Film Corner!

What—did you think I wasn't going to do a Film Corner! about the upcoming summer box office smash and renowned preposition hog Rise of the Planet of the Apes, starring Professor James Franco? You're so weird.

SCIENCE! People in hazmat suits handling Important Tubes in sterile environments. In voiceover, Professor James Franco, CEO of ScienceCorp says, "We're talking about huge potential for millions of people!" Cut to ScienceCorp HQ, where Professor James Franco explains that the potion in the Important Tubes is called The Cure (no relation) and it "enables the brain to cure itself." Of WHAT?! He doesn't say. I bet The Cure enables the brain to cure itself of the need for sleep.

David Oyelowo tells Professor James Franco to start testing The Cure on chimpanzees. A baby monkey arrives in a box. (Note: It is a baby chimpanzee. Chimpanzees are not monkeys, they are apes, but I am going to be calling them monkeys throughout this post, much to the chagrin of pedants everywhere, because monkeys is both a funnier word than chimpanzee and easier to type. If it makes you feel any better, pedants, they aren't real chimpanzees, anyway. They're CGI monkeys.) His name is Caesar, no doy, because he's going to be a monkey emperor and shit.

Caesar is growing up. He's very smart! Looks like The Cure enables monkey brains to cure themselves of their monkosity, because Caesar is totes humany. I also notice that Caesar the CGI Monkey looks very much like Gollum with monkey fur, and I make a funny joke inside my head that Andy Serkis is playing Caesar. Then I look at the IMDb listing and see that Andy Serkis is playing Caesar. :( "You are very good at playing CGI humanoids!"—Hollywood (cc. New Zealand). Is that what actors want to hear? That's definitely what actors want to hear. Right? I hope that is what actors want to hear, because Andy Serkis is a very fine actor, and it would make me sad if he is not flattered by being given lots of work as a CGI humanoid.

"What was that? I can't hear you over the jets in my 24-carat hot tub filled with rubies and champagne!"—Andy Serkis. Good point, Andy Serkis.


Freida Pinto wonders where Caesar fits in. (Ladies are so nurtury and empathetic!) David Oyelowo says, "Caesar fits in REAL NICE in this cage I got right here!" (I'm paraphrasing.) Professor James Franco has angst. Someone should cast that guy as James Dean. Caesar is, care of the thespian talentry of Andy Serkis, angry about being locked up, and, as one would expect a monkey who's "smarter than his human counterpart" to do, picks the shit out of a lock on his cage. Probably looking for beer, he finds a mini-fridge full of The Cure. He gives it to all the other prisoners in monkey jail.

"They are contaminated!" says David Oyelowo. "Put those apes down!" Professor James Franco is having none of that shit. He doesn't actually say, "If by contaminated, you mean AWESOME, then, yeah, THEY ARE!" but I can tell he's thinking it.

Uh-oh. Monkeys everywhere. They're ruining everything! It's a monkey war! HOLY SHIT!!!

"Evolution Becomes Revolution" says some text, even though evolution has fuck-all to do with this movie. Possibly that is just a ploy to ensure prominent placement in the Creation Museum.

Ahh! More monkey war! Your guns and helicopters are no match for smart monkeys! (What?)

Coming August 5 to a theater near your ass.

[Via Andy.]

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