Primarily Terrible

Rick Santorum walking away from a photo-op near giant statues of Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox
Republican presidential candidate former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum, walks away from the Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox statues during a campaign stop at in Bemidji, Minn., Sunday, Feb. 5, 2012. [AP Photo]
Y'all, I'm worried about Rick Santorum. I remember a time when he never would have gotten that close to man-on-bull action. He's really lost his way during this national election, having to spend time in red-light districts like Iowa and centers of moral corruption like New Hampshire. If he makes it to Indiana, who knows what could happen? I live here, and look what it's done to me! We should send him back to the safety of Pennsylvania right away, before he ends up living in a gay brothel giving abortions to undocumented immigrants like I do.

Ha ha just kidding! Don't worry—Rick Santorum is still the heinous specimen of compassionless wreckage he's always been!

See Exhibit A: Santorum Longs for Good Old Days of 'Shadow Abortions' When Women Obtained Back-Alley Procedures.

In good news (for no one but Rick Santorum), he might win Missouri's non-binding primary! And he's doing well in Minnesota and Colorado, too! GOOD FOR YOU, RICK SANTORUM! You really picked a perfect year to run for president, when even a nightmare candidate like yourself would be given consideration by reasonable people desperate to find an alternative to the detestable frontrunner!

Speaking of Mitt Romney, he proudly announced the endorsement he got from former California Governor Pete Wilson, supporter of the state's infamous Proposition 187, which targeted undocumented workers. So, take note: Mitt Romney doesn't care about poor people, he definitely doesn't care about women and the queer community, and he also doesn't care about Latin@ voters. True Facts!

Do you think that Mitt Romney realizes that "the 1%" isn't just a turn of phrase? Does he know it literally means 1% of the population? And that he needs more than 1% of the population to win a general election? Math is hard.

Something something Ron Paul. Still yammering about "freedom" while arguing that bodies with uteri should be government property. You are so terrible, Ron Paul! Gross!

image of Ron Paul saying 'FREEDOM for everyone! May not be applicable for people w/ uteri.

Newt Gingrich, who is still in the campaign and is seriously boring me, was on the news this morning babbling some nonsense about how important he is blah blah and the proof is in the Saturday Night Live pudding or whatever. Who cares. Also: Wikipedia scrubbing! That is so boring! Even Newt Gingrich's campaign scandals are making me yawn!

Don't worry, Newt Gingrich. You are still more exciting than Jon Huntsman!

Hey! Speaking of candidates who have totes jumped outta the clown car, Michele Bachmann says she was the perfect candidate. Ha ha whooooooooooooops! She is even worse at math than Mitt Romney! Even mediocre candidates need more than 0% of the vote, Representative Bachmann!

Rick Perry is still definitely out of the race. He has not un-suspended his campaign yet.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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