When I left on hiatus a few weeks ago, I had every intention of coming back after an extended break. I thought there might be a possibility the break would need to extend longer than I had anticipated, but I expected it would end at some point. That I would feel better and be able to get back to the work I love.
But it's become clear during my time away that I have reached the end of this road, and I don't want to delay having to tell you the inevitable. After nearly 15 years, exactly one-third of my life, I am moving on from Shakesville.
The thing is, I am feeling somewhat better. I have days without cluster headaches now. The incidents of vertigo have diminished a bit. My hair has stopped falling out in clumps. My infamous garbage gut is noticeably less garbagey. I'm not constantly on the verge of a panic attack. These are all great things! I am so happy about them! But I am also painfully aware that these improvements have only happened because I stepped away from this work.
That's a message I can't ignore. And although I'm not one for signs, my laptop died yesterday as I sat down to open the blog dashboard for the first time in weeks. Welp.
I love this community. I love writing for you. I love the research and the silly photoshops and crafting nerdy political jokes. I love talking about our individual lived experiences and learning from you. I love helping people find and access resources, or figure out a tough problem, in private communications. I love seeing pictures of your faces, your kids, your pets. I love making you laugh, and I love how often you make me laugh.
I don't love the nature of the content about which I've been writing, especially these last couple of years. But even that would be tolerable, if it weren't for everything else that I am obliged to navigate as part of being a fat feminist woman writing in public. I don't need to recount it. You've seen enough to know that it is a steep cost, and it turns out that even I have limits. I have reached them.
The truth is that I reached them a long time ago, and I stayed far longer than I should have, and now I'm paying the price with both my psychological and physical health.
So I'm going to go take care of myself. I don't know what's next after that. I'm frankly pretty scared, because I've been doing this for a long time and it's a huge part of who I am. It is very difficult to let go.
I am endlessly grateful to all the people who have been kind and generous to me over the years. I have made so many amazing friends. I can't put into words how much the moderators and contributors mean to me. There aren't words big enough. They are extraordinary people, and I am lucky to know them.
I am abundantly thankful for Iain, who encouraged me to start this blog and is now encouraging me to take the time I need to get well. He has been my champion and has had my back. He has taken every risk with me. This community owes him a lot. I owe him a lot. I love him like whoa.
I feel like there is so much more to say, and that I could never say everything I want to.
This is so hard.
So I will just get to the practical stuff.
I disabled my Twitter account when I went on leave, and I'm not going to reactivate it. It's not a healthy place for me, and I feel much better for not looking at it.
I will be disabling my Patreon — which, yes, I just started, lolsob; I really wasn't planning on quitting! You will need to cancel your PayPal subscriptions. (I can't cancel them for you.) If anyone who made a donation since July 16 while I've been on break would like a refund, please email me and I will make sure to return your donation promptly.
Also email me if you just want to keep in touch!
Naturally, please feel welcome to organize in comments if someone wants to set up a new community space.
Shakesville will stand as an archive. And because I don't want this sad post to sit at the top of the page forever, I will, in a week or so, republish one of my favorite all-time posts, which will greet you anytime you stop by for a visit in future.
(I'll leave as a surprise which one it is.)
I don't know how to end this post. Y'all mean so much to me. I hope this place and I have meant something to you. I did my best.
Showing posts with label Beloved Community. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Beloved Community. Show all posts
The End of This Road
Good Things
One of the ways we resist the demoralization and despair in which exploiters of fear like Trump thrive is to keep talking about the good things in our lives.
Because, even though it feels very much (and rightly so) like we are losing so many things we value, there are still daily moments of joy or achievement or love or empowering ferocity or other kinds of fulfillment.
Maybe you've experienced something big worth celebrating; maybe you've just had a precious moment of contentment; maybe getting out of bed this morning was a success worthy of mention.
News items worth celebrating are also welcome.
So, whatever you have to share that's good, here's a place to do it.
The Check-In
I am just ceaselessly angry and grief-stricken about the humanitarian crisis at the southern border. When I sleep well enough to dream, I have nightmares about concentration camps.
I am deeply unhappy (to put it mildly) about how Donald Trump's presidency is being defined by powerful sexual predators defying accountability to assume even more power. I said many times that the 2016 election would be a referendum on how this nation values women, and Trump is the ultimate feminist backlash.
I am feeling increasingly anxious about the 2020 election. About the campaign, about Election Day, and about the fallout after Election Day. It's just going to be a shitshow, and it's freaking me the fuck out. I hope I'm wrong to be so worried.
