Blog Note

Commenting will be closed for the weekend while we work on resolving the commenting issue. At some point(s), the blog may appear to be offline. I appreciate your patience, and my apologies for the inconvenience.

UPDATE: Please note that some comments threads appear to be open, but comments left in them during this process will be lost. I will let you know when commenting has been fully restored.

UPDATE 2: Well, I'm going to be blunt about this: Disqus, despite explicitly promising us weekend support to migrate comments and solve the international commenting problem, has failed to respond to a single email or tweet the entire weekend. The migration to the custom domain is not working, and we need their assistance, but we're not getting it. We're in a holding pattern until they decide to respond to our multiple requests for help. I am extremely frustrated and disappointed with this situation, and I apologize again for the inconvenience.

I hope commenting will be back online soon.

UPDATE 3: It looks like we're slowly getting there. However, I am aware that many of you are receiving unrequested emails notifying you when you were mentioned in a comment, and I am sorry for that. I have notified Disqus of the problem. I am truly embarrassed by the way this has been handled, and I hope that issue will get resolved soon as well.

UPDATE 4: 9:00am CT. I am still waiting for a confirmation from Disqus that the migration is complete and commenting is fully functional again. But, aside from the email late last night telling me "We will send you a message as soon as we have more information about what happened to your migration, and what we can do to finish it," they have again ceased communications.

I am disinclined to post new content until I have been assured everything is working and new threads will function properly, so I've got content sitting in the queue, but am still waiting on Disqus.

UPDATE 5: 11:00am CT. It has been 48 hours since we launched the migration. I still have received no support or communication from Disqus except for a single email and single tweet, both promising follow-up. There has been no follow-up.

UPDATE 6: 12:00pm CT. I have received an email from Disqus letting me know they're working on it and "hope to have a solution soon." I have requested frequent updates, which I will pass on, provided I get them.

I have also tried to respond to every email and tweet I've gotten from community members wondering what's going on. If I missed any, my apologies.

UPDATE 7: 1:00pm CT. I have no updates to share. My email requesting updates, sent more than an hour ago, has not been acknowledged.

UPDATE 8: 2:45pm CT. I have finally heard back from Disqus, who have told me that Shakesville's migration will have to be run again. Support is awaiting confirmation from Operations to get the go-ahead. I have requested an ETA on when the migration will be run again and an estimate on how long the migration will take once it begins, but have not yet received a response.

Additionally, I have been told that it's possible to publish new comment with open threads, but, in the same email, I was informed that the large number of Shakesville's comments is the cause of various problems. So I have sought confirmation that the migration will not be affected even if there is a deluge of comments in the new threads, as I don't want to end up delaying the migration even longer, and then hearing after the fact that I shouldn't have opened comments.

Again, my apologies for the delay, and I will keep you posted.

UPDATE 9: 4:00pm CT. I have received no further updates from Disqus. It has been more than an hour since I requested via email an ETA on the completion of the migration. I have received no response, not even a simple but honest "I don't know." The basic communication failure over the past three days is truly shocking.

As is the lack of accountability: In the last email I received, almost two hours ago now, I was told that part of the delay is because it's "necessary for us to appropriately time troubleshooting/restart of your migration" because of Shakesville's size. But:

1. I worked with Disqus Support over the last two weeks to trouble-shoot a test migration, and made it abundantly clear that the Shakesville migration was planned for this weekend, even securing the commitment from Disqus for weekend support, which was not honored. Never at any point did anyone from Disqus suggest to me that Shakesville's migration should be scheduled because of the blog's size.

2. Disqus' migration tool does not indicate that larger blogs should contact Disqus to schedule.

What pre-coordination did happen was at my initiative, because I wanted this to go smoothly. So to now get emails from Disqus implying that this extraordinary delay is somehow down to my failure to schedule with Disqus, or even down to the size of the blog, when I was coordinating with Support leading up to this migration, has made me very unhappy.

And I frankly want this community to know that I did everything I could to avoid exactly what's happening today. I know that many of you depend on this community for everything from news to escapism to moral support in times of crisis, and while I realize that it's mostly just an aggravation when we're offline, I also take seriously the value of the space, especially to its regular commenters. I am very sorry for the interruption in service.

UPDATE 10: 5:30pm CT. The latest update from Disqus: "It may be another couple hours before this delay clears up and we can take a look at your migration. The engineer working on it feels confident he can fix it once he is able to start running it again. As for how long it will take, it's hard to say, but we will try to get a more concrete estimate from our engineering team once the migration starts."

So, two hours after requesting an ETA, I am being told it will be another couple hours before they can give me one. I don't even know what else to say at this point.

UPDATE 11: 7:00pm CT. About an hour ago, I received an estimate of 6-12 hours for the migration to be complete. I asked for the following clarification: "Is that estimate 6-12 hours from now, or 6-12 hours from when the migration is restarted? If the latter, when do you anticipate it will be restarted?" I have not received a response.

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

The Virtual Pub Is Open

[Explanations: Girl on Fire. lol your fat. pathetic anger bread. hey your gay.]

TFIF, Shakers!

Belly up to the bar,
and name your poison!

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Photo of the Day

Restore America's Promise to go to Ikea and get some affordable decorative elements.

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Scratch That

The desk in my office, at which I spend most of my waking hours, is about 15 years old, and it has, in that decade and a half, accumulated lots of scratches. Some of them appeared after moves—the desk had a home in at least three different flats before this house—but most of them are the result of living in a home with cats who love to sprawl on the desktop, and often resist when I try to shove them off.

I feel about the scratches the way I feel about my wrinkles: I am fond of them, and regard them as evidence of a life well-lived.

But I have one favorite scratch—or, rather a pair. They are parallel marks, no doubt from parallel toes, left at the edge of the desk on either side of a natural dark spot in the grain of the wood:

When I look at it, I see a person with hir arms thrown up into the air in a joyful and excited gesture. Considering the perpendicular scratch right at "shoulder" height, I suppose it could easily look like a drowning figure, but all I see is a glass half-full, so to speak.

It's hard to spend long feeling stuck, or helpless, or despairing, when every time one glances down, one sees a little figure reliably cheering with enthusiastic encouragement. I'll take it where I can get it!


Thank you, Desk Denizen!

It's no Jesus in a potato chip, but then few things are.

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Quote of the Day

"We don't know how this will go. But it's hard not to feel a sense of foreboding—and to worry that the nation's already badly damaged faith in the Supreme Court's ability to stand above politics is about to take another severe hit."—Paul Krugman, in a must-read column about the Supreme Court's hearings and upcoming decision about the Affordable Care Act.

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Visa and MasterCard Warn Customers of Security Breach

The breach potentially affects millions of customers and "the type of data that was compromised meant that the information could be used to create counterfeit cards." It's a good time to be extra vigilant about monitoring your account(s), if you've got a Visa and/or MasterCard, and immediately report anything suspicious to the issuing entity.

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Daily Dose of Cute

Looking Out the Window Edition—The five furry residents of Shakes Manor in ascending age order:


Zelly Belly


Dudz


Sophs, aka Monitor Cat


Livsy


Tils: "I ain't looking out no window. Fuck all y'all."
(She really rarely looks out any window. She will very occasionally look out the front screen door, and once in a blue moon will look out the window on my desk, but mostly she is utterly uninterested in the outside world. Given the opportunity to venture out onto the screened-in deck, she might. Or she might not. Haughty sniff.)

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

This is incredible.

It is astounding that 66% of white respondents can be so willfully ignorant and/or cruelly antipathetic that they would agree with that statement.

Jamelle Bouie:

For 66 percent of white Americans to agree with this statement—"Irish, Italian, Jewish, and many other minorities overcame prejudice and worked their way up. Blacks should do the same without any special favors"—there needs to be either large scale amnesia or willful ignorance about what happened in the previous 150 years of this country's history.

