I've mentioned previously that Zelda doesn't like having her paws touched, which makes clipping her claws difficult. So earlier today, when the groomer was here to give Matilda a new lion cut (no, there are no pictures yet, because Tilsy is pouting, thankyouverymuch), she met Zelda for the first time, and I mentioned the paws issue. I said the vet had suggested she might have to be sedated for getting her nails trimmed, and our groomer (have I mentioned she's awesome? she is awesome) said with an amusingly unrestrained eyeroll that she didn't think that would be necessary and she'd give it a try.
Well, guess who got her claws clipped like a GOOD GIRL and didn't even need to be muzzled and was completely unstressed by the entire event?
[Dudley and Zelda sit together on the loveseat. Zelda is chewing on a squeaky toy and Dudley is staring off into space.] Dudley! *kissy noises* [Dudley turns and looks at me] What are you doing? What's going on over there? [His ears perk up; Zelda stops and looks at me.] Ohhhh, are you good puppies? [They stare at me cutely.] Are you the good puppies? You are. Yes. [Zelda goes back to her squeaky toy.] The good puppies. [Dudley lays his head down contentedly.]Immediately following this exchange, Dudley grabbed the other end of the toy, and thus did commence a brief but furious game of doggy wrasslin'.
Have I ever mentioned three thousand times that Dudley is very lazy? Dudley is very lazy.
[Dudley lies on the loveseat looking sleepy; I'm standing at the front door, pointing the camera at him.] Dudley, you wanna go out for a walk? Let's go for a walk. Dudley! [I dangle the leash temptingly.] Come on, Dudz. *kissy noises* [Pause; Dudley doesn't budge.] Dudley, are you the laziest dog? Come on, lazybones. [I swivel the camera down, where Zelda is running around my feet in circles, excitedly wagging her tail.] Do you want to go for a walk? [Zelda sits and looks up at me, wagging her tail.] You do?! You wanna go out for a walk? Yes, what a good girl! [I swivel the camera back to Dudley, still lying in the same position.] Dudley, come on, we're waiting for you. [Pause; Dudley doesn't budge.] Dudz, c'mere! *kissy noises* Come on, Dudz! *snapping and whistling* "Let's go! *tongue clicking* [I swivel the camera down to see Olivia now also standing by the front door.] Livsy wants to go for a walk! [I pan to Zelda, now running around with waggy tail again.] Zelda sure wants to go for a walk. [Back to Dudley.] Come on, Dudz. Come on, Dudz! [I slap my knee with my hand.] Come on, good boy! [Back to Zelda, who sits and looks up at me eagerly.] Who's a good girl? Are you a good girl? Yes, you are. You're a good girl. [Back to Dudley.] Dudley!We did eventually get out for a walk.
All right, come on, Dudz! *snapping* Come on! *kissy noises* Oh my goodness. *sigh* [I walk around the back of the couch into the living room toward Dudley.] Come here, lazy boy. [I pet his head and scratch his chin.] Who's a good boy? Who's such a good boy? [Dudley enjoys the scratches, then lays his head back down.] You ready to go? [Zelda runs up, wagging her tail.] Tell him! Tell him, Zelda. [She jumps up on the couch next to Dudley and looks out the window.] See?! She's ready to go out! Come on, Dudz! Come on, Dudley! Let's go, Dudley! [Dudley yawns.] Dudley. [Extreme close-up; he sniffs at the camera; I whisper at him.] Let's go outside. Let's go for a walk. [Dudley yawns.]
[Zelda comes back over.] Tell him. Tell him, Zelda! Tell him it's time! [She sits, wags her tail, looks at Dudley.] It's time for a walk! It's time for a walk! [Pause; Dudley doesn't budge.] Come on, Dudz. *kissy noises* [I walk back to the front door.] Dudley, let's go. Let's go, Dudley. We're going out. [I open the door.] Come on, Dudley, we're gonna go without you. Come on! Come on, Dudz! *snapping* Come on, Dudley! [Dudley looks at me from the couch, yawns, and looks away.]
Last night, Anderson Cooper added Gerard Depardieu to his "Ridiculist" after the actor reportedly peed in the passenger cabin of an airplane idling on the tarmac after he wasn't allowed to use the toilet. (I'm sure we can all agree that peeing in an airplane cabin is terrible, and rules about denying passengers access to toilets while flights are delayed are also terrible, although less terrible than public urination, and we don't need to debate those things because they're really not the point of the post.) Cooper's segment was chock full of pee-related puns—which are Deeky's second-favorite puns of ALL the puns!—and he almost got through the whole thing before breaking into one of the most hilarious giggle-fits ever captured on camera. Enjoy! (Via Gabe.)