I continue to feel like the world is shifting out from under my feet and I'm about to topple over.
I am hungry, so I'm going to eat some lunch.
I am grateful for my dear husband, for our home, for my friends, for all the times they make me laugh, and for Dudley and Zelda.
I am also, as always, glad for this community. Anyone who wants to join me in another enormous virtual group hug is welcome.
How are you?
The Shaker HALP! Thread
Here is a thread to solicit advice on any subject or struggle we're experiencing on which some input from like-minded folks would be useful.
And because sometimes what we need is permission to go ahead and do what we've already decided is the best thing to do, if you need to ask for permission (which of course is validation and encouragement to give yourself permission), this is the place to do it.
As always, the guidance here is: Be supportive, not judgmental. If you're going to offer advice, make sure it's advice and not criticism.
Also: If you're someone seeking advice, and you've had your fill after a certain point, please feel welcome to note in-thread: "Thank you, that's all the advice I needed!"
Good Things
One of the ways we resist the demoralization and despair in which exploiters of fear like Trump thrive is to keep talking about the good things in our lives.
Because, even though it feels very much (and rightly so) like we are losing so many things we value, there are still daily moments of joy or achievement or love or empowering ferocity or other kinds of fulfillment.
Maybe you've experienced something big worth celebrating; maybe you've just had a precious moment of contentment; maybe getting out of bed this morning was a success worthy of mention.
News items worth celebrating are also welcome.
So, whatever you have to share that's good, here's a place to do it.
The Check-In
I am having a hard time at the moment. [Content Note: Nativism; child abuse.] I spent almost the entirety of my last therapy appointment on the verge of sobbing, talking about children being tortured in concentration camps, and how impotent I feel to stop any of the vast harm the Trump Regime is doing, and how terrifying and infuriating it is to me how disengaged most of the population is, and what a toll it's taking on my health to sit in this malice for at least 10 hours every day, and how shitty I feel even saying that when there are immigrants in unfathomable suffering at the southern border and in facilities across the country, not to mention everything else that's happening and everyone else who is hurting, and how goddamned filled with rage and grief I am just all the time.
And I feel very lucky to have a therapist who is very kind and very good at her job, and lets me boil over like a too-full, too-hot, too-much teapot, so that I can get back to doing the work I can't imagine not doing in this moment.
I continue to feel like the world is shifting out from under my feet and I'm about to topple over.
I am feeling increasingly anxious about the 2020 election, and I just want the Democratic nominee to be someone, anyone, who will not try to out-Trump Trump. Not only because no one can out-Trump Trump, but also and mostly because I don't want a race to the bottom. I want to see decency and competence on display, no matter how quaint it may seem these days. All of it still matters, even if it's rigged. Even if we lose, we can go down fighting with principle.
I am grateful for my sweet husband, for our home, for my friends, for all the times they make me laugh, and for Dudley and Zelda.
I am also, as always, glad for this community. Anyone who wants to join me in another enormous virtual group hug is welcome.
How are you?
The Shaker HALP! Thread
Here is a thread to solicit advice on any subject or struggle we're experiencing on which some input from like-minded folks would be useful.
And because sometimes what we need is permission to go ahead and do what we've already decided is the best thing to do, if you need to ask for permission (which of course is validation and encouragement to give yourself permission), this is the place to do it.
As always, the guidance here is: Be supportive, not judgmental. If you're going to offer advice, make sure it's advice and not criticism.
Also: If you're someone seeking advice, and you've had your fill after a certain point, please feel welcome to note in-thread: "Thank you, that's all the advice I needed!"
Good Things
One of the ways we resist the demoralization and despair in which exploiters of fear like Trump thrive is to keep talking about the good things in our lives.
Because, even though it feels very much (and rightly so) like we are losing so many things we value, there are still daily moments of joy or achievement or love or empowering ferocity or other kinds of fulfillment.
Maybe you've experienced something big worth celebrating; maybe you've just had a precious moment of contentment; maybe getting out of bed this morning was a success worthy of mention.
News items worth celebrating are also welcome.
So, whatever you have to share that's good, here's a place to do it.
The Shaker HALP! Thread
Here is a thread to solicit advice on any subject or struggle we're experiencing on which some input from like-minded folks would be useful.
And because sometimes what we need is permission to go ahead and do what we've already decided is the best thing to do, if you need to ask for permission (which of course is validation and encouragement to give yourself permission), this is the place to do it.
As always, the guidance here is: Be supportive, not judgmental. If you're going to offer advice, make sure it's advice and not criticism.