In case you don't know, it's straightforward. After the Civil War, when African Americans were freed after more than two hundred years of bondage and chattel slavery, whites in the South—with, eventually, the complicity of whites nationwide—engaged in a brutal campaign of violence and economic deprivation against the descendants of said slaves, the result of which was to keep most blacks in a state of near-peonage, where their opportunities for social and economic advancement were extremely limited.

Not to discount the prejudice faced by many immigrant groups, but I'm reasonably sure that this wasn't the case for anyone other than African Americans. Which, I should add, is the reason why we have affirmative action and other such programs—the effects of this state-sanctioned mistreatment were so strong and so pervasive, that they continue to have an enduring effect on the lives and livelihoods of black Americans (in the aggregate).

But, it seems, most white Americans don't know that.

Or don't fucking care. Bouie's got another chart showing 51% of white respondents agreeing with the statement: "It's really just a matter of some people not trying hard enough; if blacks would only try harder they could be just as well off as whites."

Blink.

"The problem is that black people don't know how to use their bootstraps!"—A majority of white USians, in the year two thousand and fucking twelve.

And while this attitude is indeed racist, is it not a singular result of racism: White USians (particularly, though not exclusively and not universally) subscribe fully and uncritically to the narrative of bootstraps and the promise of the American Dream and the myth of opportunity. Anyone (except oneself, naturally) who fails to achieve, including other whites who had the terrible sense to be born poor, with disabilities, to abusive parents, and/or in some other potentially success trajectory-fucking circumstance, is personally blamed for their lot and—even in spite of obvious innate incompatibilities with the unjust, inflexible, kyriarchal, privilege-rewarding system by which we're meant to achieve "success" as if it's a level playing field—is suspected, and frequently openly accused, of simply failing to work hard enough.

If there is one person born to poverty, one person with disabilities, one person who has survived profound abuse, who can be held up as an example of achievement, then everyone else is failing to thrive. Even as we devour barfinating narratives of triumph over tragic circumstances, we pretend that terrible beginnings don't really matter, except insomuch as they make great first acts for Sandra Bullock Oscar vehicles.

This intractable belief in bootstraps manifests the racism starkly represented above because it encourages the lie that history doesn't matter. And neither does present bias. It encourages the lie that every life happens in a fucking void.

Except, of course, when it suits us to judge an individual by our prejudices about an entire class to which they belong.

When you're a non-privileged person, you're as bad as the worst conceivable member of a shared demographic, and only as good as your own personal achievement.

That is the gross underbelly of American Individualism. Its story only really works for privileged people, among whose privileges include being seen as an individual, whether they fail or succeed.

And that is why the American Dream, and all its narratives of bootstraps and hard work and equal opportunity, is conservative horseshit: The American Dream is not, and has never been, that we collectively eradicate poverty, achieve meaningful and lasting social justice, and celebrate our shared success, but that each of us as individuals would achieve some sort of perfect destiny of wealth, health, and security.

And fuck everyone who doesn't. They're just lazy.

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Friday Blogaround

This blogaround brought to you by owls.

Recommended Reading:

Eesha: Rep. Gwen Moore on VAWA, Shares Experience of Sexual Assault

Ana: Deconstruction: Misogyny Masquerading as Misandry [Relevant content note at link.]

FMF News: First-Ever Abortion Study in Rwanda

Cara: Arrested at Hospital for Demanding Medical Care, Woman Dies in Jail Cell [Relevant content note at link.]

Damali: What Race Is Your Dog?

M. Dru: Wisconsin Anti-Transgender Law Stuck Down

Michelle: Lesson Seven: Finding Fullness [Content Note: The post at this link contains discussion of food and eating.]

Andy: SNL Hires First Openly Gay Female Cast Member

Deeky: Tweet of the Day

Leave your links and recommendations in comments...

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

BushQuotes!

Chapter 1, page 13: "As I started my second term as Governor, I was struggling with the decision about whether to seek the Presidency, worried about what that decision would mean for my family and my own life."

The country, not so much.

[From George Bush's A Charge to Keep, gifted to me by Deeky, because he hates me. In the US, all people who plan to run for president write a shitty book. (Some are less shitty than others, by which I mean the Democrats' books.) A Charge to Keep was George W. Bush's shitty I-wanna-be-president book, published in 1999. I am blogging one random quote per page every day until I have either made my way through the book or lost it behind a couch.]

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Number of the Day

$3.9 billion: The salary of the highest-earning hedge fund manager last year.

The highest earning hedge fund manager of 2011 essentially won the equivalent of seven of the current $540 million Mega Million jackpots last year.

Bridgewater Associates' Ray Dalio's reward for his bets on where the markets were heading: $3.9 billion, according to AR's list of the top-earning hedge fund managers.

The top 25 hedge fund managers took home an average of $576 million each.

And that was a down year.

Last year's total compensation for the top 25 hedge fund managers dropped 35% ... to $22 billion.

Priorities! We've got them! We should definitely continue to let children go to bed at night with empty bellies and keep paying gamblers in expensive suits obscene amounts of money that is taxed at lower rates than hungry children's parents! GOOD JOB, USA!

[Via @PeterDaou.]

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Two-Minute Nostalgia Sublime

Saint Etienne: "Only Love Can Break Your Heart"

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Trayvon Martin Updates

[Content Note: Violence; racism; stalking.]

The major news today is that a white supremacist has hacked Trayvon Martin's personal online accounts and made public some of their content, like Facebook exchanges about dope. We are, of course, meant to be SHOCKED AND APPALLED that a teenager smoked weed, because no upstanding citizen has ever done that before. Only miscreants like our last three presidents.

Klanklannon included none of Martin's emails in his leak, because the picture they paint is of a normal high school junior preparing for college. A screenshot of Trayvon's Gmail inbox our source provided us is heartbreaking. Martin apparently used his Gmail account for his college search, and it's filled with emails about upcoming SAT tests and scholarship applications. ("Trayvon, now is the best time to take the SATs!") One email included the results of a career aptitude test, our source said. It "talked about his interest in aeronautics and stuff."

I just don't even know what to say anymore.

Continually, people of color and white anti-racism advocates are accused of "making everything about race" by racists, but never has that been more clearly exposed as projection. Every single thing about Trayvon Martin looks different to these assholes because of the color of his skin.

I would bet everything I own that most of the white fucks trying to build a thug case against a dead teenager could themselves have been described as smoking weed, acting grown and tough, and trying to figure out what to do and who to be when they were teenagers. That sure sounds like pretty much every single person I knew when I was a teen, myself included.

* * *

Recommended Reading:

Boston Globe: Trayvon Martin: "He's Just Like Us."

New York Daily News: George Zimmerman lost job as party security guard for being too aggressive, ex-co-worker says.

New York Times: Bloggers Cherry-Pick From Social Media to Cast Trayvon Martin as a Menace.

Chicago Tribune: Like Trayvon Martin? Unarmed teen shot, killed by New York police.

Democracy Now: Killed at Home: White Plains, NY Police Called Out on Medical Alert Shoot Dead Black Veteran, 68.

Please feel welcome and encouraged to leave additional links and recommendations in comments.

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Primarily Terrible

[Content Note: Racist slur.]

Below is video of Rick Santorum giving a speech to supporters at The Armory in Janesville, Wisconsin on March 27, 2012. The video will begin playing in the middle of the speech (if it doesn't, jump to 34:23).

Santorum: We know. We know the candidate Barack Obama, what he was like—the antiwar, government nig—uh, the, uh, America was a source for division around the world.

