Primarily Disastrous

image of Rick Santorum under a banner reading 'Winner! Winner! Winner!' and flanked by two yellow stars reading 'WTF?!'
WTF?! for America.

OMG, y'all! Rick Santorum won ALL THREE primaries last night. Or, to be precise: The two official caucuses in Colorado and Minnesota after winning their unofficial straw polls and the unofficial primary in Missouri ahead of its official caucus next month. (Whatever.) RICK. FUCKING. SANTORUM. Rick Santorum! Rick Santorum! Rick Santorum! Whuuuuuuut. Even for you, Republicans, this is incredible! RICK SANTORUM!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!


Listen, y'all: I know I'm a total garbage monster for saying this, but I kind of hope he's the nominee. (He won't be.) I hope he's the nominee, and the entire country finally gets a good goddamn look at how utterly intellectually bankrupt the GOP really is, and we all vote in a national referendum to criminalize the Republican Party on principle.

"Sorry, conservatives: You're going to have to do better than this. We're not outlawing your vomitous ideology, but you need to build a new party from scratch with serious candidates, and you've got the next four years of President Obama's second term to do it. GOOD LUCK!"—America.

Santorum/Bachmann 2012!

Failing that, Rick Santorum (RICK FUCKING SANTORUM ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!) could just be elected our next president, and we can go ahead and declare the Great American Experiment a dismal failure. ("Whooooooooops!"—The Founders.) Then we can start two new countries called Progressistan and Aynrandia. Good luck, Aynrandia! I hope you succeed in building bridges with NO TAXES!

In news other than RICK SANTORUM BEING CONSIDERED A SERIOUS NATIONAL CANDIDATE WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK, Mitt Romney—who didn't lose by just a little bit, either—is still being plagued by money issues. That is to say, the millions upon millions of US voters who are struggling to get by each month are not impressed with shit like Romney's offshore tax shelters and his kids' $100 million trust fund. Conservatives like Mitt Romney love to say things like, "I'm not going to apologize for being successful!" even though no one is asking them to. The thing is, it's just a little unseemly to be flippant about having sooooooo much money when so many people are hurting.

It's not like elected Democrats aren't filthy stinking rich, too (although very few are as rich as Romney); it's just that they have the decency to acknowledge it's a massive privilege and the honesty to admit it's not because they're so much more talented and hardworking and smart than everyone who doesn't share that privilege.

Barack Obama has never denigrated his own effort and capacity by recognizing he also had a fair amount of luck in life, which provided him opportunities he maximized. But listen to Mitt Romney, and you'd think he was the firstborn of a grindstone and a bootstrap, not the incredibly privileged son of a wealthy corporate executive who became a state governor.

In summation: Mitt Romney is gross.

Moving on!

Something something Ron Paul. Liberty. Freedom. Forcible childbirth.

Newt Gingrich is still truckin' along, hoping that he's the last one standing in this endless game of Musical Candidates. There is, in the world, news about Newt Gingrich, and his career of corruption, and his candidacy of codswallop, but I bet you have even less interest in reading about it than I have in writing about it. So let's not and say we didn't! HIGH FIVES!

Next Stop: Maine.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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