Logo for CBeeBies Bedtime Story. Cut to Tom Hardy sitting on a couch, wearing a pageboy hat, his dog Woodstock lying on his lap, wearing a top hat. They are surrounded by large plushy beasties.
Tom: Hello, I'm Tom, and this is Woody. And we've been invited to a very special party in tonight's bedtime story, and we've been told to wear a hat.
He takes off Woodstock's hat and puts it on a plush monkey.
Tom: Perfect. Tonight's story is called "You Must Bring a Hat," and is written by Simon Phillip, with pictures by Kate Hindley.
Over images from the children's book illustrating the story, Tom reads the text.
Tom: I received an invitation to a party. "You are cordially invited to the biggest, bestest, hattiest party of all time. Starts at five-thirty. Wide-brim house, 32 Panama Avenue, West Trilby. You may bring as many extra guests as you wish, but you must bring a hat. Kindest regards, Nigel, host and fanciest hat judge. P.S. Seriously, don't forget the hat. Party depends on it. P.P.S. Try not to be late this time."
Immediately, I panicked, because I didn't own a hat, and the invitation specifically stated that I must bring a hat. The party depended on it. I searched everywhere for a hat, but the only hat I could find belonged to a monkey.
He gestures at the plush monkey wearing Woodstock's hat.
Tom: "That is a lovely hat. Can I borrow it please?" "No!" "I really, really need a hat for a party. I will give it back." As he wouldn't negotiate, I was left with no choice; at least I had a hat, even if it was still attached to a monkey. But, on arrival, the security was pretty tight.
"Invitation, please!" said the doorman. Apparently, there were other rules, too. "Sorry, sir, but we're under strict instructions to not let in any hat-wearing monkeys unless they are also wearing a monocle."
Luckily, we soon bumped into a badger named Jeff, and he was just the sort of badger we required. "I do beg your pardon, chaps, but are you by any chance after a monocle?" "Indeed we are! We need it! It's for a party." "I will lend this monkey my monocle on the condition that I may accompany you to your shindig." "Mm!"
Back to the party.
"Invitation, please!" the doorman said again. "Sorry, sir, but we're under strict instructions not to let in any hat- and monocle-wearing monkeys if they are accompanied by a badger called Jeff. Unless Jeff can play the piano."
"Can you play the piano?" I asked. "Don't insult me! I'm a badger; of course I can!" "Jeff can play!" I said firmly. "I'm afraid we need to see that," the doorman replied.
Jeff plays the piano.
Jeff was good! But we still had a problem. "Sorry, sir, but we can't let this piano-lending elephant in; he's not wearing a tutu." Aw, it's just typical. There's never, ever a tutu around when you need one. But we sorted that problem surprisingly quickly. Surely now we'd be allowed in!
But we failed to notice the sign: "Under no circumstances is a tutu to be worn without the supervision of an accompanying penguin." Ahhhh!
Martin kindly helped us out, and, as he was a very clever penguin, we were already prepared for the next rule: All penguins accompanying pink tutu-wearing elephants must bring with them a suitcase full of cheese.
But, it turned out, the cheese needed to be sliced, and none of us had thought to bring a knife, had we? And that was when I broke. I said, "Look, these are the silliest rules I have ever heard! Nigel clearly stated on his invitation that I could bring anyone I wanted, so long as I brought a hat, and I brought a monkey in a hat, so technically I brought a hat!" And: "Nigel?" said the doorman. "Who's Nigel? This is Felicity's party."
"Oh, this isn't number 32?" "Next door." Oops. Still, Nigel's party was worth the hassle, even if we were a little bit late.
Scenes from Nigel's party.
Tom: *chuckles* Well, at least we got to the party in the end, and it was a lot of fun. And I don't think that I've ever danced with an elephant wearing a tutu before. Or have I?
All that partying, to be fair, has completely wore me out, and I'm sure you're feeling very sleepy, too. I will see you for another bedtime story. Sleep tight.
Posted by Melissa McEwan at Wednesday, January 04, 2017
Via Shaker mzbitca, who is a true American hero and patriot:
Labels: Tom Hardy