I'm sure there's a perfectly logical and reasonable explanation for this. Like the time he said "bluh people," even though it sounded like "black people." It's just SO WEIRD how Rick Santorum keeps stumbling over things that definitely sound like super racist garbage!

It's prolly because we anti-racists keep INJECTING RACE INTO IT! We're just LOOKING FOR THINGS TO GET MAD ABOUT! That's the problem.

I truly cannot wait to hear the explanation of what he was trying to say this time. What a fucking dirtbag.

[Via; H/T to Shaker Selina.]

* * *

This might be my favorite sentence ever written about Newt Gingrich: "Newt Gingrich does not eat sandwiches; he fundamentally transforms them, radically changing them from solid foodstuff to masticated bolus to energy." LOL! That captures so perfectly Gingrich's belief that everything that is new to him (like online fundraising) is something he revolutionized. His outsized ego is truly peerless.

* * *

Something something Ron Paul. Has anyone seen Ron Paul lately? I'm sure he's doing something GREAT somewhere. Maybe he can write some newsletters for Rick Santorum.

* * *

Mitt Romney has been endorsed by Paul Ryan. Yippee. Who cares. It's not so much an endorsement of Romney as a message by a party leader to the other candidates to get the hell out of the race. George H.W. Bush was less circumspect: "It's time when to hold 'em and time when to fold 'em. Well, I think it's time for people to all get behind this good man."

Don't be fooled. Papa Bush is just angling for a ride in Mitt Romney's car elevator.

In other Romney-related news: "Bob McDevitt has filed paperwork to launch the super PAC Animal Lovers Against Romney. McDevitt, a longtime Democratic supporter and political operative, tells PI the goal is to 'get the message out just how callous in temperament Mitt Romney is.' The owner of a rescue dog said the issue is personal. The group, whose website is mittismean.org, has its official rollout next week and plans on targeting 10 battleground states with Internet ads. The budget: $1 million."


Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

An Observation

[Content Note: Rape culture.]

Wednesday night, Iain and I were watching a re-run of The Big Bang Theory, like ya do, and it was the episode where Howard has built a robot arm. In the opening segment, the robot hand is meant to give Sheldon the finger, but it holds up two fingers. "Peace?" says Sheldon, confused. "No, not peace," says Howard, returning to the keyboard to put in new instructions. The joke is that he meant for the robot to give Sheldon the finger, but, of course, on US network television, you can't even show a robot hand giving someone the finger.

Iain started harrumphing again about the weirdly inconsistent decency standards of US television, which drives him up one wall and down the other.

"In the same time slot, you can show people getting murdered and Law & Order: SVU can broadcast a discussion of vaginal contusions for our 'entertainment,' but fates forbid we be allowed to see a robot hand flipping the bird," he snarled.

I replied: "That pretty much sums up everything you need to know about our priorities: A primetime show can depict a woman being raped, but can't show her flipping off her rapist, because that would be obscene."

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Open Thread

Hosted by a steamer.

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Question of the Day

Who is your nominee for Great Broad of the Day?

Just to keep things interesting (by which I mean, so this does appear to be a solicitation for compliments), no one is allowed to say me. Or Abe Vigoda.

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Recommended Reading

Irin Carmon at Salon: How to Kill an Abortion Bill. I'm not going to excerpt it; just go read the whole thing.

The thing I want to say is that Jessica Luther is a friend of mine. We met through blogging, and, even though we live a thousand miles apart, it turns out we have some friends offline in common, through strange coincidence and the world being a small place sometimes.

She's not just a great activist; she's a great person. She's smart, she works hard like whoa, she's funny as fuck, and she is supportive and encouraging. A person who knows how to be a friend as well as an ally. There are days when a well-timed message from her has made the difference between collapsing into a useless heap and pushing back up against the grindstone with the teeth-gritting resolve and fierce determination that only is possible by knowing someone's got your back, someone who really understands.

She's a great fucking broad, is what she is.

And I'm not just sharing that to flatter her (although she deserves ALL the flattery); I'm sharing that because I think it's important to talk about how most of the women and men who do this work, who put themselves out there, and weather the threats and abuse, and navigate an ocean of legislative, cultural, and personal shit every day, are not just tough, but kind.

I love you, lady.

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Monumental!

Hey, remember when I reviewed the awesome trailer of Kirk Cameron's awesome documentary Monumental? Sure you do! It's the one where he looks really confused!

ANYWAY! Here is a review of it! It sounds terrific!

[Please note that there is some ableist language in the review.]

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Photo of the Day

From the Telegraph's Pictures of the Day for 29 March 2012: This is a new wooden roller coaster at Europa Park, Rust, Baden Baden, Germany. The ride is 40 metres high, with a a top speed of more than 100 km/hr, and a vertical acceleration which can reach a strength of 3.5G. Picture: SAUTIER PHILIPPE/SIPA / Rex Features

Do you love roller coasters? I loooooooooove roller coasters! Just looking at that picture makes my heart beat with excited anticipation (not that I'll ever get to ride on it, lol).

Iain hates roller coasters as much as I love them, even though he's never been on one. I keep telling him he might love them—I thought I'd hate them before I went on one and loved it!—but no dice. He won't get on a roller coaster for love nor money. Fair enough!

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Number of the Day

2.1% The percentage of the gross domestic product (GDP) to which Representative Paul Ryan's budget would cut domestic discretionary spending, i.e. the spending that funds little things "like homeland security, veterans, nuclear weapons, and foreign operations; safety net programs like housing vouchers and nutrition assistance for women and infants; most of the funding for the enforcement of consumer protection, environmental protection, and financial regulation; and practically all of the federal government’s civilian public investments, such as infrastructure, education, training, and research and development."

The current level of domestic discretionary spending is 4%, so Ryan's budget would effectively cut it in half, "the lowest level in over 50 years."

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Daily Dose of Cute

The Adventures of Watch Dog and Not-Watch Dog, Part 3:
When I don't go out in the yard with them, the dogs don't generally like being out there more than a few minutes. They do their business, run around a bit, but then they want to come back in the house. They are both dogs who want to be with their people.

Occasionally, though, Dudley wants a lie in the sun, and, since he's usually the one yipping pitiably to be let back inside after three seconds, if he decides to stay out, Zelly is content to stay out with him. I keep an eye on them through the kitchen window, and I noticed recently that, when I'm not out there, Zelda assumes a protective position and keeps a vigilant watch over Dudley.


Video Description: Zelda, vigilant as always, sits in front of Dudley in a protective way, while he lies splayed out in the grass, oblivious to the world.

She is just such a sweet dog. I know that dogs aren't supposed to have the capacity for love, as we understand it, but whatever. Zelda is a dog absolutely filled with love for her family.


I got this.
There are lots of dogs in the world who love their families, so many, in fact, that it would hardly be worth comment, except for the fact that, once upon a time, Zelda was a stray mutt with numbered days and funny ears at an overpopulated city shelter, a dog who didn't even have a name. She was, when we met, the kind of dog that gets overlooked, and gets destroyed.

She was not the most playful dog at the shelter that day, nor the youngest, nor the cutest. She was barely even noticeable, sitting politely in her too-small cage in the corner furthest from the door. When I knelt down to look at her, she didn't bark or paw at the bars of her cage or lick my hand: She simply sat and looked back with her intelligent brown eyes, waiting for me to communicate to her what she needed to do to get out of that horrible place. While I gazed back at her, already knowing with an unaccountable certainty that she was my dog, I saw the tip of her bottle-brush tail wagging behind her.

There were other dogs there who would have made excellent pets, totally lovely companions for us, for Dudley, for the cats. But Zelda was the perfect dog for us, found, after months of speaking to rescues and meeting potential adoptees, in an unexpected place.