Also: If you're someone seeking advice, and you've had your fill after a certain point, please feel welcome to note in-thread: "Thank you, that's all the advice I needed!"
Good Things
[Note: This is the thread formerly known as "Discussion Thread: Good Things." I've just retitled it and added an image, the background of which comes via Pixabay.]
One of the ways we resist the demoralization and despair in which exploiters of fear like Trump thrive is to keep talking about the good things in our lives.
Because, even though it feels very much (and rightly so) like we are losing so many things we value, there are still daily moments of joy or achievement or love or empowering ferocity or other kinds of fulfillment.
Maybe you've experienced something big worth celebrating; maybe you've just had a precious moment of contentment; maybe getting out of bed this morning was a success worthy of mention.
News items worth celebrating are also welcome.
So, whatever you have to share that's good, here's a place to do it.
The Check-In
I am feeling increasingly anxious about the 2020 election. About the campaign, about Election Day, and about the fallout after Election Day. It's just going to be a shitshow, and it's freaking me the fuck out.
I hope I'm wrong to be so worried.
I hate feeling all the time like I'm crazy for dreading things that then actually happen, and I hate wishing all the time that I am not right about things that I know I'm right about. It's a shitty state in which to exist.
I continue to feel like the world is shifting out from under my feet and I'm about to topple over.
I am deeply appreciative for some nice weather lately, cool enough that I have been able to spend some time outdoors, which is giving me life.
I have been missing my kitteh girls a lot lately. They were such good companions. I loved them so much and I miss their sweet faces.
I am grateful for my dear husband, for our home, for my friends, for all the times they make me laugh, and for Dudley and Zelda.
I am also, as always, glad for this community. Anyone who wants to join me in another enormous virtual group hug is welcome.
How are you?
The Shaker HALP! Thread
Here is a thread to solicit advice on any subject or struggle we're experiencing on which some input from like-minded folks would be useful.
And because sometimes what we need is permission to go ahead and do what we've already decided is the best thing to do, if you need to ask for permission (which of course is validation and encouragement to give yourself permission), this is the place to do it.
As always, the guidance here is: Be supportive, not judgmental. If you're going to offer advice, make sure it's advice and not criticism.
Also: If you're someone seeking advice, and you've had your fill after a certain point, please feel welcome to note in-thread: "Thank you, that's all the advice I needed!"
Discussion Thread: Good Things
One of the ways we resist the demoralization and despair in which exploiters of fear like Trump thrive is to keep talking about the good things in our lives.
Because, even though it feels very much (and rightly so) like we are losing so many things we value, there are still daily moments of joy or achievement or love or empowering ferocity or other kinds of fulfillment.
Maybe you've experienced something big worth celebrating; maybe you've just had a precious moment of contentment; maybe getting out of bed this morning was a success worthy of mention.
News items worth celebrating are also welcome.
So, whatever you have to share that's good, here's a place to do it.
* * *
I have a couple of lowkey social events lined up for this weekend, and I'm looking forward to them.
Some of the things we planted in the garden are surviving (so far!), and I'm pretty excited about that.
This:
Triple stack pic.twitter.com/8ZhTsW215M
— Meow Library (@meowlibrary) May 27, 2019
The Check-In
[Note: This is the thread formerly known as "Discussion Thread: How Are you?" I've just changed the title to reflect the label I've been using for it. Image via Pixabay.]
I am feeling increasingly anxious about the accelerating pace of the GOP's consolidation of power behind Donald Trump and the Democratic leadership's decision-making about how (or if?!) to address it.
It's extremely stressful to me to feel like we are on our own — and that it isn't just the United States whose leaders are abandoning commitments to long-held democratic norms and values.
I spend many days now feeling like the world is shifting out from under my feet and I'm about to topple over.
I am feeling worried about how the Democratic primary is going to go, and whether it will further break us apart. In hopeful moments, I am pleased that, among the expansive field of candidates, there are a few for whom I want to cast an enthusiastically affirmative vote, not just a vote against the rest.
I am deeply appreciative for some nice weather lately, cool enough that I have been able to spend some time outdoors.
The previous owners of my home (the only owners before we bought it from them) dropped by for a visit last week, and I was so happy to see them and spend some time with them. They are such lovely people.
I have plans to meet a friend for lunch and a movie soon, and I'm looking forward to it.
I am grateful for my dear husband, for our home, for my friends, for all the times they make me laugh, and for Dudley and Zelda.
I am also, as always, glad for this community. Anyone who wants to join me in another enormous virtual group hug is welcome.
How are you?
