"Something something rousing speech! You should definitely listen to me because I have excellent judgment! Just look at my taste in men, which is pretty much PERFECT!"
(Spoilers are lurching around undeadly herein. CN: Violence.)
The Walking Dead returned last night, and I hope everyone enjoyed this excellent episode that was definitely up to the usual standards of this great show which, if anything, is almost TOO GOOD.
We picked up right where we left off, with Daryl and Merle facing off against one another—brother to fucking brother, y'all!—in Unpleasantville: Beyond Thunderdome! It was cool how I already knew that Daryl was going to be okay, because of the huge spoiler that revealed he would be okay. Where did I see that stupid huge spoiler again...? OH RIGHT AT THE END OF THE LAST EPISODE.
Anyway. Daryl and Merle manage to save themselves with the cunning use of flailing, with an assist from their pals in Grimes Gang 1.0. They all run away, and the sun rises instantly, and Merle can't STFU, even though literally everyone tells him to STFU. In a rare moment of good decision-making, Grimes pistolwhips him, and we get a moment of peace from the constant stream of garbage that pours out Merle's mouth hole.
Daryl uses that moment to inform Grimes Gang 1.0 that he's going to run off into the woods with Merle, prompting Grimes to say the most sensible thing he has ever said: "What about Carol?" Daryl responds that she'll understand, because sure, Carol has only lost every single person important to her, so she's like an Old Hand at understanding things.
Things immediately go back to normal, as Grimes immediately starts being shitty to Michonne, whose capacity to murder the fuck out of everything in sight with her katana is incapacitated every time she's near Grimes. He's like Kryptonite. Except wayyyyyyy more annoying.
Glenn takes out some aggression on a zombie skull (which looks like "zombie skunk" in my handwritten notes, and how cool would that be?), and starts looking at Maggie like she's broken garbage because she was sexually assaulted by Governor
Meanwhile, back in Unpleasantville, there is UNREST! An Unpleasantvillager is bitten by a walker, and everyone stands around wondering what to do. Governor Cyclops strides out of his lair and shoots the dude in the head, then strides back to his lair. And I LOL FOREVER. This show is a comedy, right? This show is definitely a comedy.
Andrea follows Governor Cyclops back to his lair and demands accountability, talking to him like he might be a reasonable human being instead of a ridiculous garbage monster, because Andrea is the most nonsensical character ever written for a major television series. And I'm literally including every character on Dexter in that assessment, so.
Back at Grimes Jail, Carl the Hat is reigning with a tiny, imperious fist. His hat has fused to his head and is strangling his brain. He keeps Tyreese and Sasha and Two White Dudes locked up, leaving their fate to the Solomon-like wisdom of his father. And by Solomon-like, obviously I mean that he will probably propose cutting his baby in half at some point.
Speaking of which, Traveling Grimes Gang 1.0 finally returns to Grimes Jail, and they are reunited with Carl the Hat, Pegleg Pershel, Carol, Teenage Blond Girl, and the baby, who starts screaming instantly upon being placed in Grimes' arms. PERFECT ASSESSMENT, BABY! They should make her their new leader immediately.
Meanwhile, back in Unpleasantville, Andrea gives a shitty peptalk to the townies. And they are all very stupid, so they are super impressed.
Back at Grimes Jail, Hershel gives shitty peptalks to Glenn and Maggie. Shut up, Hershel. Your soft, pleading voice is making me want to throw myself down a zombie well! JUST SHUT UP!
Grimes Gang has a confab about how they're a black guy down, so Grimes decides to interview Tyreese for the position. The interview is, however, interrupted by Lori's ghost, who appears to be wearing a Vera Wang wedding gown. Grimes is obviously losing what little of his fucking mind there is left to lose, which should probably suggest to the Grimes Gang that continuing to follow this screwball is MAYBE NOT THE BEST IDEA, but instead they will probably determine that he is a wizard and follow him EVEN HARDER.
The Ricktatorship is itself like a zombie. It will never die unless you smash its head into oblivion with a shovel. And by "its head," I mean Grimes. And by "smash it into oblivion with a shovel," I mean smash him into oblivion with a shovel.
And elect that baby!