Primarily Speaking

image of a cartoon clown car with a US flag background and text reading GOP 2016

In what has to be my favorite news item of the 2016 Primary Parade of Clowns, Fox News announced yesterday that it will "winnow the field of participants in the first Republican debate of the 2016 presidential campaign" by requiring "contenders to place in the top 10 in an average of the five most recent national polls in the run-up to the event."

SORRY REPUBLICANS WE DON'T HAVE A STAGE BIG ENOUGH FOR ALL OF YOU AND WE ONLY HAVE TEN PODIUMS. So good luck in the polling, and hope you make the top ten out of the fully one million candidates currently running!

As it is, ten debaters basically means that each contender's responses will have to be limited to like two seconds, if they want to get more than four questions asked. Luckily, Republicans don't actually give a shit about policy, and two seconds is plenty of time to shout: "JESUS! TAXES! WAR! NO HOMO!" as loudly as possible.

In other news about the kool kandidates in the Republican clown car: Senator Rand Paul filibustered the renewal of the Patriot Act for 10.5 hours last night. Because he is all about freedom. Except for marriage and abortion. THERE ARE LIMITS, PEOPLE.

Speaking of FREEDOM: Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, who is fixing to jump into the clown car any day now, issued an executive order to uphold "religious freedom" in the state, i.e. give homobigots the right to discriminate. Said Jindal: "This is even bigger than marriage. It's the right to live your lives 24 hours a day, seven days a week, according to your sincerely held religious beliefs." Okay.

Speaking of gay rights, Senator Ted Cruz gave a supercool answer [content note: description of violence at link] to being asked about gay rights by reporters, first asking if "the left" is "obsessed with sex," and then admonishing a reporter: "With respect, I would suggest not drawing your questions from MSNBC. They have very few viewers and they are a radical and extreme partisan outlet." HAHA PERFECT ANSWER.

Speaking of perfect: If you have ONE MILLION DOLLARS to donate to Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker's superPAC, you will get so many sweet perks! "Twice-a-year retreats, members-only briefings, weekly email updates, members-only conference calls, a dedicated staff contact, two private dinners with 'VIP Special Guest(s),' inclusion in 'all public/regional fundraising events,' and a special 'Executive Board Member' pin." That sounds amazing! IF ONLY I WERE A MILLIONAIRE SO I COULD GET THAT PIN!

On the other side of the aisle: Senator Bernie Sanders blew Wolf Blitzer's mind (admittedly, not a difficult task) by proposing that the government tax the wealthy to make college free. "But Blitzer still seemed a little confused by the idea: 'So you want to raise taxes?'" LOL!

Something something Hillary Clinton something something emails something something Benghazi. No one go near Rep. Darrell Issa's office for awhile. He's...busy.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Shakesville is run as a safe space. First-time commenters: Please read Shakesville's Commenting Policy and Feminism 101 Section before commenting. We also do lots of in-thread moderation, so we ask that everyone read the entirety of any thread before commenting, to ensure compliance with any in-thread moderation. Thank you.

blog comments powered by Disqus