The Shaker HALP! Thread
Here is a thread to solicit advice on any subject or struggle we're experiencing on which some input from like-minded folks would be useful.
And because sometimes what we need is permission to go ahead and do what we've already decided is the best thing to do, if you need to ask for permission (which of course is validation and encouragement to give yourself permission), this is the place to do it.
As always, the guidance here is: Be supportive, not judgmental. If you're going to offer advice, make sure it's advice and not criticism.
Also: If you're someone seeking advice, and you've had your fill after a certain point, please feel welcome to note in-thread: "Thank you, that's all the advice I needed!"
Discussion Thread: Good Things
One of the ways we resist the demoralization and despair in which exploiters of fear like Trump thrive is to keep talking about the good things in our lives.
Because, even though it feels very much (and rightly so) like we are losing so many things we value, there are still daily moments of joy or achievement or love or empowering ferocity or other kinds of fulfillment.
Maybe you've experienced something big worth celebrating; maybe you've just had a precious moment of contentment; maybe getting out of bed this morning was a success worthy of mention.
News items worth celebrating are also welcome.
So, whatever you have to share that's good, here's a place to do it.
* * *
I started my holiday week watching Amy Poehler's film Wine Country, which was released on Netflix May 10 (the day before my birthday), and ended my holiday week watching John Wick 3, which was released in 4DX, and it doesn't get much better than that.
It's Okay to Not Feel Like Everything Will Be Okay
[Content Note: Emotional policing; gaslighting.]
Soon after the 2016 election, I published a piece with the same title as this one, in which I wrote:
Something has been upended that cannot be easily righted, and I'm not going to feel okay about the fact that every breath in my chest just got a little tighter.In February of 2018, I published a follow-up, in which I wrote:
And they were already pretty tight, even before this.
I know how to live in a space of survival. And I will persevere, for as long as the fates allow. That does not require me to concede that everything will be okay.
And, at least in this space, it's okay if you don't feel like everything will be okay, too.
How can I possibly believe everything is going to be okay?And last summer, I published another follow-up, in which I wrote:
The fact is I don't.
And I'm not saying that, publicly and straightforwardly, as a resignation. To the absolute contrary, I don't believe that things can be okay if we aren't all fighting as hard as our grim circumstances demand; as hard as though we all know that things won't be okay without a leviathanian effort from each and every one of us.
We have to acknowledge the precipice on which we find ourselves, if we're ever to back away.
I don't feel like it's going to be okay.
That motivates me to fight with perseverance and resilience. And yet there are vanishingly few places where I can express that without reflexive and hostile pushback.
I am angry about a lot of things right now. Among those things is the relentless stream of cheery bromides that assure me everything will be okay.As our Constitutional crisis deepens, and even the most stubbornly American Exceptionalist gaslighters have been shaken by the overwhelming evidence that, in fact, it not only can happen here, but is, my feelings of contempt toward bids to cheer me out of my concern and my anger have only deepened.
Because everything isn't okay right now.
The Trump Regime is tearing families apart and detaining children in cages. The Republican Party has abandoned all pretense of loyalty to the working people of this nation, and actively seeks to harm us by denying us healthcare, rescinding our rights, busting the unions that advocate for a liveable wage, and in every other conceivable way making it more difficult for us to survive. Climate change has stopped knocking at the door and is now aggressively pushing its way across the threshold. And I've barely gotten started.
...I understand that bluntly expressing that grim reality makes a lot of people uncomfortable. For Christ's sake, it should. We should all be uncomfortable as fuck right now. Not a single person who cares about the fate of this nation should be finding ways to make themselves or the people around them more comfortable in this moment.
Of course we must engage in self-care and community-building around subjects beyond politics, and we must be kind to ourselves to allow time to process and recharge. We must also stay uncomfortable with what's happening.
I am agitated, and I don't want that agitation to be assuaged.
So have my feelings of disgust and despair that the people empowered to at least try to do something to halt the destruction of everything I value in this imperfect country I love refuse to urgently make that attempt.
Where is the line?! I seethe every day. Where is the threshold past which things will officially be bad enough that we can all collectively drop every last vestige of the pretense that this is temporary, a blip, an anomaly, just a minor setback that's thrown the arc of the moral universe off its gently sloping bend toward justice?
I suspect, with greater certainly every day, that no such fixed line exists. The closer we come to one boundary defined as "too far," the more normalized the abnormalities become; the more people become inured to the injustice and malice that once qualified as "too far."
This is the objective of the authoritarian and his cheerleaders. And it is the relief of his appointed opponents, brave enough to accept the job in theory and too craven to execute the job now that circumstances demand it.
