Film Corner!

[Content Note: Quoted gendered slurs; descriptions of tokenism and violence.]

Below, the trailer for The Internship, a zany romp from the comedy duo of Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson, who have previously brought us such masterpieces as Wedding Crashers and Starsky & Hutch. (They also appeared in Zoolander together, but no one remembers that Vince Vaughn was in that. Not even Vince Vaughn. Don't worry—I asked him.) Anyway! The Internship is about "two salesmen whose careers have been torpedoed by the digital age [who] find their way into a coveted internship at Google, where they must compete with a group of young, tech-savvy geniuses for a shot at employment."

Perfect premise. Almost TOO perfect. I mean, this movie is for everyone: People who like Vince Vaughn, people who like Owen Wilson, people who like computers, the sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads—they all adore it. They think it's a righteous concept.

It's destined to be the e-film of our iGeneration. To the trailer!

Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson are lords of sales! They wear fancy garbage suits and drive around in a slick convertible and listen to rap music while getting PUMPED UP to go sell watches to some dude who informs them that their company has been closed. Ha ha whoooooooops! Nobody told them their company has been closed! That is what they call COMEDY, friends.

"Nobody's Buying," reads text onscreen.

They confront their boss, John Goodman, who is obviously wearing a Hawaiian shirt because why wouldn't he be. "Everything's computerized now!" he tells them, which definitely explains everything. We've all heard the tragic stories about the watch salesmen whose lives have been upended by COMPUTERIZATION thirty years ago. You know what they should have called this movie? Death of a Salesman. That would have been such a cool title.

Owen Wilson counters by observing that "people have a deep mistrust of machines" and wants to know if John Goodman has seen Terminator, which is the point at which I begin to wonder just how much comedy gold can be packed into one movie.

"This Summer," reads text onscreen.

Cut to footage of Vince Vaughn's fingers literally typing G-O-O-G-L-E on a keyboard and staring at the Google webpage. LOL! Who directed this—Fellini?!

"I've got it!" Vince Vaughn tells Owen Wilson. "Google." He says the word like it is the answer to life, the universe, and everything. "You got us a job at Google?!" says Owen Wilson, in a suuuuuuuper Owen Wilsony way. Vince Vaughn tells him it's more like an interview for an internship that could lead to a job. Owen Wilson looks disappointed, but Vince Vaughn tells him straight-up: "This might be the last chance that we got."

Here I want to pause to note how really sort of vile I find a couple of multimillionaires, in the midst of a pervasive employment crisis, making a fun comedy movie about middle-aged men whose "last chance" is an unpaid internship. (See also: Larry Crowne.) OMG WE HAVE NO OPTIONS! HILARITY ENSUES!

I know, I know. I am the Most Humorless Feminist in all of Nofunnington and I will show myself out!

Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson do a joint interview (sure) via webcam to apply for the internship (yep), and they have no idea how COMPUTERIZATION works, so they squeeze in together and shout at the screen (naturally), to be sure the people interviewing them can see and hear them. HA HA THESE GUYS! Inexplicably, they get the not-a-job job.

Cut to the Google campus, where Aasif Mandvi (because Asian nerdz, amirite?) is leading an orientation session, and Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson don't know shit about shit. Don't worry, everyone—I'm sure the fact that Vince Vaughn doesn't know to not use a Sharpie on a wipe-board is really just a secret clue that he's got the sort of INSTINCTS and SAVVY that only being a douche who sells luxury watches can give a man, which are ultimately way more important than COMPUTERIZATION even at an outlet like Google.

Just you wait!

"They're Teaming Up," reads text onscreen, wayyyyyyy past when we even remembered they were doing the intersperse-text-with-footage thing.

A nerd holds out his fist to fist-bump Vince Vaughn and tells V-Square "Come on, bro, fist me! Get up in there!" Oh my aching sides.

"And Playing The Game," reads text onscreen, as "Paradise City" by Guns N' Roses begins to play, because no doy it does.

Something something scene of a young intern observing how old Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson are, while they are all wearing rainbow propeller caps with the Google logo. How much do you think Google paid to be in this movie? Good investment, Google! You wouldn't have wanted Bing to get in on this action!

"By Their Own Rules," reads text onscreen. They're mavericks, y'all! And I am falling asleep now. GET TO THE GODDAMN MONTAGERY ALREADY.

All the interns are competing in teams in some sort of Mr. Mom-style backyard Olympics. Vince Vaughn gives his team the worst inspirational speech ever, referencing the film Flashdance. I wish Jennifer Beals would dump so much water on my head right now.

Vince Vaughn gets people cheering. Owen Wilson hits on a girl. Aasif Mandvi asks the orientation room if having a beer with your boss is a good idea. Everyone answers no but our two heroes. Aasif Mandvi tells Vince Vaughn he "will not be grabbing a cold one with you," to which Vince Vaughn responds by asking, "Do you get high?"

The mean interns send Vince Vaughn on a hunt for Professor Charles Xavier. And because these two bozos were too busy selling watches and watching Terminator to be aware of any of the X-Men movies, they look for a professor at Stanford who resembles THE ACTION FIGURE sitting on a desk at Google and harass a bald white man in a wheelchair, who punches both of them. I AM SORRY BUT NO VINCE VAUGHN AND OWEN WILSON ARE BARELY OLDER THAN I AM AND THEY GODDAMN WELL KNOW WHAT AN ACTION FIGURE IS AND THAT THEY DON'T MAKE ACTION FIGURES OF STANFORD PROFESSORS.

The end.

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