Since we've had her, I'm not sure if I'd heard more that people are dubious about mutts or dubious about dogs from the pound. You don't know what you're going to get. Well, that's true, insomuch as dogs' personalities emerge more fully once they feel safe. But if you buy a puppy from a breeder or a pet store certain of what your dog will be like based on breed standards, you might get a surprise.

Dudley and his cousin Alfie could not be more different in personality, despite both being greyhounds and literal genetic cousins.

So no one ever knows exactly what they're going to get.

It's not a good reason to dismiss out of hand the possibility of adopting a mutt, even adopting one from the pound with an unknown background. It just means a little more time, meeting more dogs, investing an afternoon or two to get to know a dog that the shelter workers may not know well themselves. Some pounds will even let potential adopters foster a dog now, a trial run of sorts.

Zelda was a dog who needed rescue in the truest sense of the word.

We didn't know exactly what we were going to get, but we got a dog who is filled with love for her family. The feeling is mutual.


[Part One; Part Two]

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

What I'm Listening To

Joshua Ledet, "Without You"


This is the studio version of the song he performed on American Idol last night. The live performance was even better, but I can't find a good video of it.

I love his voice. Swoon, etc.

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Quote of the Day

"Texting will teach you nothing about a person except how pithy they're able to be."—Bob Odenkirk.

LOLOLOL! Ain't that the truth.

Just kidding. Please look for Deeky's and my upcoming memoir TEXTING! How to Build and Maintain Beautiful Friendships with the Profoundly Socially Awkward, and its companion workbook Pithiness Is Underrated, in bookstores near you this Septober.

(For realz I love Bob Odenkirk's line. And for realz I love texting so hard, which is an integral part of both my professional life and personal life. I can't even remember what I did without it.)

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

BushQuotes!

Chapter 1, page 12: "We must not allow race to divide us, I warned [in my Texas governorship inauguration address]. 'There's a trend in this country to put people into boxes. Texans don't belong in little ethnic and racial boxes. There are such boxes all over the world, in places with names like Kosovo, Bosnia, Rwanda; and they are human tragedies. As we head into the twenty-first century, we should have one big box: American.'"

Ugh. He is THE WORST.

Spoken like someone with undiluted privilege, whose race, sex, gender, sexuality, stature, size, class, ability, and religion are all considered the default norm by the kyriarchy.

That is such classic conservative claptrap: It's the people who proudly identify with their marginalized class who are the problem, not the institutional oppression that marginalizes them.

This is a particularly timely quote, given the Trayvon Martin murder. Was the problem that Trayvon Martin didn't view himself as an American, or that George Zimmerman didn't view him as one? I think we all know the answer to that.

[From George Bush's A Charge to Keep, gifted to me by Deeky, because he hates me. In the US, all people who plan to run for president write a shitty book. (Some are less shitty than others, by which I mean the Democrats' books.) A Charge to Keep was George W. Bush's shitty I-wanna-be-president book, published in 1999. I am blogging one random quote per page every day until I have either made my way through the book or lost it behind a couch.]

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Two-Minute Nostalgia Sublime

Earl Scruggs: "Foggy Mountain Breakdown"

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Primarily Disastrous

Above: Rick Santorum bowls with what is definitely not a pink ball yesterday in La Crosse, Wisconsin. [Getty Images]

What a great candidate he is! He hates women and queer men SO MUCH! No one can accuse Mitt Romney of slapping a pink bowling ball out of the hands of a young male patriot! Granted, that's because Mitt Romney only bowls in his private bowling alley in the penthouse of his garage, accessible by elevator ONLY, in his solid gold mansion on the moon, but STILL.


Mitt Romney got the coveted Marco "Please make me your VP" Rubio endorsement last night, which is really exciting for those of us who are raising money for undocumented immigrants in the Barf-a-Thon as the GOP tries to appeal to Latin@ voters while continuing to demonize migrant workers.

In other news, Mitt Romney had a secret meeting with Newt Gingrich, where I'm guessing they rolled around in empty Tiffany's boxes and then pooped on grey sweater vests and told their secretaries to Fed Ex them to Santorum HQ. Or maybe Romney just begged Gingrich to drop out, and Gingrich was all, "HA HA HELL NO! I AM FOR SURE TAKING SHELDON ADELSON'S MONEY STRAIGHT TO THE WHITE HOUSE!"

Speaking of which, Sheldon Adelson says Gingrich is "at the end of his line" with his presidential candidacy. Whooooooooooops! Looks like the ATM is closed!

My top secret sources tell me that Newt Gingrich will continue to raise funds using his "old reliable" from the '90s: His spot-on Church Lady impression.


Don't worry about Newt Gingrich. Between his impersonation of a sanctimonious panty-sniffer and his $50 photo ops, he'll be JUST FINE!

Something something Ron Paul. Liberty, freedom, liberty, freedom, forcible pregnancy, honest rape. It's in the Constitution! Look it up.


And finally! President Obama is fixing to win: "With Republicans locked in a contentious and expensive primary, President Barack Obama has spent a small fortune in recent months to build and maintain a campaign operation that is larger, more diverse and more focused on November's general election than any of his opponents' organizations. ... Obama, who faces no serious challenger for the Democratic nomination, has sunk his cash into an expansive brick-and-mortar operation with offices in nearly every state."

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Trayvon Martin Updates

[Content Note: Violence; racism.]

The most important news this morning is that ABC News has secured the police surveillance video (video begins to play automatically at link) of George Zimmerman's arrest on the night he killed Trayvon Martin. Zimmerman has claimed that Martin attacked him, breaking his nose and leaving his head bloodied, but the footage does not appear to show those injuries, or any injuries at all.

George Zimmerman's father, Robert Zimmerman, has also given an interview, "against the advice of others," in defense of his son, reiterating the version of events that had Martin attacking Zimmerman.

"It's my understanding that Trayvon Martin got on top of him and just started beating him," the 64-year-old Robert Zimmerman said.

Even if it is true that Martin at some point got physical with Zimmerman (and, to be clear, I'm not at all convinced that it is), to pretend that happened unprovoked is absurd in the extreme, given the available recording of G. Zimmerman talking to police and being told they do not need him to follow Martin, after he describes nothing that reasonably warrants a call to police in the first place.

From Trayvon Martin's perspective, he was being stalked by a man in a vehicle who was describing his movements. If at some point he decided to try to defend himself, who the fuck could blame him?

In the interview, R. Zimmerman also says "he felt his son has been portrayed in the wrong way." Which, you know, is probably true to some extent. I'm sure there are people who have said wildly inappropriate things about G. Zimmerman, as if plainly noting that he is a man whose profound racist paranoia resulted in his taking a young man's life isn't bad enough. But it takes a special sort of chutzpah to complain about his son being "portrayed in the wrong way" after his son's internalized misportrayal of Trayvon Martin as a criminal motivated him to stalk and kill him, and while his son's attorneys are busily misportraying Martin as a dangerous thug who was a troublemaker at school.

A side note about Zimmerman's defenders using Martin's school records to justify the shooting: Apart from the fact that it doesn't matter whether Martin was a scoundrel or an angel, or something in between like most of us, Zimmerman didn't know he'd been suspended from school, or anything else about him. All he knew was that a young black man in a hoodie was walking in his neighborhood in the rain.

Let's not lose sight of that.

Finally: Judd at Think Progress has the five key unanswered questions about the investigation.

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

The Anti-Pink Presidential Candidate

"Hi, I'm Rick Santorum, and I want to be your Vile Bigot in Chief."

Rick Santorum jokingly chastised a boy for using a pink bowling ball during a campaign stop in Wisconsin on Wednesday. According to Reuters reporter Sam Youngman, Santorum told a boy who reached for a pink bowling ball: “You’re not gonna use the pink ball. We’re not gonna let you do that. Not on camera,” adding, “Friends don’t let friends use pink balls.”