Humans are adaptable. Everything becomes "normal" eventually.
I hear the way the authoritarian's language, his signature vocabulary and singular syntax, have become a part of the language, and I am angry. I see the way his opponents try to borrow his strategies, and I am angry. I watch as people who once swore they would never bend the knee begin to make excuses for their capitulation, and I am angry. Those of us who resist, really resist, visibly and with steadfast principles, become the targets of campaigns to discredit, intimidate, silence us, and I am angry.
I am relentlessly rageful, and there are moments when I feel that rage threaten to consume me.
And that, that feeling that I risk succumbing to a fear and a fury the causes of which have no imminent end, is why I need to commune with people who share my feelings.
Who will not try to talk me out of them, but instead will validate them. Who will reassure me that I'm not alone. Who will carry it with me.
It's not enough just to know it's okay to not feel like everything will be okay, on our own. It's important to have community with whom you can feel that, can express that, can sit in that discomfort together.
I appreciate and value this community — the commenters, my fellow contributors and mods, the lurkers — profoundly and resonatingly. It means something to me to see you showing up every day. I am going to keep providing the space for us to be here for each other, to validate each other and carry this burden together, for as long as I can.
Discussion Thread: How Are You?
I am as anxious about the state of the nation, and the world, as I have ever been since the day after the 2016 election, which is to say extremely fucking anxious. The escalating Constitutional crisis is starting to keep me up at night.
I continue to loathe the entire Trump Regime and every member of the Republican Party and their deplorable base with the fiery power of ten thousand suns.
I am feeling an increasing amount of stress and trepidation about the Democratic primary. Not just about what the outcome will be, and how damaged the victor will emerge for what will be a rough general election, but about the resources it will take to process the personal abuse I am obliged to navigate simply by virtue of covering candidates with very aggressive supporters. I am scared by the escalating extremism I'm seeing on the left.
I am pleased that, among the ginormous field of Democratic candidates, there are a few for whom I want to cast an enthusiastically affirmative vote, not just a vote against the rest.
I am so happy it's springtime. I am deeply appreciative for some nice weather lately, cool enough that I have been able to spend some time outdoors, planting some green things and seeds that will probably die because I am the worst at gardening, but I still love to try.
I had a lovely, long conversation with one of my besties ("It's a tier!") last night, which filled my lungs with air.
I am grateful for my lovely husband, for our home, for my friends, for all the times they make me laugh, and for Dudley and Zelda.
I am also, as always, glad for this community. Anyone who wants to join me in another enormous virtual group hug is welcome.
How are you?
The Shaker HALP! Thread
Here is a thread to solicit advice on any subject or struggle we're experiencing on which some input from like-minded folks would be useful.
And because sometimes what we need is permission to go ahead and do what we've already decided is the best thing to do, if you need to ask for permission (which of course is validation and encouragement to give yourself permission), this is the place to do it.
As always, the guidance here is: Be supportive, not judgmental. If you're going to offer advice, make sure it's advice and not criticism.
Also: If you're someone seeking advice, and you've had your fill after a certain point, please feel welcome to note in-thread: "Thank you, that's all the advice I needed!"
Discussion Thread: Good Things
One of the ways we resist the demoralization and despair in which exploiters of fear like Trump thrive is to keep talking about the good things in our lives.
Because, even though it feels very much (and rightly so) like we are losing so many things we value, there are still daily moments of joy or achievement or love or empowering ferocity or other kinds of fulfillment.
Maybe you've experienced something big worth celebrating; maybe you've just had a precious moment of contentment; maybe getting out of bed this morning was a success worthy of mention.
News items worth celebrating are also welcome.
So, whatever you have to share that's good, here's a place to do it.
* * *
Dudley had a great follow-up with the vet after his dental surgery, and he's all clear to resume his normal ration of treats, about which he is very happy, which makes me happy!
And Zelda had a good appointment with the vet, too, and was an extremely good girl while he clipped her nails because he's got some kind of MAGIC that convinces her to let him do it and literally nobody else, including me, even after countless hours of desensitivity work, but I don't even care as long as those talons get trimmed, which also makes me happy!
My oldest friend, who has also lost three of his cats in the last few years, just rescued an all-black cat who is a very handsome, very shy boy — and doesn't even know yet that he just hit the cat jackpot!
This video of Taylor Swift meeting and adopting her new kitten is the best!
And SQUISHY SEAL!
Squishy seal pic.twitter.com/Z7lYFhEy29
— The Cute Plug (@TheCutePlug) April 20, 2019
