Georgia's Very Serious Wannabe Senators

[Content Note: Misogyny, classism, racism, reproductive coercion, Christian supremacy.]

The news that Georgia Republican Saxby Chambliss will be leaving the Senate has launched great speculation as to which Georgia Republican will run for his seat in 2014. Hint: When the Atlanta Journal Constitution reports that superconservative Chambliss has been taking "considerable heat from Republicans’ right wing," you know it's not going to be pretty.

Roswell Republican U.S. Rep. Tom Price was already making calls to Republicans around the state Friday to build support.

I am glad we have a serious candidate! Tom Price is pro-family and pro-freedom and pro-American! And also: pro-proto-American! Because fetuses definitely have rights under the 14th Amendment. However, already-born children who happen to be poor do not need health care, and their parents don't need sick leave. Because government-protected sick leave is an "intrusion of the federal government into the benefits and policies of millions of companies"! And speaking of government intrusion, gun regulation is also definitely bad. But warrantless wiretapping is definitely good! I can see why Tom Price is a top contender. His natural constituency of gun-toting fetuses in wiretapped wombs will surely propel him to victory!

Then there's this guy:

Savannah U.S. Rep. Jack Kingston, the longest-serving congressional Republican in the state, also might jump in...

Awesome! Jack Kingston, you may recall, says he won't accept evolution as credible until someone shows him the "missing link!" I am always super-excited by a Senator who bases science policy on the latest episode of Finding Bigfoot, but it gets even better. Kingston's knowledge of SCIENCE! leads him to conclude that we don't need the government to keep our food safe. As long as we wash the Invisible Hand with plenty of soap and water, everything will be just fine!

Also, gay marriage is wrong because the drinking age isn't 18. Or polygamy. Or SCIENCE! Or something. You are very cool, Rep. Kingston! I feel totally comfortable having you in a position of power.

But wait! There are MORE excellent Republicans thinking of running? MY CUP RUNNETH OVER! (With garbage, but still, that's technically "running over," right?)

U.S. Rep. Paul Broun of Athens had already been thinking about running against Chambliss in a primary.

Broun is another science genius, who has criticized evolutionary theory and embryology in measured terms as "lies from the pit of hell." Obviously, he sits on the House Science, Space and Technology Committee. OBVIOUSLY!

Broun's statescraft also extends to suggesting that Obama's proposed national service corps is "exactly what Hitler did in Nazi Germany and it’s exactly what the Soviet Union did." Anyone who knows that Marxism and Nazism are the same gets extra science points in my book, because POLITICAL SCIENCE! I am sure everyone in Athens, home to the University of Georgia, is keenly excited to be represented by such a scholar.

And that is not the end of the fine, fine, Republican field that is currently scrambling to replace fellow G.O.P.-er loathsome liberal Saxby Chambliss.

Chambliss’ exit adds U.S. Reps. Phil Gingrey of Marietta, Lynn Westmoreland of Coweta County and Tom Graves of Ranger to the discussion. All of them left the door open Friday to running.

What a great bunch of guys!

Phil Gingrey: another SCIENCE! expert who recently assured us Todd Akin was partly right about "legitimate" rape! You are clearly an electoral genius, Mr. Gingrey. Because Todd Akin's rape remarks are both morally brilliant and politically popular! Great, great thinking.

Lynn Westmoreland: a marvelous fella who called the Obamas "uppity" but totally not in a racist way! He didn't even know that was racist. And hey, I totally believe that he grew up in Atlanta in the 50s and 60s but never heard the term "uppity" used in a racist sense. You are clearly very observant of the world around you, Mr. Westmoreland! And so very, very not-racist that you voted to build a fence on the Mexican border. You are the most Not-Racist of all the Not-Racists in Not-Raciston!

Tom Graves: a swell dude who is very serious about budgets and the government's fiscal responsibility: "If the Senate again fails to pass a budget, they will have their pay withheld...The American people expect and deserve that kind of accountability." However, Tom Graves is much less serious about his own fiscal responsibilities. That's the bank's fault! Whoooops Tom Graves are you perhaps not a monetary mastermind? OH WELL! We should still follow your very serious plans to reduce the national debt by defunding Planned Parenthood while continuing war in Afghanistan! That math will definitely work, and Mr. Graves is definitely, definitely Very Serious.

Honestly, I don't see how the Georgia GOP could come up with a finer field of candidates. I will note, however, that my dog is very disappointed that they haven't called her. She's charming and personable, and, as a bonus, doesn't talk bigoted, ignorant, risible shit about topics she clearly doesn't understand. Oh well. Perhaps she's overqualified.