Because pink is for icky girls and sissy boys! Don't even touch it!

This has been your reminder that Rick Santorum is running for President of the United States.

And he wasn't joking.

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

President Obama's Message to Planned Parenthood Supporters

For you, and for most Americans, protecting women's health is a mission that stands above politics. And yet, over the past year, you've had to stand up to politicians who want to deny millions of women the care they rely on, and inject themselves into decisions that are best made between a woman and her doctor.

Let's be clear here: Women are not an interest group.

They're mothers, and daughters, and sisters, and wives. They're half of this country. They're perfectly capable of making their own choices about their health.

So we're grateful that, through it all, you never forgot who you're fighting for: The woman with a new lease on life because a mammogram caught her cancer in time; the woman who can sleep easier at night because of a cervical cancer screening; the woman who is able to choose when to start a family, because she could afford contraception.

So when some professional politicians casually say that they'll "get rid of" Planned Parenthood, don't forget what they're really talking about: Eliminating the funding for preventive care that millions of women rely on, and leaving them to fend for themselves.

That's why, last year, when Republicans in Congress threatened to shut down the government unless we stopped funding Planned Parenthood, I had a simple answer: No.

But we know this debate is far from over. We must continue to send the message loud and clear: If you truly value families, you shouldn't play politics with a woman's health.

It's why I know that Planned Parenthood will continue providing care, no matter what. I know you'll never stop fighting to protect the healthcare and the choices that America's women deserve.

As long as I have the privilege of being your president, neither will I. Thanks.

Planned Parenthood has a form you can use, should you be so inclined, to thank the President here.

I am genuinely grateful that the President took time out of his schedule to record this message. It is important and valuable to hear President Obama say: "Let's be clear here: Women are not an interest group." and "If you truly value families, you shouldn't play politics with a woman's health."

Thank you for saying those things, Mr. President.

It is also important and valuable that he made clear Planned Parenthood does more than provide abortions.

But. I'm not sure how helpful it is to not acknowledge at all that Planned Parenthood is a reliable abortion provider to this nation's women, 1 in 3 of whom will have an abortion at some point in their lives. To not even mention abortion, when this entire "debate" is centered around abortion, once more gives the appearance that Democrats think abortion is icky, morally dubious, and a "necessary evil," not a legal medical procedure of which a third of the nation's women will be in need.

Shying away from it empowers anti-choicers and their rhetoric of "evil abortion." In a recording titled "A Message to Planned Parenthood Supporters," there should be no qualms about speaking about abortion. And if you're going to presume to tell us "who [we]'re fighting for," you'd better be willing to mention women and other people with uteri needing abortions, because we are definitely fighting for them.

* * *

I also want to note that the President, and he is not alone among male politicians here, continues to have a problem talking about/to women without defining them in relation to men. "They're mothers, and daughters, and sisters, and wives." Well, some of us are those things, and some of us are not. It is enough to simply say: "They're half of this country."

And what's with the "they" stuff, anyway? A message to "Planned Parenthood Supporters" is disproportionately a message to women. And yet the message still isn't really to us as much as about us, as if the President is talking to men. It's weird, and it's alienating.

I point this out as a constructive criticism, not because of some variation on "she doesn't like anything Obama does," of which I am routinely accused. It might feel like nitpicking, but it's these "small" things, like the ability to speak authentically and inclusively to women, that can win and lose elections. I want my president to be a successful ally to women.

I don't bother to offer advice to Mitt Romney, one might notice.

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Open Thread

Hosted by a honey dipper.

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Question of the Day

Who are your favorite actor and actress over 60?

And, just to keep things interesting, no one is allowed to answer Meryl Streep or Abe Vigoda.

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Bonus Cute

The Adventures of Watch Dog and Not-Watch Dog, Part 2:


Video Description: The wind blows, and the sound of a lawnmower can be heard in the distance. Zelly is in the foreground, looking around at stuff in her typically alert manner. She walks away, revealing Dudley lying on the grass like the laziest dog who ever lived.

[Part One.]

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Photo of the Day

U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (R) greets Chen Zhili, Vice Chairwoman of the Standing Committee of China's National People's Congress, during an U.S.-China women's forum at the State Department in Washington March 28, 2012. [Reuters Pictures]

I know, I know—another Hillary picture. Whatever. She's got a few months left as Secretary of State, since she's already said she's leaving at the end of this term, even if Obama is reelected, so I'm making the most of it while she's still there.

Consider yourselves lucky I don't post a picture of her EVERY DAY!

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Noblesse Oblige

Romney anecdotes are the best anecdotes:

While he is yet to campaign in Wisconsin, Mitt Romney worked the state's Republican voters from Dallas, Texas, on Wednesday, holding a "telephone town hall" in which he embraced Gov. Scott Walker's labor policies, endorsed US Rep. Paul Ryan's House budget, and joked about the time his father was head of American Motors and moved car production from Michigan to Wisconsin.

...At the outset of the call, Romney said he has some connections to Wisconsin.

"One of most humorous I think relates to my father. You may remember my father, George Romney, was president of an automobile company called American Motors … They had a factory in Michigan, and they had a factory in Kenosha, Wisconsin, and another one in Milwaukee, Wisconsin," said Romney. "And as the president of the company he decided to close the factory in Michigan and move all the production to Wisconsin. Now later he decided to run for governor of Michigan and so you can imagine that having closed the factory and moved all the production to Wisconsin was a very sensitive issue to him, for his campaign."

Romney said he recalled a parade in which the school band marching with his father's campaign only knew the Wisconsin fight song, not the Michigan song.

"So every time they would start playing 'On Wisconsin, On Wisconsin,' my dad's political people would jump up and down and try to get them to stop, because they didn't want people in Michigan to be reminded that my dad had moved production to Wisconsin," said Romney, laughing.

Ha ha great story.

That reminds me of another story...

Once upon a time, Iain and I were talking about the British Royal Family, of whom, being a Scotsman, he's no great fan. But he has a deep respect for the modern Windsors, who carry on the admirable aristocratic tradition of serving their country—in the military and in charity—in exchange for the privilege the country affords them.

Princes William and Harry had the same chance of serving in Iraq as do any other officers; their uncle, Prince Andrew, served in the Falklands War. When the British government wanted to relocate him to a desk job from the HMS Invincible, one of only two operational aircraft carriers available to the Royal Navy, it was the Queen herself who insisted that Prince Andrew be allowed to remain with his ship. After the war, the Queen and Prince Philip joined other families of the other crew to welcome the vessel home, just a mother and father like any other, glad their son was safe. During WWII, that same mother, then a young woman, relentlessly pestered her father the king to allow her to serve in some capacity, and, eventually, he relented. And she did.

We don't have an aristocracy in America in the same sense as does Britain, but that isn't to say we don't have one at all. Mitt Romney is nothing if not an aristocrat—born to wealth and power, schooled in the best private institutions, rising to prominence less on his merit than his name. And like many American aristocrats, Romney used his privilege, while denying its existence at every turn, to avoid serving his country.

Mitt Romney spent part of his generation's war, Vietnam, in a French palace, exempt from service by virtue of his Mormon missionary work, and, when he came home, he demonstrated in favor of the draft, despite having used his religion to avoid it himself. He also used the privilege of attending university to secure nearly three years of academic deferments.

Mitt Romney diligently avoiding serving his country, until he could do so as a politician, a leader, at which time he shed any pretense of serving the country, instead serving the agenda of other aristocrats.

He is of the New American Aristocracy.

