Rick Perry: The Movie

Via Richard Adams, who's valiantly live-blogging the Iowa Caucus today, comes a nifty last-minute campaign advert for Rick Perry, titled "America Is Calling," which has, as of this writing, a total of 306 views on Rick Perry's official YouTube channel. That's what they call Money Well Spent, right there.

US flag. White picket fence. A church steeple with a gold cross, standing high above verdant farmland. String music. Rick Perry, in voiceover, sounding terrifyingly George W. Bush-like: "America's future is what we're talking about. Our country's calling us." Perry standing in front of giant US flag. "This election's not about me." Little white boy putting his arm around his white mother's neck. "This election's about our children." Little white girl in close-up, with bright blue sky behind. "It's about our grandchildren."

Montagery of Real Americans, i.e. lots of straight white people. "And they're waiting. They're waiting for us to answer if we're going to participate." Still image of Rick Perry giving a thumbs-up in a church. "If we're going to call." More Rick Perry in front of a flag. "This is your country." WHEAT FIELDS! FLAG! RICK PERRY LOOKING PRESIDENTIAL! SWELLING STRING MUSIC. "And your country's calling."

What the fuck this does not make any sense. I think Rick Perry is endorsing his grandchildren for president.

Now the campaign ad becomes a movie trailer: Text onscreen reads "Governor Rick Perry." Stirring strings. Applause. More Rick Perry in front of a flag. White people montagery. Rick Perry is a celebrity and a superhero! STRIIIIIIIING MUSIIIIIIIIIC!!! More voiceover: "You go Tuesday, and you caucus for me, and you have my back no matter what the weather is or how far you gotta go. You have my back on the third of January, and I will have your back in Washington, DC for the next four years!"

Text onscreen reads "When America is on its knees—" (that's what she said) Rick Perry montagery "—he will bring us to our feet." This is one campaign promise that may be true. I am about to get to my feet and run to the bathroom to barf my guts out RIGHT NOW.

"God bless you!" says Rick Perry in voiceover, over video of his rockstar-like departure onto a campaign bus with a jaunty wave. Applauding. Hugging. Rick Perry knows SO many white people!

"This election is about the future of this country." (Yes, you epic dipfuck, EVERY election is about the future of this country. You are not being profound. You are stating a very banal fact in accordance with our admittedly incomplete understanding of the space-time continuum. Of course, upon consideration, most/all of the current Republican contenders don't believe in evolution, so maybe this is a radical statement after all. HEY, EVANGELICALS: RICK PERRY BELIEVES IN SCIENCE!)

Statue of Liberty. Farm. Handshake. Flag. Perry smirk. Flag. Applause. Flag. "One of the most important elections, if not THE most important election, and we gotta get it right." By which he means, throw him and everyone else running for president in the garbage, along with the entirety of the US Congress and the Supreme Court, and start over. I'm sure that's definitely what he means.

Text onscreen, because this goddamn trailer (worst movie ever!) still isn't over yet: "Today is your calling, Iowa. Perry. President. Vote today. RickPerry.org."

The end. Now blow up the world, Jebus!

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