Film Corner!


Nicolas Cage vs. Nicolas Cage

In one corner: Nicolas Cage in Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, the sequel to Ghost Rider: Spirit of Garbage (I can't remember if that's the correct subtitle, but I'm sure it's close enough), a very terrible movie also starring Nicolas Cage in the titular role. I'm sure the sequel will be very good, though, because it has two directors, which I know because they are in the trailer. Sure.

Here are the two directors, who are, in keeping with Hollywood tradition, white dudes. They are named Brian and Mark, which, coincidentally, are the names I would have made up for them if they hadn't introduced themselves. They hope we have a hell of a time watching the trailer. Okay. Thanks, directbros! (Spoiler Alert: I do not have a hell of a time watching the trailer.)

Text onscreen, with fiery junk in the background, while Nic Cage says, in a real Nic Cagey kind of way, some shit about how terrible it is to have the curse of being a fire-head: "He fought the curse / Evil will force him / to face his demon." Yeah, yeah. Being Ghost Rider is soooo terrible. Actually, it is terrible, but not for the reason that anyone who has ever had anything to do with the Ghost Rider franchise thinks it is. Being Ghost Rider is terrible because Ghost Rider is stupid.

The entire rest of the trailer is a montage of scenes of Ghost Rider doing Ghost Rider things, i.e. running around with a flaming head, riding a flaming motorcycle, hitting dudes with a chain, yelling in dudes' faces, getting shot at by dudes, and telling a lady she should be scared of him. Also: He pees fire. The End.
In the other corner: Nicolas Cage in Trespass, a movie about how hard it is to be rich and white because nefarious people want to take all your stuff and murder you. Also: Women are traitorous bitchez. OR ARE THEY?!

The trailer starts with a yawn-inducing montage that is almost certainly a fair representation of the yawn-inducing first act of the film establishing that Nic Cage and Nic Kidman are rich and successful and appear to be happily married in a big beautiful mansion with a typical teenage daughter and a high-tech wall safe.

Whooooooooooops their domestic bliss is suddenly interrupted by masked commandos barging in through their front door, after walking undetected across their extensive grounds, which is totally believable because if there's one thing I know about rich people with high-tech wall safes, it's that they do not have any kind of security on their lavish estates.

We are informed that Trespass is "from the director of Phone Booth and Falling Down, so good for him for finding a way to turn the absurd hate-fueled paranoia of wealthy white men into a successful film career. Oh, wait—that's Joel Schumacher. Ha ha, pardon me, I should have been more precise. Good for him for ALL THE GARBAGE SO MUCH GARBAGE GOOD FUCKING GOD THE GARBAGE!!!

Montagery. They have been following Nic Cage and thus believe he has something very valuable in his high-tech wall safe, unlike most people who keep the recycling in their high-tech wall safes. Nic Kidman begs Nic Cage to open the safe, but he says not opening it is the only thing keeping them alive. One of the commandos tells Nic Cage that he's gonna put his thumb on the print-recognition square on the high-tech wall safe sooner or later, and the only question is whether it will still be attached to his body. Nic Cage tries to look like a terrified businessman who is so out of his league—but, really, I have seen this man eat a live cockroach and fight Sean Connery and wear a snakeskin jacket that represents a symbol of his individuality and his belief in personal freedom, so I'm just not buying the whole terrified businessman routine. SORRY, NIC!

More montagery. Nic Kidman was maybe fucking the pool boy? Who is the younger brother of one of the commandos? And that's why they picked them? Even though two seconds ago it was because they saw Nic Cage sign for a shitload of diamonds? Huh? TWISTS and TURNS and FARTS!

But what the commandos don't know is that Nic Cage and Nic Kidman are gonna FIGHT BACK. Surprise, dirtbags! Running, jumping, knife, car, fire, fighting, running, knife, car, gun. This is an action film, no doy. The End.
Winner: Nicolas Cage. Loser: Us.

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