Primarily Gross

image of four GOP candidates on a stage with moderator John King, surrounded by about 87,000 CNN logos

So, the Four Horsemen of the Crapocalypse had another debate last night, who can say on what channel. It's a mystery lost to the sands of time. To keep things interesting after 87,000 debates, the candidates were all inexplicably seated at elementary school desks from THE FUTURE. Neat!

Here is my Executive Summary of the debate: Taxes, morning-after abortion pills, illegals, nukes, Obamacare, bootstraps, America, Jesus, taxes, amen.

In what was probably my most retweeted tweet of all time, I described the debate last night as: Four white men talking about contraception without saying "women" and immigration without saying "immigrants."

As always, I recommend Richard's coverage.

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The highlight of the evening—which was COMPREHENSIVELY AWESOME, don't get me wrong!—was when John King asked the candidates this viewer question: "Since birth control is the latest hot topic, which candidates believe in birth control, and, if not, why?" HA HA YEP! In the year 2012, in the United States of America, presidential candidates are being asked if they "believe" in birth control! It almost makes me want to live here TOO much!

Anyway, the audience greeted this question with jeers and boos, and—surprise!—it is not because they are angry the question even needs to be asked, or because their candidates are overreaching, but because it's SO UNFAIR that anyone would question these fine, upstanding, ethical defenders of forcible pregnancy:

[John King asks question, followed by audience jeering and booing, then John King starts to say, "Look, we're not gonna spend a ton of time on this—" when Newt Gingrich interrupts him]

Gingrich: Can I just make a point? [crosstalk] I wanna make two quick points, John. The first is: There is a legitimate question about the power of the government to impose on religion activities which any religion opposes. That's legitimate. [applause] But I just want to point out: You did not once in the 2008 campaign, not once did anyone in the elite media, ask why Barack Obama voted in favor of legalizing infanticide. [huge cheers and applause] Okay? So let's be clear here: If we're gonna have a debate about who the extremist is on these issues, it is President Obama, who, as a state senator voted to protect doctors who kill babies who survive the abortion. [cheers and applause] It is not the Republicans!
Everything about those sentences is wrong. Also: Get a load of the unmitigated cheek that Newt Gingrich is complaining about being required to address contraception as an issue when his party has been busily making it a central issue of this election.

"We just want to create and subsequently exploit contentious and deeply divisive issues! We don't want to be held accountable for it! Geez!"—The GOP.

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Best tweet of the night, for undilutedly gormless understatement, goes to CNN's David Gergen:

LOL FOREVER. "Your view?" LOL. LOL. LOL. Sob.

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Here are some real things the candidates said during the debate:

Ron Paul: "You don't have women's rights or men's rights."

Rick Santorum: "The most prolific proliferator in the world."

Mitt Romney: "I get to give the answers I want."

Newt Gingrich spent a minute or so mocking the idea of instilling children with self-esteem, which of course got big applause and cheers from the audience.

There's no dignity in compassionateconservativismball!

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Here's a fun fact about the debate: Throughout the entire thing, only one candidate said the word "unemployment" once, and that was Newt Gingrich referencing a low unemployment rate while he was Speaker (and Bill Clinton was president). None of them addressed the chronic levels of record high unemployment the country is currently suffering.

They did manage, however, to address at length the HORROR of Title X—the federal grant program designed to provide family planning and preventive health services to low-income and/or uninsured individuals and families, which was enacted in 1970 by renowned dirty hippie Richard Nixon.

PRIORITIES! The Republican Party has them!

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Next Up: Super Tuesday!

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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