I know who you are. It's also because you're an ass-flavored megadouche who waxes sincere about your "creative muse" with a straight fucking face, even as your new film prompts a reviewer for the LA Times to dryly snarl, "Watching this repugnant, angry male fantasy, I thought, 'You know what's missing? Jokes about date rape.' I wasn't disappointed for long."
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