Time now for the "Ridiculist." Tonight, we are adding Gerard Depardieu: Noted French actor, Academy Award nominee, public urinator. That's right. I said urinator.
Last night on a flight from Paris to Dublin, Depardieu reportedly peed on the floor. Apparently, the plane was on the tarmac and the flight attendant told him he'd have to wait to use the bathroom until takeoff. So Depardieu created his own little jet stream, or as the French would say, "Oui, oui."
When I first heard this story this morning, I thought there was no way it was real. [chuckles] But the airline, CityJet, confirmed it beyond any shadow of skepticism. And by that, I mean, they vaguely tweeted about it, quote, "As you may have seen on the news, we are busy mopping the floor of one of our planes this morning. We'd also like to remind all passengers that our planes are fully equipped with toilet facilities."
Hmmmmm, CityJet. I would have guessed he flies Incontinental. [someone laughs in the background; Cooper grins goofily] Incontinental. Anyway. While the airline was busy putting the pee back in PR, some of the passengers just couldn't hold it anymore, and started spilling their versions of the incident to the press. Can you blame them?
They saw an actual thespian actually thes-peein'. This— [laughs] Oh, it's full of puns. [laughter in background] This probably won't come as a shock, but several passengers say Depardieu was—you guessed it—visibly drunk. But I think there's another explanation. See, as a celebrity, he's not accustomed to being told he can't do things he wants to do when he wants to do them. Things like going to the bathroom.
No, he's probably used to being, you know, pampered. [graphic of Pampers diapers appears] I'd go as far as to say he depends on it. [graphic of Depends diapers appears; Cooper points to it] Put a graphic in case you didn't get the reference... depends on it.
But it's kind of sad when you think about it. This guy has been in hundreds of movies. Will he be he remembered for Cyrano de Bergerac? Probably not. Will he be remembered for Green Card? Nope. This incident is likely go down as his number one role.
Although there is a bright side. [laughs] Will you stop laughing? It's distracting. [laughs] Now that we know he doesn't have any stage fright when it comes to public urination, maybe he can get together with his fellow castmates from La Vie en Rose, and they can have a pissing contest. You know, like a pee-off. Pee-off. 'Cause the movie was about Edith Piaf. So I said pee-off.
So after Gerard took his little solo flight to Urine Nation, the plane had to turn around and go back to the gate and some unlucky cleaning crew had to deal with the Golden Globe-winning tinkle. Now all I can say is they should thank their lucky stars it wasn't Depar-two.
[Cooper begins to laugh] Sorry. [laughs some more] That made me giggle every time I read it.
He hasn't commented on this incident. [laughs; someone is laughing in the background and it sends Cooper into gales of giggles] Depar-two. I know you get it, but. [Cooper completely breaks down into a fit of giggles] All right, okay, sorry. [He starts giggling EVEN HARDER and covers his face with his hands; he's giggling so hard he falls over and tears come to his eyes; his face goes red and he wipes the tears from his eyes and starts giggling again.] Sorry, this has actually never happened to me. [more giggling] You always see this sort of thing on YouTube, and you don't think it actually could happen to you. [He's giggling so hard, the words are coming out of him like staccato notes.] All right, sorry. [He shakes his head and wipes his face with his hands, trying to regain his composure, and clears his throat.]
He hasn't commented on the incident, but if I know the European celebrity spin machine, and, I think I do, there will probably be some excuse like he was doing research for a movie role. As we speak, I bet somewhere in Paris, a screenwriter is furiously typing out a period piece about the potty-training misadventures of an overgrown drunk French two-year-old.
His entourage reportedly says that he wasn't drunk and that he just tried to discretely pee in a bottle, but I'm not sure that version holds water.
In any case, Gerard, chin up. Yes, this incident was in all the papers, but it's nothing but yellow journalism and soon it will be flushed from our memories.
So just go with the flow on the "Riduculist."
1. Chris Christie still has no intentions of worming his way into the field for the GOP nomination.
2. Somewhere out there lives a beluga whale who loves mariachi bands.
[Please note that Dudley and Zelda bare their teeth at each other in this video. They're just playing, but if seeing dogs bare their teeth is triggering or otherwise problematic for you, you should skip this video.]