There are still aristocrats in the US who follow the Windsor tradition, men born to privilege, wealth, private schools, and limitless opportunity who repay this debt of inherited fortune by serving their country. Men who graduate from an Ivy League School and enlist in the military. Men who go to war and come home to serve again, as prosecutors and Congressmen and Senators. (Women born to this privilege are expected to perform in different ways.) The last two Democratic presidential candidates before our current president, Al Gore and John Kerry—the men who ran against another great New American Aristocrat, George W. Bush—were men like this.

Men like this don't mask their privilege, nor do they flaunt it. It simply is. But in our typical American way, pretending as we love to do that there is no aristocracy in America and hating the merest whiff of blue blood, we reject patricians and disdain their privilege, particularly when they have never sought to use it to their own advantage.

It's a peculiar tendency, this, to hold in contempt a person who has no personal need to care about the trials and troubles of others and yet does so nonetheless, who recognizes his or her fortune as a fate as random as that of someone who struggles. It's an odd inclination to prefer the charade of Romney's self-made man to the nobility (in both its senses) of a Gore or a Kerry, considering it is the former who would most eagerly see the perpetuation of the divide we revile in the moments we are honest enough to admit it exists in the first place.

Someday, barring a tragedy, Prince William will become a king, and the people of Britain will remember that he served his country, militarily and charitably, and even many of those who would see the monarchy wholly dismantled, and their fortunes turned over to the people of Britain, will respect him for his service. They don't have the option of pretending that their aristocracy is anything but what it is. Some would say that's a burden; I think it's a gift. Our insistence on make-believe has imagined us right into a new Gilded Age.

And so here we are, with a New American Aristocrat likely to be the Republican nominee, who has not served his country in a uniform nor in a role of unconditional altruism, and he resembles nothing so more as the English kings from whose haughty tyranny the Founders were seeking escape.

He tells stories in which the misfortunes of people who do not share his privilege are the punchline, and he doesn't understand why the commoners do not laugh, because he has never lived among them or served beside them.

[Related Reading: Fortunate Sons Don't Like Grieving Mothers.]

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Random Izzard Blogging

It has been TOO LONG since the last Random Izzard Blogging! Please enjoy this clip from Eddie Izzard's Glorious.

[Transcript here.]

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Texting! With Liss and Deeky!

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Alcatraz Open Thread

[Spoilers are looking for keys herein.]

So Monday night was the two-hour (or, more accurately, two-episode) finale of Season One of Alcatraz, and OMG IT WAS A DOOZY, as they say. (They definitely still say doozy. I checked with them.) Mysteries were solved! And people were killed! OR WERE THEY?! And in typical J.J. Abadrobot fashion, the answers to those questions over there raised more questions over here!

SOMEONE GIVE ME ALL THE KEYS SO I CAN SOLVE THIS THING!

Just kidding! I don't want to solve it! I want at least two more seasons of mystery!

Speaking of mysteries, it is now clear why Dr. Sangupta is also known as Dr. Banerjee. Because she is a 63, and thus she needed a new identity to exist in 2012. This is something I probably should have figured out ages ago, but only did when one of Sam Neill's nerdz called her Dr. Banerjee. Whoops!

As per usual, I loved everything. But I ESPECIALLY loved Dr. Soto standing outside Det. Madsen's hospital room. "That seems less important than...being here." Oh, Jorge Garcia. You are THE BEST. You really are.

Which, by the way, reminds me of something else I've been meaning to mention about this show and keep forgetting: I would like to compliment the wardrobe department on styling Jorge Garcia so well. Dude's a straight-up fox, and it's awesome to see a fat man allowed to be foxy in fashionable and tailored clothes on a network television show. Rarely are men of his size even cast in roles where they can be well-dressed, and, given that he's the owner of a comic store, there's no reason he really has to be in great shirts and sweaters and trench coats, so that makes it even more awesome that he is given natty costuming. Thanks, Alcatraz.

Well, this seems sufficiently rambling and disjointed enough to hit publish.

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Daily Dose of Cute

"What?"


"Come to me, birds."


"I am ignoring you, Two-Legs."

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

BushQuotes!

Chapter 1, page 11: "We're now putting too much hope in economics, just as we one put too much hope in government. Reducing problems to economics is simply materialism."

Spoken like someone who's never gone hungry a day in his life.

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Wednesday Blogaround

This blogaround brought to you by cats!

Recommended Reading:

Alex: Congressman Bobby Rush Kicked Off House Floor for Wearing Hoodie

Renee: Melissa Harris-Perry's Rules for Black Male Safety

Edurne: Argentina Issues Landmark Ruling on Abortion Rights

Zack: Inside NOM's Strategy: Find 'Non-Cognitive' Celebrities to Amplify the Anti-Equality Message

Pam: Mitt's Plan for People with Pre-Existing Conditions and No Health Insurance: Just Die

Jamelle: No One Likes Mitt Romney

Michelle: Lesson Six: Checking In [Content Note: The post at this link contains discussion of food and eating.]

Adrienne: A Tribe Called Red: Powwow Step and Social Commentary for the Masses

Andy: A Spectacular Song and Dance Gay Marriage Proposal

Leave your links and recommendations in comments...

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Quote of the Day

"This morning in America's highest court, freedom seems to be less about the absence of constraint than about the absence of shared responsibility, community, or real concern for those who don't want anything so much as healthy children, or to be cared for when they are old. Until today, I couldn't really understand why this case was framed as a discussion of 'liberty.' This case isn't so much about freedom from government-mandated broccoli or gyms. It's about freedom from our obligations to one another, freedom from the modern world in which we live. It's about the freedom to ignore the injured, walk away from those in peril, to never pick up the phone or eat food that's been inspected. It's about the freedom to be left alone. And now we know the court is worried about freedom: the freedom to live like it's 1804."—Dahlia Lithwick, regarding certain SCOTUS justices and the ACA. Also, in regard to sentiments such as those made by Senator Ron "last shred of freedom" Johnson.

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Number of the Day

19%: The percentage of 17-year-olds in an undercover study who were told by pharmacists that they were too young to purchase emergency contraception. That is not accurate. Strangely, many of the same pharmacies were able to provide accurate information to physicians. Huh!

For the new study, researchers posing as either a 17-year-old girl or a doctor seeking help for a 17-year-old girl called every pharmacy in each of five U.S. cities asking about the availability and accessibility of emergency contraception.

All callers asked questions from a script. The first question was whether the pharmacy had the medication in stock -- 80 percent of the 943 pharmacies said they did. Next, the researcher posing as a teen asked if she could get the drug, while the researcher posing as the doctor of a 17-year-old patient asked if the patient could get the medication.

There was a huge disparity between the answers given to the teens and those offered to the physicians, with 19 percent of the 17-year-olds being told that they couldn't get it under any circumstances, compared with only 3 percent of the physicians.

The next question was asked only by teen callers who had been told a 17-year-old could get the morning-after pill: "My friends said there is an age rule [regarding access without a prescription] -- do you know what it is?"

Pharmacy employees answered that incorrectly 43 percent of the time.

Dr. Tracey Wilkinson, the study's lead author and a general pediatrics fellow at Boston Medical Center/Boston University School of Medicine says she was shocked and disappointed by the results.

Well. That's polite.

[H/Ts to Shakers Brunocerous and The Great Indoors.]

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

SCOTUS on the Affordable Healthcare Act

Today, the Supreme Court heard closing arguments on the constitutionality of President Obama's Affordable Healthcare Act, regarding its coverage mandate. [Note: The ruling will come later. Thanks to Jeff Lakin for the clarification.]

Yesterday, the defense of the mandate did not go especially well. The expectation is that it will be another 5-4 ruling. In whose favor is not certain, although I'm going to put my wager on the ruling going in Obama's favor.

