There are probably about a million reasons not to see the shitty new Smurfs film, but I'm just going to mention one: "Gutsy Smurf," the new smurf developed exclusively for the film, who is inexplicably Scottish, has ginger sideburns, wears a kilt, sports a tam-o-shanter style pom on his hat, and is described as "brave to a fault."

image of the new cast of Smurfs

If you happen to see Iain, and he unaccountably requests that you raise his blood pressure, ask him what he thinks of "Gutsy Smurf." For additional raising of heart rate, helpfully offer that at least "Gutsy Smurf" isn't called "Cheap-Ass Drunk-Ass Smurf," and then work Shrek into the conversation.

It's not that he's offended; he's contemptuous.

And so am I.

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