Primarily Speaking

image of a campaign poster for the 2012 Goat|Paperclip ticket, with the 2012 struck through and 2016 written above it

Goat|Paperclip was a popular ticket in 2012 (with nearly everyone), and I'm happy to announce that my top secret sources have informed me they are fixing to announce another run at the White House. Reportedly, they will announce their announcement to announce their official announcement to run later this week. You heard it here first!

In other primary news, here's what happening on the Democratic side of the aisle:

Former Governor of Maryland Martin O'Malley is fixing to mark a path to the White House straight through the NRA: "How many acts of violence do we have to endure as a people before we stand up to the congressional lobbyists of the National Rifle Association? How many more Americans have to die?" He also, to be clear, spoke about white supremacy. And while I'm not on board framing the AME Shooting as a gun control issue, I am pretty excited to see a Democratic candidate who is willing to shit all over the NRA!

Senator Bernie Sanders, who's now been given permission to use "Rockin' in the Free World" and presumably understands its meaning unlike some dipshits, drew a crowd of 5,000 to an event in Denver. That's 5,000 times the number of attendees pulled by some other dipshits!

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has just hired Betsaida Alcantara, a senior advisor to Julian Castro at the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development. Alcantara, who will serve as Clinton's director of media planning, is "the fourth high-profile Latina hire by the Clinton campaign, joining national political director Amanda Renteria, Nevada director Emmy Ruiz, and director of coalitions press Xochitl Hinojosa." She's also leading literally everyone in pointlessly early polling.

Former Republican Lincoln Chafee attended a Flag Day picnic on June 14 at the Sandwich, New Hampshire, home of Richard and Ruth Stuart on the banks of Squam Lake. That sounds fun!

* * *

On the Republican side of the aisle, I will just reiterate that there are now TWELVE PEOPLE RUNNING. Twelve. And the election is still a year and a half away. Which means more people will run. More than the TWELVE already running.

Anyway. Here's the baker's dozen of bozos, in alphabetical order, and what they're up to lately, besides the constant non-news of their all being comprehensively terrible at all fucking times:

Former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush published a piece on Medium about how President Obama isn't taking cybersecurity seriously and proposes we be more like Estonia. Sure.

Dr. Ben Carson, as mentioned, thinks his GOP rivals are racist cowards, basically. Which is accurate.

[CN: Homophobia] Senator Ted Cruz vows to keep fighting against same-sex marriage even if the Supreme Court legalizes it, because he is terrific, and also may torch the President's trade deal at the last minute by switching his vote, because he loves seeing his name in the press more than anything.

[CN: Misogyny] Corporate power-failure Carly Fiorina still can't stop talking about Hillary Clinton, making her case that she deserves to be included in the GOP debates because, as the only woman in the GOP field, she "is in a unique position to attack the likely Democrat nominee, Hillary Clinton." Note that the argument is about attacking Clinton, not Clinton's policies. Because of course it is.

Senator Lindsey Graham has changed his mind about the Confederate flag, because PRINCIPLES!, and this headline definitely says SHIFTS.

screen cap of a Politico article on Graham changing position, featuring an image of Lindsey Graham and a headline reading: 'Lindsey Graham shifts on Confederate flag'

[CN: Homophobia; racism; appropriation] Professor of Bible Bigotry Mike Huckabee just continues to fucking outdo himself in the WORST CLOWN IN THE CLOWN CAR department: "Yesterday, Mike Huckabee sent a letter to Religious Right leaders warning that a ruling in favor of marriage equality from the Supreme Court would be just as 'backwards' and 'broken' as rulings which 'rationalized the destruction of human life, defined African Americans as property and justified Japanese-American internment camps.' 'I refuse to sit silently as politically driven interest groups threaten the foundation of religious liberty, criminalize Christianity, and demand that Americans abandon Biblical principles of natural marriage,' Huckabee continued. 'I will fight to defend religious liberty at all costs.'" This fucking guy.

Former Governor of New York George Pataki presumably continues to be a human being who is running for President of the United States, but I am not sure since this appears to be the only thing written about him in about a month. Cool campaign, George Pataki! You're doing GREAT!

Senator Rand Paul something something flat tax omg shut up.

Former Governor of Texas Rick Perry just continues to say the most incredibly stupid things: Fox News host Chris Wallace asks him, "More than 1 in 5 Texans didn't have health coverage, and yet you refused to set up a state exchange under Obamacare; you refused to expand Medicaid. I mean, is that looking out for the little guy when 21 percent of Texans didn't have health insurance?" And Perry responds, "That's not how we keep score. I think it's a fallacy to say access to health care is all about insurance." YOU ARE A WRECK RICK PERRY GO TAKE A NAP.

Senator Marco Rubio is apparently regarded as the only meaningful challenger to Jeb Bush. (At least as long as Scott Walker isn't in the race.) I mean, I guess. His policies are pretty much the same as every other one of these bozos', but he does manage to seem less offensive about it most of the time.

[CN: Homophobia] Sweatervest aficionado Rick Santorum, along with his BFF Huckabee, has signed a pledge authored by Texas pastor Rick Scarborough that describes same-sex parenting as "unconscionable and destructive" and a threat to children's "security, stability, and future." Fuck fuck fuck off.

[CN: Racism; cartoon violence] Billionaire buffoon Donald Trump is being sold in piñata form after his shitty comments about Mexican people in his campaign announcement speech. Something something free market, right Trump?

Phew! That's everyone! I did it! *takes victory lap*

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take a nap for one thousand years.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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