Primarily Horrendo

Here's the latest from These Bootstraps Are Made for Walking, and That's Just What They'll Do; One of These Days These Bootstraps Are Gonna Walk All Over YOU! aka the Republican Primary...

image of Mitt Romney standing in front of a huge flag hanging his head
Looks like we finally know who farted, y'all.

Did you know that everyone hates Mitt Romney? It's true! Even Sarah Palin hates him, and went on Fox News to demand that Romney provide proof of the 100,000 jobs he keeps saying he created during his tenure as Chief Corporate Raider at Bain Capital. She also wants to see his tax returns. Mimeographs or it didn't happen!

Whooooooooooops my mistake! There is one person who hearts Mitt Romney, and that person is none other than John Bolton! In addition to offering his endorsement, John Bolton will "join [candidate Romney's] top team of foreign-policy advisers, according to people close to the campaign." Wowee wow! That is not only excellent news for all of us, because if Mitt Romney wins it means MORE JOHN BOLTON FOR EVERYONE, but also speaks to the moderation, wisdom, and fundamental decency of Mitt Romney that he would want on his team the guy who says assassination and sanctions in Iran are "half-measures" and calls for a full-on "attack."

Yay for war! More war! Aggressive mustaches for everyone!

Moving on.

Rick Perry is definitely still in the race! He has not dropped out yet!

Newt Gingrich confesses he should probably stop attacking Romney using the whole "greedy capitalist garbage nightmare" angle, because he sounds too much like a Democrat, and also too much like a human being with a functional empathy center.

Something something Ron Paul. Hey, did you know that Ron Paul is anti-choice? It's true! And yet some dudes who claim to be progressives nonetheless think he's awesome because they don't understand that allowing the state to force women to carry pregnancies they don't want is incompatible with freedom! Whooooooooooops you are misogynists!

Jon Huntsman zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. South Carolina zzzzzzzzz.

Rick Santorum announces that he is unelectable: "[Mitt Romney]'s the most electable because the establishment feels comfortable with him. Right? That's it. Well they're not going to feel comfortable with me!" Welp, we already knew that Rick Santorum was totally unelectable, for myriad reasons. Nice to see he's caught up and is finally on the same page. Good job, Santorum. Now go home and take a nap.

Hey, want one more reason to hate Mitt Romney? Here's a doozy: "According to a passage from a forthcoming book, The Real Romney, while serving as bishop of a Mormon congregation near Boston in the early 80's, Romney once threatened to excommunicate a young single mother if she did not give her soon-to-be-born son up for adoption." Neat! What a neat guy with such a neat religion!

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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