What will Kennedy do? Once again, I am thrilled that one person has such a ridiculous amount of power in an ostensible democracy.

The Court has three possible options, detailed in arguments this morning: "Strike down all of the Affordable Care Act along with the mandate (the challengers’ position), strike down only two core changes in the way the health insurance system works (the government position), and strike down nothing but the mandate (the position of a Court-appointed lawyer). Not one seemed to be especially appealing to members of the Court."

Watch this space.

Please feel welcome and encouraged to leave additional links and recommendations in comments.

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Two-Minute Nostalgia Sublime

The Equals: "Baby Come Back"

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Trayvon Martin Updates

In case you missed it, yesterday afternoon I noted that ABC reported the lead investigator on the Trayvon Martin shooting recommended a manslaughter charge filed against George Zimmerman, but the state attorney overruled the recommendation. While we are all meant to be scrutinizing Trayvon Martin's background and personal details in another national round of victim-blaming, this little piece of biographical info about George Zimmerman, buried 30 paragraphs into this CNN article, might shed some light on why the decision to let Zimmerman away without charges was made: Zimmerman is the son of a magistrate judge.

That seems pertinent. Or, at least, more notable than Zimmerman supposedly being a registered Democrat.

I first saw that piece of "news" on Twitter yesterday, care of a conservative tweeter who said, "Sorry to burst your bubble, liberals, but Zimmerman is Hispanic and a registered Democrat."

Sorry to burst your bubble. That's literally what many conservatives think those of us objecting to this profound injustice feel about it—a bubble of excited joy that there's a dead black child who's been killed by a "white conservative," so we can make a political point.

I honestly cannot begin to comprehend the seething antipathy filling the space where a soul should be that allows one to imagine the people speaking passionately against this latest violent injustice are motivated by political gamespersonship.

And, unlike those revolting myteamers, I do not believe that identifying as a Democrat, or a liberal, or a progressive, or any other lefty affiliation, axiomatically renders one magically incapable of doing something awful. It makes no difference to me what George Zimmerman put or didn't put on his voter registration card.

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Primarily Garbage

GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE! If you are still maintaining maximum enthusiasm for the TOTALLY EXCITING and VERY AWESOME and HOLY SHIT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME NEVER-ENDING Republican Primary, please check this box: □

If you failed to check that box, maybe this will get your primary juices flowing:

That is just a terrific picture of Mitt Romney with Jay Leno, who is one of the few people I can imagine being a worse president than Mitt Romney. I wonder what they're talking about! I bet it's something GREAT!

Romney: Ha ha I have so many cars.

Leno: Ha ha I have like ten million times the number of cars that you have.

Romney: Ha ha you do! I need more cars!

Leno: Ha ha you DO need more cars!

Romney: Ha ha I'm getting a car elevator in my mansion!

Leno: Ha ha that's awesome. I want a car elevator in the AIRPLANE HANGER where I store all my cars!

Romney: Ha ha I want an airplane elevator in the airplane hanger where I store all my private jets!

Leno: Ha ha I want a private jet made out of denim!

Romney: Ha ha I want to build a denim mansion on the moon! And fill it with cars and jets and elevators! ELECT ME AS YOUR PRESIDENT, AMERICA!

*Ford Commercial*

Leno: And we're back here with THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF AMERICA AND THE MOON Mitt Romney. Hey, Mitt Romney, is it true that you're getting a car elevator installed in your mansion?

Romney: Ha ha yes, Jay, that is true.

[audience laughter and applause]

Leno: And is it ALSO true that you once vetoed a bill allocating money to improve elevators to comply with the American Disabilities Act while you were governor of Massachusetts?

Romney: Ha ha yes that is also true! I am definitely in favor of car elevators for private mansions owned by me and not in favor of human elevators for public access.

[audience cheers]

Leno: Ha ha that's awesome. We should go celebrate by driving some cars!

Romney: Ha ha great idea, Jay! Vroom vroom! I like cars!


In other news, Rick Santorum is flailing in his own state: "Rick Santorum appeared to be the Republican presidential candidate to beat in Pennsylvania a month ago. With the state primary four weeks away, Santorum now finds himself nearly tied with former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney among the state's Republicans, and support is eroding rapidly, according to a Franklin & Marshall College poll out today."

Whoooooooops! Looks like even your hometown voters can't help but pay attention to the things coming out of your face, Rick Santorum! Sorry you're so terrible! You should make better choices with your life! They are out there to be made, despite your endeavors to crush them!

Newt Gingrich is reducing his staff and cutting back his schedule because that's what viable contenders do, no doy.

Something something Ron Paul.

Speaking of Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul, a new CNN poll has found that a majority of Republican respondents "would like to see Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul drop their bids for the nomination." The rest of the respondents said: "Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul are still in the race? The fuck?"

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Open Thread

Hosted by a hedgehog cheese grater.

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Question of the Day

Many months ago, I received an email from Shaker Steffa B. telling me she had seen a small item at an art fair and wanted to send it to me. She had remembered that I love the movie Killer Klowns from Outer Space, and sent me this nifty little framed picture of two Klowns. I hung it on the wall of my office, and asked if I could write a post about it. I then promptly forgot to do so, because I'm an asshole.

Last week, Steffa wrote to tell me she had been crafting little clowns, and had made a Killer Klown for me. He arrived yesterday.

I was completely blown away by this. He's crafted entirely out of little wound-up pieces of paper. I'm unable to do very small detailed work like this because I have shaking hands, so I'm always impressed by very intricate crafting. Look at his klown collar! He's even got little ruffles around his wrists and ankles!


He's even holding a little paper balloon dog! How awesome is that! Coincidentally, the spiky-haired Klown is my favorite one in the movie. A thousand thanks, Steffa! I truly appreciate you thinking of me.

So, what is the last gift you received, large or small, that completely delighted you?

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Photo of the Day

Each spring nearly a million puffins arrive at the cliffs of Scotland's west coast to lay their eggs. These birds, with their colorful beaks and doleful expressions, can be seen darting to and from the ocean, gathering mouthfuls of fish for their hatchlings. [Photo by Zhouyang Sun / National Geographic (link)]

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Rescued

Text Onscreen: [over video through a windshield on a rainy day] We got a call from our friend Mary Chatman about a dog in South L.A. From far away, she was able to tell that the dog was in pretty bad shape. [The vehicle stops; the camera shows the first-person view, walking around a commercial area.] We didn't see the dog in the area. Audrey prepared to block the open area of the fence in case the dog showed up and tried to escape. The first search of the property showed no sign of a dog. [over video of a dumpster area] But then, I quickly motioned for Audrey to come closer… [The camera zooms in, and a little white dog lifts its head from a pile of rubbish; a white woman and the white man holding the camera slowly approach the dog, which is filthy and matted] We realized right away that she was blind in both eyes, so we allowed her to smell us. [Slowly, the woman reaches out her hand, for the dog to sniff. The man does the same. The dog leans forward tentatively, eventually allowing the man to stroke her head and chin. They finally reach in to pick her up.] She urinated out of fear and just sat in in, frozen. [They lift her out and leash her, then swaddle her in a towel to carry her to the vehicle.] On the way home we decided to call her Fiona.

[The little dog lies on a towel on the bathroom floor while the man strokes her head. He then shaves off her horribly dirty fur.] She had the worst flea infestation we had ever seen. [They bathe her gently, then towel her off. She looks grateful and happy.] A few days later, we took her to visit Dr. Michael Chang. [Dr. Chang examines the little dog, while she wears a collar.] Dr. Chang confirmed that she was 100% blind, but he said he could restore her vision in one eye. [Fiona lies on the operating table for surgery.] The next day we picked her up. [Fiona in her cone gets cuddles and wags her tail. On the way home, she looks out the car window.] For the first time in a long time, she could see again. [Fiona at home gets a treat and jumps around playfully and gets loads of cuddles.] A few weeks later, she was adopted by Michele & Chris Gentry. [Picture of a white couple with a little grey dog and three little white dogs, one of whom is Fiona.] Please make a small donation to Hope for Paws and help us save more dogs like Fiona. www.hopeforpaws.org Thanks!

