[Full transcript below the fold.]
Time now for the "Ridiculist." Tonight, we are adding Gerard Depardieu: Noted French actor, Academy Award nominee, public urinator. That's right. I said urinator.
Last night on a flight from Paris to Dublin, Depardieu reportedly peed on the floor. Apparently, the plane was on the tarmac and the flight attendant told him he'd have to wait to use the bathroom until takeoff. So Depardieu created his own little jet stream, or as the French would say, "Oui, oui."
When I first heard this story this morning, I thought there was no way it was real. [chuckles] But the airline, CityJet, confirmed it beyond any shadow of skepticism. And by that, I mean, they vaguely tweeted about it, quote, "As you may have seen on the news, we are busy mopping the floor of one of our planes this morning. We'd also like to remind all passengers that our planes are fully equipped with toilet facilities."
Hmmmmm, CityJet. I would have guessed he flies Incontinental. [someone laughs in the background; Cooper grins goofily] Incontinental. Anyway. While the airline was busy putting the pee back in PR, some of the passengers just couldn't hold it anymore, and started spilling their versions of the incident to the press. Can you blame them?
They saw an actual thespian actually thes-peein'. This— [laughs] Oh, it's full of puns. [laughter in background] This probably won't come as a shock, but several passengers say Depardieu was—you guessed it—visibly drunk. But I think there's another explanation. See, as a celebrity, he's not accustomed to being told he can't do things he wants to do when he wants to do them. Things like going to the bathroom.
No, he's probably used to being, you know, pampered. [graphic of Pampers diapers appears] I'd go as far as to say he depends on it. [graphic of Depends diapers appears; Cooper points to it] Put a graphic in case you didn't get the reference... depends on it.
But it's kind of sad when you think about it. This guy has been in hundreds of movies. Will he be he remembered for Cyrano de Bergerac? Probably not. Will he be remembered for Green Card? Nope. This incident is likely go down as his number one role.
Although there is a bright side. [laughs] Will you stop laughing? It's distracting. [laughs] Now that we know he doesn't have any stage fright when it comes to public urination, maybe he can get together with his fellow castmates from La Vie en Rose, and they can have a pissing contest. You know, like a pee-off. Pee-off. 'Cause the movie was about Edith Piaf. So I said pee-off.
So after Gerard took his little solo flight to Urine Nation, the plane had to turn around and go back to the gate and some unlucky cleaning crew had to deal with the Golden Globe-winning tinkle. Now all I can say is they should thank their lucky stars it wasn't Depar-two.
[Cooper begins to laugh] Sorry. [laughs some more] That made me giggle every time I read it.
He hasn't commented on this incident. [laughs; someone is laughing in the background and it sends Cooper into gales of giggles] Depar-two. I know you get it, but. [Cooper completely breaks down into a fit of giggles] All right, okay, sorry. [He starts giggling EVEN HARDER and covers his face with his hands; he's giggling so hard he falls over and tears come to his eyes; his face goes red and he wipes the tears from his eyes and starts giggling again.] Sorry, this has actually never happened to me. [more giggling] You always see this sort of thing on YouTube, and you don't think it actually could happen to you. [He's giggling so hard, the words are coming out of him like staccato notes.] All right, sorry. [He shakes his head and wipes his face with his hands, trying to regain his composure, and clears his throat.]
He hasn't commented on the incident, but if I know the European celebrity spin machine, and, I think I do, there will probably be some excuse like he was doing research for a movie role. As we speak, I bet somewhere in Paris, a screenwriter is furiously typing out a period piece about the potty-training misadventures of an overgrown drunk French two-year-old.
His entourage reportedly says that he wasn't drunk and that he just tried to discretely pee in a bottle, but I'm not sure that version holds water.
In any case, Gerard, chin up. Yes, this incident was in all the papers, but it's nothing but yellow journalism and soon it will be flushed from our memories.
So just go with the flow on the "Riduculist."