Film Corner!

[Content Note: Police brutality; rape culture.]

Below, the trailer for the EAGERLY ANTICIPATED Magic Mike, a film which is supposedly based on Channing Tatum's former career as a male stripper? Or something? I guess? But in this movie the guy wants to make furniture? Not be an actor? You know what, I'm not going to think about this too hard. Here is the official description of the film:

A dramatic comedy set in the world of male strippers, "Magic Mike" is directed by Academy Award® winner Steven Soderbergh ("Traffic") and stars Channing Tatum in the title role. The film follows Mike as he takes a young dancer called The Kid (Alex Pettyfer) under his wing and schools him in the fine arts of partying, picking up women, and making easy money. Also starring Matthew McConaughey, Matt Bomer, Joe Mangianello, Olivia Munn, Riley Keough, Cody Horn and Adam Rodriguez. "Magic Mike" hits theaters June 29.

Sounds terrific! Roll the video!


Ominous music. Two cops arrive at a house where a party is going on. A young woman answers the door nervously. "Good evening. You live here?" asks Officer Channing Tatum, shining a flashlight in the young woman's face. "Yeah," she replies nervously. He backs her into the house and announces that they've been getting complaints of noise and underage drinking.

More ominous music. Officer C-Tates tells everyone to sit down. He pushes up behind the young woman and pins her against the mantle. "You don't have anything sharp on you that I can stick myself with, do you?" The girl replies, "No," nervously. "Good," says Officer C-Tates, ripping off his pants. "Cuz I do!" The one million white girls in the house scream! WOOOOOOOOOOO! Party music!

Ha ha now those terrifying scenes of what looked like imminent police brutality are HILARIOUS! Wheeeeeee!

Officer C-Tates, who I'm BEGINNING TO SUSPECT ISN'T EVEN A REAL POLICE OFFICER YOU GUYS, is a stripped named Magic Mike and he has lots of money. Cash business. He also has lots of fans, and all of them are hot women. This is definitely what being a male stripper is like FOR SURE.

Over a montage of Magic Mike doing his stripper-breakdancing-gymnastics magic routine (sure) for lots of screaming women, we get some Male Stripper 101: "You are the husband that they never had! You are that dreamboat guy that never came along!" That is good information. I often fantasize about being married to a Cirque du Soleil rope-spinning dreamboat stripper who spits fire while breakdancing in a castoff costume from Solarbabies. This movie knows me, y'all.

"But Mike wants something more." O RLY? That's weird. I've never heard of a man who wants more than money and women before. I bet a MEN'S RIGHTS ACTIVIST wrote this movie to challenge the pervasive assumption, mostly held by MAN-HATING FEMINISTS, that men want more than wealth and fucking ladies! THANK GOD.

What more does Magic C-Tates want? He wants wealth from making fancy customized furniture and wants to fuck A SPECIFIC LADY, who is obviously his friend's sister no doy. See, feminists, this is why you need men to tell men's stories: So they can break down stereotypes about men wanting money and women, when what they really want is money and a woman.

Requisite montage of Magic C-Tates and Desirable Sister getting to know each other, not liking each other, kind of liking each other, flirting, and oh yeeeeeahhhhhh she's gonna nurture his ass into a fulfilling career and true love! BUT WAIT! What is this STUNNING REVERSAL? She just can't deal with his "lifestyle"! OH NO!

Oh, look, here's Matthew McConaughey, whose presence literally makes this film perfect.

Also: This film is so yellow. I think it might have been filmed through a butterscotch wrapper.

Magic Mike! Dancing its way into a theater near you this summer.