Note: I am not affiliated with nor am I specifically endorsing Hope for Paws, but as I'm sure everyone knows, I encourage supporting animal rescue in any way that one is able!

[Via TDW.]

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Well, Well, Well

[Content Note for violence.]

Judd at Think Progress: "ABC News reports that the lead investigator in Trayvon Martin shooting wanted a manslaughter charge against the shooter George Zimmerman. The lead investigator, Chris Serino, stated he was unconvinced by Zimmerman's version of events according to an affidavit he filed the night of Feb. 26. His recommendation for a manslaughter charge was overruled by state attorney Norman Wolfinger, who subsequently removed himself from the case."

Talk about selective details. The police have shared with the press details like "at least one witness says he saw Martin attack Zimmerman," but failed to mention that their lead investigator wanted a manslaughter change. Huh. Interesting.

Relatedly, Eric Boehlert has a good piece on how the this story has confounded the conservative press, because it "simply [does] not fit the right-wing's preferred narrative about guns and minorities and how white America is allegedly under physical assault from Obama's violent African-American base."

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Promoted from Comments

Shaker checarina:

Every time a conservative says "freedom", all I hear is "privilege".

"They want to take away our freedom privilege!"

"They hate us for our freedom privilege!"

"It's a matter of religious freedom privilege."

I suspect the two are listed as synonyms in the conservative lexicon.

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

lol your apology

Geralda Rivera, apologizing for his victim-blaming anti-hoodie nonsense, in an email to Politico earlier today:

I apologize to anyone offended by what one prominent black conservative called my very practical and potentially life-saving campaign urging black and Hispanic parents not to let their children go around wearing hoodies.

LOL FOREVER!

"I'm sorry for trying to help you people in a way that my black friend says was awesome!"

Apology accepted, I'm sure.

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

The Smartest Thing the Mitt Romney Campaign Has Done Today and Possibly Any Day

Followed me on Twitter.

Welcome to my feed, which you will definitely not like!

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Quote of the Day

"Let me answer why I think Americans just instinctively understand that this law shouldn't go forward. It's because they realize...that what's at stake here is our last shred of freedom."—Senator Ron Johnson (R-Eeally?!), on why the Supreme Court, currently debating the constitutionality of the President's healthcare reform legislation, should rule in favor of "freedom."

I can't even imagine what it's like to be so undilutedly privileged that you earnestly believe socialized medicine stands to eradicate "our last shred of freedom."

Yikes.

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Daily Dose of Cute

Every once in awhile, we give the dogs this moist dogfood from the local feed store that's all organic and fancy la-dee-da. They love it, so it's a huge treat for them, even though it's good for them. (We couldn't afford to make it their regular food, since Dudley alone would need five cans a day, lol.) Anyway, here's a little video of the monsters going wild when Iain's about to give them their special dinner.

Video Description: Iain stands in the doorway of the kitchen; Dudley and Zelly sit in front of him, looking up at him expectantly. "Do you know what's wrong with these dogs, babe?" he asks. "I have no idea," I reply. I pan down to Zelly's tail wagging against the floor. "What's up, you guys? You guys hungry?" Iain asks. I gasp excitedly. "Are you hungry, puppies?!" I ask. Zelly turns and looks at me. "You guys want food?" Iain asks. Dudley collapses to the floor dramatically. "Is that what it is, hmm?" Dudley grumbles and wags his tail. I laugh. "All right, well, I'll think about it," Iain says, then turns and walks into the kitchen. Zelly follows him in; Dudley goes to the door, looks in, runs back to the rug on which they're fed, runs back to the door, back to the rug, and playbows with a bark and a windmilling tail. Iain walks back in holding two bowls, Zelly behind him. Dudley leaps up to sniff the food. "Waitwaitwait!" Iain says, as he walks to the other side of the rug. I laugh. Dudley can hardly contain his excitement, and again flops onto the floor into a lie position. Zelly sits down politely beside him. They look up at Iain. "All right," he says, "are you both sitting? Are you both good puppies? You both want some food?" They look up at him eagerly. "You ready?" He makes a sound like a releasing slingshot and quickly bows, putting the food on the floor. The dogs hop up and dig in. "Go! Eat! Fast!" he says. (Which is a joke, because they are not quick eaters.) I laugh as, after all that drama, the dogs eat calmly and slowly.

And here are some still images of the monsters in the garden, on another unseasonably lovely day care of global climate change:


Dudley, tall and proud and two-dimensional next to his newest digging experiment.


Zelda, checking things out to see if there are any squirrels who need herding.

Open Wide...

Shut Up!

Primarily Horrendo

U.S. Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney is shown blurred by the zoom lens of a camera as he addresses employees at the medical company NuVasive during a campaign stop in San Diego, California March 26, 2012. [Reuters Pictures]

Y'all, I think even the news photographers are starting to lose interest in this campaign. They're just fucking with us at this point.

For the record: I am totally okay with that.

The BIG NEWS today is that Mitt Romney is a terrible candidate! Ha ha I know—that is not news. But he's being an EVEN WORSE candidate than usual! And he is usually a very bad candidate!

Exhibit A: Mitt Romney explains that his policies lack specifics because the details would be unpopular.

One of the things I found in a short campaign against Ted Kennedy was that when I said, for instance, that I wanted to eliminate the Department of Education, that was used to suggest I don't care about education," Romney recalled.

[...]

"So will there be some [departments and agencies] that get eliminated or combined? The answer is yes, but I'm not going to give you a list right now."

LOL! That dastardly Ted Kennedy and his sneaky liberal army, saying that Mitt Romney doesn't care about education just because he wanted to eliminate the Department of Education! How dare they, the wretched scamps! OF COURSE Mitt Romney cares about education! He wants every American to be able to send all of their many children in their very large families facilitated via the denial of access to contraception and abortion to extremely expensive private institutions—or, failing that, to Newt Gingrich's Juvenile Janitor Institute, sponsored by Halliburton.

How dare you say Mitt Romney does not care about education!

If we lived in a country where no one had any education or skills, who would install the car elevator in his California beach house, hmm? ANSWER ME THAT!

Speaking of Newt Gingrich, he's now charging $50 for photos at campaign events. Great candidate! Cool fundraiser! You might think that $50 for a photo is a lot of money, but that's probably because you don't know that Newt Gingrich's smile makes flowers grow.


See?
In other news, something something Ron Paul. I heard that both Andrew Sullivan AND Glenn Greenwald were on Real Time with Bill Maher last Friday. That sounds like a GREAT episode! Do you think that it was just an hour of Sully and Greenwald masturbating while talking about Ron Paul? I bet it was. Freedom boners for everyone!

(Not so fast, ladies etc.)

Finally! Rick Santorum is still a human person being horrible in the world. He is a terrible person who hates nothing more than queer men and uppity ladies except for himself, and, when you think about Rick Santorum, just remember that he is living in a torturous hell of his own making where to be fully human is to be garbage, and thus is anything resembling authentic self-esteem or true contentment not merely elusive but fundamentally incompatible with maintaining his fucked-up perspective on the world and its human inhabitants.

...Oh, did you think I was going to add something about how he deserves our sympathy for that? Ha ha no.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

[H/T to Deeks for the Romney stories.]

Open Wide...

Shut Up!