The Walking Thread

[Content Note: Violence; rape culture. Spoilers are lurching around undeadly herein.]

image of Dr. Mulletsworth standing on top of a fire engine about to shoot a hose being held at crotch level
Insert all the jokes here.

Was this the worst ever episode of The Walking Dead? MAYBE! It's certainly a strong contender! I definitely hated it A WHOLE LOT!

After spending last week with Beth at Indentured Servitude Asylum, we give Grimes Gang another week's rest by catching up with the Doctor Mulletsworth Gang—now comprised of Doctor Mulletsworth, Sgt. Red Bull, Rosita Espinoza, Tara, Maggie, and Glenn—who are still heading to Washington, DC, so Doctor Mulletsworth can save the world.

He is an unlikely (VERY unlikely, in case you hadn't NOTICED!) hero with strange hair. And his strange hair prominently features in this episode, which opens with Rosita Espinoza pawing at Sgt. Red Bull's ginger locks and telling him he needs a haircut, to which he responds by telling her that one day soon she'll be able to shave him smooth like a dolphin. Gross.

Suddenly the bus in which they're traveling has a mechanical failure, and the bus skids then flips over. OH NOES! I hope everyone isn't dead! Ha ha of course they are not dead, because we are three nanoseconds into this episode, and this show hates real tension like Doctor Mulletsworth hates suggestions that he should get a haircut!

We flash back to Sgt. Red Bull's origin story, and my head immediately almost rolls off my shoulders from boredom. Although this entire origin story happens in segments throughout the entire episode, as if it's interesting enough to stand as its own secondary story, I will give you the whole summary now: Sgt. Red Bull was married to a lady and they had two kids. He had to murder the fuck out of some dudes with a soup can to protect them, and, freaked out by his display of wanton violence, they bugged out, leaving behind a note telling him not to go looking for them. He goes looking for them, and finds them dead. RIP characters we don't care about in the slightest. Sgt. Red Bull is just about to kill himself when Doctor Mulletsworth comes fast-walking toward him screaming for help, zombies in pursuit. Sgt. Red Bull offs them, then Doctor Mulletsworth secures Sgt. Red Bull's protection by telling him he's on a very important mission.

You might be thinking: "That does not sound particularly informative or interesting. Surely you have left something out." I assure you I have not.

Back at the overturned bus, everyone has survived. "Phew! I was so worried!"—Literally no one. A bunch of zombies descend, and they kill them. Tara nicely tells Doctor Mulletsworth to get his shit together and be brave. Gee, we all think, it's sure lucky he's got the cure to the zombiepocalypse in his brainz so he has protectors, since he's SO FUCKING USELESS!

Eventually, Doctor Mulletsworth manages to stab one zombie to save Tara. Huzzah. Give the brave boy a cookie.

The bus is now in flames, because of course it is, and Doctor Mulletsworth wants to head back to rejoin Grimes Gang (HEY THAT SEEMS SUSPICIOUS TO ME BUT NOT TO ANYONE WHO IS RISKING THEIR LIVES TO PROTECT HIM), but Sgt. Red Bull insists they walk forth. So they do. The man has spoken.

Up the road a ways, they find an abandoned bookstore and make camp for the night. Over low, manly humming, there is a montage of them setting up camp and burning books to make a fire. Neat!

Sgt. Red Bull and Glenn have a manly conversation about manly things in virtual darkness. It is a scene I can barely see and barely bother listening to, and it doesn't even matter. Finally, Glenn tells Sgt. Red Bull to go get some sleep, because he's on second watch, and Sgt. Red Bull says he will, but he's gotta "get some ass first." This fucking show.

Cut to Sgt. Red Bull and Rosita Espinoza doing it, while Doctor Mulletsworth watches them from the self-help section. (Get it?! Ho ho oh this show. So delightful!) Rosita Espinoza complains about it, and Sgt. Red Bull laughs and tells her Doctor Mulletsworth is harmless. NOT REALLY THE POINT, PAL.

Tara catches Doctor Mulletsworth being a creeper, and tells him to knock it off, but he tells her he considers it "a victimless crime." Even though he can hear Rosita Espinoza saying it makes her uncomfortable. OH OKAY THEN.

Tara moves on to more important topics, like thanking Doctor Mulletsworth for saving her life, and giving him a cool pep talk. To which he responds by confessing he sabotaged the bus because he's afraid of failing when they get to DC and making everyone mad. RED FLAG! RED FLAG!

Tara pets him and gives him a biscuit. Basically. He says he doesn't know why he told her that, and she says I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP, "I do. Welcome to the human race, asshole." And then they fist-bump.


Maggie and Glenn have a throwaway conversation about how they shouldn't feel guilty for having abandoned Grimes Gang to join their new garbage crew, because it's nice to look forward to something. OH SHIT. That is called "foreshadowing," kids. In case you didn't already know that by being hit over the head with FORESHADOWS for the previous 40 minutes or so.

And, btw, Maggie: No, you should not feel guilty for wanting to be with a little more forward-looking group of weirdos, but maybe you should feel a little guilty about not caring about or mentioning or mourning your missing sister, whose entire existence you appear to have forgotten. Whooooops!

Bippity-bop the next morning, Sgt. Red Bull declares they're rolling out of town on a fire engine just sitting in the street across the bookstore. Blah blah it starts just long enough to roll forward a few feet and unblock a door, out of which comes pouring a bunch of zombies. Fight fight fight. Kill kill kill. Spray spray spray with the firehose.

(I'm not even going to try to tease out the gross metaphorical implications of a zombie horde in Georgia being firehosed into submission by an entire not-black group of people.)

Blah blah down the road, the firetruck breaks down OH MY GOD. Down the road is a superstench, which turns out to be fully an army of CGI zombies waiting to destroy them. Sgt. Red Bull, who is losing his mind, declares they're going through, and everyone else is like THE FUCK WE ARE, BRO.

It comes to blows, and, to stop the fighting, the very sensitive Doctor Mulletsworth finally shouts, "I'm not a scientist!"

And everyone freezes and looks at Doctor Mulletsworth and says, "Ehhya?!" like a bunch of Tims Allen.

At which point, Doctor Mulletsworth probably realized he should have said, "I'm pregnant!" Or anything else at all. But he's committed to the "not a scientist" thing, aka THE TRUTH, so he blurt-babbles his whole story about how he's weak and pathetic, so he invented a story about being a scientist so that people would protect him and get him to DC where he imagined humans would have the best chance of survival. But he started having second thoughts, and that's why he sabotaged the bus etc.

Sgt. Red Bull punches him and he falls to the pavement. Everyone runs to Doctor Mulletsworth to console him (?!), while Sgt. Red Bull collapses to his knees and sobs.


Oh, and also Doctor Mulletsworth lied when he said some dude liked his haircut.


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