Primarily Gross

Image of Mitt Romey with a 'zuh' look on his face: 'Republican presidential candidate, former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum meets with business leaders, Wednesday, Feb. 15, 2012, in Tioga, N.D. [AP Photo]'
I don't care what anyone says: I like a man who looks at me with the curious intensity of a golden retriever when I'm explaining the difference between a "vagina" and a "vulva" to him.

GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE! I hope your enthusiasm for the ongoing clusterfucktastrophe that is the Republican Primary is just as boundless and fervent as it was yesterday! And the day before! And the day before that! And each and every day of the approximate two hundred billion years that this primary has lasted so far!

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Barf bags for EVERYONE!

So, yesterday, the Big News was Rick Santorum surrogate and sugar-pop Foster Friess recommending to the "gals" of America that we keep an aspirin between our knees as cheap contraception. It's neat how he thinks it's impossible to fuck with your knees together! What a lucky lady his wife is!

Anyway! Lots of women were unimpressed with Friess' advice, by which I mean every woman in the United States snorted derisively with such collective force that we may not have to worry about climate change anymore. Sorry about the pollution, Neptune! But don't worry, ladies! Rick Santorum assures us it was just a "bad joke." O RLY? No shit, Sherlock. Your whole campaign is a bad joke! BOOM!

In other Santorum news, dude made a shit-load of cash after being retired from the US Senate by Bob Casey: "Rick Santorum grew wealthy over his four years working as a corporate consultant and media commentator after leaving the Senate in 2006, his newly released federal tax returns show. He made more than $3.6 million."

Everyone leaves the US Senate with a golden parachute of limitless opportunity to make filthy money from corporate consulting, media commentary, and/or lobbying. Great retirement plan if you can get it! But Rick Santorum is still a youngish man. He has lots more brush-clearing golfing public praying to do before his taxpayer-funded dotage.

Newt Gingrich is still in the race! He has not dropped out yet!

Hey! Here's some fun news: Mitt Romney and Ron Paul are totes BFFs! CUTE! Ro-Ro is the new Brangelina! PASS IT ON!

image of Ron Paul grinning goofily while shaking Mitt Romney's hand, to which I've added a dialogue bubble to show Ron Paul saying 'Something something me!'

In a move showing their new solidarity as besties, Ro-Ro have declined to participate in a scheduled debate immediately before Super Tuesday. WHUT. I cannot believe there's going to be one less debate! How are we supposed to know which one of these highly privileged and super wealthy straight cis able-bodied white dudes to vote for if we don't have at least ten thousand more opportunities to watch them petulantly needle each other while peacocking their reprehensible credentials as rightwing extremists?!

It's called DEMOCRACY! Look it up.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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