Get Ready, Everyone!

Presidential debates can often be pretty dry affairs. Sure, you get the occasional memorable moment in great president-debating like "Need some wood?" (how the eff is that not on YouTube?), but mostly it's just a bunch of boring boringpantses regurgitating their boring focus-group tested answers to boring questions about boring stuff like whether they will protect, or totally demolish into tiny wee little unreconstitutable pieces of sadness, programs like Social Security.

BUT NOT THIS YEAR! Not if Willard "Mitt" Romney has anything to say about it!

In a conference room at the Democratic headquarters, President Obama has been preparing for the debate next week, but the reviews of his staff are already in. Too long, they tell him. Cut that answer. Give crisper explanations. No one wants a professor; they want a president.

Hundreds of miles away in New England, Mitt Romney's team has been working to make sure he avoids coming off as a scold. His sparring partner, Senator Rob Portman of Ohio, channeling Mr. Obama, has gone after him repeatedly, to the point of being nasty. The goal is to get Mr. Romney agitated and then teach him how to keep his composure, look presidential.

...Mr. Romney's team has concluded that debates are about creating moments and has equipped him with a series of zingers that he has memorized and has been practicing on aides since August.

Zingers! Cool! I love zingers. Who doesn't love zingers? They're so zingy!

And if I know anything about zingers, the one way to make them really zing is by rehearsing them for months.

That makes them sound EXTRA spontaneous!

I wonder if Team Romney has considered filing a request to relocate the debate to Skadoodlies Komedy Klub? That would make it super presidential and shit.